waywardyouth

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waywardyouth last won the day on November 28 2016

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About waywardyouth

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  • Birthday November 5

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    United States of America

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  1. Hi, everyone. I posted my original lyrics before: And below are the slightly revised lyrics: They say that when you can't sleep at night it's because you're on someone else's mind. This was the one myth I wanted to believe when awake at night and far from sleep. This is my last dream of you. I'm tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. I people watched with my eyes closed. If you felt my stare, I didn't mean to encroach upon your figment-ary figure stating there alone. I just wanted some way to bring you home. This is my last dream of you. I'm tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. I know the things I tell myself are almost never true, but This is my last dream of you. I'm tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. I just wanted to get new eyes on this rewrite. Better? Worse? Any suggestions for improvement
  2. Hi neptune. The first thing I’d like to say is that the title of this song pulled me to critique it. You found something general enough so that it could mean so many different things. From the jump, this is giving “Take It On The Run” vibes. I think the success of this song is due to its unconventional perspective. There are rumors of the speaker’s lover cheating and rather than confront the speaker, the girl decides to run off. The speaker comes to the conclusion that he’s better off. For this song, I actually think it would be best to have the speaker be the one to see her boyfriend with another girl and have them both confront each other. It might make things more interesting to have this be a duet. Then the first verse could start off making reference to the both of them coming together after the break, both knowing that they won’t get back together. Verse 1 and Verse 3 have the most evocative imagery because they are so specific. I think this song could benefit from more of this because too much of it is too general. I don’t think the bridge is necessary. It’s not transformative enough yet to have a deserving place in this song, so I would cut it. The final note I have is that I would tighten up the chorus. I have a suggestion below: You told me you wanted a little time apart. I trusted your mind, I trusted your heart. It’s been long enough, but you’re still not back. What had I ever done to deserve a thing like that? Thanks for posting!
  3. Hi Chicken picker, I’ll to offer as much constructive critique as I can. I’m really only a beginner myself. The first thing I noticed is your constant pronoun change, which brings down your song. The standout moments are in the last line of Verse 1 and the first few lines of Verse 2. With the last line of the first verse, I understand that you’re trying to create drama, but you lose none of the impact and gain a lot more clarity by changing the line to “That left one woman and ‘I’ was still in bed.” The second verse could be changed to “Now I am the household prima donna/ I don’t share my crown/ And since I’m prone to psychodrama…” The use of the pronouns he and him didn’t immediately stand out to me in Verses 1 and 3, but as I read on to the chorus, it would be best to change these to you/your. I notice that you did this consistently throughout the rest of the song. Moving on, another point of contention is that I cannot tell what song form you’re going for. i think it may be beneficial to cut some of these verses up and pair together only your best lines. For example, I would cut the second verse and combine Verses 1 and 3. Verse 2 offers too much information that we can already infer from the Verse 3. The speaker flying out of bed tells the reader that she’s standing up to her husband’s actions. I would also change the first line of what is currently your third verse to “I sat upright as he walked out the door”. As for the last two lines of that same verse, I would change it to “And I grabbed his jacket as he got into his car,/let him know he won’t be going too far.” I would suggest a change to the chorus as well. “I can’t be your mama when we’ve got a family./Not when being your wife is what you chose for me.” Something along those lines. Verses 4 to 7 don’t offer a lot of variety and the rhymes seem a little forced. So I would try to come up with something more specific. I have a suggestion for a verse below: It’s become such a drain being someone so needed. You’re causing me pain, but you think I’m conceited. Overall, I think you’ve got a good idea here with some nice highlights. I like the visual of a wife getting out of bed to stop her husband from running off. I think you could try to bring this out more by having the husband tell the wife “I’m running late” or something like that which would lead her to go off on another tangent or verse. There’s also a lot of humor in this, which is not really my specialty. The above suggestions don’t really do much to bring that out, but if you keep editing you could end up with something that strikes a nice balance of being funny and sad. The last thing I would suggest would be to be more specific. It will only add to the uniqueness of the song. Thanks for posting this and good luck!
  4. Hi thank you for your thoughts on this, especially your critique on the second verse. I'll work to improve that. And I'm flattered by your praise wrt the chorus-tag, as I'll refer to it now.
  5. Hey, I've been looking into this, and I think I'll try your suggestion in my next rewrite. Thanks for taking the time to comment and I'm really glad to know that you were struck by the title and think that others will be, too.
