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  1. 2 points
    Hi Sreyashi If there are issues within the song that make de rhyming an issue the other things that increase instability are. Rhyme type: Perfect rhymes are most stable so you can reduce the stability by replacing perfect rhymes with subtractive rhymes ( crying/die) all the way down to consonant only rhymes which is more of a sonic connection or alliteration than a rhyme (crying/cat). Having an uneven number of lines is unstable. Having uneven line lengths is unstable. In addition there is setting of the lyric in the melody. If you set one of the sadder lines "back heavy" that will increase the emotional impact. That is instead of the first naturally stressed syllable appearing on the first beat of the bar ( front heavy) you have it on the third beat of the bar. This works with contrast as some lines are front heavy some are back heavy. Example 1 2 3 3.5 4 4.5 1 2 How I’d dreamed of us to geth er 3 4 1 2 3 Turns out I couldn't be more wrong The bold words are the naturally stressed syllables each line is a 3 length. The numbers above are the beat in the bar the word falls on. "How" is on beat 1 (front heavy)"Turns" in line two falls on beat 3 (back heavy). The final thing you can do is weak bar phrase the entire song. That is start the vocal melody on an even bar number. So the intro will be typically 3 or 5 bars long. This adds a wistful sad feeling to the entire song. As an example of this if you look at a John Lennon song " Hey you've got to hide your love away" You will see the verse goes 2,2,3 2,2,3 (line lengths) and the rhyme scheme is AAB CCB. The rhyme types are all perfect. In other words even line length even rhyme pattern and perfect rhymes. All massively stable, since the song is sad this should cause a prosody issue and yet it doesn't. If you listen too it, it feels like someone sitting on the end of his bed singing sadly too himself. Why? because it's weak bar phrased the guitar is strummed for three bars before the vocal melody begins on bar four. If the melody had begun on bar 5 it would have sounded completely wrong with a disconnect between the music and the lyric. It is an important comment that you knew something was not right but not what. There is a misconception that if you are conscious of all these techniques and effects you can do with lyrical structure, that it will inhibit your writing, because your all bound up in all these rules. This is wrong, because you just write, then you say that's not quite sounding how it is in my head. You ask why, and if you know these techniques you can quickly say aha that's probably the problem very quickly. You can then apply fixes, starting from the easiest. Which in your case would be to weak bar phrase the whole song and that may fix it just like that. Cheers Gary
  2. 2 points
    Hi, ND. Yes, I agree that some non-specificity allows the listener to relate the song to their own lives.What I was struggling with was some general meaning for darkness and light that was consistent enough for a listener to grab onto and apply to their own situation. There seemed to be some contradictory meanings. For example in the first verse the lines my staying in the dark/Though it suits me perfectly suggest that the singer prefers the darkness. That's an interesting idea that taps into the idea that we all have a dark side. That's an idea that you can build an entire song around. However, in the next line contradicts that by saying it It’s a fake comfort after all. So is the singer embracing the darkness or is it a crutch? Some tension between those 2 ideas would be cool too, but it currently doesn't come across as an intentional contrast that builds tension. The chorus also suggests that the darkness is about loss. That's another meaning for darkness that holds universal appeal. So if you went with that as the central meaning that would need to be reinforced more in the chorus and the verses would need to revolve more strongly around that idea. Just my 2 cents. ~T
  3. 1 point
    Since my self imposed exile from Song-Title-Connection-Game, I considered some of those song lines that constantly buzz around my head. Most are too obscure to guess, so here are some well known pop song examples. They are all old because I haven’t listened to pop for years & years & years... There are 10. The links will take you to the songs. If you know all 10, you may not want to admit it….. 1/ a cup of cold coffee and a piece of cake https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwDzFbAlKWE 2/ man I was mean but I’m changing my scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvMQWte5pik 3/ take the blue train all the way to Kokomo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBd93pJRJ54 4/ The constable had to come and take him away https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voIWNMnpDu8 5/ Telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLs09J_x6-c 6/ Mr McCann was a practical man. Curly was his only son. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3TeAjJZeKo 7/ It's gonna take patience and time, um https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZwjdGSqO0k 8/ birds singing in the sycamore tree (I prefer ‘birds sick upon the Singapore tree’) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLkCzeeR91c 9/ Thinking 'bout the things that might have been. It's a dirty rotten shame https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5znh58WITU8 10/ The lock upon my garden gate's a snail, that's what it is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcMM5-zBCEc
  4. 1 point
    That's a good and valid point.
