Simmon

Active Members
  • Content count

    77
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

Simmon last won the day on December 18 2013

Simmon had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

13 Neutral

7 Followers

About Simmon

  • Rank
    Active Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    United States of America

Collaboration

  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Maybe

Critique Preferences

  • Getting Critique
    Any and All
  1. I pretty much agree with the above.This is a good second effort. The only thing I don't like is the word cease. I like the word itself, It seems out of synch with the rest of the language.. Maybe, 'We can no longer be' It adds a syllable but sung properly it would work.
  2. The title should be in the lyric, Usually in the chorus. This is a rule, and like all, may be broken from time to time. Child of Darkness could be a great phase in the chorus - a strong recurring image that ties the lyric together.
  3. First lyric? Bravo. 10 minutes? You have some raw ability. The strength is the imagery and the effective use of song structure. You mostly reveal the story in the right places and use the bridge effectively. Consider all criticism as offered, but reflect on it and decide what to accept and what to discard. Sometimes the reviewer is just in a bad mood or not on the same page as you. I know I have been guilty of that and I try not to review a lyric if I don't like it or can't offer something constructive. Try to grow from what you lean but don't lose your individuality - develop it. My criticism is that you don't give us enough information about this person in the early part of the lyric for us to begin feeling some compassion, which you obviously want us to feel. In the bridges you tell us a lot about him. But what is behind the train wreck of his life. All we really know about him is that it has to do with his upbringing - he was raised by a lucifer. This isn't enough. You surround this single scant fact about what led him to what he has become with some fine imagery, but we need more substance. Not a lot more. But what sort of upbringing did this to him, and how did he respond to it? Remember, a lot of children suffer at their parents hands but it is how they respond that shapes who they become. We all make choices. The bad choices that sent this man in the wrong direction don't make him the bad guy -t they help us understand him better and draw our our compassion for him.. These are just ideas. You decide what you need to reveal, and how much. But it would make this a much more compelling lyric. Great first lyric. Stay with us and start critiquing others. You will find that the more you think about what others have written, the more objective you will become about your own.
  4. Forgot to add: I really like the title and the title phrase. Made me look!
  5. This had me hooked through the first two verses and choruses. It is sweet and heartfelt and the rhythm of the lyrics seems like it can easily be sung to convey the emotion. The poetic imagery is very nice and sets up the rest of the lyric. Verses 3 through 5 turn it from an emotional testimony into a tiresome lyric that, like tomcollins notes above, has no hooks or twists. It becomes mundane and l lose interest, Five choruses wrapped around these verses is too much for a chorus that has a nice little hook phrase, but nothing to really grab onto. So you need to build that grab, that interest, through compelling verses and a probably by adding a bridge (or bridges) that offers a very break from their simple rhythm Here is what I suggest (just one example of something that would work): Drop the last three verses and go to a bridge that comes at the the story from a different direction, with a completely different rhythm and meter than the verses. Here is where you can tell the back story of your devotion. If it is important to you to include marriage and children, the bridge is the place to do it. But do it with compelling imagery, rather than the laundry list of events you currently have in verses 3 and 4.. After the bridge is written, come straight into a new verse 3, returning to the poetic imagery of the first two. Since you already have the back story from the bridge, you have a lot more range to expand the imagery in Verse 3. Then the 3rd chorus followed by Verse 4 (possibly your existing verse 5 or a variation of it), You may not need the final chorus. The verse ends with the same two lines as the chorus does, and it could be an effective ending to the song with no outro. You obviously have the talent to do this. One more thing. In the chorus, "You know it's the truth" just sounds like a placeholder. Make this line special. As you read this you may feel that I am trivializing your lyric, and by extension, your personal feelings I am not. I am saying, don't tell us about the things that contribute to your devotion to this woman. Make us feel the emotion behind it. You do that through your lyrical structure and compelling imagery. You write a lot of lyrics. I've read enough of your lyrics to know that you have it in you to write better ones, but you need to raise your expectations of yourself. Don't settle for 'good enough'.. Stick with it and look for ways to make it better until you think it's great. If you challenge yourself I think the effort will be worthwhile. Once you know what you are capable of - and I believe you are capable of much more - I promise you that it will reflect in every new lyric you write and once you see what the effort accomplishes, your lyrics will get better, and better and better.
  6. Very nicely done. I think this would benefit from a bridge to add a little variety to the rhythm and depth of emotion to the lyric.
