Takoda

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About Takoda

  • Rank
    Noob

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    United States of America

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  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Interested

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  • Getting Critique
    Any and All

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  1. critique

    Seeking constructive criticism, thoughts, suggestions and collaboration … This is A A B A form. The meter is fairly consistent; the rhyme scheme less so. However, it flows nicely and feels like potential. I have no idea what it means, though. However, I would like to challenge everyone, if there is interest, to rewrite, alter or compose another in the same vein—at least retain the A A B A form and relative brevity. her face like an angel (verse) breath of a voice like a whispering ghost on the night wind floats she touches my heart (verse) her eyes concerned like a tattooed soul on a long slow burn I reach to embrace (bridge) and fall through the years as she slips through my fingers like a handful of tears she turns and smiles (verse) her cool summer scent drifts on the breeze like silent intent © 2017 Beguiling Lil’ Ditties ™
  2. critique

    Thanks.
  3. critique

    Well, actually, it's intended as more of a stalker thing .... Thanks ...
  4. This is pretty good. Would like to hear it. Couple of nits: The bright lights in Texas their they’re calling my name oil and finer things <- never thought of oil as a finer thing, does this refer to money that oil brings? then one-night a dream came <- the meter in these two lines does not seem to match the other verses and to my surprise-- And a question: What happened in the dream to cause a life change?
  5. critique

    Thank you ...
  6. critique

    Hoping for critique, thoughts, suggestions, collaboration, et cetera ... if crime was loving you (verse) I’d be a wanted man public enemy number one catch me if you can I’d plan a daring heist (verse) to steal your heart away stage it smack in the broad daylight a clean getaway we’d hide out in a honeymoon suite (lift) in a quaint little Mexican village south of the border where we’d be safe from the nosy prying eyes and I’d never let you go (chorus) ‘cause we were meant to be together no, I’d never let you go you know, true love is forever the crime of loving you (verse) how can that be so wrong they said I was too obsessive had to move along I could never listen (verse) or ever stay away now I float on this Zoloft cloud dreaming of the day we’ll make love in our honeymoon suite (lift) in that quaint little Mexican village south of the border where we’ll be safe from those nosy prying eyes and I’ll never let you go (chorus) ‘cause we are meant to be together no, I’ll never let you go you know, soulmates are forever © 2017 Beguiling Lil’ Ditties ™
  7. I too enjoyed the chorus ... it sings. The bridge is cool, but I would reword it a bit, try to get it to flow more like the chorus. Such as: Without one good reason why; to: Not one good reason why; as example. I stumbled over some of the words in the verses. But, maybe that's just my silly tongue tripping. I like it and wait to hear it ...
  8. lyrics critique

    Yes: V, C, V, C, B, V, C. Even though instances of a chorus are traditionally static, I tried to alter them in some logical progression. Thanks ...
  9. lyrics critique

    Go for it, if you can do metal ... and thanks ...
  10. Looking for critique, thoughts, suggestions, collaboration, et cetera ... in the darkness and the heat lonely hours of the night can't get to sleep with the pain in the belly of the beast voices whisper out of sight hot white mud creeps thru the main and it burns my eyes and it burns my blood 'n bones and it burns my life down to cold hard stone but I'm too far gone, too far gone how could everything get jacked there's no way to comprehend broke on the rack everyday ghost train bearing down the tracks won't heed the light at the end no going back from the day and it burns me blind and it boils my blood 'n bones and it turns my life into cold hard stone but I'm too far gone, too far gone everybody's got a reason everyone has a good excuse everyone's looking to accuse somebody else when the sun shines thru the pane shadows of the night withdraw and hide in shame on the streets nowhere else to lay the blame spirit's badly overdrawn undo these chains of defeat and let it burn my mind let it burn my flesh 'n bones let it burn my light down to cold hard stone 'cause I’m too far gone, too far gone © 2017 Beguiling Lil’ Ditties ™
  11. The vocals are a bit tentative. You have a nice voice. It needs to be heard. And, a bridge (I think) could add the explanation that ties everything together: What is it that you don’t want to see when you have to look back (as example)? Thank you … Have you heard this person?
  12. This is interesting. When I read it, I hear it spoken with lively syncopated background music. And, for some reason, “Continuum continuum” always comes out “ continuing continuum.” Thank you …