Pahchisme Plaid

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Pahchisme Plaid last won the day on April 22

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About Pahchisme Plaid

  • Rank
    Experienced Member
  • Birthday March 23

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    United States of America

Music Background

  • Band / Artist Name
    None - I'm a writer
  • Musical / Songwriting / Music Biz Skills
    lyricist, melodian
  • Musical Influences
    Eva Cassidy, Kathy Troccoli, Susan Tedeschi, Simon and Garfunkle, Eagles, Sarah McLaughlin, Tricia Yearwood, Fleetwood Mac.


  • Songwriting Collaboration

Critique Preferences

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    Any and All
    Give It To Me Both Barrels

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  1. When I read "A Crack in the Sky" in A1, I considered that crack to be symbolic of an emotion or the break in a life, later, in A3 it came to me full circle that that crack in the sky was preparation for that man to enter eternity. I really liked that line and I think it would make a fascinating hook line and title. The idea of passengers feels unrelated without lengthy explanation. I would completely remove those lines and come up with a different outro. Also, "In between and Far Behind, What is real is in your mind" doesn't seem to be a great fit for the song either. I would either modify that or take it away entirely. I'll be interested to how any revision evolves. This has some potential.
  2. I think "My Head Hurts" would be a title option for this. I think your lyrics could be as easily interpreted as a hangover from alcohol, except for the line, "hungover from life" and I could actually see that whole verse making a fine chorus as that's really what your song is about and you could title it "Hungover From Life" .
  3. You've got an interesting hook line, "I'm Sure It Won't Be Love" and for that matter, I'm of the opinion you should use that full line as your title. It has more interest than just "It Won't be Love". The theme has the feel of a country song to me, though it could also be a rock song. The persona you give to her with your opening lines and "Looking into my eyes, she straddles my knee" lends to the feel that they're both looking for the same thing--like there is that possibility that she's fully aware that its not love and is okay with that. It also lends to the feel that they might already have been familiar, the way she beelines it for him. The chorus sounds like his appeal to her for a physical only, with no strings attached just to cover himself. I just get a deep male drawly country voice that comes to mind as I consider the lyrics.
  4. critique