  7. It's not an obsession. It's the nature of popular music lyrics. If you want to post a song with music, you can have structure - or none. But lyrics, on their own, are a form of poetry, and the better they follow the conventional structures of popular lyric writing, the more likely they will attract a musician to collaborate with. Pick out your 20 favorite all time songs, and you will see that many of them have structures in them - repeating verse structures (rhythm and meter), repeating choruses, etc. These are the elements that are common to songs that achieve popularity. There are many great songs that break some of the rules, and there are a few great songs that break most all of the rules. The rules, as they say, are made to be broken. But you can't really break them if you don't know them. If you are going to participate in a forum of serious lyricists, I suggest you takes steps to learn the rules. Read books, ask questions.
  8. Hey, I appreciate what you have tried to express, but I am posting a very critical review. If what I write below sounds mean, I apologize in advance. I am just being honest and I am only writing it because what you have written shows promise, and I want you provide criticism to help you improve. I see it as being authored/sung by a person who really doesn't have much concern for the other person (who dies), then when he finds out she dies, he sings a different tune. To start with, what kind of person gets 'fed up' when someone he cares about is out driving icy roads, and when he/she is 45 minutes late, gets fed up and goes to bed? The simple answer is, someone who is perhaps too young to drive? I don't think that is the POV you are aiming for. So here are my thoughts, honestly, as I read your lyric: "Little did I know What was gonna happen to you That your last words to me Would be you'd be home in 30" What are you, 11 years old and wearing your heart on your sleeve? "I woke up the next morning Expecting you'd be home You weren't there so I called your cell phone I got no answer And had no idea what was wrong So I sat down on the couch And turned the TV on" Must be painful to learn, after your death, that you had a relationship (son, sister, father lover?) with someone who had so little concern for you. "Why couldn't you just slow down You didn't have to lose it all" And then blames the tragedy of your death on your own poor judgement and bad driving. Let me paraphrase your lyric, section by section, as I hear the meaning: V1: You were out driving in icy, treacherous conditions, and you weren't home when you said you would be. I got pissed off and tired of waiting for you, and went to sleep. Hook 1: How was I supposed to know? You said your time going to be back in 30 minutes. You deserved to live longer than that, but I guess that fate had other plans, Chorus: You were speeding in hazardous conditions. You should have thought about what you were doing - could have made the difference. V2: I wake up the next morning, you're still not home. Am I worried? Nah, I'm totally clueless. LAst night, you went out for a half hour in hazardous driving conditions and never came back. Here it is. the next day, but it never occurs to me that something happened to you, probably because this is about what I have come to expect of you. Should I ca;; the police? The hospital? No, I'll watch "I Love Lucy" reruns on A&E channel. Hook 2: Then there is -news flash, and they are showing this accident that happened last night, and they are showing your dead face on the TV, you know, how they always do on the news every time somebody dies in a car accident - they show their face?. Gee, it had never occurred to me that something bad might have happened to you. I cried and everything. Chorus 2: Now that I have have been shocked into reality, I can only imagine what your last moments would have been like - this might even make for a pretty good song lyric (so far, this is the most plausible part of the song).. Bridge: Why didn't you just slow the car down. It's really all your fault. You wouldn't be dead on the ground, and somehow at the same time you seem to be in a coffin and it's your funeral and you are all decked out for it and some lady is sad - your mom? And the priest says a blessing. I guess your are a Catholic or something, and that makes it a really moving part of the song. Chorus 3: Yep, you really screwed up. Now you're in God's hands - big mistake. Now you look at me from up there where you are, and you see my soul cry out for you, because, you know...? I know this isn't what you were trying to convey. This is your first post, and it's a learning process. The first thing to learn is not to fall in love with what you have written. It's just words. Your best friend in the whole world, when it comes to writing lyrics, is the 'delete' key. The key to writing lyrics isn't the inspiration that drives you to put pen to paper ( or fingers to keyboard) - it's the skill and perseverance that it takes to improve upon that initial inspiration until what you have written evokes the same emotion in the listener, when your song is finally sung. as the emotion you had in that initial inspiration. Embrace the challenge and grow. Read books on lyric writing. Post more lyrics and read the critiques carefully. Critique the work of others as constructively as you can, and you will find that it makes you a better lyricist and inspires you. And keep writing.
  9. I'm lost here, There are two completely different lyrics, inspired by two different movies. And no offense to the author, as this is directed to Mahesh, but these are showcase lyrics? Just saying' . . .
