Max spb

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Everything posted by Max spb

  1. Hello guys! This is my 4th attempt to write the lyrics for my new song. I took all suggestions that you gave me and re-did it. Could you please check if that is fine now? I left in parenthesis what I want to omit - will it be OK? Can I use - "the game that claims myself to you" for the meaning "the game which makes me devoted to you"? (I need the verb "claim" for rhyming reasons) ============================================================================== *** Inside Your Game *** Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (it) Won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yes we're starting to play Though there's noone yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yes we're starting to play I know there's no one yet to win in this game, (I) don't care - I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, I am willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - It's unknown Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come The day when I hear your steps behind my door
  2. Yes, I marked it in green on the top of it. )) 1. I left in parenthesis what I want to omit - will it be OK if I do not sing those words in the parenthesis? 2. Can I use - "the game that claims myself to you" for the meaning "the game which makes me devoted to you"? (I need the verb "claim" for rhyming reasons)
  3. Got it. Thanks a lot! Other than that... is it fine?
  4. Hello! And thanks a lot for this such detailed review of yours. I got so much critiques on my first set of lyrics that I re-written most of it. I created a new set of story. If you could also check on my latest edits that would be great. I created a few questions like: 1. If I I missed any articles or used wrong prepositions? 2. I placed some words that I want to omit in parenthesis is it OK to have the lyrics without them? 3. There is one place where I provided 2 substitutes that I wanted to rhyme with word game. I am not sure if I can use word claim or aim in there. I do not want to use verb - 'devote' (I'm blown away with the game that devotes myself to you) because I need a rhyming word with 'game'. ====== Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (It) won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we starting to play yes we starting to play I've heard there's no one yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you //// (or - claims me all for you) (or - aims myself to you) not sure if that is grammatically correct Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). (Same as 1st) Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Am I vanished in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another I'm sure that the day will come The day when I hear your steps behind the door ===================================== Also, I got 2 titles which one is better, or maybe there is something you would suggest? 1. Inside Your Game 2. I Try Again To Get To You
  5. Hello Everyone! Could you please check up my final lyrics edit. I squeezed some words in to make the message I want to deliver more clear. Please let me know if there is still something that is unclear or/and can be altered to make it more clear or poetic. Thank you. ============================= *** All Night *** Verse 1. Rolling, I'm rolling, flowing through the night And falling deep I'm falling, blowing my mind Playing, for long I am playing, raying the bright And saying words I'm saying conveying them right Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again to get to you when I'm flying away yes I am flying away And if no one in the world finds the way who's going to save the day I try again and again to see the light of the day and I'm flying away When the night meets the day and when I see that it glows I know I'm there Verse 2. Straying, I'm straying, swaying from side to side And staying, I'm staying delaying the flight Bridge. What keeps away the bad things casting shade on anyone? Who can explain why some things make up your day And then tomorrow you still got something you want? Ending. When night comes in to stay, you think it'll never fade And nothing saves you more but I can see the light fall on your door Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure a day will come I know that a shiny tender day will come
  6. Hello again guys! I re-wrote most of it. Could you please check: 1. If I I missed any articles or used wrong prepositions? 2. I placed some words that I want to omit in parenthesis is it OK to have the lyrics without them? 3. There is one place where I provided 2 substitutes that I wanted to rhyme with word game. I am not sure if I can use word claim or aim in there. I do not want to use verb - 'devote' (I'm blown away with the game that devotes myself to you) because I need a rhyming word with 'game'. Any corrections or suggestions will be very helpful! ======================================================================================================================================= Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (It) won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we starting to play yes we starting to play I've heard there's no one yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you //// (or - claims me all for you) (or - aims myself to you) not sure if that is grammatically correct Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). (Same as 1st) Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Am I vanished in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another I'm sure that the day will come The day when I hear your steps behind the door ===================================== Also, I got 2 titles which one is better, or maybe there is something you would suggest? 1. Inside Your Game 2. I Try Again To Get To You
  7. Hello again guys! I re-wrote most of it. Could you please check: 1. If I I missed any articles or used wrong prepositions? 2. I placed some words that I want to omit in parenthesis is it OK to have the lyrics without them? 3. There is one place where I provided 2 substitutes that I wanted to rhyme with word game. I am not sure if I can use word claim or aim in there. I do not want to use verb - 'devote' (I'm blown away with the game that devotes myself to you) because I need a rhyming word with 'game'. Any corrections or suggestions will be very helpful! ======================================================================================================================================= Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (It) won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we starting to play yes we starting to play I've heard there's no one yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you //// (or - claims me all for you) (or - aims myself to you) not sure if that is grammatically correct Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). (Same as 1st) Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Am I vanished in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another I'm sure that the day will come The day when I hear your steps behind the door ===================================== Also, I got 2 titles which one is better, or maybe there is something you would suggest? 1. Inside Your Game 2. I Try Again To Get To You
