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Everything posted by Timbre

  1. I Fell Apart

    Elvis/Sandie Shaw did a song in the 60s. Song performed by Bob Marley/Annie Lenox used that idea too. You can find the lyrics online to those songs and others. ~T
  2. So Long

    Grabbed me from the first chord measure. The instrumental bit at the end was just as enthralling as the rest. Great melody and movement. The beginning part of the melody sequence put me in mind of Land of Confusion-Genesis, but the chords are darker and the overall composition has a unique vibe. Really enjoyed it. I'm no expert, but it had a film placement quality to it. It set's a mood. Really enjoyed it. ~T
  3. addicted to you

    Hi, John. Like this a lot! For the bridge what about building on the "good addiction" theme by saying " There's no better lover/I don't want to recover" rather than bringing in the possibility of someone else into it. Just lyrics off the top of my head to communicate the vibe. Perhaps polishing that idea up would make for a stronger bridge? ~T
  4. It's Just A Song

    Hi, Cassie. Gorgeous voice. I like the direction the edits are going. It's feeling reminiscent of Trisha Yearwood's The Song Remembers When -- has the same appreciation of the power of a song. I think it's true that songs don't always strike us the same and you don't have to back away from that. But building up a story around that truth could take away some of the sting that others have commented on. Your edits made me think about how some couples have "our song", but what happens after the breakup? One scenario that could fit with this hook is that one person (the singer) hangs onto all the good memories associated with the song, while to the other person it's "just a song". Then the hook becomes a metaphor for wondering if the relationship had been one-sided. In my head that's a very vulnerable and intimate frame to put around these lyrics. Think of Tim McGraw/Faith Hill Like We Never Loved At All-- where the singer is still attached to the relationship and wonders if they guy ever was. You've got a good start to that kind of story arc, starting with young love and maybe progressing to marriage and mid-life, etc. I thought the first 4 lines would make a great intro/outro and also suggested some pronoun tweaks. There's so much good stuff here! Thanks for sharing. ~T Intro A turn of the dial and I wanna cry Takes me back to you and I (grammatically, this should be "you and me" but for the sake of the rhyme let's go with it!) Just can't help but sing along but maybe to you it's just a song V1 brand new shoes on an old gym floor nobody saw us slipping out the door and driving around till the crack of dawn maybe to you it's just a song And I may not know exactly where I'm going but it helps sometimes to look back where I've been to just wrap myself in a melody and a memory so strong but maybe to you, maybe to you it's just a song
  5. I Fell Apart

    Hi, PP. Cool idea to work from. I have 2 suggestions. One is to have a bit more development of the main conflict. What happened between "I fell in love" and "He held the puppet strings . . . "? When did the singer hand over the strings? Some indication that when you love someone you give them power over you that sometimes gets abused. The second suggestion is to flesh out the puppet metaphor a bit more and to stay consistent with it. As one critique above noted, the puppet metaphor has been used before so you have the added challenge of finding a unique twist to add to it. As it currently reads the lyric mixes 2 metaphors: the idea of the heart like a puppet on a string and heart strings (i.e., emotions) which usually take on some kind of musical instrument (e.g. Zing went the strings of my heart). The overall story arc would be improved by choosing one metaphor and fully developing it (as noted in first suggestion) and staying close too it. For example, the final verse departs from the puppet metaphor quite a bit with the introduction of shards and glass, so that needs some attention. Good luck with it. ~T
  6. Hi, Leo. It was mainly the former last line leading into the hook: The break between "I know why" and "it is, I'm losing . . ." had that spillover quality. In the edit the repetition of I know does the job of starting a new phrase rather than spilling over, but it still has the same problem imho of stepping on the hook. It's a simple but powerful hook--don't clutter it up I really think the hook lands beautifully without the extra words. ~T
  7. Simply drift away

    Hi, Tom. Glad this one is still alive and kicking. Still love the "daydream/what if " vibe of the lyrics. Some thoughts--the length and cadence of the 3rd line of each verse changes up from verse to verse. In my head this lyric has the potential for more of a conversational delivery where there is room for the cadence to vary somewhat within the verse as long as the verse starts and ends on time with the music. But if you want that 3rd line to match up then you'll need to tweak it some. Some say , Now some say I just need to let you go-- (This 3rd line from earlier version works better than the new one because it's in the form of what others might say. I know I need to let you go is what the singer would say). I like that the bridge has a different structure but it sort of took me out of the vibe of rest of song. I like where it landed (again, that "what if" quality) but the first 3 lines didn't sit right for some reason. Great idea to use the first verse sort of like an outro. Wasn't sure you needed that last repeat of the chorus b/c it steps on the outro--but ok with it. ~T
  8. Dancing After The Music Stops  

