Patty Lakamp

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About Patty Lakamp

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    Female
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    United States of America

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  1. I like this, especially the last two lines. Something most people can relate to. This one's REALLY good! Likewise. Good writing. I don't see a need for any "dance" references in this lyric. They seem like a distraction. A little hard to believe that if she's so concerned about the relationship, she'll fix it after one more dance.
  2. Blupa, I'm intrigued by this lyric. I think it has real potential. I feel like you have an important message in there, but it's not coming through as well as it could. You asked for comments, so here are some things that flashed through my mind when reading this. A1: Good setup. We know we're at an accident scene. Maybe you could be more clear as to Point-of-View. When you say "the driver," I'm thinking that an observer is telling the story. But then "No regrets, no feelings" suggests it might be the driver telling the story. The last line, "But a crack in the sky" threw me. Since you mentioned drugs, I thought "crack" might refer to drugs. But probably not? What is a crack in the sky? Lightning? I'm confused. Is this a weather-related accident? Or something out of the blue? It's not clear. A2: Again, good description of what's happening, but a confusing POV. "His body all messed up/Is he really gone" could be either the driver's or the observer's POV. "What is going on?" I don't know who is asking this. The driver or an observer? C: tells us a ghost is observing it all..Ah, so that's answered. But the line is "Mind the ghost observing it all" so that means someone else is telling us to pay attention to the ghost. Who is telling us that? Did you mean "I'm the ghost observing it all?" Or what? "What's real is in your mind" is a good line...could be developed. D: We are all passengers. You repeat this 4 times which emphasizes it. What do you mean? Can you tie it in better to the scene you painted? Were we passengers in the car? That somebody else wrecked? I feel like you're trying to same something profound here, but that kind of conclusion would be received better if there was more of a run-up to it. These comments are meant to help. As I said, you have a very intriguing concept here. Patty
  3. Fixed the typo in V2L2. Thanks. OK, Since I'm so new at this, I need to ask a newbie question. I purposely made the line 4's into what I thought were identical syllable counts. 14 each in all 3 verses. The L4's are longer than lines 1-2-3, but I thought could work with the right melody. I don't have any problem shortening the L4's, but I'm confused because I thought they matched as is. Agree with "Buy" not "Give" in this song. "Detest." That's the word my girlfriend used to describe the turmoil at the end of her marriage, so it stuck with me. But I can do something else. You're right about "detest" suggesting the problems have already happened/are happening, and this is a "just in case" situation, after all. Another good catch. To answer your last question, my husband knows I'm having a lot of fun writing songs!
  4. Thanks for that. I get it.
  5. Thanks, Gary, What do do you mean by the rhyme scheme is "relentless?" You're right about it being a tongue-in-cheek song. That's why I felt "grab your coat and hat-Itude" would work. Hopefully, some others will comment and we can see how they feel about it. I think I'd get a kick out of singing it and hearing it, but maybe that's just me. Thanks for taking time to critique.
  6. John, Your changes made a big difference. I like the chorus, and now the bridge makes more sense to me. This song has a lingering, haunting quality that is appealing. Patty
  7. Here is my latest revision of Just in Case. I've incorporated a lot of suggestions from the forum, and I think they've (you've) made the song better. Vara--I tried a 1st person version and it just didn't speak to me, so I'll save that option for something else. I've tried to pay attention to rhythmic consistency for the verses, which is something I tend to forget! Anyway, please take another look and see what you think. I think this song would be REALLY FUN to sing with some peppy music behind it. “Just in Case” (Patty Lakamp) V1 When love turns sideways and you’re feelin’ trapped A lack of cash can be a handicap You need some just-in-case money, just in case So you can buy your ticket out and make your getaway V2 Your man keeps tellin’ you he’s workin’ late He dyed his hair and now he’s losin’ weight You need some just-in-case money, just in case So you’ll be lookin’ good as gold along the interstate (Chorus) Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan (Just in case) V3 You need to make sure that you’ll be okay So take the time to plan your rainy day You need some just-in-case money, just in case So you’ll have all the green you need if you don’t want to stay (Chorus) Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan (Just in case) (Bridge) You gotta invest for those times you detest Give