  5. 1 point
    Grab, specifically, line number two, and hold onto it very tightly. "Standing on a ledge with a rose(!) as a beacon(!!)" Where? With what? As a what? In one unexpected line, right out of the gate on the second line I've heard, you "hooked" my interest. There she was, standing on a ledge at the edge of the sea, holding on to her rose, gazing at a distant lighthouse. In my mind, in one line, "there she was!" Strong images can do that. The chorus is very well-anchored with the repeat, "Turns out I couldn't be more wrong." So, by line six, I know that: the ledge was real (the character is in a risky situation), the rose is real (of course, a symbol of love therefore a future), but it's not really a "beacon." She now realizes that she had no path forward although at the time she thought that she did. Okay, now you need two more sets of verses like that. The second couplet could stay because it reflects "what happened next," or, "her reaction," and the key reveal that there was "a scheme laid out for me." (And yet, also "bliss.") Our character is being pulled in two ways. Very good. So, the coup de grace third verse. "Coming back from the dead" doesn't work because it's a fly-ball coming in from left field – unexpected, without precedent, and coming much too late in the song to allow for that sort of thing. Instead, in just two lines, it needs to clearly point forward. Any of the three symbols from the first verse could be back-referenced but no new content (such as zombies) can be introduced. It should clinch our understanding of just why she is now (repeatedly) saying that "Turns out I couldn't be more wrong." And to suggest what her new view is going to be. You might also find a way to make good use of that old standby, "the bridge." Following the second repeat of the chorus, and in a contrasting style and rhyme-structure, you can insert two, four, or why not three lines of basically-expository verse. You can introduce new symbology there, especially if you decide to include another strongly-visual symbol comparable to the "rose/beacon" of line #2. (A comparable purpose for being there.) When the bridge ends, we are now working with two clearly-separate lines of exposition: the one that came from the first verse, and the new one that just came from the bridge. You're now set-up for a killer third-verse which incorporates both. You can also do unexpected things like adding a fourth verse which immediately follows the third before the final chorus and outro.
  6. 1 point
    I never wanted to suggest that the lyric "was no good." Songs, like any story, don't really just pop up out of nowhere. They have to be made. Looking at the May 17th version, I'd now like to suggest that in general the verses aren't all really pulling their weight. For instance, what if you cut out verse #2 altogether? And also the next-to-last one. When two verses are side-by-side, both with the same rhyming structure and basically the same content, decide which one of them is stronger and: "kill the spare." In the spaces left behind, consider writing a contrasting verse. A different pacing ("prosody"). Telling a different character's point of view (whether or not that different character becomes the narrator.) Or, revealing something about the song's "back story," i.e. how the character(s) got to be where they are. And also, a suggestion of where they are going. (Your existing very-last-line is presently the only one that suggests a clear goal.) When I listen to a story of any kind, I need to be able to build up in my mind an image of the characters, what interesting thing is driving them right now, at least a suggestion of how they got to be there, and where they are going to go. Show me the conflict, not just one character's reactions to it while he's holding the story inside where I can't see it.
  7. 1 point
    Hello all, Here is an instrumental song to celebrate spring I hope you will enjoy it. You can listen to other files and follow me here : on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcZqCDfr8fUkN1UBLTqbzcA on Twitter https://twitter.com/bielkamusic on facebook : https://www.facebook.com/Bielka-Music-1368356019843598/
  8. 1 point
    English is a tough language, especially if it's not your first language. I really admire you for learning it (the hard way!) Yes, there is a difference when "forever" is placed at the beginning of that phrase. I guess, technically, the meaning doesn't change, but it's awkward because it's not the usual way people talk. I noticed you changed the other lines in that verse quite a bit, and I like them. Do you need the line 3 to talk about seasons at all? I could be wrong, but I don't see a reference to seasons anywhere else in the song. Maybe you could use line 3 to say something more in keeping with your new lines 1 and 2.