    The bridge as currently written with both the good/bad and right/wrong lines reads a bit cliche. How about going with the last 3 lines with a tweak, such as: It's not right or wrong Just a dance a dance that went long Yeah, a dance that went too long
  9. Hello, i'm new to this

    Welcome, Marquee!
  10. That Night You Danced With Me

    I guess it depends on what willows symbolism is being invoked. Willows are known for their flexibility; bending in the wind without breaking. Willow imagery is often used to invoke going with the flow, adjusting, surrendering. So two willows would exhibit a lot of give and take with another rather than resistance. I'm not familiar with willow imagery to suggest seamlessness, but the cool thing about language is that the meanings morph!
  11. That Night You Danced With Me

    Hi, Patty. I like the simplicity and imagery of these lyrics. The structure of V1 is different from all the other verses so that could be tweaked to match the other verses. The chorus felt very much like a pre-chorus that was a lead in to a full chorus that never came and just transitioned quickly to the next verse. You might sit with that and see if a chorus comes to mind. Just a nit: The willow image was slightly off for me because it didn't fit 2 people. What about We moved together, like willows in the breeze ~T
  12. Dancing After The Music Stops  

    Hi, Peggy. I think this is a great hook as a metaphor for hanging on to a relationship too long or even as a metaphor for trying to make more out of something that was not meant to be serious. It even works as a metaphor for keeping a relationship going when the romance has waned. I thought that the verses and chorus could be more closely tied to the metaphor so that the overall impression lingers. In the verses you have some nice contrast between the mood of dancing in low lights and then the lights coming up and shining a more harsh light on things. There were some extra bits and turns of phrase that may serve the cadence but didn't seem to add as much to the substance. For example "too close to see" is a great line that fits the lack of objectivity, and the next iteration of this idea could be "too bright to see", rather than "too bright we agree" which doesn't fit as well. The chorus sort of lost me. It has a different feel because of the first-person perspective, takes a philosophical turn re: imperfection, and the second half is a bit flirty. I like the chorus, but it wasn't connecting up to the hook in my head and so it feels like its for a different song. Hope some of this is useful. ~T
  13. Hi, Leo. Cool phrasing with each line spilling over into the next. My suggestion would be to not carry that same style into the chorus to give more contrast between verse and chorus. I also like the new hook/ title but I think it gets steppd on a bit with the lead in "It is". I thin the hook can stand on its own in that last line--much cleaner and more stark that way. -T
  14. The Storm

    I like how this has developed and the simple refrain of "Oh, Love"--could be interpreted as talking about love or talking dirctly to love. Switching the order of the first and second sections made more sense to me chronologically in telling story. Wasn't sure about last section intention. With different line length and cadence, it read more like an outro. Enjoyed it. ~T
  15. She Moves Me. By John Craig

    Hi, John. Some nice elements here. I agree with Lisa that your hook is in a strong enough position to support the song title, but the phrasing used in performing it would need to emphasize it so it doesn't get swallowed up by the rest of the line. I'm drawn to that title because it reminds me of the song "She Still Moves Me" by Dan Seals. If you don't know it, it might be worth a listen to get an example of where I'm coming from with my phrasing comment. It's a somewhat different set up b/c the hook is in the chorus, rather than the verses like you have it, but good example of who to showcase a hook that's more sweetly evocative than the usual hook that packs a punch. I thought the verses could be tightened up a bit in terms of choosing one analogy for each verse and developing it so the whole verse hangs together. V1 had a few different images going on. V2 had a chess analogy, except for the 3rd line. V3 had the "above the crowd" image that work with "not putting down" so that might be tweaked some more. Love the first line of the chorus with it's nod to Seger. For me it also reads with the most ease and lyricism. The downside to a smooth line is that it really plays up the awkwardness of some of the other lines that have been pointed out. These lines in the chorus read as a bit forced and not quite as lyrical as that first line, but I like the idea that is being communicated. I thought the bridge would be stronger with a shorter cadence that contrasted more with the longer lines of verse and chorus and maybe a bit of tension between past and present, for example: Giving up my rough old ways wasn't easy Now I'm finally the man she sees in me Enjoyed it. ~T
  16. Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

    No worries! It could just as easily have been a set of lyrics that Les and I collaborated on where both our names appear in the by lines. We've done a couple of fun collaborations for the challenges and some critiques get directed at him and some at me. It's all good. -Lisa
  17. Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

