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Philjo

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Philjo last won the day on June 18

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About Philjo

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    Hidden Talent

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    Male
  • Location
    Wales (UK)

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    Lyricist

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  1. Everyday Moments

    I thought about changing the last line of the first verse and then something new for the second verse: I lost my mother years ago But she was here today Standing right beside me Like she'd never gone away We shared the latest gossip As we did the household chores Those ordinary moments Only make me miss her more And I preferred the original chorus! Then you could go into some specific everyday moments now that household chores has been mentioned. Feel free to ignore of course. Phil.
  2. Parallel Lies

    Hi Peggy, I see what you mean about I/we thing. I suppose it could work either way. I thought an outside observer might work better so as they aren't acting like a sort of echo chamber to each other. Hi Patty, As said above it could work both ways. They do say that you should be able to switch between perspectives when you write something. So that if you've written it one way it should be convertible to another perspective. In that line 'out of your minds, living parallel lies' it was meant as 'out of your minds (pause) living parallel lies' to allow a sort of 'run up' into the second half which i thought would be difficult to sing as one complete line.... Hi Gary, And following on from that you have offered the better solution allowing for the music. Which i as a non musician wouldn't have thought of. As for 'star crossed lovers' in the bridge you are right. That is a tired line and maybe i should have a mention of them somehow 'converging' instead of talking about them being apart throughout. Give them some hope! I will think about that on the weekend. Hi Mike, With 'couplets', 'structure' and 'rhyme' you have summed up my whole approach to lyric writing. As a non musician i concentrate on - trying - to get those elements right - with maybe something interesting to say. I have been debunked! I would do those things you've suggested if i had the ability but tend to stick within my comfort zone. I meant parallel lies as meaning both of them living in sham marriages in close proximity to each other but being unable to 'entwine' as is the case with parallel lines - again not Blondie! I shall certainly take your good advice onboard though. Thanks all, Phil.
  3. The Storm

    This is an enjoyable read. Last thing you want is your records busted up! Maybe in the future lovers will be deleting MP3s in a fit of rage. How about: Then came the storm and ripped off the roof Blew out delusions and let in the truth Nice one, Phil.
  4. I Still Think of Her

    This all reads nicely to me and has a sort of old fahioned innocence to it. I liked 'a faded old rowboat was our limousine'. On listening i found it has a breezy summery feel which is always good. The only thing i would pick up on is the image you've used to accompany the song doesn't match the contents of the lyrics as i was expecting them to be older - 'i explored all i could of her lovely terrain'. Or is that being picky! Good 'un, Phil.
  5. Parallel Lies

    I did think about the perspective and went with an outside view rather than 'we' and 'i' as I thought that meant they'd be saying this to each other when they already know the situation or to someone else when it's a secret relationship. And I did fiddle with the chorus. Maybe it needs a further fiddle! Thanks for reading. Phil.
  6. Parallel Lies

    No it's not Blondie! (older readers only!) Parallel Lies: She suffers her husband You tolerate your wife Smuggle smiles to each other When the time isn't right You should be together But fate's wall is tall You share your frustrations In hushed late-night calls (Ch) You're lost in bittersweet deceit Dreaming dreams you can't complete Side by side while longing to entwine Out of your minds, living parallel lies Must think of the children So stick to your parts Act like you're not hurting When the pain's off the charts Coming clean seems so easy No more need for pretence This is driving you crazy Sometimes love makes no sense (Ch) You're lost in bittersweet deceit Dreaming dreams you can't complete Side by side while longing to entwine Out of your minds, living parallel lies (Br) You're star-crossed lovers Reaching over the divide Wishing this had happened In another place and time (Ch) You're lost in bittersweet deceit Dreaming dreams you can't complete Side by side while longing to entwine Out of your minds, living parallel lies © P. Jones
  7. these are our memories

    Nice romantic stuff here. Good times = good memories! I was thinking 'turn all these dreams' could be 'turn our/crazy schemes' or similar. Or similar to drop one of the 'dreams'. Or not if you prefer ☺ Phil.
  8. Rose Tinted Glasses

    This is a good write/read. All flows nicely and sticks to the theme. I liked the cough syrup line! 'It's far from grasp as you reach high' didn't sound quite right. Well the first half anyway. Maybe something like 'It's out of reach as you aim high' or something might be better. Phil.
  9. Vice

    Hi, I think this is well written. I would maybe change 'money to share' to spare. Dealers dont share their money! And maybe: She loves her body Its a show stopper Why not use what God gave To make a few coppers She never sits alone Always in demand If she ever needs a drink Some guy is close at hand Or something similar! Feel free to ignore. Phil.
  10. Highs and Lows

    I liked that. At first i thought it was going to have a gentler sound when i heard the piano at the start. I see what you mean about the last two lines of the chorus. They have that effect on them. I wasn't sure about the third line in the bridge and the word 'successful' in particular. Don't know if it sounds right or not. Thought maybe 'where people are happy and prosperous all the time'. Don't know if that's more singable. Phil.
  11. Wrong People

    I liked the sparse sound to this and the pretty pictures and big white teeth lines. I think its true that if a message is too general it becomes diluted and loses some impact. Phil.
  12. still have some fight left

    This is a good story. I think a couple of lines need ironing out as suggested above and the tenses in some parts. Thought the second line of the chorus could be 'you have to fight, you can't leave it to luck' to rhyme with the first line and show that poverty is an ongoing thing. And maybe 'all i could do WAS run' and 'i had what it TOOK'. Keep or sweep. Nice one, Phil.
  13. Dancing After The Music Stops  

    I get it now! Thanks to Gary :-)
  14. Highs and Lows

    This reads well to me. The Facebook observation rang true. Unless other people really have got interesting lives and i should think about getting one! I wondered if you could cut one of the opening 'highs and lows' in the chorus and change the last but one chorus line to 'ebbs and flows' or something for a bit of variety. Maybe that's just my take on it. Phil.
  15. Big Old Cowboy Boot

    Hi Arty, Peggy, John and Gary, Thanks for reading. Arty - i've had demos done with this many words and they usually weigh in around 3 1/2 minutes. Can always take some out if its too long. Peggy - not many cowboy boots over here - but plenty of pizza! John - grazie. I had to Google that for correct spelling! Gary - you are right there but maybe that would require advanced knowledge. And some people don't even know that Italy is shaped like a boot! Cheers all, Phil.
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