  9. 1 point
    Hi ND! This is very deep. It reads more like a poem to me right now. The line "oh light where are you" has me spouting Shakespeare in my head "Oh Romeo where art tho" in a fun kind of way. If you titled this "Hoping to reach the light" and added this line as a refrain throughout the song it would give it better structure in my opinion. I also like the hopefulness of this line and since you repeated it twice it would lend itself to be the refrain. Glad you're here! I love these challenges and hope you do too!! Lisa
  10. 1 point
    Just a start: The Young Will Steer the Old There's a typewriter collecting dust This young man thinks he will teach us Old guys, new tricks Humph! don't think they mix He grew up a cellphone in his hand Digital native in Holy land Young man, cool life Looking through clear eyes It's a strange twist of fate How life ends up like this Faster than a blink Smarter than you think As you look, behold! the young will steer the old Driving down the streets I thought I'd teach Younger ones see a two way street Wise men lecture Childish adventure It's a strange twist of fate How life ends up like this Faster than a blink Smarter than you think As you look, behold! the young will steer the old Clear as a bell Muddy waters never tell Where they came from, where they're going to Guided by technology To succeed in society It's a strange twist of fate How life ends up like this Faster than a blink Smarter than you think As you look, behold! the young will steer the old
  11. 1 point
    laundry list time! Write a brief paragraph as to what the song is about. Then write a list of words that explain that paragraph. Or you could be slack like me and write one word to describe the paragraph the go to rhyme zone and search synonyms. Then write the two lines. Onward and upward. Cheers Gary
  12. 1 point
    Hi TF This is not working. However, there is something there, I don't know what it is, but I am convinced it's not the beautiful voice. So I am going to try to find out what it is that is making it not work and see if you can fix it. Song idea Nut and hook. The song is unfocused. The song is about struggle and it's morbid it is not something we want to think about. The point of making it till Sunday is not explained therefor the hook and the idea fail. Understand this very clearly. People care about themselves. this is important. No one will be interested in a song about you it has to be about them. If it is not you are communicating nothing and the song will fail. This does not mean you can not write about you, it does mean that in writing about you, I can identify with what you are writing about and say oh yea I've felt like that too. It then becomes about me and I care. When I look in there I see two ideas that I like. They are: "The hardest part of battle is preparing for war" "I'll make it to Sunday " which an edit to "I'll make it Sunday" The reason being I can see a lot of expansion on the first idea. Sub ideas. The boredom waiting, the nervousness. etc. A lot of good powerful images can be worked up around that. In the second idea if I take out the to and make it "I'll make it Sunday" Then I'm half promising to meet someone on Sunday. Who? I'm not gonna say I'm going to leave it a mystery for now, so that the listener can put in their own who and that makes it """about them""" So now I am saying what is the the basic idea of the song. And I think it should be this. There is a relationship. It is not smooth and comfortable (please don't forget how hard I fought this battle) You want to continue it. (I've made it this far) You have invested a lot of emotional capital (please don't forget how hard I out this battle), (I've made it this farI think I can go on) You are not sure you have the strength (And if I can make it I'll make it Sunday ) Because there is going to be a finalisation one way or the other. (The hardest part of battleis preparing for war.) So there is now a frame work that a lot of your lines are applicable to the theme. We do not say who we are meeting, we do not obliquely say its a show down we use the battle too show that. So in conclusion of my thoughts on the song idea. It has to be about me not you, it has to be focused, the story is now in point form. We can say to maintain focus no line in the song can not refer to one of those points. Structure comments Analysis verse one for meter, rhyme, feel and pace. I've made it this far (2) X I think I can go on (2) X Don't forget me now the winter is coming (split line removed) (5) X Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle (split line removed) (5) X Key: The bold syllables are the syllables which I would naturally emphasise in conversational english. They dictate the line length. The (2) bracketed number is the syllable count. The X is the rhyme scheme. The italicised comments are notes as to correcting set out issues. The song overall is an unstable subject. The verse is an even number of lines (stable) The line lengths are even (stable) The rhyme scheme is nothing rhymes (unstable) The result is a moderately stable structure. My subjective view is this should be wistful i.e. moderately unstable. So I can say one of the issues is a prosody issue, in that the feel and the content of the lyric do not match. There is an issue of pacing in that the line length goes 2,2,5,5 this is slowing the song down. If you simply do this you fix the pace. "Don't forget me now the winter is coming Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle