Timbre

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Timbre last won the day on May 7

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About Timbre

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    Sultry delivery and phrasing of R& B, rich voices and haunting stories of country music, complex tapestry of classical, enchanting harmonies of music from Africa--you see where I'm going with this; I like it all.

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  1. Hi, Peggy. Some great lines in these lyrics. "Blowing a kiss drawn in red" was a favorite. Overall, it certainly seems to fit the brief. I didn't easily grasp the meaning, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I wasn't able to connect up with it as easily. In looking at the chorus, what occurred to me is that the first 3 lines of each stanza are sort of observational with no subject, however the 4th line (the hook) is more personal. I thought you might consider how to tie the first 3 lines of each stanza to the hook more closely. Also, the hook makes me wonder what she is provoking the singer to do and I was wanting more of a hint on that. Carefully crafted overall. Just wanted to play up some opportunities to dial up the meaning. ~T
  2. I like that the chorus speaks generally of something important coming to an end, and thus works for print journalism, coal mining etc.I agree that there's more of a story to tell regardless of the brief. I also think the chorus gives a stark message and I thought the last line could be broken up to keep that stark tone and play up the hook. ~T I think it’s over You know its over It’s over and out Time to bring the curtain down
  3. Not exactly sure what you mean by "writing in bars", but let me throw out some ideas about where you might start in terms of bringing more intentional structure to your lyric writing. First and foremost, I think you have the right idea about studying up on this. There are untold resources available on song structure. There are some really helpful tutorial articles right here on SS that can help you learn the basics of lyric structure so you can more effectively edit your own work. Other types of material to study are other peoples lyrics--including lyrics of songs by your favorite artists as well as lyrics in-progress on the site. Try to identify what makes a verse or chorus feel complete and like it has communicated a complete idea, and what makes a verse or chorus feel like its scattered and the main idea is hard to capture. There's a lot of trial and error in this, but doing a lot of reading/listening (and critiquing) can help you develop a stronger eye/ear for structure. I also believe reading and studying poetry can teach you a lot about conveying meaning in a concise way You mentioned that you don't know anything about music. I'm assuming you mean that you are not a musician or perhaps don't read music. Many lyricists are non-musicians but I believe that ALL lyricists need to be musical in important ways, both technically and artistically. More technically speaking, it would be useful for you to learn some basic music theory because so much of the discussion of lyric writing includes music concepts as kind of a shorthand that folks who know a bit of theory will understand. You don't have to be a virtuoso, and you likely know more about music than you think, but you want to get some grounding in this area so that you can fully participate in the process and make the most of the feedback that you get. On the artistic side, think about what makes a person musical separate from playing an instrument, singing, or reading music--think about sense of timing, rhythm, love of words and how to put them together to make folks want to sing them, etc. There are lots of ways to be musical, so if you are drawn to lyric writing you are musical--you just need to do some self-study about what form(s) your musicality takes. Hope there's something here that's useful
  4. Hi, Summer Days. Lots of good fire imagery throughout lyrics. Kept getting stuck on the "trash" lines for some reason. I think those lines kept competing with the way fire is typically used metaphorically in relationship songs--to refer to the physical chemistry. Burning trash kept taking me in another direction. It's not a bad thing to play with the listener's expectations, but if you do the unexpected it has to add in some important way. The "trash" lines didn't do that for me. I was reading "can't put blame on that burning fire" as a possible double meaning, but I wasn't sure which way you were going. Is blame like oil and putting it on the fire makes a fire burn higher, hotter, etc? I thought that was interesting and could be polished up some throughout with a bit more message discipline so that all references to that retain or reinforce the double meaning. Overall the fire metaphor morphed from verse to verse and you might consider what your main fire metaphor is going to be and work your verses and choruses around that. The title of "Flaming Fire" is redundant--doesn't add much lyrically, but perhaps "Can't blame the fire" could work if the idea behind it gets developed more fully. Structurally, your verses and choruses felt a little too long because the rhyme structure changed every 4 lines and the rhyme expectations were only partially met. This was a gem, but got lost in your long verse. I'm thinking that you could say a lot more with fewer words, but there is lots of good stuff here to work from. ~T
  5. On first read this was lovely! The alliteration was subtle but effective. In the chorus the 3rd line stood out a bit--maybe to specific? Without that line the chorus has more of an ease to it. Now that might mess with the stabiity/instability contrast between verse and chorus, but your short, plaintive hook is worth repeating one more time in the chorus, like so: He holds on. He holds ontrying to pull back whatever's goneShe's there with him, but he's aloneStill.. he holds on He holds on I'll take another look at this with fresh eyes, but outstanding effort in my view. ~T
