TheRunaway

Haven't posted on this forum in a minute, these are just some bars that I recently wrote. Would really appreciate some critique. Enough of the small talk, homie I need to grow/ Young Pablo stunted by the shows/ of fake personality/ Fake f*cks with fake motives surrounding me/ I just want notoriety without everybody hounding me/ for solutions that I don't have and can't afford/ 40 a week for 13, my time is simply worth more/ I'm just trying to soar/ to have whiskey to pour/ and life with rapport/ So my girl can lay close and concur/ that my problems aren't more important than her/ So my father can finally say you're welcome/ because my life had a good outcome/ without retribution because I don't want none/ I don't want constant stress and pain in my liver/ with nothing to live for and branches splintered/ Surrounded by fallen leaves that I cover up in the winter/ To not even consider/ that maybe I'm just a sinner/ young in age that's got a life ahead of high f*cks and low blows/ Mary Janes and Jon Doe's/ But until god decides to show I'm outta time for my shadow/ So enough of the small talk, homie I need to grow/

Thanks homie

Yeah that's what I was thinking too man. I think I just have to sit down and rewrite this one to get a better end verse

So I wrote this freestyle last night when I was drunk. I was pretty surprised by the quality considering the state of mind I was in and I'm just looking for some critique on it I'm drinking from my fears so somebody hand me the chase/ I think it started when she said "f*ck the leather" and started to wear lace/ Cuz I'm a rock in a hard place and I just wanna f*ck her face/ Maybe f*ck her mind if I can find the time/ She says she wants hers but I'm always gettin' mine/ I'm sneakin' outside after she cries/ Doin' line after line/ She wants a monster to her Frankenstein/ She a Jekyll but I runaway to hide/ Girl take it from a criminal loving me is a crime/ I got evil intentions intended for a girl to be mended/ She's more of an angel descended/ and I'm a runaway pretending/ to be a sour scent represented/ full while I'm hollow/ Shes a sweet taste, I'm just bitter to swallow/ Yeah I just want her to stay, I'm not something to follow/ She landed from a different planet and I'm still drifting away on Apollo/ driving on auto burning my hands on the rings of Saturn/ Mascaras running down her face cuz she's tired of my patterns/ I wipe it away just to act like she still matters/ Cuz she love me with her soul and mines already shattered/ She deserves to be flattered but I'm leaving the morning after/ She takes the pill while she's mourning after/ Kissing my lips to see if I still exist/ She fell in love but I tripped/ A rebel ripped to let go asking why she gripped/ I don't wanna break her heart so I cover it slowly saying sorry that I slipped/ Baby I'm the devil gone with his temper drawn/ trying to find sanity to put it on/ You're wrapping your arms around a cherry bomb/ ready to explode for the flow/ and the dough/ I really love her but I don't know if she knows/ If she leaves I don't know if Imma hold/ Girl I'm about to blow/ Don't go/

You did a good job keeping consistent theme in this and staying on track. Though it feels like it could be longer you did a good job with your flow and delivery

I like how you dissed Em's last Cd then delivered a freestyle like him. Good job homie