Max spb

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Everything posted by Max spb

  1. Patty, I just wanted to make sure that the 3rd line is correct now. But if you say it is OK. I am fine with it too. ) Thanks again for helping me fixing the wrong grammar and for wishing me good luck!!! I am not a big expert obviously but if I can be helpful in a way in reading any of your lyrics let me know I'll do my best and provide my honest ESL person opinion! )
  2. Hello colleagues! You helped me before to pinpoint problems in my previous versions of the lyrics. After 6 revisions I think it is pretty close to the finish. I wanted to do a very last check before recording it. Please let me know what you think of it. Any help or comments or suggestions will be much appreciated! ---------------------------------------------------------------- *** Inside Your Game *** 1st Verse: Call me, just call me, tell me what you're up to I'm so tired, tired of doing time, with no sign to hear you 2nd Verse: Play me, you can play me, re-frame me inside your game Stay with me, stay and lie to me, I'll never be the same 1st Chorus: I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yeah we're starting to play And though there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay Want them to break free and get out, I don't care while you're still around 3rd Verse: Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge: Out of my mind! Truth or lie? I have no clue. Are you on my side or am I left behind? It's so uncertain. I can't get close to you 2nd Chorus: I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yeah we're starting to play I know there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay Hoping to get to the firm ground. Lost or found? Ending: Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game? Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come The day when I hear steps behind my door
  3. Patty thank you very much for your help. You did approve the 3rd line correction so I can now record it, OK?
  4. Hello Patty, I created the following that I could sing with my melody: Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game? Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons are changing and I know it I know that a day will come, the day when I hear footsteps at my door Also, I just realized why I used "Or should it turn around" in the 2nd line. I have three "wills" in 2 sentences! Do you think I can use "shall" instead of should? I know shall is more of a British English. May be I can use some other word there? What do you think?
  5. Patty, Thanks a lot for the kind words. Unfortunately it is very hard to write properly as I started learning English when I was way too old for knowing the usage of the things like articles, prepositions or tenses by heart. I can sit in front of a sentence and try to figure out for very long time on what article to use and if I should use it at all. Then I ask someone who grew up in an English spoken country and they do not hesitate a second to come up with a proper word. :))) The correction on the 2nd line works just fine. As of the 3rd line - "seasons are forever changing" is (as I understand) the proper way to say what I wanted to say. I will need to think now on how to redo the ending block properly. Thank you again for your help! You are great! )))
  6. Hello Patty, I wanted to thank you one more time for your review - you were more than helpful!!! I fixed the parts that you kindly detected as bad ones. English is my 2nd language that is why some thing that I translate from my native language to English do not make any sense to you. This is a story about someone that agrees to be a part of a girl's gaming just for a chance to be with her. It's a very common Neurotic Romantic Attraction. As I know many many people experience that kind of relationship... I fixed the parts that you pinpointed except for those that I strongly want to keep. "Wronger" - I know it is a made word but I really love it. I want to keep it! "Doing time" - John Lennon and some other songwriters I admire use that construction as "waiting for something" as if they were in jail. I intentionally used it, but replaced it with watching time - please see if that works better. Please let me know what you think of this edit: ======================================= *** Inside Your Game *** Call me, just call me, tell me what you're up to I'm so tired, tired of watching time, with no sign from you Play me, you can play me, reframe me inside your game Lie to me, lie but stay with me, I'll never complain I try again... to get to you when you starting to play, you're starting to play And though there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay Want them to break free and get out, I don't care while you're still around Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Out of my mind! Truth or lie? I have no clue. Are you on my side or am I left behind? It's so uncertain. I can't get close to you I try again... to get to you when you starting to play, you're starting to play I know there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay Hoping to get to the firm ground. Lost or found? Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game? Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come The day when I hear footsteps at my door
  7. To Patty Lakamp and Mike Robinson Thank you both for giving me your honest feedback. Patty you were more detailed and explanatory and Mike was just straightforward in telling me this is not good. I really appreciate your critique! Will work on it.
  8. Amazing!
  9. Liked it a lot! One thing that I would change for myself (as it always happen to me when I hear it) is the "bitch" word. I would replace it with a more distant analog word. I do not have any good substitute. The first thing that comes to my mind is 'beast' but I am not sure if it fits in meaning wise. Other than that it is great for me!
  10. Great work and I liked the story (Dylan like story ) and would not change anything. The only part that I wanted to alter was: "I was home with our newborn; so I didn’t read the signs" I am not sure if music allows it but I would remove "so" holding words till "I didn't" kicks in. Something like : "I was home with our newborn, ..... I didn’t read the signs" If you really need to squeeze in something instead of "so" use "and": "I was home with our newborn, and I didn’t read the signs"
  11. Hello my name is Max. I play guitar, bass (very little piano, drums, harmonica). I am self taught. I write songs mostly in my native Russian language but would like to do it in English. Since English is my 2nd language I hope to find help on my English lyrics here hopefully from native English speaking people or anyone who has a good feel on it. I will try to do my best and provide a feedback on other people work. I play sometimes with my band. We do some cover songs as well as some of mine. Here is the link to our channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE3ZQxoXH0hgBbwhzy6sboA I also released an album a few months ago. It is mostly in Russian with just one song in English. Here is the link to the album on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/maks-tecosvili/id1076199570 Here is the link to my fav song on the album on youtube:
  12. TY John!