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Servus

Noob
  • Content count

    16
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About Servus

  • Rank
    Noob

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    Just send me a PM on here, and if things go well we can communicate on a better medium
  • Website URL
    (this is for my song demo uploads)

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Australia
  • Interests
    Health and fitness, Hiking, Songwriting, Reading, Poetry, Ancient History, Camping

Music Background

  • Band / Artist Name
    Servus
  • Musical / Songwriting / Music Biz Skills
    Lyricist, Composer, Rhythm Guitarist (Rock/Metal), Drummer, Percussionist, Amateur poet
  • Musical Influences
    Deftones, Tool, Slipknot, Chevelle, NIN, Incubus, Opeth, Stabbingwestward

Collaboration

  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Interested

Critique Preferences

  • Getting Critique
    Any and All
  1. NOTES: This one was written about fate. What originally inspired me to write this was when I was at my friends place playing a street-fighter type video game. I believed so strongly that I was the character on the right side after switching controls with my mate, that I felt like I was in control of the character the entire time. When they were pummelling my character to the ground I was cheering thinking that was me pummelling the enemy in the ground. After the match ended, and it was made obvious I had no control of that character who won the video game match, I wondered to myself if this is the way I've been living my entire life. I went home that evening and questioned whether or not I was actually in control of my life. I started to consider the possibility that I was just a bystander and observer of fate. The more I think about it, the more I suspect my life has been like that video game match. An experience I had no control over but believed so strongly I was dictating, that I believed up until that point that everything was a result of my own control. Such is the paradox of fate. The title of the song came from the most thought about theme relating to fate; Which is generally "Will I be fated to find true love or just be used as a means to create and sustain a family that will live on my name after I die?" Generally the older you get, the lower the chance you will find true love and the higher chance you will be led on to believe you are so you can be used to give another person a family that will benefit from your guidance and fame/money. Some unfortunate enough to be led on like this by a superficial snake will come to think it was fated so. Others will believe they made the mistake because they were led on by someone who didn't really see through their eyes. Ultimately if you still haven't found true love, regardless of what you believe in; Whether it be fate or us having complete control, you will probably understand time is your greatest enemy and your greatest friend. You will either think your time has not come and that your fate awaits when you are both ready, or you will think that your time has passed and that you must accept your fate as you embrace who you know will currently live on your name. I wrote this to bring awareness of how ones personal belief of fate affects their prospects of finding true love. More so I wanted to remind people of how much or little control they dictate over their lives is dependant upon how much control they believe they have at any given point. I wanted it to be inspirational and remind others that there are other people like them who endure soul crushing loneliness everyday, while holding onto the same pure intention that can either weigh you down like a stone or allow you to float were you would otherwise sink allot sooner. I wanted it to be a reminder that there are others who fill the hole with work and money and superficial things that make them more worthy of providing guidance and receiving fame for working towards something which makes the future appear to hold more promising prospects. Why? because I think that deep down not enough people are reminded of that. Too many feel like they are fated to be alone, after being let down so many times for floating with the expectation their true love is just around the corner. Please leave me as much feedback as you can or want. I need some honest opinions on the structure and variation of these lyrics, as well as the flow between stanzas and how well it all conveys what I was writing about and what inspired me to write it. I also want to know how well it serves it purpose for questioning the fate of the listener and inspiring them to be more in control over their lives. If I get 3 positive comments I'l submit a demo in the next fortnight following the third comment, to be recorded from my mates studio. Where you guys can give me further thoughts and advice Heir Verse 1- Here is my body, pumped up and defined when you searched for answers, our powers combined ignoring fate, pleasure senses you will bind yourself to a saviour who was left behind they will teach you everything you need to know Because when you were high they were feeling real low Working their ass off, and trying to find A new type of power, you've never combined made from honesty, goodwill and things you don't see These are the potions that will make true love be Pre Chorus- The missing piece in our meaningless life prophecy Chorus- And we keep searching right up until the end some don't know what to seek so they earn money to just pretend And we keep searching right up untill the end some can't find love when they're not open to any friend Bridge 1- ignite the ember and push through the flame thinking that choices are not