  10. MISTY MORNING V1 Joe was an enlisted boy, deployed in Normandy Took a belly full of lead, fighting for the free You were Woman’s Army Corp, serving in the rear Tending where the injured lay, fighting pain and fear On the beach at Luc-Sur-Mer, they charged his care to you As you nursed him back to life, a love inside him grew And when he opened up his eyes, the first thing that he saw . . . Ch Was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair It was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair V2 When the war was over, he took you for his wife I was born and for a while, we lived a happy life He was like the earth below, and you the sky above I had everything between – a childhood full of love My favorite game we played was when I sat upon his knee He told me that I made him proud and all that I could be And when I looked into his eyes, reflecting back on me . . . Ch Was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair It was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair Br Then it changed – The sun didn't shine at all And if squirrels still played And robins sang I can’t recall V3 (starts on 3rd line) All he ever wanted was a life with you and me I guess you had a restless spirit, yearning to be free He woke up to the note you left the night you flew away He kept it by his bedside and he read it every day But through the tears that filled his eyes, all that he could see . . . Ch Was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair It was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair V4 (second stanza only) The summer Joe turned eighty-five, his mind began to go Clawing at the memories of the things he used to know And when he died in mid-November, the last thing that he saw . . . Ch Was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair It was a misty morning, and the sun was like a rainbow in your hair Norman Maser © 2013
  11. Tom, Something I have noticed in some of your critiques - of other's lyrics as well as my own, is that you sometimes make suggestions that would take the lyric off into a completely different direction. I think in your comment above, you have hit on what I have always thought - that the lyrics give you inspiration for a different song of your own. In this case, you expressed a lot of passion for your own ideas, and I would LOVE TO SEE you write your own song. On thing I meant to add to one of my replies to you above was, "Thank you for serving." A couple of other things regarding my own comments above: I did not start out writing this song for vets, but as the song developed, the plight of vets as forgotten heroes was very much on my mind, and I did want to draw attention to it. Regarding your correct criticism of my grammer, I am pretty sure that "We lost Harold and Sylvester falling back." is an example of a dangling participle. The participle is 'falling'. A participle is a modifier, which describes the subject, which in this case is"We", not "Harold and Sylvester". But a participle should be placed as close to the subject as possible to avoid the confusion that you mentioned. However, a participle is not a verb, and therefore cannot prescribe and action to Harold and Sylevester. For that to be the case, it would have to be, "We lost Harold and Sylvester, as they fell back." It's just an imperfect sentence structure. The song begins with these words half-sung, half spoken, and sounds like natural conversation IMO. Regarding 'track', a track is basically a marking or trail in the ground left by previous footfalls or vehicles. "The explosion blew our Humvee off the track" is exactly the same as, "The explosion blew our Humvee off the road," or "The explosion blew our Humvee off the trail." But track is a most accurate description of the situation I was trying to convey. The explosion did not blow the Humvee off it's own tracks. The interpretation I have provided seems obvious to me and several others who I have asked since you posted the comment, and they all agree that the meaning is obvious, unambiguous, and the only one that makes any sense. Regarding the use of first names, your point is taken, especially as yours is the voice of experience. It would be easy to change the names. For some reason I am hesitant to do so. Perhaps this is a case of me doing what I often accuse others of, which is holding onto my own perceptions of things even when presented with evidence that I am wrong, because it takes time to assimilate and incorporate the new information. I may just be rationalizing or being defensive, or I may be willing to sacrifice authenticity on this issue to help the non-military listener relate to the topic, as I think that using proper first names presents the dead, not as soldiers, but as people, sons of mothers, and that it points to the personal tragedy and loss of war, rather than the literal fact of how people act in war. But maybe this is a stretch and I am just full of s**t. I will chew on it and remain open-minded. In the same vein, another reviewer, whose comments seems to have mysteriously disappeared from the thread, preferred "I'm living on the streets" to, "Living in the street." This was a choice that I had previously considered and discarded for the same reasons I am holding onto first names. "On the streets" conjures up the gritty and perilous existence of navigating life on the streets, while "in the street" creates the more intimate image of one man in one setting, perhaps on the sidewalk, playing his guitar for spare change. My word choices are all based on the imagery I am trying to create to tell the story and evoke emotion from the listener. Thanks so very much, Tom, for giving this thread so much attention.