    Hey Takoda! You definitely are a poet. You've done a fabulous job expressing what you love about this gal, what draws you to her, but it feels incomplete. There are a number of directions it could go-- You could give her a name and effect on you within as a refrain or chorus, you could make like you're an observer who is apprehensive about approaching her and bring the story out, you could go on about how you yearn to be with her, but are apart, or since you have associations with Japan, perhaps there is some sort of special word for an elegant lady in that language that you could use for a refrain. It just feels like you need something to pull it together to bring the song full circle and give it a more definite meaning.
  5. I had to read a bit about HSP. Yep. I guess it fits and explains a few things. I know its not simply a "women's" thing because I see it in my sons (and occasionally my daughter), but more in my sons--I've noticed if I am upset, they have difficulty with it, so I have to be aware and you know...breathe in if at all possible or escape to the bathroom, outside or somewhere to pull my act together, or distract myself with reading or gardening or something. My youngest is also quite light-hearted and a bit of a comedian, so sometimes, he's just what I need for a good distraction
  6. I tend to be a listener and an observer. I'm also very much affected by the mood of someone I care for or if I'm in a situation, I can sometimes in a group feel the vibe of what's going on without even a word--sometimes I just have to get out of there because it can truly affect my well-being and sometimes I could just hang out and observe indefinitely (well, not indefinitely, but longer than necessary.). I say this because when I am listening or observing someone, my mind goes in a bazillion different directions with "what if's" or pulling together shreds of input or identifying or a memory it might trigger or a hope or dream or remedy or trying to figure out where they are going with something all in just a few moments with every emotion or communication they share. I might use what I feel for them or within myself or what I see them feeling as fodder for imagery in a song, I might use a scenery as backdrop, I might use an experience of a walk or experience of the outdoors, its possible I might use the scenario, but unlikely, because to me, it seems a betrayal to someone to too nearly identify their situation after a confidence has been shared. I might pull elements of something, but my imagination would kick in and derail into an entirely different thing using just some sensory experience or something rather than the personal situation. As I said, my mind can go in a bazillion different directions with only a few sentences as stimulation (not always something useful), but one of those directions might split off into another direction that I can use for a song. Its all very elusive how topics arrive. They just do when they do or someone provides a "challenge", so I have to think of one. Do I write about personal experiences? Maybe...I'm a little to private to say, but if I did/do, those would be modified into something not quite my story, too. Personally, I think writers who write about things they feel or are able to feel in behalf of others in the midst of feeling it are authentic. I would hope it would come out in their writing. I think broody moods are easier to write about because the descriptors are easier. I think its healthy to "feel" those things and feel them deeply and express them somehow--writing them in a song can help others process through those emotions at times when they listen to something that they identify with and if they can't identify with the scenario, they usually CAN identify with the feelings. People want to know when they are feeling lost, that others have/do feel lost, when they feel confused, that others have/do feel confused, they don't want to be the odd one out and they want to feel understood. I think broody songs can keep them from feeling alone in their experiences and helps them to process out their emotions. Its not healthy to pretend they don't exist or to stuff them. I do think there has to be a hopeful note to end the song. Hope is really what people long for in those experiences. No one wants to be left feeling down. I've noticed there is often a light air to the music that accompanies sad lyrics or lighter lyrics that might accompany more melancholic music. I think the mix is good and makes it easier to listen to and prevents sadness overdose.
  7. These lines are interesting because I can't quite figure them out. Guess I'm a little odd that way as I like a little bit of riddle in a song--its what causes me to revisit the lyrics (trying to figure them out). The first verse leads me to wonder if the character is provoked by her own image in the mirror, "Far from final provocation/she finds her flaws/starring in the mirrors..." and yet the last line of that verse, " STARRING in the mirrors/framed in gold" makes me re-evaluate who "her" is. At first, I thought it to be the one looking in the mirror, but the last line, giving the character a sense of stardom (starring--mirror framed in gold), made me consider it perhaps she is watching someone else's in her mirror without their awareness and she is jealous of or angry at whomever she is watching. I'm not sure--it could be either, SO, I look to the chorus and I'm thinking the latter. The second verse, I tried to do some investigating to see if "restrings to a tighter tension" was a makeup term as I could only associate "guitar restringing" and that didn't make sense (also discovered tennis restringing), but didn't find any connection to make-up so came to the conclusion that "restrings to a tighter tension" must be the affect her emotions were having on her. "Takes her time/renders with a brush touched in black", could either mean she is trying to do her best to cover her flaws (the reflection of herself in the mirror) or she is giving herself more time to observe whomever she is watching in the mirror (jealousy/anger)-- again, could be either one. Your third verse, "Deliberate by brand of distinction/she doesn't blink/blowing all a kiss/drawn in red" going with the reflection idea, makes me think a slight possibility she is hiding her insecurities, not allowing them to derail whatever it is she is preparing for and goes forth in boldness suggested by the red of what implies lipstick. However, I am more inclined to go with a fit for idea #2, that she is the jealous woman who never lets on her intensity (she doesn't blink/blowing all a kiss/drawn in red), red also representing blood, implying that anger or jealousy. As far as I'm concerned you've got a dual imagery going on here depending on how one reads it. Some might like more of a clue to direct them to the intended story, but there is only one question I'm left with...Whoa! what did they do to "provoke" this gal?