all the same hoping that we find a better path now Ignoring fate Ignoring fate we: Let ourselves go to the storm and the sea drifting on through somewhere we know where we'll be going somewhere that we don't expect Ignoring fate Ignoring fate Interlude- I'm pushing through water trying to get to you just as I get close You disappear from view (option entry for solo here assuming song is not too long as is) Verse 2- [mode change 2 notes shift to form new scale] And its not what were willing to see and its what true love is, so why can't we be? and its not what I've yet discovered or found and its not whats hiding, unless its around the next dream that I see better plant this seed or else I've been living for an endless need that cannot be satisfied, quenched now or sold living for the slumber to see your form unfold hopefully this is not the high peak i'm told I hope soon to meet you before I get old Bridge 2- [mode change back to original scale] Your overdue to know i love too Your overdue to know i love you Chorus- And we keep searching right up untill the end some don't know what to seek so they earn money to just pretend And we keep searching right up until the end some can't find love when they're not open to just a friend Verse 1- Leading me on like a drug i can't see how you as a treasure is waiting to be taken by one man, its much more then greed a quest for survival, a hunger for need to find the best value and pass on the name to someone more worthy of guidance and fame Bridge 2- You cannot see i can't love you You cannot see through my eyes too [End with a pan out using the bridge 2 riff without vocals for 4x repeats.]
  2. This one was written about an ancient native american legend about two wolves. I wrote it after being attacked by someone close in my family who I have since forgiven for the act. I wanted to bring more awareness to the wisdom of the native american people and especially remind others of the benefits of self awareness and letting go of the ego. Most people are aware of the poison from alcohol, but cannot see the way hate and ego also poisons the heart and mind. Once you can see it in yourself, you can see it in the world around you. I believe being able to notice how frequently someone is feeding which wolf is the key to understanding which one is winning the battle eternally. Here is the story: An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” Trust Vs Mistrust I thought i knew everything about you i trusted eyes i could not see i thought i knew everything about you i was betrayed and now i know what to be what to be what to be, to you: Cold mistrusting, bold suspicious aware of webs inside your mind cautious of the cruel intentions unravelling when you unwind You're feeding the darker wolf inside you're feeding it with me you're feeding the darker wolf inside you're feeding it with me Brave new worlds breeding prevention Is over looked by those in fear controlling what will go inside the child to keep the furthest away near That's why all the population listens to lies that eat their time submitting to the ways of profit always thinking they are in their prime These illusions making women choosy soldiers are tense and unaware backed by governments laughing at victims because kangaroo courts never care Bold suspicious fast conviction merciless to those like me abusing them for your greater good i was blind to it but now i see You're feeding the darker wolves inside you're feeding them with me you're feeding the darker wolves inside you'l be feeding them with me Edited June 1 by Servus
  3. Very Beatles influenced. Sounds like a bad guitar and bad mic were used in combination. I've done better demo's on the old school tape decks zeppelin use to record on (had one as a kid). Go digital with the vocals, and do the guitar with a semi acoustic you can plug in digitally until you have access to better mics for acoustic recording (you need a decent one for that). I hate to say it, but the source sound does matter. Even Syd Barret played a decent guitar for his demos. Also if your not good at mastering pirate some software and take some tutorials. You need to get the hang of mastering so you can eliminate those annoying hums you get for guitar. You don't do your demo's justice as they are. No point in making it sound bad for the sake of it. You aren't writing grudge after all hehe On a positive note, I love the Beatles and I liked this songs mellow vibe. Nice write Reminds me of more innocent times. I can see its great potential, but I hope others can see past the bad quality and annoying hum in the background in order to see what I see. Good luck, and keep writing mate! Can't get enough of this writing style.
  4. Is that you playing keys in the beginning? Very nice riff. I think that 1:06-1:25 really needs a syncopated beat in the background with the mids and lows cut out, I'm thinking something rising in volume steadily. I could show you an example: (2:01- 2:17 in this song I linked below) Would add a nice contrast to the drum beat at 2:17 (it would come in with more effect and punch, and make that beat sound more groovy) I also think at 1:26 You need to switch it up by introducing a variation of that same beat that lasts until the next break at 2:10. Switch up the snare accents to better match the altered vocal rhythm. This is just advice from a drummer. Don't get me wrong the current beat works, but you need to add some variation in that section and you need to EQ it a bit punchier as this is the core of the song. Maybe even get the vocalist to increase his dynamics for that section if you want as a trial. This is just general composition advice though. Sounds to me like you didn't experiment much with the arrangement so far. Or maybe this guy wants it super simple. But you do have lots of options to have fun now! So mix it up homie. I might be stepping out of my league saying this, as you only asked for production advice. I can't give you any production advice as the mixing and levels are on point . I'd personally increase the drums to be a tad loader over-all (like 5%) and maybe the mid's of the vocals by a tad (5%). But hard to tell how that will effect the melody layer. Hope this feedback is of some use to you..