  8. Hello again guys! I re-wrote most of it. Could you please check: 1. If I I missed any articles or used wrong prepositions? 2. I placed some words that I want to omit in parenthesis is it OK to have the lyrics without them? 3. There is one place where I provided 2 substitutes that I wanted to rhyme with word game. I am not sure if I can use word claim or aim in there. I do not want to use verb - 'devote' (I'm blown away with the game that devotes myself to you) because I need a rhyming word with 'game'. Any corrections or suggestions will be very helpful! ======================================================================================================================================= Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (It) won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we starting to play yes we starting to play I've heard there's no one yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you //// (or - claims me all for you) (or - aims myself to you) not sure if that is grammatically correct Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). (Same as 1st) Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Am I vanished in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another I'm sure that the day will come The day when I hear your steps behind the door ===================================== Also, I got 2 titles which one is better, or maybe there is something you would suggest? 1. Inside Your Game 2. I Try Again To Get To You
  9. Hello again guys! I re-wrote most of it. Could you please check: 1. If I I missed any articles or used wrong prepositions? 2. I placed some words that I want to omit in parenthesis is it OK to have the lyrics without them? 3. There is one place where I provided 2 substitutes that I wanted to rhyme with word game. I am not sure if I can use word claim or aim in there. I do not want to use verb - 'devote' (I'm blown away with the game that devotes myself to you) because I need a rhyming word with 'game'. Any corrections or suggestions will be very helpful! ======================================================================================================================================= Verse 1. Call me, just call me, throw at me what you're up to (It) won't hurt me, (it) won't disturb me, (there'll be) no wondering - lie or true Play me, you can play with me, re-frame me inside your game Will get here, down on my knee, and never be the same Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). I try again... to get to you when we starting to play yes we starting to play I've heard there's no one yet to win in this game I know I will play the same I try again... to see the light of the day but I'm willing to stay, and, I'm willing to play And though I will likely to be thrown - I don't know when or where Verse 2. Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due Bridge. I'm blown away with the game that claims myself to you //// (or - claims me all for you) (or - aims myself to you) not sure if that is grammatically correct Who can explain why I'm lost on this way and if I ever, ever will get close to you Refrain (2 vocals sing simultaneously). (Same as 1st) Ending. Are lonely nights here to stay? Am I vanished in this game? Or should it get around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another I'm sure that the day will come The day when I hear your steps behind the door ===================================== Also, I got 2 titles which one is better, or maybe there is something you would suggest? 1. Inside Your Game 2. I Try Again To Get To You
  10. In fact I appreciate it a lot. It is my 3rd attempt here on this site to check on that lyrics. I was fixing it a lot based on the peoples suggestions and thought - when I posted it here in this topic - that it was my very very last edit, when you put me down to earth that in fact even as it was very understandable for me it is absolutely not clear for anyone. I do not want to run after each listener and explain what I meant by each line - that is why your honest opinion is/was very helping. I hope once I re-write it I will get better results. In the worst case I can record it like SF and tell everyone that - "they are not on my tree" :)))
  11. Sorry that I offended you. I did not mean to troll you. Just got it wrong because English is my 2nd language. If you meant just this particular song that is a very fair statement and it was what I meant when I firstly asked if you got the right meaning from SF. That was my point that even John would write something that is not understandable even for the native speakers. I am in fact re-writing my whole lyrics because I am not able to save it by applying what other people offered to fix it with.
  12. I strongly disagree about what you say on Lennon's lyrics especially talking about his solo albums. There is simple clarity and poetic beauty in his solo album lyrics on all aspects of his personal feelings and thinking. The Beatles days lyrics (especially after 1965) is also great and often personal. Sometimes in songs - like The Ballad of John and Yoko he gives you not only his personal view on things but also a newspaper like step by step picture of the events in his life. Yes, he was very outspoken in his life interviews but listening to his solo albums someone who does not know him completely would get a good picture of what kind of man he is/was.
  13. Hey. I read it long time ago from a book I took in a library. I think it was the last Lennon's interview to Playboy Magazine - I may be mistaken. Anyway. I searched it and here is what I found that sounds like what I read. http://www.beatlesinterviews.org/dbjypb.int3.html Just scroll down to the question: PLAYBOY: "How about 'Strawberry Fields Forever'?" :))
  14. Hey, I really like the way you put it. I actually had a similar feeling before I read how Lennon explains every line. )
  15. Got it! Thanks a lot! Just wanted to ask in this sense - does Lennon's Strawberry Fields lyrics is something you would understand unless he would explain every line? I do not compare myself to John, but just curious if Strawberry Fields makes sense to you as a native speaker?
  16. Thank you, Juin. Let me explain and see if you could suggest something instead to make it more clear 1. He flies away from the night to see the day and when he sees something is glowing he knows he got to the right place. 2. He is playing the music and "raying" (projecting rays of bright things like The Sun does) ray is used like a verb here
  17. I was not able to understand if the lyrics critique section was closed and archived. If it is not the case which is the right section for the lyrics review now? also, the same question if you could help me - Can word - "rolling" mean driving on a highway???