--might not have been such a good idea. She sounds like a panther waiting to strike! "Tighter tension, takes her time, expect to incite, by brand, impulse to incite" I'd say you have the alliteration covered. Your only consistency in rhyme (that I pick up on) is the first line of every verse--provocation/tension/distinction. I did notice the change in color for every last line of the verse--gold, black, red which makes for a nice touch!
  8. Thanks, Peggy! I don't know if it comes out as obvious or not, but this song was somewhat inspired by couples whose lives are touched by Alzheimers or dementia and somewhat inspired by the characters in Nicholas Sparks', The Notebook. That movie really touched me. I saw it a number of years ago and it fits a category of impact that fits along with Schindler's List and The Passion of the Christ. All movies that caused my eyes to leak.
  9. I get that, Gary. Sometimes my head hurts and my processor stops working and my pen taps out a poor attempt at morse code
  10. Hey Lisa, I think the vocals and music were so perfect for the feel of the lyrics. The tempo and timing fit nicely as well as the intonation and she has a bit of a smokey feel in her voice which lends well to the song. There is an air of foreboding, even mournful apprehension maybe The well timed echos near end are interesting, particularly at that stage of the song. The only part that might be tweeked just a little, in my opinion, is the bridge. Maybe just a slight variation in melody between "taken too young" and "left unsung". It kinda stays the same just a hare too long. Other than that. Really great composition. My listening was on an iPod without the use of earbuds--so just the iPod internal speakers. I'm sure it would sound even better on my computer speakers or with earbuds.
  11. I found myself backing up to the first verse. I wanted more detail on that journalist journeyman. I wanted his story--how it was, how it phases out and how it is now. That's a manner of reporting I wish our reporters would go back to--less opinion, more facts (confirmed facts before reporting) and chasing newsworthy news instead of the latest play by play of a well-beaten topic. I wanted more on that dying art of fact gathering and chasing the latest big lead. It could be more about how that kind of reporting isn't valued today and how the emphatic opinions and character painting has become the popular chase snuffing out the "old" way. You could use terms like round up or round file the ribbon (implying a typewriter), pack up the pen and pads, let go the leads, hang up the herringbone on the hat rack--just giving it that old fashioned feel. I think the coal mine idea could be interesting too, and I understand how you were tying them together with your refrain giving a new representation with each verse, but for me, my appetite was whet with that first verse and I was left hanging. I would rather hear the lament of the journalist of then until now commenting how he might as well let the curtain down. Just my preference. I think you could get two songs from this.
  12. This is all great information, Mahesh! Thank you for the extra insight of what goes on inside the body when singing from the diaphragm--getting that mental picture helps! I look forward to whatever video you find to share. What amount of daily time does it take to properly get your vocals conditioned over time? (whatever it is vocalists do to prepare to sing and/or strengthen what they have.) Is this conditioning something you can multi-task with or does it need to be special time set aside for it? I'm talking after watching the videos and learning the techniques. Personally, I would have to start from square 1 (using the videos as one would an exercise video until learning the form and routine), as I've not had the instruction aside from this here and a few tips on the fly from others who sing.
  13. You have an absolutely beautiful voice, Rachel! I am trying to get through a crazy busy phase in my schedule right now, but if by June you still haven't connected with someone to help you with this, message me and I might be able to help you out. Your Chinese version is gorgeous!
  14. Thank you for this insight and for the article, Rob Ash. I'm thinking that the few weeks that seemed to be of particular struggle, there were a number of songs I was learning for the first time. Perhaps my "map" wasn't shaped yet, and I DID notice, it was difficult to know when would be best to take a breath because I was not yet familiar with how the song went. I can often anticipate the direction of songs either by watching the other singers or from the accompanying music or just because it makes sense, even when I haven't heard or sung them before. Occasionally, however, there will be a song that doesn't make that kind of sense to me in the direction it takes--those ones are the ones I struggle with in knowing where I should be taking breaths. This information is helpful. I know that I often sing from the gut, but probably not all the time. I definitely need the breathing information--even for when I'm not singing. Thanks!
  15. Hey Timbre, thanks for the feedback! I didn't quite know if I liked that third line in there, I may go with your suggestion or something similar. I still need to test out some sort of melody with this. That sometimes determines for me whether or not I pull, modify or use a line or swap things around--sometimes. Lyrically, I completely agree with you. Likely I will nix that line--more likely than not. Good eye!