  6. Hi, John. This chorus really sings! Nice job with it. I also wasn't seeing a need to change it up at the end. The challenge is creating verses that have some progression but still fit logically with the chorus--almost like a conversation that leads back to the same main point of the chorus. A few ideas for the logic flow that could still fit the chorus: V1 - He gets the idea that she wants kiss him and he needs to warn her, more generally, that its all or nothing V2 - He gets more specific by sharing some history about being led on in the past and not wanting to be disappointed again V3 - He shares what his hopes are for a serious relationship going forward Just some ideas, but writing around this kind of logic flow really helps me when I'm trying to tell a story and avoid gaps that lead to disconnects between verse and chorus and between verses. ~T
  7. Hi, Patty. Thanks for critiquing. Lines 3 and 4 were meant to explain what playing along looks and feels like while keeping the words spare and stark to echo the mood of the song. Another take on that is to use a bit of repetition in the 3rd line which conveys a doubling down on a pretty hopeless thought. Performance-wise, I think there's a lot of space in the lines to play with it a bit, and with a melody to echo the sadness, the lyrics won't have to carry the burden of clarity on their own. Wrapped up in your memory There's no need to play along No going through the motions And always feeling wrong
  8. Hi, Patty. I think these lyrics (including the previous versions) have good bones. To my way of thinking you are trying to tell tell 2 stories at once and with fewer words, not more. That takes mad skills and you are working toward that. I really like the idea that the singer is giving advice based on her own experience. I think it would be more effective to save that reveal until the end of the song. What's still missing for me is wisdom that conveys "why" and "how" behind the hood. It's clear that the singer is advising against the affair, but it feels too easy to "just say no" "give him back your heart" and "teach him how to play--(but great line!)". This song needs to grab the audience, sit them down, and lay out some wisdom. For it to be convincing, I think the singer needs to make an emotional case for "why" by laying out what the advisee stands to lose if she has the affair. And the singer has the first-hand experience to be compelling (without the full reveal until the end). So think in terms of losing the love/respect of a good man, losing self-respect, etc, but saying it in a stark and lyrical way that says the cost will be high and you can't afford to pay it! The case for "how" also needs to be more specific and compelling. I like the sexy route of teaching him how to play, but is sex all that has turn her head or has she fallen out of love? So the big question for me is "how do you fall in love again"? You're not trying to produce a full how-to manual but within the scope of the song the singer could suggest what the first step (and possibly hardest) step might look like. I did have a few specific ideas about what you have so far, highlighted in red font. ~T You asked me to be honest So I’ll put it to you square (this word choice is folksy, which I like, but also uncommon enough to read like a forced rhyme imho) Girlfriend, please don’t do it Don’t have an affair You say this man is magic You can’t resist a rendezvous his moves (word choice is simpler and doesn't take the listener out of the magic metaphor; still has near rhyme) But magic’s an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too (It blinds you to the truth--or something similar to stay within the metaphor and save the reveal for later). Chorus: (Feels incomplete -- Add a possible second half to the chorus with a different 4th line?) Girl, don’t do it Just don’t do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home When you floated down the aisle Your heart beat just for him/You needed only him Give your heart back to your man him back your heart (cleaner and closer match to cadence of earlier verses) You can feel that way again Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Just don’t do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home Yeah, take your passion home tonight And find a way to stay Grab the man you married And teach him how to play Teach him how to play Teach him how to play Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Just don’t do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home
  9. Hi, Joey. Thanks for you comments. I will definitely think them over. The title feels not quite right to me too. I'm wondering about going shorter rather than switching up the words--maybe just Fall Too Far. I think that works 2 ways--the singer feels she has fallen too far in her past and now her heart won't let her fall too far out of self-preservation. Something to think on. In this set of lyrics I've been experimenting with different types of repetition. I tried out repetition of the "taken", "given" and other words in lines 1 and 2 of most verses. Didn't quite work for V3 (yet), but still working on it. The 1st verse came to me all at once (melody and all) and the repetition felt right because it helped me double down on the main idea underlying the lines. In V1 the main idea is poor decisions (short cuts, wrong turns). In V2 the main idea is lack of self-preservation (give away too much, too soon). There's an insistence to it that fits the vibe for me so pretty happy with those lines (for now). On the back half in V3 I repeated V1 from the guy's perspective to make the point he's made the same mistakes, so I used the same words to help drive that point home. I also like the idea that the singer has chosen someone who has made the same mistakes she has made and, like her, is choosing a different path. That makes her all the more sure that she doesn't need to hold back--which is the message in V4. Still think those sections need some TLC. Thanks for some ideas to chew on. ~T
  10. Ya, I think David's got a good point here. This is good discussion. The way I approached it is by looking at it both literally and more figuratively. On the surface there is an obvious and real power imbalance between someone who is armed and someone who is not. But beneath that are 2 human beings who, from their own perspectives may be dealing with common fears and emotions. Whether you are driven by duty or another personal principle there's going to be some common ground. Not necessarily equivalence, but something shared is at least a place for 2 people to start. Hmm, now how to get that in 4 lines?
