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Patty Lakamp

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Everything posted by Patty Lakamp

  1. Thanks, Philjo!
  2. Hi, I'd love some feedback on this lyric. I've rewritten it a lot, and need some fresh eyes on it: “Girl Don’t Do It” (Patty Lakamp) There’s a secret I’ve been hiding This once I’ll lay it bare In the past when I was someone else I had an affair Now you’ve come to me for counsel Because you are where I was I’ve always loved you like a daughter And thank God I’ve earned your trust (Chorus) Girl don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today My confession is unnerving It still presents a threat But I fear you’re heading down the road To a lifetime of regret I can see you’re sorely tempted I’ll keep your confidence But you can’t hide secrets from yourself You’re the living evidence (Chorus) Girl don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today Here’s the fundamental question A lover or a wife? I chose not to be a woman who Carried on a double life So I keep this ugly secret I’m faithful to the core How will you answer the question That could haunt you evermore? (Chorus) Girl, don’t do it Find another way You'll live with this forever Think beyond today Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  3. Thanks for reading and critiquing, Philjo, This lyric has been spliced and diced so many times, even I am losing track of the number of versions. I have received a lot of good comments on this latest version, particularly since people heard moptop's music and vocals. We're still working on it, but I think I like the version he recorded more than the other options. I realize there are many good ways to say the same thing, so your input is valuable. I continue to work on the "confessional version" that may pick up some of the lines you suggested. Thanks. Patty
  4. I'd take "were" out of the last line to better match the last line of V1 Creative imagery and interesting rhyme! Something hit me wrong here. Maybe it's the verb tenses or message inconsistency: They're making plans for warmer days; they're planning a family; and then comes "SEEMED another world away." I was hoping for a line that would maybe end in "someday" to tie in with future plans. Past-tense "seemed" feels counter to what's going on. Lump of coal seemed like gold.....very nice Good job, Philjo!--Forgive me getting the sources of the quotes mixed up!
  5. Very good intro. You set the scene with a minimum of words, sort of like: "Bus stop/Wet day/She's there/I say"
  6. I love this! What a great image! Fun...especially like "a la mode" Hilarious! Really clever lyric. Thanks for the lift!
  7. Sreyashi Mukherjee: Thank you for your comments. I agree that Moptop's voice is wonderful for this and it's a shame, because I think the song is best sung by a female vocalist. I'll try to write something else for his voice because I like it so much. JH Michaels: Agree that there's a dissonance between the message and the messenger. We're working on that. Thank you for commenting.
  8. Yes, we talked quite a bit about that approach in this forum. Agreed that it would be better as two songs. This one, the "Advice" song and a different one as "the Confessional." Still working on that one.
  9. Monostone, Thanks for the comments. I agree with you. Moptop's voice is top-drawer. I don't see this with a hippie vibe. It was written as a confidential heart-felt conversation---yes, between two women. Moptop was gracious enough to put it to music for me and that's how we discovered what a great vocalist he is. Patty
  10. Kjelle, This is lovely. The mood perfectly suits your stated purpose. I don't think you should put lyrics to it at all. Lyrics would limit the interpretation. Your music accommodates everyone as it is.
  11. Mike, that's a terrific response. Thank you! We are still collaborating on the finer points, but it's good to hear that this one resonated with you.
  12. Here's a link to moptop's music and vocals: Here is the latest version of the lyrics: Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home) V1: I’m telling you a secret I never dared to share Once, when I was someone else ….I had an affair V2: You’re telling me your secret ‘Cause you are where I was Let’s talk it through together And keep it between us Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V3 You say this man is magic You crave a rendezvous But magic is just an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V4 The day you floated down the aisle-- Your heart beat just for him Give your heart back to your husband And feel that way again Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home (Bridge) Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay Grab that man you married and teach him how to play Yeah, teach him how to play Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  13. OK. Here's the better idea for the first part of the chorus: Girl, don't do it Think about your life (Are you) just somebody's lover Or a loving wife?
