Patty Lakamp

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Everything posted by Patty Lakamp

  1. Hi, to those of you who offered such helpful critiques of this song. Here's another version, with different reasons in each verse for the friends parting. I also added a Bridge to give a new dimension to the message. I know that the structure of V-C-V-C-B-C is a standard one, but in this case, I have V-C-V-C-B-V-C. Is that weird or OK? If I need to take something out, should it be the Bridge or one of the Verses? I'd love your thoughts. It was a real benefit to hear so many insightful comments. Thanks! “Friendship Hurts If You Do It Right” (Patty Lakamp) V1 We were best friends all through grade school Brave explorers in the park Built a fort down by the river She was Lewis to my Clark Then my Daddy got a new job First time I’d encountered fate I learned something about friendships I did not anticipate (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends separate and it’s never the same The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again V2 I met Jennie as a freshman We shared books and boys and beer Listening to her secrets Was like looking in the mirror I thought we’d always be together Best friends just a hop away But life carried us down different roads I miss her every day (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends separate and it’s never the same The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again Bridge: Friendship brings sadness when friends have to part And starting again is incredibly hard But I give it my all in spite of the cost Over time I have gained so much more than I’ve lost V3 I’ve had coffee twice a week with Mary Ann for thirty years We’ve had every conversation About marriage and careers She’s the kind of friend who gets me It took years to build this trust Now she’s moving to Montana And I’m struggling to adjust (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends separate and it’s never the same The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  2. I'm Patty Lakamp and am so glad to have found SongStuff! I have always loved writing ANYTHING. I was an advertising copywriter for half of my working years (the other half was in the arcane world of municipal bonds—go figure!) Now in retirement, I’ve discovered lyric writing. I’ve only been doing this for about 6 months, but have entered my lyrics in some national contests and so far have won Two Honorable Mentions, which were real morale boosts. I want to get better and better, and have my songs produced. I would love to collaborate with a musician to make a complete product. I hope to contribute to SongStuff by critiquing lyrics responsibly and helpfully, and I will submit my lyrics for your comments, too. I’m particularly interested in songs about women, for women. Influences are Carly Simon, Streisand, The Beatles, Gordon Lightfoot, John Denver. Some might say “old;” I prefer “classic.”
  3. Thanks for the suggestion to put the original below the revision. I'm still learning the protocols for this site--in fact, I didn't know whether to start a new topic with the rewrite or just add to the first one. Do people come back to "old" listings? Also, I'm curious about the dots below names and the "+" numbers and the "community reputation" numbers. Re the song, I'm not satisfied with it yet, either. I do like "Friendship Hurts If You Do It Right" and I need to think more about that. Trying to capture the feeling of investing in a friendship (which brings great rewards) but also leaves you vulnerable to major sadness when the two people have to move from the same town to different places. You certainly can still be great friends, but it's different because you're not physically in the same place. That's a big loss and it hurts.
  4. Tom, Nice mellow feel to this. I was enjoying the lyric till till I came to the line: "Would you place your tiny hand in mine?" I thought, Why "tiny?" That took me I whole different direction. How about "Would you place your loving hand in mine?"Or just skip the bridge? Not sure you need it. I'm sure you already caught the typos in "are eyes"/"our eyes."
  5. Robash love the Edmund Fitzgerald, too! I've posted several of my songs on the Lyric Critique Board, so I'd love your comments.
  6. I'll look forward to your next revision.
  7. Neptune Really fun lyrics! I would only make one change: In V3: I would change "I don't need a pouty face," to "I don't need his pouty face." Otherwise,it's not clear whether it's the singer's face or the guy's face." Other than that, You Go Girl!
  8. Chicken Picker, I like the title and it makes me want to listen to the song. I got confused in the first verse about who was who and how many women were in the house, etc. Being really clear about this would help the story. You don't want your listener to have to think about anything but the story you're telling. (It's distracting to be confused!) The message is a popular one, and you have brought some originality to the examples: "trying to look slimmer,""knock off this mama stuff," "I'd have more time to chop that wood," and "let's tackle this together." All positive things. Once you get the lyrics tightened up, I can imagine the women in the audience cheering as the singer blasts out this one! Keep at it!
