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Servus

Sticking Around
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    29
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Community Reputation

4 Neutral

About Servus

  • Rank
    Starting To Play

Contact Methods

  • MSN
    Just send me a PM on here, and if things go well we can communicate on a better medium
  • Website URL
    (this is for my song demo uploads)

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Australia
  • Interests
    music and life

Music Background

  • Band / Artist Name
    Servus
  • Musical / Songwriting / Music Biz Skills
    eh
  • Musical Influences
    does it matter?

Collaboration

  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Interested

Critique Preferences

  • Getting Critique
    Any and All
  1. Not good enough

    Ok so here is the rough ass Idea I recorded from my crap phone mic. I wanted to get in and record a demo to a click track with digital software, but I've been too damn busy working like a slave. Please excuse my horrible singing (i'm not actually a singer), and me running out of breath during the second verse. This is more to show you roughly how I envision the vocals and rhythm guitar to work together. As always, give me some brutal feedback! NotGoodenough Verse 1+2.mp3 NotGoodEnough Chorus.mp3 NotGoodEnough Outro.mp3
  2. Not good enough

    Ok so these are the new amended lyrics I'm about to record a demo to: After trying to sing the verses as written previously I found some issues with the flow and choice of words. thin hips, arms wide small heart, weak mind tight rooms confined not good enough for me rough skin fake smile bad nails, no style pretty faced, exile not good enough for me diamond eyes, sharp tongue thin framed, high strung unstable yet still young not good enough for me Looking seeking, breathing selling sucking speaking hiding, riding gleaming sleeping dreaming always awake, dreaming, awake, dreaming new clothes fast ride worn out, red eyed abusing to subside not good enough for me horserace forced charm studded body, sleeved arm well hidden self harm not good enough for me long legged, smooth grace cruel lips, grim face that money can't replace not good enough for me Looking seeking, breathing selling sucking speaking hiding, riding gleaming always sleeping dreaming awake, dreaming, awake, dreaming Bridge x3 of me when I'l be running up you can never get enough of me will I be scratching my eyes to get the image out
  3. Not good enough

    Oh BTW, I know it's implied the song is most likely about a female prostitute: BUT Sugar baby can be a male. It's usually a female but it only refers to the younger recipient. As for man grace, it is simply a description. Being graceful while portraying other characteristics more commonly associated as being masculine. I thought it would evoke thoughts of assertiveness, confidence or power with the movements. So I feel It could either be a man with smooth movements or a women who moves gracefully but also shares some characteristics that the male would usually have instead. This is contrasted by the features, that they were born with and disposition they can't fix or change with money. Again this line probably wasn't clearly enough conveyed. I keep thinking I'm leaving Easter eggs, but instead it looks like I'm just confusing people and limiting their imagination. At the end of the day I just want people to want to see it from both sides clearly. But I suppose this opens up that whole other can of worms: which is when an artist does write it from both perspectives; Do the people catch on? If you see it from a mans perspective only, then I should really smash down that barrier and focus on making it more relate-able. Although those words seemed clear in that context to me, I can see why you would think it is only from one perspective. I'm really glad you pointed that out. Clarity is a big one.
  4. Not good enough

    Rick, you just said what I have been thinking. That is the part about making it fit for both. Spot on mate with the suggestion for v5-6. Unfortunately if I do that though I will lose the original inspiration of the lyrical theme which was the way I feel about female prostitutes. But I guess changing the theme to be more universally relate-able is a step forward. I'm glad you also think some parts don't flow very well. I suspect it's verse 5-7 that have too many syllables. If I can't get the rough demo I'm recording to sound decent on guitar and vocals using those later verse lyrics, I'l redo those verses before I upload the demo to this page. Will be uploaded on Saturday so you can hopefully give me more criticism
  5. Not good enough

    Yeah that capital lettering was a mistake. i'l fix that up now. Thanks for the feedback though, I'l upload the vocals plus guitar demo from my phone mic on Saturday. Glad you think it flows all the way through. Was starting to think verse 5-8 had too many syllables.
  6. Not good enough

    hahaha , no i appreciate the feedback I guess it could potentially be seen as a good thing
  7. Not good enough

    Mate I'm really proud my lyrics inspired you to do that! Good stuff, Reminds me of tears for fears! really cool song You'l probably have a good chuckle when you hear the style I had intended bahaha
  8. Not good enough