  6. It's a little hard to say when I'll be able to gain these skills but I've done a little research and once I can work out everything financially, I'll take lessons. Until then, I'll keep writing. I actually don’t have a melody in mind at all. In fact, I have very little knowledge in music theory/composition (I plan to fix that ASAP) and I don’t know how to create a melody a cappella. I just free wrote the first verse and counted the syllables to make sure that the second verse closely matched the corresponding lines. Hey, I just want to say that your thoughts have been indispensable and I will refer back to your notes once I have a chance to edit this song. I have to say thank you again.
  7. Hi, thank you for your thoughts on the second verse. This is going to sound strange, but I hadn't thought of the lyric being out of context. But really, this is such a great point.
  8. Thank you. I've got some work ahead of me.
  9. Hi! Thanks for your response. I'm operating only as a lyricist right now, though I see myself gaining these skills soon. As for the last line of verse one, I think that I am trying to say that the relationship between the speaker and the person to whom they are speaking is pretty much non existent. I can agree that wisps is an awkward word here especially since it marks the end of the verse. I like your suggestion, and I think that in the coming days I'll try to come up with something in the same vein. Thanks for your advice on the chorus. I didn't realize it was contradictory, but of course I know what I meant by including it the way I did. Looks like I'll have to brush up on the first verse. Sorry I didn't make it clear which three lines I was talking about. I meant lines 3-5 in the second verse. Your thoughts on the bridge are very reassuring.
  10. Hi everyone! This is the first song I'm posting for review here and I'm very excited. I feel like I'm almost done with this song and before I move on to something else I'd just like to get some fresh eyes on it as it is new. My Last Dream of You They say that when you can’t sleep at night it’s because you’re on someone else’s mind. But there can’t be much truth in this. Our relationship was never more than dancing sunlight wisps. This is my last dream of you. I’m tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. I haven’t seen you in many years. How is the vision of your face still so clear? We were close where we used to be. I can feel your touch at night when I sleep but you never touched me. This is my last dream of you. I’m tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. I know the things I tell myself are almost never true, but This is my last dream of you. I’m tired of all my waking nights and the burn of my closing eyes. This is my last dream of you. Here are some initial questions I have: Does the end of V1: ‘dancing sunlight wisps’ seem too flowery? Is the chorus fresh and easily understandable? Does V2 seem like a natural progression from V1? This was the most challenging part. Do lines three through five make sense? Do I need to add more to the bridge or is it complete on it’s own? Thank you so much!
  11. I have absolutely no problem with you applying my suggestions! Really, I'm just so happy that you've found something useful in my critique. And kind words come easily with such great work!
  12. Hello Rik! I’d like to start by saying that I think that this song has a lot of promise and commend your use of such a unique point of view. There are a few grammatical issues that I won’t get into as I’m sure that upon closer inspection become noticeable. And there are times where you could shape up your rhymes on a second rewrite. For now, I’ll go from top to bottom and offer my opinion on some possible changes you could make. Starting with the title, I think that it feels a little impersonal and suggest a change to the effect of “For a Little Boy or a Girl.” The last line of the intro is a good lead in to the chorus, but at the same time, it feels a little too general. I think it might help to expound upon missing this child. I say this because the act is interesting as the speaker has never met this child, but nonetheless it is an understandable emotion to feel. Might you consider something like this after the first line of the intro: ‘It may be strange to say, but it’s true’? Moving on to the chorus, I’m drawn to some key lines and offer this: ‘I see your smile when I wake/ ‘cause your smile is mine.’ ‘Even though [you’re] not here/ in dreams you own my mind.’ Lalalala The story in the first verse is lovely and helps the audience to understand the relationship that exists between the three people in the situation: the Mother, the Father, and the Child. The ending line shows that whatever feelings the father has towards the mother, he deeply cherishes what has come from that bond aka the little boy or girl. But i do take issue with how this verse is formed; it is quite structureless. Verse 2 has more of a definite structure than does the previous verse, which is good because it adhere's to popular song convention and the listener (or reader in my case) can appreciate the rhyme scheme. There are, however, some changes that I would make. ’Sometimes I wake up from dreams/ hearing your laughs and cry/ when it sinks in [that] [you’re] not really here/ I die a little inside.’ The following lines of the verse are another great lead in to the chorus. As far as the bridge is concerned, forgive me, but I’m not sure that it adds anything new to the story you are currently telling. I know that you said that this would have an acoustic vibe and this part might focus more on the instrumental. But the bridge, which tends to introduce something new lyrically doesn’t really do that for me. So ends a very detailed critique. I hope I didn’t bore (or offend) you with my suggestions. How ever you choose to edit this song I know that this has the potential to be really great!
  13. Hi! I’m mid-level writer with a strong urge (for now) to make progress in my songwriting and help others in any way that I can. I’ve had it in my head to start writing songs since I was 15 and in recent years I’ve gained a little knowledge. I hope that I may, at long last, be able to write songs that I can be proud of (an end goal I’m sure most of us have). I have a background in writing and I know just how isolating it can sometimes be. So I hope that I can offer friendship or, at the very least, a critical eye to those that need it!