  12. The thing is, I didn't write it for all those veterans. It's a song about one man's struggle to regain dignity. I was hoping to find out whether it had the emotional authenticity for vets to relate to it. Below is perhaps the best known song by the great John Prine. It was the inspiration for my lyric. It's about another injured vet who struggled in a very different way, but still did it in rhyme and meter. Please listen on YouTube. The lyrics are below: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJXGsJkYM0g Sam Stone (aka The Great Society Conflict Veteran's Blues) ©John Prine Sam Stone came home, to his wife and family After serving in the conflict overseas. And the time that he served, Had shattered all his nerves, And left a little shrapnel in his knee. But the morphine eased the pain, And the grass grew round his brain, And gave him all the confidence he lacked, With a Purple Heart and a monkey on his back. Chorus: There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes, Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose. Little pitchers have big ears, Don't stop to count the years, Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios. Mmm.... Sam Stone's welcome home didn't last too long. He went to work when he'd spent his last dime And Sammy took to stealing When he got that empty feeling For a hundred dollar habit without overtime. And the gold rolled through his veins Like a thousand railroad trains, And eased his mind in the hours that he chose, While the kids ran around wearin' other peoples' clothes... Repeat Chorus: Sam Stone was alone when he popped his last balloon Climbing walls while sitting in a chair Well, he played his last request While the room smelled just like death With an overdose hovering in the air But life had lost its fun And there was nothing to be done But trade his house that he bought on the G. I. Bill For a flag draped casket on a local heroes' hill. Repeat Chorus
  13. I like this. I was not crazy about the lyrics when I read them. But a song is music and lyrics coming together and I like the song. After I listened to the song I reread the lyrics and liked them much more. I am critical of the lines you sing slowly. I think they are too slow, to the point that the feeling they should create just goes flat. Even your fastest singing still carries emotion in the melody and the way you sing. I am surprised by how slowly many new songwriters sing, like they need to draw out the deep feeling. The feeling is already there in your words and music. I agree with the criticism of the line "goddamn piece of pie". Not because of the 'goddamn' or the piece of pie, but that they don't go well together. Even just changing it to "goddamn piece of the pie" works better. Ah, I guess this is an English idiom, "piece of the pie," with which you may not be familiar. Your music is really good, could be a little more polished in some spots, IMO, but VERY enjoyable to listen to. I also would agree that TOMORROW's DAY is a good title for this. As for English being your second language, this is better than a lot of lyrics from writers who claim it to be their first language. I would like to hear more of your songs. You have talent.
  14. I kind of like this. ' Throw it away in case you can’t hold on' is a good line, and there are others too, but that one does hit me pretty strong and obviously it carries a lot of weight in this lyric. I think it's a little lost and needs a lot of work, but I don't mean to be judgmental or negative. I don't comment on lyrics that I don't see promise in. What I really want to know is the genre you have in mind, then I will try to provide something more constructively.
  15. Responding to your welcome comments, which I excerpted into four neat little sections above: 1st section - I agree with you that these are not injuries that would be neglected as a systemic failure - I was writing it more as a case of falling through the cracks (notice that there is no indictment or anger in this lyric, it is just the story of one man's struggle to regain his dignity). You would be amazed at the difficulty that vets can have getting information and paperwork processed regarding their available benefits. This applies to many other government (and private)bureaucracies as well, such as Social Security. Whether through lack of competence, staffing, training or caring (take your pick) within the VA, individuals may wait months or years before their issues are addressed, and are left to fend for themselves until that time comes. I have first hand knowledge of this. But it's a fair point for you to make, which is why I want to know how vets feel about it. Does this connect emotionally with their feeling of being under-appreciated or neglected when they have sacrificed so much and been hailed as heroes by the political system that holds them at it's mercy when they return home? Are you a vet, Tom? 2nd section - I thought you were wrong, but I looked it up and you are correct. In the process I got a refresher course in gerunds, participles and infinitives. If the wording was, "Falling back, we lost Harold and Sylvester, " it would be grammatically correct. However, the meaning remains clear, as it was to you. I think it sounds conversationally acceptable, and fits the meter and rhythm of the other verses, so I will probably keep this (he says, averting his eyes towards the ground). 3rd section - nicknames. Maybe you are correct. I can't say because I was not in the service. I have listened to vets talk about their army buddies without using nicknames, so maybe they more commonly use nickname when addressing each other or talking about each other among themselves, but not always when talking to outsiders? In this case, this vet is talking about the deceased, and uses proper names out of respect, which tells us something about his character. I intentionally used names that commonly be shortened (Harry, Sly" when addressing them to add to the respectful tone. 4th section - Track, as used here, refers to (from Merriam-Webster) "a mark left on the ground by a moving animal, person, or vehicle." Thanks for the comments!