  5. hahaha what a great piece. Fun, entertaining, ballsy (it's strongest characteristic), and above all else saying it as it is. It's a sad story, but its relevant to so many homeless people out there. I was having dinner with my father one day in this restaurant here in the city of Sydney. We saw this homeless man, and my father gave him some money. He never usually gives to the homeless. He told me that man use to be a pilot and had a wife and kids. A stewardess attempted to seduce him at work and he refused. Two weeks later he was accused of sexual harassment and had to go to court. He was judged guilty as one of the stewardesses friends who worked with her apparently claimed to be an "eye witness" to something that never happened. You can guess the rest of the story. He lost his job and had to pay her off thousands. His hot wife divorced him and took his house and kids. He felt betrayed by the forces unknown for being a good person and doing the right thing, so started drinking and doing illegal acts to make money. He became convinced this world was made to hurt the honest and the fair. Eventually it brought him to such a low point that he couldn't even make enough money to drink from his crimes. He became a beggar. One day my father saw him on the street and felt really sad for him, telling him he had the eyes of a good person and gave him 5 bucks. This is when the man proceeded to tell him his story. You sound like your writing from experience... But i suspect it is a reference to the world we live in that takes advantage of many of those who started with good intentions and changes them into bitter people once they lose what they had with good intention and belief and hope. Reminds of a line in this OSI song that goes "Hope is a candle that feedsOff the air till it leaves almost nothing". You can keep writing fantastic lyrics like this, but if people like me don't hear these great tracks finished to do the lyrics justice,(even as a demo) then your not going to evolve as a song writer. So please, HAUL ASS and record this song. Upload a song critique of it as it's perfect the way it is. Do it for yourself if for anyone. One can't write this well and then let it crumble to dust. It would be such a pity!
  6. In my opinion it needs a stronger more established rhythm or some rhyme to make it flow more freely. Unless it was written to be spoken. But the way you repeat some lines contradicts that. "when people speak they rarely repeat the same line 10 seconds later" So ahh, yeah make it flow nicer maybe put in a nice hook line to begin the verse after the chorus and don't forget to change up the dynamics a bit when you record to give it variation in intensity. Other than that the line "ball o'fire" didn't really resonate well with me. Wasn't sure what that meant in the context. Everything else was clear. I mean it is blues after all, shouldn't be very cryptic to begin with anyway. Nice song. Maybe just needs a more personal touch, either in the singing style or attitude of the way its sung. Seems a bit boring to me as it is without being able to hear you sing it. If you can make the lyrics feel personal with the way you deliver and execute a fat guitar then yeah, don't see why the the content needs to change. I'd probably suggest recording a demo as it is. Could be great for what it is already? It's really hard to critique the lyrics without music. Definitely not anything too special though as lyrics go, but it could be a cool song. I've been on those long journeys home after a night of long drinking and felt like I was never going to get home. Bluesy theme for sure. I hope you write a song about a long drunken walk home one day. I've never heard anyone write about that. Also PM me any great blues artists you like. I'd be keen to hear your favourites
  7. "Yes I did lift a couple of lines from that well known song" Are you talking about the stripper song? Because I don't see any similarities there. Anyway, I loved these lyrics. I've had similar thoughts on my mind about this women I want to date who works in a questionable place too. Solid structure and great flow. Lets hear you pump out a demo? I'd be happy to give the song some critique once the demo's uploaded. In any case I think it's ready to bake in the oven overnight as it is. Good stuff mate! cheers for sharing
  8. Great f*cking song joey. To make someone who hates 99.9% of country want to listen to country is a hard feat to accomplish. But you pulled it off. I came here looking to fool around with a comment, but got swept up like a hurricane reading your lyrics haha I had this experience happen to me recently. And boy is it life changing... This ones in a positive light I suspect? I Like the way that it just covers the reason they stood out and how it changed you. Doesn't go into what happened, or if she crushed you afterwards. Its very easy to relate. I love it the way it is, and hope you can update this post with the a link to song critique post of the first demo once its uploaded. I would be very happy to give feedback on the vocals with guitar I'm sure its going to kick ass. P.S on a side note, did you live happily ever after with this one? Cheers for sharing mate!
  9. rough draft

