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retro

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About retro

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    Sticky Member
  • Birthday 01/11/1950

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    United States of America
  • Interests
    Singing, cooking, cutting up, Watching "Idol" Dating (about once a decade of late), writing (literary as well as lyrics/poems), attending sporting events, long walks early and late

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  • Musical / Songwriting / Music Biz Skills
    lyricist

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    Interested

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    Any and All

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  1. Life Ain't For Sissies

    Sorry for the disappearance. Puter crashed and I lost 75 tabs I left open, always. An email today is what alerted me to Songstuff. Nou, sorry, I wrote the way I sing it, in one long breath per line in verses. Ch & Br are slower. Will try to remember to make it easier for reading, should I ever write one like this again. As to the 14 centuries ago, as they say, if u have to explain it.... OK, in a nutshell, since WWII a LOT of soldiers have died on foreign soil for no apparent purpose according to some. Others have returned to be spat app't. That was very true of Nam Vets. Thank you kindly for your well-thought out post. I appreciate it! tomcollins Thanks for your input. If the trend toward socialism continues, freedom will be lost, IMO. Hi Peggy, Something very rare, for me, happened with this write. I wrote the words to fit the tune that popped in! Well, for the verses, anyway. I chose "but" because that is the main theme of the composition--freedom. Thanks you for weighing in. And, sorry, I don't know how to do this. I copied the entire page, pared it down in wordpad, and this is the result. LOL I appreciate it.
  2. Secret Message

    Secret Message © BFB 6/2/2017 Dropped in on Beggar's Banquet for some fish cakes A smell of hashish meant the chef was stoned Dear Doctor, help, if they start serving raw steak (One more shot) Or sushi overcooked and filled with bones The cover charge is stiff, but after entry Mixed drinks at fifty pence, you'll let it loose The barkeep offers sympathy aplenty (Backstreet girl) Just jump off of her cloud, no parachute Want nineteen nervous breakdowns? Turn that forty-five around Wait for the secret message Charlie says the war is now But there's just one secret message Jumpin' Jack stole Liz's crown Turn up the jukebox, Jigsaw Puzzle's playing With Satan in the lyrics, listen close For Mick becomes a stray cat when he's ailing (Burden's beast) A prodigal who street fights holy ghosts The factory, that's where the girls audition Brown sugars vie for trips to KR's spa Sometimes saltines might even get a listen (Hey, negrita) If Mother's little helpers burn their bras Forget no expectations Turn that forty-five around Another secret message Trump will cause the world to drown Not a really secret message Hear the snowflakes as they melt
  3. I Am Karma (EXPLICIT)

    Sorry if this has been addressed. No time to read all the crits, just the first few. I'd like to hear this. Looks very promising. Sug. for the first 2 lines. What you dish out becomes a shroud, they say Shovel shit and you'll get hit, some day
  4. Secret Message

    Hey, Peggy, I can promise you this. No matter what else, one thing I ain't "got" is music for it! Thank you!
  5. Life Ain't For Sissies

    This was a very quick write, so there should be flaws aplenty. If not, well, either y'all ain't trying orI ought to have way more money that I do. © Ben Burton 4/16/2017 It don't count for nothing if you risk your life for something that ain't worth dying for Though they still hand out medals that's for settling accounts with those left crying, evermore You can't lend protection to a people who're projecting you're their lifelong enemy Never turn a profit and there's just no way to solve it after fourteen centuries This life ain't made for sissies Or socialist decrees This life ain't made for sissies But it's easier if you're free Marching in a protest to get paid is half as grotesque as a shooter in a school Closing off your mind to anyone not on your side is done by sleepwalking fools When you wear your pants below your ass you won't advance beyond the minimum wage If you toe the line but you still find yourself behind, if you give up, you're to blame This life ain't made for sissies Or socialist decrees This life ain't made for sissies But it's easier if you're free We can't save the world from all its woes We can't force our values down their throats We can only hope and pray and vote Tryin' to delay the day, humanity implodes repeat chorus
  6. Upside of Lonely

    Just about to leave, but wanted to say I like this simple lyric--the type that would easily accommodate a beautiful melody. More on my return. Hold me to it!!! LOL Actually, I'm probably partial to this for incorporating a technique I used in a book I wrote. Conversation between 2 main characters. Can't exactly recall, but she says, "Since you're so concerned about life passing you by, find yourself a boring girl to marry. That will really slow down time...or seem to, anyway." Your lyric, obviously, is both sarcastic and very sad. The only part I'm not feeling is the bridge. That first line is so used. Suggie "Someday my life may resume Until then, lonely will do (or: will hafta do)
  7. I Hate to Be / Roi

    Let me be clear, ROI. If I write a long crit and get a terse reply, like "Thanks?" Uh, do NOT hold your breath on my returning! LOL So, MAYbe, perhaps...it is your English lacking a bit, in that you think you've made it clear she IS a good friend. I don't see that. Were you to make it clear, THEN it would make sense. Obviously, it's a story that's been told a million times, but so what? Go for a million and one!
  8. Secret Message

    Well, I'm glad you appreciated it, T. Thank you for those overly kind words!
  9. I Hate to Be / Roi

    Hi, Roi, w/o going into much detail... First, from your use of English, I would never know it isn't your native tongue. From that aspect, this is quite a well-written piece. You seem to have followed the "rules" of songwriting (as I know them, at least, which isn't saying much lol). Here's my problem. I see it constantly. We've got a singer who is just begging for another shot at someone who royally RUINED their life. Plenty of mediocre, or worse, lyrics, have "made" it because of great music. I just don't know who will identify with something like you have here, aside from people into B&D, perhaps! If you don't give us a REASON for him to be missing this person, it's hard to even care. Oh, you do mention, in the chorus, something that almost sounds like a bonding " Wanna hear your voice laughing with me" BUT, there's absolutely no indication that anything of that nature ever took place. Best of luck.
  10. If She Heard This Song

    Sorry, I didn't realize you had responded to my crit. One part...you said you've never heard the "Wrapped up in your arms" line. You need only google, to find bunches. Of course, one might pose the question, "Well, if it's in this many songs, at what point did it become trite?" LOL Got me!!! Here's one link: https://www.bing.com/search?q=wrapped+up+in+your+arms&pc=MOZI&form=MOZSBR
  11. Am I Asking For Too Much?