  11. Hi, HoboSage. I appreciate the comments. In V1 was trying to capture the adversarial images that we see of protesters vs police. My interpretation is that it does feel extreme and can be a matter of life and death, depending on the circumstances. I'll think on it. Thanks again. ~T
  12. Ah yes. I tried out "all that's broken" but there wasn't any personal collective responsibility in that word choice.
  13. Thanks for appreciating that line. I kept going back and forth with other options--fix, heal, etc, but kept coming back to the image of the social fabric of our country being torn and threads holding us together being broken and needing to be mended. So that's what I went with. ~T
  14. I missed that this was happening widely in schools because I don't have small kids, but I tried to put myself in the shoes of the woman coming to the realization that she couldn't continue to follow the school policy of lunch shaming. I think we've all found ourselves not living our values, in big ways or small. I know I have. How do we find our way back? http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pennsylvania-school-cafeteria-worker-quits-over-lunch-shaming-policy/ Shame in Their Eyes Copyright 2017 by L.C. Campbell V1 They reached out in need, too hungry for pride Starving for more than a meal could provide Too young to disguise the shame in their eyes The shame that feeds the fire V2 They were looking for safety and somewhere to hide Holding out hope that the world would be kind I turned away from the fear in their eyes The fear drives the flames higher And I burn Ch1 I burn for the helpless I burn for the hurt In my little corner of hell here on earth I burn V3 Just a cog in the wheel, it’s no fault of mine To turn them away at the front of the line They were too young to fight the tears in their eyes Those tears branded me a liar V4 I went looking for safety and somewhere to hide Holding out hope that the world would be kind Is there a way back for the cruel and the blind Redemption’s my greatest desire And I yearn Ch2 To turn to the helpless To turn to the hurt In my little corner of hell here on earth It’s my turn To turn to the helpless To turn to the hurt In my little corner of hell here on earth It’s my turn
  15. This one's been percolating a while. Sometimes the heart knows best . . . or does it? Comments and ideas are most welcome. Won’t Let Me Fall Too Far Copyright © 2017 by L.C. Campbell V1 I’ve taken my wrong turns I’ve taken those short cuts I’ve woken up all alone Not knowing which way was up I’ve given in too fast I’ve given away too much My heart learned its lesson I’m not safe to trust V2 I’m seeing clear now And my mind is made up This one feels different This could be the one Can almost touch the real thing Almost taste his sweet love But my heart just won’t let me Get close enough Ch1 He’s everything that I could ever want But I’ve been careless with my heart Now it won’t let me fall too far I swear this time is different I can feel it in his touch But I’ve been careless with my heart Now it won’t let me fall in love V3 He’s taken his wrong turns He’s taken those short cuts He’s tried to go it alone But he’s giving that up So I wanna go too fast I wanna give too much But my heart just won’t let me Take this chance on love Ch He’s everything that I could ever want But I’ve been careless with my heart Now it won’t let me fall too far I swear this time is different I can feel it in his touch But I’ve been careless with my heart Now it won’t let me fall in love