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Everything posted by Timbre

  1. Very encouraging. Thanks. Summer Days.
  2. Keep My Powder Dry Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell Verse 1 When love turns to war It’s not love anymore Home is a battleground Casualties all around Don’t even remember what I’m fighting for Chorus 1 So I’ll keep on keepin’ on Give nothing away Bind up my wounds Live to love another day Hold my head up high You won’t see me cry No tears on my face I’ll keep my powder dry Verse 2 We were on the same side Now the gap’s a mile wide I can’t see your heart from here Who we were has disappeared There’s no point in fighting what’s already died Chorus 2 So I’ll keep on keepin’ on Give nothing away Bind up my wounds Live to love another day Hold my head up high You won’t see me cry No tears on my face I’ll keep my powder dry Bridge I’ve learned the hard way that lipstick and blush Just aren’t enough when the going gets rough Chorus 3 So I’ll keep on keepin’ on Give my heart away In spite of my wounds I’ll live to love another day Hold my head up high You won’t see me cry No tears on my face I’ll keep my powder dry
  3. I think this is a powerful statement. Giving it your all fits the "if you do it right" part of the hook. It serves to counterbalance the abandonment theme, which I think is so honest but can hijack the song if you don't balance it out some. A bridge could be a good place to make the point about giving it your all. In terms of how you respond to feedback, that's up to you. You've gotten a lot of response pretty quickly so it can be more efficient to combine it like you did. I find that the most important thing is to acknowledge the feedback in some way so folks know you are receptive to it, which you clearly are . ~T
  4. I think you've got a great idea here to build on. HoboSage's idea about changing the circumstances in each verse makes sense to tell a more interesting story--somewhat like the Patty Loveless song "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye" in which the first verse is about moving away from a best friend and final verse is the mother passing away. Your statement above about the friendships not ending but just changing could add some nuance to the chorus. The phrases "they leave you behind" and "start over again" are pretty stark statements that may be exactly what you want to convey, but if not, then its worth considering how to soften that a bit. I think your title/hook is a great testament to friendship. Good stuff to build on. ~T
  5. Hi, Patty. Welcome to the site! Thanks for critiquing. I appreciate your observation re: the bridge. The main message is that you have to dig deep to get past heartache; the superficial won't get you past it, so I'm using makeup is a metaphor for the superficial. I can see how the intro to the bridge bridge "I learned the hard way" can be misconstrued as the singer actually thinking that makeup would be enough and then getting a rude awakening, but I'm hoping that in performance this line is experienced less literally and with more of a rueful quality--expressing sorrow with a bit of humor. I'll think on it some more. Lisa
  6. Hi, Retro. Thanks for critiquing. I didn't connect with the "obviously sarcastic" bit, but it's cool to hear other interpretations of the lyric. For the bridge, I wasn't using the first line for originality but to set up the second line. In fact for the second line to work as intended the first line actually needed to be a familiar saying of conventional wisdom about grief. The singer's desire goes against that conventional wisdom-- If you are not ready to let go of someone that you've lost, and their memory fades over time, then the passage of time is scary. I was trying to invoke that idea and using a common saying as foil to set it up. Thanks again for reading. ~T
  7. The Upside of Lonely Copyright © 2017 by L.C. Campbell V1 There’s an upside to lonely It seems to slow down time Hours never end And days drift slowly by When you give in to lonely It rises up inside Fills in all the spaces Where love used to reside Ch1 From the outside, looking in This ain’t no way to live But right now it gets me through So I’m going to hang onto The upside of lonely V2 Wrapped up in your memory There’s no need to play along Just going through the motions And always feeling wrong So I’m counting on lonely To fill me up inside To take up all the space Where love used to reside Ch From the outside, looking in This ain’t no way to live But right now it gets me through So I’m going to hang onto The upside of lonely Bridge Don’t want time to heal these wounds If healing means losing you Ch From the outside, looking in This ain’t no way to live But right now it gets me through So I’m going to hang onto The upside of lonely
  8. Clever ode to the Stones! Masterfully done. ~T
  9. I also like the idea. The chorus starting with "We've all been given promises . . . " isn't functioning structurally or lyrically like a chorus. The "Adam was no lover" line feels like the start of a chorus, as Tom noted. It ties back to your title. You have a lot of good material here and some structure will help to showcase the best stuff. One idea you might try is to craft a solid chorus around the Leaving Eden theme and then build your verses around it. ~T
  10. Maybe it's the romantic in me, but the idea of the singer potentially reaching out in 4th verse really adds something. So it's got my vote!