  9. Hi, Neptune, I think a better title for this song would be: "I Believed You Till Today" It's an intriguing line and makes the listener want to know what happened today that upended the trust. The Chorus is really good. Have you thought about starting out with the Chorus? That way, you set up the story as "a little time apart" and end with "I believed you till today." The song feels long and V2 feels repetitive. Can you come up with more to the story, punctuated with that terrific Chorus? The Bridge doesn't seem to add anything. Maybe you could change it to come up with a totally different comment/insight there? Or leave it out?
  10. Hi, Summer Days, I understand the angel/devil imagery, but I'm confused about some parts of the story. For example, in V2: "Then we started talkin' but she fell to realize"---do you mean she "failed" to realize? or she fell to the devil's level and realized something? In V3: As we began to grow, I refused to recognize---- how this angel stole this devils soul, and changed his foolish pride--/ ..... N' it was hard to believe, I had to let my angel go--- Here we have the angel stealing the devil's soul, and CHANGING his foolish pride. So why did he have to let her go (since he was changing/coming around)? And if he wasn't changing, why was it hard to believe he had to let her go, since he said in V1 that angels & devils didn't go together. More clarity in the verses would help keep the listener on track and engaged. Your verses are different lengths and I'm not sure if that's on purpose. V1-4 lines; V2-8 lines; V3-8 lines; V4-11 lines? Why the difference? Also, the 4th line of V4--did you leave something out? "and fire--- began fall--" Plus, the way it's written now that fire is pretty busy: rolling DOWN the mountains, blazing TO the skies, fallen FROM the skies (did you mean "fallen" or "falling?") Songs are so short that every word matters. I think you have a good idea going here and just need to focus on saying exactly what you mean, and keeping your metaphors consistent. Good luck to you. This song has possibilities.
  11. Hi, I'd love some feedback on this lyric. I've rewritten it a lot, and need some fresh eyes on it: “Girl Don’t Do It” (Patty Lakamp) There’s a secret I’ve been hiding This once I’ll lay it bare In the past when I was someone else I had an affair Now you’ve come to me for counsel Because you are where I was I’ve always loved you like a daughter And thank God I’ve earned your trust (Chorus) Girl don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today My confession is unnerving It still presents a threat But I fear you’re heading down the road To a lifetime of regret I can see you’re sorely tempted I’ll keep your confidence But you can’t hide secrets from yourself You’re the living evidence (Chorus) Girl don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today Here’s the fundamental question A lover or a wife? I chose not to be a woman who Carried on a double life So I keep this ugly secret I’m faithful to the core How will you answer the question That could haunt you evermore? (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  12. Thank you, Peggy! That's quite a compliment because that's exactly how I wanted a listener to respond! Now, I have to take a look at the whole song and incorporate all the good suggestions. What a wonderful resource this group is! Thanks!
