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Thoughts and that kind of stuf

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Vagdavercustis

2 years

It's been 2 years since I last was here... time flies!
Happy to see that there are still people here who remember me :) 
I've never give up on writing or forgot this place. 
I was just in a really bad place and really thought about just giving up. I began to isolate myself from everyone.
Positive thing about it is that I wrote a lote of stuff. Not soo much lyrics but just thoughts and feelings put on paper without any structure.
So myabe in time I'll rewrite them into lyrics. Allthough I think that some of them are a bit too depressing.

Anyway too keep it short. I've found myself a new love a new job and moved too the other side of my country (I'm glad it's not such a big country :P ) 
And now I'm counting down to 30/03 cause if everything is going good I'll be a mom than from a baby girl.
Not sure if I have it in me to be a perfect mother but I will love her with all my heart and do everything I can to keep her happy and safe and I hope that will be enough.
For the first time in my life I'm just happy. It feels that I am where I need to be and I found myself some peace.

So a welcome back to myself on here and I hope I will stay now!
 

Vagdavercustis

Holidays

Holidays should be fun and spending time with your family.

For me it's work, work, work and pretending to be happy that I'm with my family.

I'm just glad I'm spending new years eve with my friends. They're more family to me than my real one.

I've been spending so much time learning to play 'Jingle Bells' on my guitar.

I know it wasn't perfect (far from) but I played it for my family on Christmas eve.

My sister was verry enthousiastic. Said I've learned a lot and it keeps getting better.

And than my parents... saying that it was a useless waste of time and that in a few months I would be tired of it.

When I was a little girl, 6-7 years old, I wanted to do music school and learn to play the guitar or drums.

Got the same reaction from my parents back than.

They never understood my love for music.

Even now when I talk with my mom about my writing and the forum she seems to think that it's all a waste of time.

And for my dad I'll never be good enough I guess. Just a hopeless dreamer that is never going to achieve something other than working in a store.

So right now I can't seem to write anything 'cause I only hear my parents saying that it's a waste of time.

Hopefully I will get my inspiration and drive back soon...

Anyway wishing everyone happy holidays here! And a joyfull 2014 :)

Vagdavercustis

Tired of this country!! (Belgium)

People are so unfriendly and so bussy with theirself.

I work in a store... So being polite and helpfull is something I do every day and even when I'm not working I'll continue doing that.

Always wanted to move to Scotland or Wales. Been on vacation there and the people are all so warm and polite.

Or most of them...

Anyway, nature is so amazing!! So many castles to visit :)

Over here it's all buildings and buildings and more buildings. Not much nature anymore :(

And when I smile to a stranger I pass on the street they look scared or angry. Like I'm going to rob them or so.

I just really want to pack my bags and leave!! But life is not that simple.

You have to find a job in the other country, learn the language perfectly, buy or hire a house or whatever you like.

And my mom wouldn't survive it if I just went to another country.

Tried to focus my thoughts on something else today.

Downloaded Sonar X2 and tried to get something out of it but I allmost threw my laptop out of the window.

My guitar playing still sucks so I thought that with a music program I could make something that looked like music.

But it's just to complicated for my small brain to understand.

Maybe someone can advise me a program that isn't to dificult? Or is that non existing?

Vagdavercustis

The Start

Looking back it has been such an experience being here on the forum.

In the past few months I've been here I've learned so much and I've began to see some poeple on here as 'friends'.

I really would miss them if they suddenly would vanish from this forum. Don't know if they feel the same about it but that's

not the point I guess.

I've always loved writing. I've began to write my first poems when I was 11-12 years old.

Stupid English poems full of spelling mistakes :P Some in Dutch/Flemish.

For me everything sounds better in English for some strange reason.

Anyway I've been writing poems from than on to deal with all that was going on in my life.

Music has always been my way to escape everything or find rest or put my aggresion out in a healthy way.

That's why it will always be my greatest love of all. When I was 14 I discovered Metal music.

The lyrics were so deep and the music could bring me to tears.

My first metal gig was Evanescence. Not sure if they are really metal but I remember that when I left that night that I started crying. Tears of happiness. It was the first time in my life I felt 'home'. Surrounded by all this people who were there for the same reason and nobody looked strange at me. Since than I'm addicted to gigs.

In metal I found my 'family'. People with the same music and it are the kindest and most warm persons I've met.

Most of the people doesn't like metal. And think we're all satan worshippers or depresive suicidal persons.

It's a shame that people are that shallow these days. I don't worship Satan, I would never hurt anybody, I'm just me.

Metal has so many different genres. Death metal is verry extreme and I get that people don't like that genre.

But you have power metal, viking metal, pagan metal, female fronted metal.

Some of that genres is my mom likes :P

Somehow I've discovered Ed Sheeran. Not metal at all.

I guess it's because at my work I'm forced to listen to the radio and all the songs get stuck in my head.

It was the time that me and my boyfriend split up for 2 months. I was at work and I heard the song 'Give me love' from Ed Sheeran. I heard it and I just began to cry and cry and cry. It touched me so deep at that time.

I was really a big mess and I came home, looked that song up and played it over and over and over.

Began to search more of his work and it blew me away. He did it with just a guitar, a loop pedal and his voice.

His lyrics are simple but it can touch me in a way I've never experienced before. And now one year later I still play his songs over and over again. It drives my boyfriend and friends crazy.

My friends don't like him 'cause his not metal. (shallow minded).

But it was one day I just sat in the sofa and I was wondering of in my mind.

And I thought by myself, I have everything I want but there's something missing.

I mean I have a boyfriend who I really love, the greatest friends in the world, my own appartement, 2 cat's I adore, a job (not my dreamjob but it gives me money to survive), I'm healthy.

And than it hit me... I want to do something I really love. And I love writing.

I've been writing poems for such a long time, I wrote a couple of short stories.

Than I saw a clip on youtube of Ed Sheeran and it basicly said that you have to follow your dreams and work for it.

'Cause if you don't someone else will.

And my dream is writing, making it somewhere with my writing.

So if he can make it with his words, voice and guitar why can't I?

I've always wanted to play guitar or drums but my parents wouldn't let me. So I've orderd an acoustic guitar and wrote my first lyric.

Learning to play guitar on my own is the hardest thing I've ever done!! I still suck in it!

But I'm not giving up and I keep practicing. Allmost threw my guitar out of the window 'cause it wouldn't work.

Everything needs time so I just keep going.

The writing goes realy good in my opinion. Because of the weekly challenges and all of the great critique and comments I get I can improve myself. Without all of you I wouldn't have made it this far.

So a big big thank you for that!! :) It's really a big support for me to keep writing and keep improving myself.

I know it's maybe a bit weird or confusing what I write here, but so is my mind :P

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