  11. Hey, Tom. I've thought about this one off and on over the last few weeks and I think I know what's been tickling my brain! I like the internal rhymes but what would finish it off for me is to connect up the final lines of V1 and V2 with the same rhyme scheme and the same for V3 and V4. See a couple ideas below. ~T Sometimes , Baby sometimes It's so hard for me to dream I want to close my eyes And simply drift away Somewhere, Girl somewhere Could you be laying awake Thinking of the times we shared And wishing you had stayed _________________________________ Some say , Now some say I just need to let you go And maybe I will one day It just won't be tonight , Should I , Aahh should I Take a chance And reach out to you Would you close your eyes ? And drift away by my side [I like the rhyme here that does double-duty by connecting up with "tonight" but also "eyes"]
  12. Neil, I like the edits and Tom's chorus idea. That verse structure was good to start with and I'm liking it more and more! Would love to hear it put to music, but no pressure! ~T
  13. Neil, Nice write. The structure of your verses was interesting and changed things up a bit. The "As it is" lines were catchy but also very tongue twisty the first couple of times I read through them. It got easier when I played around with the phrasing and put a pause before going onto the "it isn't/wasn't" parts of the lines. That made me wonder about consistent singability. I could see myself singing those lines flawlessly half the time and screwing them up the other half! Maybe you've already worked that out with phrasing/timing, but it did make me wonder. The other thing that struck me related to the "As it is" lines is that they are unusual enough and are repeated frequently enough to compete with the hook/title. In my head "When it comes to you" kind of took a back seat. My favorite line. In this line I thought the second half didn't follow from the first half. The first half seems to be saying that the singer responds too impulsively and the second half the singer is disconnected. So one idea is about approach and the other is about avoidance. You might consider revising the second half of that line to give some idea of what is driving the impulsivity, for example I don't think it through - just craving your touch As always, keep or sweep. Good luck with it. ~T
  14. Thanks, Tom. I've thought about the 3rd verse option and it occurred to me that the vague sense of "unfinished business" I get with this one is more about the emotional hangover that the lyrics leave---the emotion lingers, as it should, but that doesn't mean that anything more needs to be said. These lyrics went through a few iterations, but strangely no melody came to me as I was putting this one together, just the emotion behind it. I'm going to have to be patient and wait for the music to come on its own. ~T
  15. Interesting to hear the voice that will be singing these lyrics. Gorgeous vocal. The tracks from soundcloud had a very contemplative style which really fits these lyrics. On first read I thought these lyric were maybe too spare, but the right voice can spin a brief set of lyrics into something much more. I'm not sure what the song is about, but from verse to verse I don't get a strong sense of increasing emotional intensity. Of course music can help with that but with briefer lyrics the words do have to carry a lot of weight, in my opinion. I was curious about patterns in first lines of your verses. In V1 and V2 you repeated the "Are we" but not in V3. In V2 and V3 you repeated the ". . .now, hoping..." segment but not in V1. In polishing this you might tweak the first lines to use repetition consistently if your intent is to have those lines echo each other somewhat. Thanks for sharing. ~T
  16. In V2 I was mainly speaking to the structure, not the content. It makes sense to keep the message but you'll have to give some thought to getting them closer in meter. Maybe tweak both by adding to V1 and paring down V2 to get them closer together. Also give some thought to how you achieve a similar meter. I noticed that in V1 you break up an idea across 2 lines but not in V2. So V2 ends up somewhat closer in meter but still structurally different in terms of the phrasing. So there's 2 levels of structure to consider, the meter and the phrasing. ~T
  17. Hi, John. Good suggestions. They do help smooth out V2. I have a "now" problem that I am ready to admit. I use that word a lot at the beginning of lines as a way to transition and move the story along in my lyrics. But sometimes it just adds clutter and steps on the main idea. Same with "there's". Thanks for reading. ~T
  18. Hi, John. I read this a couple of days ago and had to think on it a bit. I had 3 reactions. First, I could see this being a crowd pleaser for audiences who like to idealize country music. Meeting St. Peter at the pearly gates is a popular country theme. And pitting country music against other genres can be entertaining too (more about that below). My 2nd reaction was that the references to hip-hop and rap had an edge to them and came across as kind of dismissive. Again, there's an audience for that and you get to pitch it how you want, but I'm a lover of all genres and that's how it struck me. Others may have a different take. You just seemed to be invoking the 'bros and dissing them at the same time! My 3rd reaction was about your refrain. Since when has country music been based on living a long life? Some of the best country music is about living hard, making bad choices, and dying young. And whiskey is usually involved Still a fun refrain, though. Very impressive word play overall. ~T
  19. Lots of good stuff going on here! As Ken noted--great hook. I also like the less typical structure of the verses, including the longer pre-chorus. If I'm reading this correctly, then the beginning of the 2nd verse (above) is quite a bit different from the very pared down beginning of V1. Maybe the music would take care of what looks like very different meters, but I was struck by the minimalist lyrics at the start, which I like, but then it seemed to be a one-off, and did not repeat. This section (bridge?) didn't seem to fit or build on what the rest of the song was saying. "Loving to hurt" and "loving too much" just seem like different ideas to me. I wasn't sure if you were working on a play on words here that would tie back to the final chorus or had something else in mind. The rest of the lyrics really capture the mind games of this relationship and this section doesn't have the same punch, but just my opinion. I agree that a country vibe with less polished vocals would really sell the pain behind the lyrics. Good luck with it. ~T
  20. Thanks for reading. This one sat a while until I could really catch up to where it was leading me emotionally. Good to hear that it is capturing the emotional tone I was trying to create. ~T
  21. Muchas gracias!
  22. Peggy, Thanks for the encouragement. I'll check out the inconsistency in meter across V1 and V2 in line 3. I sometimes have a blindspot for matching the meter of internal lines across verses ~T
  23. Hi, John. Yes, V3 is still in my head! Playing with some possibilities. I'll add your idea to the mix and mull it over. Thanks for reading. ~T
  24. Hi, Dan. You've got the seed of a good idea here with the hook Second Hand Truth. My impression of V1 is that the lines feel vague especially Line 1 which should ideally grab the listener. The 2 lines before the chorus don't seem to fit the story yet. The chorus is the strongest bit in terms of supporting the hook. I strongly encourage you to critique others' lyrics as substantively as you can. You may find that you learn more from critiquing than from getting feedback. Being able to articulate what you like and what you think needs work will translate into your own writing. Welcome to the site. ~T
  25. Hi, John. Enjoyed the sample of your collection posted here. I could not help but notice your affinity for titles from some of the greatest country songs of all time--Crazy and Always on My Mind. Or maybe it's a Willie Nelson thing, since he wrote both? Thanks for sharing ~T