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Patty Lakamp

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About Patty Lakamp

  • Rank
    Experienced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    United States of America

Collaboration

  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Interested

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    Any and All

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  1. Hi, Dave You're obviously a very popular songwriter here on the forum, and I'm impressed. I haven't heard your songs before, so I don't have the history with your work that so many of the other commenters seem to have. So, I'm listening to this song "cold turkey." I love the line "Heaven is coming home to the ones you love." But the chorus that follows seems to be just a listing of family members. I think with just a little imagination, you could paint a fuller picture here with only a few words. I'll show you what I mean, but I know you can do better than this: Where you hug your wife Laugh with your kids Grin at your brother Play cards with your dad Sit with your mother Say hi to your sister Play catch with your son And love every one Trying something like this--with your words, of course--would add some emotional content to what is now just a list. Best to you, Patty
  2. Thanks, Philjo!
  3. Thanks for reading and critiquing, Philjo, This lyric has been spliced and diced so many times, even I am losing track of the number of versions. I have received a lot of good comments on this latest version, particularly since people heard moptop's music and vocals. We're still working on it, but I think I like the version he recorded more than the other options. I realize there are many good ways to say the same thing, so your input is valuable. I continue to work on the "confessional version" that may pick up some of the lines you suggested. Thanks. Patty
  4. I'd take "were" out of the last line to better match the last line of V1 Creative imagery and interesting rhyme! Something hit me wrong here. Maybe it's the verb tenses or message inconsistency: They're making plans for warmer days; they're planning a family; and then comes "SEEMED another world away." I was hoping for a line that would maybe end in "someday" to tie in with future plans. Past-tense "seemed" feels counter to what's going on. Lump of coal seemed like gold.....very nice Good job, Philjo!--Forgive me getting the sources of the quotes mixed up!
  5. Very good intro. You set the scene with a minimum of words, sort of like: "Bus stop/Wet day/She's there/I say"
  6. I love this! What a great image! Fun...especially like "a la mode" Hilarious! Really clever lyric. Thanks for the lift!
  7. Sreyashi Mukherjee: Thank you for your comments. I agree that Moptop's voice is wonderful for this and it's a shame, because I think the song is best sung by a female vocalist. I'll try to write something else for his voice because I like it so much. JH Michaels: Agree that there's a dissonance between the message and the messenger. We're working on that. Thank you for commenting.
  8. Yes, we talked quite a bit about that approach in this forum. Agreed that it would be better as two songs. This one, the "Advice" song and a different one as "the Confessional." Still working on that one.
  9. Monostone, Thanks for the comments. I agree with you. Moptop's voice is top-drawer. I don't see this with a hippie vibe. It was written as a confidential heart-felt conversation---yes, between two women. Moptop was gracious enough to put it to music for me and that's how we discovered what a great vocalist he is. Patty
  10. Kjelle, This is lovely. The mood perfectly suits your stated purpose. I don't think you should put lyrics to it at all. Lyrics would limit the interpretation. Your music accommodates everyone as it is.
  11. Mike, that's a terrific response. Thank you! We are still collaborating on the finer points, but it's good to hear that this one resonated with you.
  12. Here's a link to moptop's music and vocals: Here is the latest version of the lyrics: Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home) V1: I’m telling you a secret I never dared to share Once, when I was someone else ….I had an affair V2: You’re telling me your secret ‘Cause you are where I was Let’s talk it through together And keep it between us Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V3 You say this man is magic You crave a rendezvous But magic is just an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V4 The day you floated down the aisle-- Your heart beat just for him Give your heart back to your husband And feel that way again Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home (Bridge) Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay Grab that man you married and teach him how to play Yeah, teach him how to play Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  13. OK. Here's the better idea for the first part of the chorus: Girl, don't do it Think about your life (Are you) just somebody's lover Or a loving wife?
  14. Well, just as I was about to say something like that, moptop beat me to it. I love his voice and I guess we could have a guy-friend and a girl-friend, but yes, I originally wrote it for two women to be talking confidentially.
  15. Thanks, Vara. Moptop and I have been talking about stressing different syllables, etc. We both love that chorus line and I think I'm making him jam too many words in the space. I'm trying to shorten it up. One idea: Girl, Don't do it You're bound to spend your life Just somebody's lover not a loving wife--(emphasis on the LOV-ing WIFE) I'm still working on it!