yourself the latitude Buy yourself the latitude To grab your coat and hat-itude (Chorus) Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan (Just in case) Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  8. Vara, Just had a moment to review your suggestions. I see I had totally spaced on on the L4 rhythm patterns. I made (almost) all the changes you suggested. I especially like "And feel that way again." It's a smoother way of suggesting that she CAN feel that way again. Good catch! I'm stuck on "I know, I've been there, too" over "You know, I've been there, too." But I could change my mind...I can see it both ways. I'm thinking that "I know," somehow shows more empathy with the friend, but "you know, I've been there, too" was the first way I wrote it. Plus there is another "you know" in V3. I'll have to think about it some more. Here's the most current version: Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home) You asked me to be honest ‘Cause of history we share Girlfriend, please don’t do it Please don’t have an affair You say this man is magic You can’t resist a rendezvous But magic’s an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it You’ll be sorry if do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home Yeah, that’s the better way to do it Take your passion home You know you said the same to me When I was in your shoes So listen to your own advice You have so much to lose (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it You’ll be sorry if do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home Yeah, that’s the better way to do it Take your passion home When you floated down the aisle Your heart beat just for him Give your heart back to your husband And feel that way again (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it You’ll be sorry if do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home Yeah, that’s the better way to do it Take your passion home (Bridge) Yeah, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay Grab that man you married and teach him how to play Yeah, teach him how to play (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it You’ll be sorry if do it Girl, don’t do it Take your passion home Yeah, that’s the better way to do it Take your passion home © Copyright 2017
  9. Vara, just saw this, and I'll take a closer look tomorrow. Thanks. I argued with myself about You know, I've been there, too and I know, I've been there, too. Back and forth. I finally went with I know, because it seemed more emphatic? But I'll reconsider. Thanks as always for your valued support!
  10. Max, I'm happy to help if I can. Remember, though--it's YOUR song, so you are the one that approves everything in it. You have to decide when your song is ready to record or not; nobody else can do that for you. I say, if you like it, go ahead. If you're not sure, wait until you are. Good luck to you. Patty
  11. Max, I think in this example, "will" is the right word in both lines. See what other people say, but that would be my suggestion. Good luck. Patty
  12. Max, Much, much better! In fact, it's pretty amazing that you can write lyrics in a language that isn't your native language. I'm impressed. I couldn't do it! There are so many ways to get tripped up, and I admire you for your efforts. Perhaps you can take another look at this verse: Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game? Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come The day when I hear footsteps at my door 1st line: OK 2nd line: mixed up tenses. Would this work: Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round? 3rd line: forever seasons changing one another ... do you mean seasons are forever changing? seasons change but they don't change one another. OR, do you mean the seasons are forever changing you and the girl? ("One another"). It isn't clear to me. 4th line: Yes! that's how you say it!
  13. critique

    I like the first two verses. Clever lyrics. I stumbled on the "honeymoon suite" verse/lift, and now when I hear you say it's intended as more of a stalker thing...No thank you! I think you have the beginnings of a lovely "love song," so I'd like to see THAT song, and would also agree with MikeRobinson to eliminate the "Zoloft cloud" reference. But it sounds like you have a whole different song in mind.
  14. Scotsman, I like the changes in the Chorus. I also agree with Peggy--I'm not sure why they're both crying. If you could substitute a different word (not as trite as "happy," but that idea), then your 4th line could be: "It felt so right." Stronger than "But it felt so right." Maybe "Both of us together. It felt so right" Something like that. I remember your kissI remember that nightboth of us cryingbut it felt so rightI remember you
  15. John, Thanks for commenting, and sorry your electronic gadgets are not behaving! We depend on them so much! I like the "Confessional" version, too, and it seems to have resonated with a number of people here, so that encourages me to work harder on making it a good lyrical package. And yes, "What's the answer to the question" is a better way to say what I was thinking. Thanks! I have some work to do! Patty