I've made it this far I think I can go on" It now accelerates into the pre chorus. If you do the following, you alter the line length smoothing out the acceleration, and you destabilise ever so slightly, getting the right amount of instability in there. "Don't forget me now the winter is coming (5) Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle (5) after all I've made it this far (3) I think I can go on" (2) The verse now smoothy accelerates into the pre chorus and its slightly unstable it has uneven line length no rhymes but pulling it back is the stable even number of lines. Contrast. Contrast light and shade tension and release is essential in all art whether it be painting or songwriting. So the parts of a song should contrast. This means the pre chorus should be stable. This will contrast against the slightly unstable verse and chorus. Because we have no rhymes in the verse we should rhyme the pre heavily. Even number of lines even line length. We have to work with: The hardest part of battle is preparing for warThe hardest part of battle is finding something to live for. The first line is focused the second is not and doesn't fit the story. Analysis of line one The hardest part of battle is preparing for war (4) You can see that is a four length and the stressed syllables are even spread. This is the template for stability plus. Now what you need is three more lines. Each line must be a 4 with if possible the stressed syllables in the same place. There must be rhymes and if possible perfect rhymes. Because its a pre chorus the rhyme scheme must not be AABB. Because that will create a pace issue of forward motion stop after line two. So preferably it should be ABAB so pace wise we are marking time, without pausing. The content of the lines must reinforce line one, be about the waiting the boredom the fear, etc. So it can be stuff like: "The hardest part of battle is preparing for war The endless denial of feelings suppressed The hardest part of battle curled up on the floor Nerves jangle stealing breath from your chest " This is an example only of rhyme scheme, meter, stress, and focus, you can write your own pre chorus. I don't want to be rewriting your lines. On the other hand if you like any feel free to use them. The chorus I'll make it someday (2) A I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it (2) a internal X I'll make it Sunday (2) X The pace of the chorus is much faster than the pre as the line lengths are half (2) rather than (4) the forward motion is marking time as all line lengths are even. The chorus is stable, which is the same as the pre. So we have two issues with the chorus. And one plus. No contrast for stability with the pre chorus and no forward motion or pausing of forward motion. The plus the pick up in pace. What we might want to do here is bring the song to a pause at the end of the chorus before we go into the bridge. The reason being to provide some space for the hook to sink in. "i'll make it Sunday". I don't want to mess with the chorus at all because it has a lot going for it. It's simple, it has seeming repetition an internal external rhyme, so it's pretty neat. so if I alter the way it's written to this. I'll make it someday (2) A I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it I'll make it Sunday (4) A or we could have this I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it (2) X internal if I can make it I'll make it Sunday (4) A I feel this is probably the best solution. Its slightly less stable, and the song slows down at line three which emphasises the hook. The bridge. Content: This should either now reveal what is actually going on here. If you want to you can tell the listener exactly whats occurring. This is the reveal style bridge. Or you can allude to what's going on and add more mystery if you want. You just must add something to the story. The bridge for contrast should be either very stable or very unstable because the chorus is moderately stable, so you need contrast. This is important just like a physical bridge, it goes from somewhere to some where else. The somewhere in this case is the last line of the chorus. "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday" The somewhere else is this "I'll make it someday" So the opening line of the bridge must flow from "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday" Like for example. I'l make it if I can "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday I'l make it if I can" (bridge lyric) Makes sense together. The same at the back end. although I can make no promises I promise (bridge lyric ) "I'll make it someday" So It's been a bit of time here and that's way enough to be going on with, so you might want to consider and work through some of this. But before you attack the piano again after editing for these issues there is still more to do planing wise before you do the melody. Cheers Gary
  13. 1 point
    Great songwriters have the same feelings as everyone else. They tend to have far more insight into themselves and others, and have excellent observation skills even if they are not consciously aware of it. They tend to be descriptive and to the point, and are able to introduce color and texture into their storylines. Great writers are able to use few words to get a point across. That's what I have observed through the years.
  14. 1 point
    I PM'd you with info on setting your signature Jay.
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