  13. “Friendship Hurts If You Do It Right” (Patty Lakamp) We were best friends all through grade school Brave explorers in the park Built a fort down by the river She was Lewis to my Clark Then her Daddy got a new job First time I’d encountered fate I learned something about friendships I did not anticipate (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends move on and they leave you behind The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again I met Jennie as a freshman We shared books and boys and beer Listening to her secrets Was like looking in the mirror Senior year she fell for Charlie By spring they were engaged Hand in hand they broke it to me They were moving to L.A. (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends move on and they leave you behind The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again I’ve had coffee twice a week with Mary Ann for thirty years We’ve had every conversation About marriage and careers She’s the kind of friend who gets me It took years to build this trust Now she’s moving to Montana And I’m struggling to adjust (Chorus) Friendship hurts if you do it right Friends move on and they leave you behind The closer the friend, the deeper the pain But it’s part of life to start over again Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  14. Hi, I'd love some feedback on this song. Even just whether you prefer "Green Eyes" or "Green Eyes are Making Me Blue" “Green Eyes” (Patty Lakamp) You say you flew to Paris When St. Thomas got too hot I’d like to say I’m glad for you But honestly I’m not I know I sound embittered And ungracious to my friends But the picture gets distorted When green eyes look through the lens (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself with you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you You never check a price tag And you always have a tan I don’t want to live like you do But I’m jealous that you can Envy is a traitor Who puts poison in the stew I make myself feel Less Than more than anything you do (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself with you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you Green eyes are making me blue If I don’t get this figured out I’m going to lose you Don’t let me lose you Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2016
  15. tomcollins: Thank you for your comments. Even something simple like "I like the way you write" is encouraging to me, as a beginner. You've raised a point I need to research more: the different functions of verse & chorus. I thought this chorus was a good summary, but if it doesn't feel that way to you, then I want to look at it again. The goal is always to be better!
  16. (I'm not sure how to reply to each person who commented, so I'll put all my responses so far in this post. {Help?} Hobosage: You got me with: "Girls build forts, too?" :-) I need to rethink the "move on," "move away" part. And you're right to pick up on the abandonment theme. I don't mean there was any disagreement between the friends, just that it really hurts when a close friend leaves town for reasons that make perfect sense for her, but leave you feeling bereft, even if you support/understand the move for her benefit. Nousevas: I appreciate your comments. Re the title, I see your point about it being the "leaving" that hurts, but I think I'll pursue that line because especially these days, people DO physically move a lot and I'm trying to say that even knowing this, you should give friendship your all, because it's worth it. Timbre: I'll check out the Patty Loveless song. Thanks for the support and encouragement.
  17. Thank you. Good point about the reason always being the move. I will think on it and try to improve it. its not that the friendship ends, but that the friends are no longer physically in the same place, which changes the day-to-day. I get your point, though, and I appreciate the insight.
  18. I chose to critique this song because the title/hook captured me. I'm writing this before reading the other evals because I didn't want to be influenced by them. It will be interesting to see how these comments compare to the others. Love the title. It suggests holding off till another day. Also love: "When love turns to war it's not love anymore." "War" is a good tie-in with the title. As are: battleground/casualties, Don't even remember what I'm fighting for, bind up my wounds. So this is all good consistent imagery. Bravo! "I can't see your heart from here" is a great line. Suggests distance and loss all at the same time. The Bridge could be strengthened. A singer this smart who can analyze her love story so adeptly is way too smart to have ever thought "lipstick and blush" would solve anything serious. The double meaning of "powder" works well with "no tears on my face" and "keep my powder dry", but the lipstick and blush references don't seem worthy of this person. They diminish the message because while they are consistent in category (makeup,) they're not consistent intellectually.
  19. I like this lyric! Good title/hook, and the multiple repetition of the lines throughout the song is a positive. The title is fun and makes me smile. I can imagine the crowd chiming in, and the repetition throughout the song encourages the joining in. The AABBCC rhyme scheme feels very stable, which suit this "advice" song. Somehow all this advice doesn't come across as preachy, perhaps because of the title. This is no Puritan singing, just a wise man/woman (?) offering a measured suggestion for boundaries. Some of the critiques I have received on my lyrics have suggested I strive for more "objective clarity," which in this case would mean more clearly defining who this advice-giver is, and who the "boy" is. But to me, it doesn't matter. I get the message without knowing the specifics. Others may find it puzzling or incomplete. I like “the winner in this race boy is the guy who comes in last” (to me, that means the one who lives the longest.) Wording it like this felt original and fresh and suggested the singer has a sense of humor. Also, I got a kick out of the puns on “crystal” and “white lines.” Good internal rhyming makes it fun, too. The “hip hoppin….” line sounds jumpy, like someone on “little pills” so that worked for me. Devil has evil in his name…that’s probably not original, but it was new to me.