    The only Bone you threw to us dogs was the cell. Yet that's what enabled me to deconstruct it backwards from the chorus. Which I might add is a f*cking powerful chorus! Man I felt goosebumps reading that. The way it gave off that really secretive vibe like your a drug cult operating in the night in the shadows of your cell. Made my skin crawl. Then the chorus comes in with this contrasting inspirational/ hostile energy. Good vs Evil. Courageous charge to battle. Then the murders during the night. This truly came from a dark place, and you can't imitate that. You either experience it or you don't. You've been through some f*cked up shit and I've never heard someone write a song about the relationships of different groups in prison. Nor the contrasting dispositions/intentions of cellmates. I've heard some similar shit in rap, but never this well written. This ones giving me a rock/metal vibe. Which i f*cking love. Haven't heard this done before in a heavier genre. It really does it justice though. I can almost imagine that heavy beat coming in for the chorus. Making me feel ready for battle. This is a great song mate. Hold onto it. I think its ready as it is for recording and arranging to fit some music. Perfectly arranged stanzas too. Do you have any plans to make it a demo track? Would you sing it? Do you need any help for the instrumentation... Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have anything I can listen to. I believe in you. Thanks for sharing! I hope you write more songs about prison in the future. You have a way with words and lyrics. Keep this post updated if you can. I want to see it turn to song.
  10. I was questionable of that chorus when reading it, but it flows allot better from the lips then it does read. Well done! Well written, and well put. The last line (hook-line) in the chorus was a great ending too. The rhythm was very consistent and remained interesting through ought the whole song. It had all the right breaks and nice variation with the other rapper in there. My only concern is it might drag a bit, but its engaging so it might still be very listenable if it goes over 4-5 minutes. Try do what ever you can to keep the instrumentation/backing varied (even with little details) so as to not make it sound too monotonous. My interpretation is that your talking about the uses of good and evil relative to your belief, and how things aren't so black and white. Doesn't matter if your doing the bad or good, but rather what path your seeking in the long run, as long as you can accept its black when its black and its white when its white so as to not confuse them for each other and lose your mind. I believe you also say they are tools to use in specific contexts of your life to either embrace the evil you've done or the good you've done so you can keep a cool head and know where you stand morally with a positive outlook. Almost like a guide to help you distinguish where we ourselves are and where other people are too. I suspect this helps the likes of you and other soldiers keep sane in an environment many lose their mind and spirit because of the morally evil things you might be involved with or experience leading a good person on a good bath that got led astray to think they are bad people because they see it all as black or white. Same thing for serving time. I could be wrong: but as far as I've guessed In this context it makes sense to me, because I hold a similar belief. If your doing something bad that helps you or that you have no other choice in to go forward, then you might as well embrace it with a positive attitude. Just because you've done wrong before, doesn't mean you have to look at yourself with a negative outlook, especially when your seeking the forgiveness of god. But at the same time you need to know in your core what you did was wrong "hold a strong core" this will keep you on the path of good and make you strive for a positive balance. You really gave me a fresh outlook, and these lyrics make me feel better about some of the evil things I had to do and still do to get by in this increasingly difficult economy. At the end of the day its more important what path I seek, not what evil paths I was led astray to at one point or another and had to survive through to live. Keep writing/rapping. And please PM a song link if you turn this into a song or have other rap songs recorded. I'd love to hear em mate. Cheers