    This has potential, but I think you need less repetition and less exasperation from the singer. Here's a quick idea regarding less repetition, Verse 2, JUST a thought! Every time you pass me by My eyes get moist, my mouth gets dry I try to find a line What I rehearsed, you'd never buy Wish you could just see What you mean to me But you’re not like me Very few people would express themselves in this manner: ".. my lust for you will never undo" Sounds like a stretch for a rhyme. And, this: "...This feeling I just can’t hide" is Yoda-speak. As I alluded to, this reeks of too much desperation. The lyrics make the title seem far-fetched. Apparently, she shows zero interest in him, he never talks to her ("..as you walk on by"), and if he did, he wouldn't get to first base, due to his overt lust. He is, indeed asking for too much. Way too much. But you can fix that. I like your hook.
  12. Secret Message

    Secret Message © Ben Burton April, 2017 Dropped in on Beggar's Banquet for some tea cakes A smell of hashish meant the chef was stoned Dear Doctor, help, if they start serving raw steak Or sushi overcooked and filled with bones The cover charge is stiff, but after entry Mixed drinks at fifty pence, you'll let it loose The barkeep offers sympathy aplenty Just jump off of his cloud, no parachute Forget all expectations Turn that forty-five around Could be a secret message Don't let Charlie bang you down If he hears a secret message Hold your breath, it's over now Turn up the jukebox, Jigsaw Puzzle's playing With Satan in the lyrics, listen close For Mick becomes a stray cat when he's ailing A prodigal who street fights holy ghosts Forget all expectations Turn that forty-five around Could be a secret message Don't let Charlie bang you down If he hears a secret message Hold your breath, it's over now
  13. Impressions Welcome

    Hi, this seems to me to be one that will rely heavily on music to make it work. You have a lot of images with little storyline. Not saying that's a bad thing. "So Lonesome I could cry" was just that. But, your rhymes are few. I like the greasy boxcar/hearse image. I would ditch "On that u can rely" Too poetic/trite. Maybe, "Unless you change your mind" Good luck with it!
  14. If She Heard This Song

    (Vs) I had to have it my way I just wouldn't compromise Everything was what I wanted I wouldn't have it otherwise Every line in verse 1 says the same thing. No precious progress made, story-wise. (Vs) She tried her best to reach me Tried to warn me gracefully I dismissed her like a servant Now I'm a slave to misery Same lack of story line advancement with first 2 lines here. Nice play on "servant" "slave" (Ch) If she heard this song, would she come back again? If I bore my soul, would she want me then? I need her to hear, I see that I was wrong, but would she even care if she heard this song? "...bore my soul" isn't very "song-ish." (Vs) Wrapped up in paying the bills but not in her arms at night Drinking to much when I was stressed; purposely picking a fight First line is very cliched, even the "wrapped up" part. I know you're shooting for the double off of "wrap," but... (Vs) Hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I was blind This song that I've just written is all that she left behind Don't see where this adds anything, but another cliche (Bridge) I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool" Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you" I'd try to approach this, after the negativity of the entire lyric, with a more positive spin, telling her he's sorry and WHY he needs her back, not merely "nothings worth losing you". This has an easy flow to it and is well-metered. You might consider showing some details. As is, I feel like I have seen this lyric hundreds of times since I first entered a lyric critique site about 10 years ago. Good luck.
  15. Figure it Out

    Hi Noob, Since I type slowly, I go to the point. I wish I had a review I still recall from one of the first lyrics I posted for critique. It would fit here, nicely. In fact I'm pretty sure it had the "love" & "dove" rhyme, which I was told is a no-no. Unless you are a singer-songwriter, who can make the tune fit the words, you want to shoot for lines that feel rhythm even w/o music. Your meter is out of whack, right away. But first, a quick peek at the first 3 lines. You say that you're so incredible (OK, HE'S A NARCISSIST, WHICH SHOULD TURN THE SINGER RIGHT OFF LOL) I figured out that you're really not that cool (NOW, THE SINGER HAS FIGURED OUT HE IS NARCISSISTIC) Over and over I fall for the same mistakes (SO...I GUESS SHE DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT, AFTER ALL) Even though love is often irrational, a lyric needs to grab the listener in a way that is identifiable and interesting. Here, you're just expressing some rather incoherent thoughts. Briefly, as to meter. Read your second line aloud, noticing where each...I FIGured OUT that YOU'RE really NOT that COOL ("you just aren't" in the place of "you're really" would fit) The fifth line does not align with it.............................YOU igNORED my WORDS to reLEASE the DOVES Then, you next MIDDLE line is even less metered..... In the END, we all SEE the same SUN (Of course, you could change the emphasis, but it would still not be aligned for a songwriter) Hope that helps a twitch. . Oh, and I was told the following back then (9 years ago), which turned out to be great advice. Critique others as often as possible. Also, even MORE important at the beginning, READ other critiques. You'll be able to tell, pretty quickly, who knows their stuff. Good luck.
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