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Everything posted by zyzzyva

  1. Grand Oak Tree

    Hi, I think (on) means you're there but not submerged in something. Whereas (in) means you are submerged. It's kind of like being on the water or in the water. I guess it depends on how strong and what kind of a statement you are trying to make in you lyric. That's what it means to me. David
  2. I'll Be There

    Hello Jenn, I'm David. I wanted to say I really like what you have written. I can hear it when I read it. It's reflective and a little dark but still offers hope. I really like verse 2 and the bridge. The whole peace is deep and metaphoric. Why not call it, "If I had the chance".
  3. I sent you a note idiot

  4. Pipe dreams - first song ever

    Well idiot, anything offered is going to subjective. You should know a lot about dogs since you are one with your supercilious superfluous ego. And there's nothing to consider about you. Figures you have to use expletives. Keep swimming in the shallow end; that's where you belong. It's a real disappointment that your name is David.
  5. Pipe dreams - first song ever

    Hello, I'll try to comment constructively on what you have written. First it reads more like a life's story or a cry for help. For some suggestions I would say don't write every word you are thinking. Maybe don't write so angry. Expletives are usually not the best choice of words, and they will turn some people off and won't take you seriously. What you have written is badly in need of structure. There is no structure; It's hard to read. It's hard to find continuity. One example, here's what you wrote: I'm lost, searching for a purpose Looking at my reflection in a puddle but I recognize nothing on the surface Something with more structure might be: I'm lost can only scratch the surface My reflection seems to have no purpose You don't have to write it like I did, but it gives you an idea of how not to write every word you are thinking. The best way to improve your writing is: TO WRITE David
  6. Life is a Song

    Hello, I'm no expert at anything. I just like to write. It's hard to critique others work because it's personal and the critique comes from a subjective viewpoint, but I will tell you how I would write these 2 lines differently. You wrote: your love strikes a chord deep makes me feel whole life is a song rock and roll soul I would write: Your love strikes a chord making me whole Life is a song that rocks my soul Then you eliminate the necessary pause between DEEP and MAKE because the way you wrote that line, it demands a pause which to me throws the meter off. David
  7. Life is a Song

    Hello, I'm David I kind of like it. I think it's pretty good. I'm not exactly sure where the chorus is. It would help it you would label things. Also, a little punctuation would help too. This line, " baby when you're near music starts flying", is a little confusing. I think a comma between near and music would keep it from running together. Some lines could be a little tighter, but do kind of like it. David

    Hello, I guess you want feedback? It looks like others have given some in the past. I like the subject matter, and I think it stays the course. I will just make a suggestion for verse 2. The first 2 lines are a little wordy compared to the other measures in that verse. It's also confusing to open the verse by saying, " And when that setting sun". And implies an addition to something else, but this is to start the verse. Do you see what I mean? You write: And when that setting sun strikes the locket on your chest, if I could have my way I'd have time stop pause at my request... It's a little confusing and wordy, especially (time stop pause). Maybe you could write something like: When the setting sun strikes the locket you wear, I'd pause time with no moment to spare. Just a suggestion, David
  9. escape

    Hello, thank you for welcoming me. I understand you point of view from the song. That's all I guess I was asking. Thank you for being kind. Being new here it's a little hard to know what to say or quite how to say it. So thank you. David
  10. escape

    Hello, I like what you wrote. I think it's good. I will just say since you want to be critiqued that maybe you could take it in a different direction at the end of the song. You say kiss my rear which is fine, but it sounds like you're still bitter even though you have now hit the big time. It creates a bit of a paradox between what you write and what you feel. Please, it's not wrong what you wrote; nothing is wrong, but It makes it sound like hitting the big time is still being overshadowed by what people thought of you then instead of who you are now. David
  11. What I write

    Hello everyone, I'm David I write what I feel; I feel what I write. I write lyrics to tell a story. I try to be: clever, creative, interesting, original, real, and sometimes funny. What I write needs to have meaning for me to have a chance at conveying my thoughts expressively. I am also, sometimes, verbose and have a darker or dystopian view in my writings. I would like to share some with you, and if you don't like them today, maybe you'll like them tomorrow.
  12. She Took My Moment (with edits)

    Hello Lisa, I'm David. I just want to ask, why do you want to write: to express feelings, thoughts, ideas, experiences? What are your reasons? Everything comes from inside, from you. It seems very complicated looking at some of these replies. It shouldn't be. I can read 10 books by Shakespeare, but I will never be able to write like him. You have to feel it when you write. No one can teach you that. This is meant to be helpful and NOT condescending. Please take it as helpful. I wish you well, David
  13. Glue

    Hello, I'm David; I'm new here, but saw your post, and I wanted to comment on it. I tend to write things that are darker as you just wrote, so it piqued my curiosity. It's hard to critique other's work as there are many variables to consider, but I will try. First let me say that I like what you have written, but maybe it could flow better. I believe as much as songs need to rhyme, they also need to flow. I like verse 1, but maybe change line 2 from: It's daddy saying come on girl, you gotta hurry. TO: It's daddy saying, girl you gotta hurry. It fits better with the other measures. Verse 2, line 3 you wrote: that she could talk to Maybe complete it better by writing: that she could talk and relate to. Line 5 maybe use the singular verb doesn't in stead of don't since your subject is singular and doesn't fits better in the measure anyway. The chorus, it's more of a flow problem. It's great until the 6th line you wrote: It's not a job any child should have to do. That's a little cumbersome. Why not say: It's not a job a child should do. The last 2 lines of the chorus is hard for me to respond to because I'm not sure of the tempo . This is a lot longer than I had planned. I apologize if I offended you in any way.