  11. You had me on the edge of my seat the whole way through. Fantastic song. I wouldn't change a thing. It's nice to see someone chose to write about a topic that is not written about too often. It sure felt like it came from the heart. I can tell you probably wrote this about someone you feel strongly about. Please do this justice with beautiful instrumentation (assuming your going to make a song of it). I want to listen to it and be able to say "Yes he sure did the lyrics justice ". Thanks for sharing bloodshot. I hope you upload more of your lyrics in future. Oh and please let me know if you turn this into a song...
  12. I can imagine it being sung in my head. Which is more then I can say for most songs I've heard here. The lyrics are very cool. They will sit nicely in the genre you write, and suite the style well, not that its a big deal anyway how well the lyrics suite the style. I'm digging your current version and like the way the structure develops. I especially think the use of single phrasing for parts like the " I I I am karma" are a really cool way to give variation to the vocal rhythm. The real test now is how well it all flows to the music. I think your ready to record a draft of guitar and vocals and upload it for some feedback! Can't wait to hear it.
  13. The use of others names makes it personal. It's very hard to pull off without making your song seem like it was written by a bass player. (the old joke is they change the name for every girl they play it to) I like the idea of the song, but there's no hook line, and the structure is ABABAB with no line that stands out from the others besides "you make life so beautiful". Also there's nothing in here that moved me emotionally and it started off a bit awkwardly. Overall I'm not impressed and advise you write some poetry before you write any more songs as practise By all means if the music was written before the lyrics, I want to hear this because you may just have created something unique and innocent. But if these lyrics are your beginning then I'm afraid to say they weren't inspired by enough spirit. Don't say it, but rather help them see it and feel it. It's not about the words, its about the meaning behind them. Every word should have a purpose. Many lines you've written in this song for example say the same thing in a different way. Which is what you want to avoid. Example: " if they just lowered their eyes and looked into your heart" already implies the way she is is already beautiful they are just not looking in the right place. So why go and say " the way you are is what makes you beautiful?" when it was already implied earlier? It all goes back to saying more with less! The more you say with less, the more people will enjoy reading it. That's why you should consider using a metaphor for what she is. It's a clever way of forcing people to visualise something that is symbolic of what that person is like or what they are going through. Which helps the reader become more empathetic provided they have been through that themselves or known someone who has. It also creates the potential for multiple different interpretations of what that metaphor could mean. Which makes it fun to think about and makes it more meaningful. These are just some things to think about. By all means re-post if you think you've learnt from your mistakes and I'l happily re-evaluate. Just know that even those who have the skill and have learnt the lessons, can't execute it creatively when there isn't enough inspiration. Inspiration is your best friend to grow.
  14. Why change it if it works and serves its purpose? I think most of your original advice was bad. They told you to change things that worked. The only issue I had with your first post was that it was ABABAB. But besides the obvious need of adding more sections to it so its less chorus dominant the lyrics were splendid and very likeable. It obviously needed a bridge and possibly a variation to the verse with more layering if the song didn't have enough happening. Now you completely changed the lyrics and I feel paid the price for it. It's turned from a song that carried inspiration and wit, to a song that feels like it was forced to appease a demographic. f*ck peoples opinions on your lyrics unless its actually relevant to the structure. If the original inspiration for the song wasn't strong enough to make you keep most of the lyrics after you made changes, then the song wasn't powerful enough to begin with and your 99/100 times going to waste your time continuing with it. Maybe consider moving on?