    I think the story/theme behind these lyrics is pretty self explanatory. However, I want to know if any of you can figure it out anyway without reading the comments. While your at it, give me some brutally honest feedback for structure lyrics and flow- Cheers Verse- thin hips arms wide small heart big mind tight rooms confined not good enough for me rough skin fake smile bad nails no style pretty faced exile not good enough for me horse-race forced charm studded body sleeved arm well hidden self harm not good enough for me Chorus- x2 Looking seeking breathing, selling sucking speaking hiding riding gleaming, ALWAYS sleeping/dreaming Verse- new clothes fast ride worn out red eyed sugar baby dreams bride not good enough for me short legged man grace cruel lips grim face that money can't replace not good enough for me weak muscled meat toy playing like a good boy spreading legs yet still coy not good enough for me Chorus- x2 Looking seeking breathing, selling sucking speaking hiding riding gleaming, ALWAYS sleeping/dreaming Bridge/outro x3 (pans out in volume) of me when I'l be running up you can never get enough of me will I be scratching my eyes to get the image out
  9. Bumpy love

    I wrote this one about the desensitization of peoples dopamine receptors. It can literally relate to any form of addiction, brain desensitization, or anything that can have a significant bad effect on your health. It was initially written to spread awareness for the pro's of no-fap/no porn reset periods. Any addiction/fetish or habit that can set an unnaturally high peak in your dopamine is said to have a similar effect on your sex drive. As always, I ask for your brutal honesty. Don't be afraid to mention any concerns you might have about the current arrangement/structure. Verse- Feel the bumpy love run through my skin As the questions fade the answers reel me in pushing through the time i lost before re-exploring things alone battling a war Now i know that time is on my side to spit me it out and let me wear my pride Just when i deserve to bust my sin Another answer reels me in Keep it going for the final wave forget the fantasy become the slave provoke passion, evade surrender remember the purpose of your gender Depending on the nerves that trigger fun Could be months before this battle's won no warrior can win it all alone so stop cowering inside your home Bridge- Temptations rising the heart is pumping my mind is racing please keep me still the heart is rising temptations climbing the waves are flowing I can't keep still Chorus- x2 and please WAKE UP your sleeping again surrender to repent, disgrace remember pride comes with your gender Verse- if cheap thrills lead your mind astray then you've been broken too long anyway why not fix it all with just one fight bear the brunt of heartache re-ignite if your going where you've gone before then it's time you open another door and stop waiting for the day to come when things miraculously change sacrifice and patience rewires hearts and heals minds that dragged you worlds apart hidden in your dark hole below not wanting to leave, explore, connect or go follow the trail of your heart not mind don't follow others in your wake see it for what it's today not whats been before, to see the snake Chorus-x2 and please WAKE UP (or AWAKE) your sleeping again surrender to repent, disgrace remember pride comes with your gender Bridge- Temptations rising the heart is pumping my mind is racing please keep me still the heart is growing temptations slowing your presence glowing to keep me still
  10. Trust Vs Mistrust

    This one was written about an ancient native american legend about two wolves. I wrote it after being attacked by someone close in my family who I have since forgiven for the act. I wanted to bring more awareness to the wisdom of the native american people and especially remind others of the benefits of self awareness and letting go of the ego. Most people are aware of the poison from alcohol, but cannot see the way hate and ego also poisons the heart and mind. Once you can see it in yourself, you can see it in the world around you. I believe being able to notice how frequently someone is feeding which wolf is the key to understanding which one is winning the battle eternally. Here is the story: An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” Trust Vs Mistrust I thought i knew everything about you i trusted eyes i could not see i thought i knew everything about you i was betrayed and now i know what to be what to be what to be, to you: Cold mistrusting, bold suspicious aware of webs inside your mind cautious of the cruel intentions unravelling when you unwind You're feeding the darker wolf inside you're feeding it with me you're feeding the darker wolf inside you're feeding it with me Brave new worlds breeding prevention Is over looked by those in fear controlling what will go inside the child to keep the furthest away near That's why all the population listens to lies that eat their time submitting to the ways of profit always thinking they are in their prime These illusions making women choosy soldiers are tense and unaware backed by governments laughing at victims because kangaroo courts never care Bold suspicious fast conviction merciless to those like me abusing them for your greater good i was blind to it but now i see You're feeding the darker wolves inside you're feeding them with me you're feeding the darker wolves inside you'l be feeding them with me Edited June 1 by Servus
  11. Going Away

    Very Beatles influenced. Sounds like a bad guitar and bad mic were used in combination. I've done better demo's on the old school tape decks zeppelin use to record on (had one as a kid). Go digital with the vocals, and do the guitar with a semi acoustic you can plug in digitally until you have access to better mics for acoustic recording (you need a decent one for that). I hate to say it, but the source sound does matter. Even Syd Barret played a decent guitar for his demos. Also if your not good at mastering pirate some software and take some tutorials. You need to get the hang of mastering so you can eliminate those annoying hums you get for guitar. You don't do your demo's justice as they are. No point in making it sound bad for the sake of it. You aren't writing grudge after all hehe On a positive note, I love the Beatles and I liked this songs mellow vibe. Nice write Reminds me of more innocent times. I can see its great potential, but I hope others can see past the bad quality and annoying hum in the background in order to see what I see. Good luck, and keep writing mate! Can't get enough of this writing style.
  12. Quiet Ninga- Trust Issues

