Mags

I actually was able to get a beat in my head for this, and it sounded pretty good!

This is a good song it songs like a hard rock song I like it sounds like its about love

I also was able to sort of get a melody in my head for these lyrics.  I enjoyed them a lot. 

Really good lyrics, and a good chorus, but id want like to see more lyrics to even out the chorus 

After reading some of the verses they lead me to a brief sense of deep thought .  At some points it lured me to where I thought their meaning might be heading.  But following verses sidetracked the lure towards a connection.  Those luring verses, I thought were interesting enough to make other songs out of.  From my experience with my own creations, I found I had to redo them multiple times by extracting some lyrics out and replacing others which I think are closer to my points in order to give them the overall meaning that is intended.  I think the song has too many needless verses that don't quite emphasize enough about the ones that I think are the substantially meaningful ones that moved me towards where I thought the song was going.  But that is just my opinion.  There are plenty of songs out there that are a lot worse, and they make millions.

When I first started writing songs and asking what people thought about them I realized that most people were too polite to be helpful, so I rarely got good feedback that could help me improve.

 

I want you to think about this: "What are your favorite songs, lyrically, and what do those songwriters do that you admire.?"

 

Here are some things that can make this song even better:

 1. The best songs are easy to sing because they flow like conversation

would you say "Asking them directions of where you are," or would it be more natural to say "asking for directions to find out where your are" or keep the line the same and replace "for" with "to"

 

2. Stick to a narrative- you're gonna hate me for this one; once we notice it, it's hard to ignore (and if you're like me, you hate rewriting good/finished songs):

 

"I know she changed position,

I can tell it from the stars;
You received my transmission,
She can't be far;
In the course of our collision,

You are talking directly to/with someone, but it confuses your listener when you suddenly mention "she."  are you talking to the subject of the song or about the subject?  Be careful not to flip flop

 

3. Even though we can break the rules of English, we still need to have complete thoughts

You have  a few sentence fragments in this song:

-Hoping you can give me

-I wish the constellation

-Coz in this side of the universe, if you may,

Where all the constellations are asking;
If you'd like to stay.

This last one doesn't make sense, I know you want to rhyme, but its ok if part of a rhyming section doesn't rhyme towards the end, the chords and resolution of the melody give it enough closure to make up for a lack of rhyme.

 

Keep up the writing!  You have clearly connected with people here, and that's a gift that the best songwriters possess.