    Laughing is good! I love to laugh! Yes, I got all mixed up thinking you were the poster of the song and EVENTUALLY I caught on, but didn't have the chance to reply, so all the above was meant for @Skin, though I'm sure is irrelevant now due to timing, but I knew you were fairly new here, so when I thought YOU wrote the song, figured it was recent. Doesn't take much to confuse me! lol! And just to add another layer of confusion, Les didn't post the lyrics, I did! I think the glitch is that Les's critique is the first critique on the 2nd page of critiques for this challenge. Easy to miss that there's a first page to this thread with more discussion of these lyrics and others. I'd say it's a sign of a healthy critique forum when there's enough traffic to get lost in !!
  18. Song Title Association Game

    Signed Sealed Delivered (I'm Yours) / Stevie Wonder
  19. Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

    Yep. I thought you might have just missed the challenge date, but its all good. The challenge vibe around here is that it's more about the challenge than the date. It just helps to stay closer to current challenge period if you want to get more feedback/discussion. We are currently on Challenge #7 for 2017 -- The Protest Song. Just a couple drafts submitted so far. Would love to get your feedback on my post there if you have time. I'll dig up that revision and repost soon. ~T
  20. Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

    Hi, Ray. I didn't recognize this post at first because this lyric has undergone so many revisions off-site since I first posted it last summer! Thanks for weighing in. After some tweaks to the chorus the hook/title was changed to "Breathing You In" and the bridge was deleted altogether. Can't access the full revision right now but it fit your critique in many respects. Appreciate the read. ~T
  21. What makes a song great?

    I was a teen of the 80s. Come on Eileen was a BIG hit in the US. #1 on Pop Charts. Fun times!
  22. Heyyyyyy

    Welcome. Yes, yes, yes, write songs. You will get positive and negative feedback here, which will help you grow, but none of it will have anything to do with if you should write. As long as you are drawn to it, keep writing.
  23. Lyrics Writing Challenge #7 - Protest Song

    I like the cautionary tale these lyrics tell about living under the threat of nuclear Armageddon while creating another form of annihilation that is less dramatic but no less devastating. I was also curious about aspects of the overall structure and the rhyme structure. The overall structure is VVVCVC. I wondered about your decision to present 3 verses before going into the chorus. It felt a bit lopsided but perhaps there is an intention behind that. In terms of the rhyme scheme, there were 3 schemes across the 4 verses--V 2 and 3 had same scheme, but V1 was completely different from those verses and also different from V4. Because the verse rhyme scheme across the verses the distinction between V and Ch wasn't as pronounced. I also wondered about the use of the Armageddon lines. I thought they were all interesting, but if you use them as the last line for the verses (all but V1) and the chorus, it further blurs the distinction between verse and chorus. A final observation is about protest song structure. I'm no expert on this, so for this challenge I studied traditional protest songs like "if I had a hammer", "We shall overcome", "Bread and Roses", "Power in a Union" that are in the AAA form with no chorus, just verses that use repetition either in the beginning of the verse and a refrain at the end. But there also more modern VCVC forms of protests such as "Conviction of the Heart" by Kenny Loggins that uses a refrain-style chorus but it's not necessarily a song to march to. Curious if you had a protest song structure in mind? ~T
  24. Lyrics Writing Challenge #6 - Opposites

    Great imagery throughout and I really like the double opposites of labor hard/rest easy in your chorus. I kept getting tripped up on that "my arms, my arms". It's not a tongue twister in any way; it's very singable but it felt "extra" for some reason. An idea that occurred to me is to tweak that line to remove the extra bits and then repeat the whole thing twice, like so: You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,Rest easy in my arms tonight You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,Rest easy in my arms tonight Even if you kept the chorus to just 2 lines, changing the cadence of that second line makes it sound more complete/stable to my ear. Just my take. ~T P.S. on posting too soon--I struggle with hanging on too long because I can't figure something out or it doesn't quite feel ready and I want to put out a finished product. For me letting go and posting too soon is now the whole point. That way I can stay open to suggestions rather than being so fixed on my ideas that I'm reluctant to try others' ideas on for size. The challenges are good for letting go, because of that pesky time crunch built in before the next challenge comes along!
  25. Lyrics Writing Challenge #7 - Protest Song

    Welcome to the site! Thanks for the nice comments. I heard a great talk a while ago that the oceans are the earth's circulatory system and the rain forests of Brazil act as lungs because they determine the CO2-oxygen exchange for the planet, just like our own lungs do. It was fascinating and it stuck with me. ~T