    Is that you playing keys in the beginning? Very nice riff. I think that 1:06-1:25 really needs a syncopated beat in the background with the mids and lows cut out, I'm thinking something rising in volume steadily. I could show you an example: (2:01- 2:17 in this song I linked below) Would add a nice contrast to the drum beat at 2:17 (it would come in with more effect and punch, and make that beat sound more groovy) I also think at 1:26 You need to switch it up by introducing a variation of that same beat that lasts until the next break at 2:10. Switch up the snare accents to better match the altered vocal rhythm. This is just advice from a drummer. Don't get me wrong the current beat works, but you need to add some variation in that section and you need to EQ it a bit punchier as this is the core of the song. Maybe even get the vocalist to increase his dynamics for that section if you want as a trial. This is just general composition advice though. Sounds to me like you didn't experiment much with the arrangement so far. Or maybe this guy wants it super simple. But you do have lots of options to have fun now! So mix it up homie. I might be stepping out of my league saying this, as you only asked for production advice. I can't give you any production advice as the mixing and levels are on point . I'd personally increase the drums to be a tad loader over-all (like 5%) and maybe the mid's of the vocals by a tad (5%). But hard to tell how that will effect the melody layer. Hope this feedback is of some use to you..
  13. I'm Comin After You

    hahaha what a great piece. Fun, entertaining, ballsy (it's strongest characteristic), and above all else saying it as it is. It's a sad story, but its relevant to so many homeless people out there. I was having dinner with my father one day in this restaurant here in the city of Sydney. We saw this homeless man, and my father gave him some money. He never usually gives to the homeless. He told me that man use to be a pilot and had a wife and kids. A stewardess attempted to seduce him at work and he refused. Two weeks later he was accused of sexual harassment and had to go to court. He was judged guilty as one of the stewardesses friends who worked with her apparently claimed to be an "eye witness" to something that never happened. You can guess the rest of the story. He lost his job and had to pay her off thousands. His hot wife divorced him and took his house and kids. He felt betrayed by the forces unknown for being a good person and doing the right thing, so started drinking and doing illegal acts to make money. He became convinced this world was made to hurt the honest and the fair. Eventually it brought him to such a low point that he couldn't even make enough money to drink from his crimes. He became a beggar. One day my father saw him on the street and felt really sad for him, telling him he had the eyes of a good person and gave him 5 bucks. This is when the man proceeded to tell him his story. You sound like your writing from experience... But i suspect it is a reference to the world we live in that takes advantage of many of those who started with good intentions and changes them into bitter people once they lose what they had with good intention and belief and hope. Reminds of a line in this OSI song that goes "Hope is a candle that feedsOff the air till it leaves almost nothing". You can keep writing fantastic lyrics like this, but if people like me don't hear these great tracks finished to do the lyrics justice,(even as a demo) then your not going to evolve as a song writer. So please, HAUL ASS and record this song. Upload a song critique of it as it's perfect the way it is. Do it for yourself if for anyone. One can't write this well and then let it crumble to dust. It would be such a pity!
  14. Wonder If I"ll Ever Get Home (Blues)

    In my opinion it needs a stronger more established rhythm or some rhyme to make it flow more freely. Unless it was written to be spoken. But the way you repeat some lines contradicts that. "when people speak they rarely repeat the same line 10 seconds later" So ahh, yeah make it flow nicer maybe put in a nice hook line to begin the verse after the chorus and don't forget to change up the dynamics a bit when you record to give it variation in intensity. Other than that the line "ball o'fire" didn't really resonate well with me. Wasn't sure what that meant in the context. Everything else was clear. I mean it is blues after all, shouldn't be very cryptic to begin with anyway. Nice song. Maybe just needs a more personal touch, either in the singing style or attitude of the way its sung. Seems a bit boring to me as it is without being able to hear you sing it. If you can make the lyrics feel personal with the way you deliver and execute a fat guitar then yeah, don't see why the the content needs to change. I'd probably suggest recording a demo as it is. Could be great for what it is already? It's really hard to critique the lyrics without music. Definitely not anything too special though as lyrics go, but it could be a cool song. I've been on those long journeys home after a night of long drinking and felt like I was never going to get home. Bluesy theme for sure. I hope you write a song about a long drunken walk home one day. I've never heard anyone write about that. Also PM me any great blues artists you like. I'd be keen to hear your favourites
  15. Night Stripper

    "Yes I did lift a couple of lines from that well known song" Are you talking about the stripper song? Because I don't see any similarities there. Anyway, I loved these lyrics. I've had similar thoughts on my mind about this women I want to date who works in a questionable place too. Solid structure and great flow. Lets hear you pump out a demo? I'd be happy to give the song some critique once the demo's uploaded. In any case I think it's ready to bake in the oven overnight as it is. Good stuff mate! cheers for sharing
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