  14. Well, just as I was about to say something like that, moptop beat me to it. I love his voice and I guess we could have a guy-friend and a girl-friend, but yes, I originally wrote it for two women to be talking confidentially.
  15. Thanks, Vara. Moptop and I have been talking about stressing different syllables, etc. We both love that chorus line and I think I'm making him jam too many words in the space. I'm trying to shorten it up. One idea: Girl, Don't do it You're bound to spend your life Just somebody's lover not a loving wife--(emphasis on the LOV-ing WIFE) I'm still working on it!
  16. Thanks! Moptop does a great job with this. Gives me chills.
  17. Might I add, a "Very gifted vocalist and musician?" Here are the lyrics. These have been revised after some of the comments below. Girl, Don’t Do It I’m telling you a secret I never dared to share Once, when I was someone else ….I had an affair You’re telling me your secret ‘Cause you are where I was Let’s talk it through together And keep it between us Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home You say this man is magic You crave a rendezvous But magic’s an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home The day you floated down the aisle-- Your heart beat just for him Give your heart back to your husband And feel that way again Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay Grab that man you married and teach him how to play Yeah, teach him how to play Girl, don’t do it Think about your life Are you just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  18. By "a choice like this" I meant how to express things. I really like "Do you want to go through life/Just somebody's lover/ or a loving wife".
  19. I'd like to hear it, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  20. Yes, the new version makes it very clear that "I" and "magic justice" are two different entities. Good job.
  21. No need to be sorry. I appreciate your comments. You may well be right. I just really liked the new chorus, particularly the lines: Do you want to go through life Just somebody's lover or a loving wife? I hoped that would encapsulate the choice she's facing. Maybe this could be the Bridge? I also preferred L3&L4 of V1: Once, when I was someone else, ....I had an affair The hard part for me is the tug-of-war in my head about the best way to say things/structure the lyric when there's a choice like this. If it's solely personal preference, then I can choose easily. If it's a matter of recognizing the "obvious" better choice because of experience and maybe instinct, I'm not there yet.
  22. Hi, Seems I'm always revising. Here is the latest version that I hope is good enough to be the final version. Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home) V1: I’m telling you a secret I never dared to share Once, when I was someone else ….I had an affair V2: You’re telling me your secret ‘Cause you are where I was Let’s talk it through together And keep it between us Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Do you want to go through life Just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V3 You say this man is magic You crave a rendezvous But magic’s an illusion I know, I’ve been there, too Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Do you want to go through life Just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home V4 When you floated down the aisle-- Your heart beat just for him Give your heart back to your husband And feel that way again Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Do you want to go through life Just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home (Bridge) Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay Grab that man you married and teach him how to play Yeah, teach him how to play Chorus: Girl, don’t do it Do you want to go through life Just somebody’s lover Or a loving wife? Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Girl, Don’t do it There’s heartache down that road Turn yourself around and Take your passion home Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017
  23. Vara, You're right, your original lyric DID say "I'll be Karma." I just missed it. Sorry. I like your new opening verse, especially the "magic justice" phrase. Patty
  24. I know what it's like to have a song percolating around for a long time before you actually tackle it! Good luck to you!
  25. I agree. I need help understanding what you're trying to say. And while here, in the forum, it's appropriate for us to share the idea behind the song, the listener only gets the song, not the explanation. So, yes, I agree that you need to fill this out a bit. In your explanation, you say you are "transcending the scale of time" yet your new lyric says "Never escaping the confines of time." Those thoughts sound like opposites to me. So, I'm still confused about what the message is. What do you mean "time always breaks and Love leads you astray"? What does "time always breaks" mean? OK, i get that this singer thinks love leads one astray, but if the next two lines are supposed to mean that BECAUSE love leads you astray, Never keep your hope in a faraway place.....I just don't get the connection. Is love a "faraway place?" Can you make your lyric more clear? The fox on my ankle tells me to watch my step....