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LooknGlass last won the day on February 12

LooknGlass had the most liked content!

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About LooknGlass

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    Critique Freak
  • Birthday March 18

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    United States of America
  • Interests
    Reading, Writing, Photoshop, Golf, Computer repair, Various styles of music


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    Beatles, George Jones, Aerosmith, Collective Soul, Phil Keggy, Tom Petty, Garth Brooks, Neil Young, Eagles, Tobey Keith

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    Give It To Me Both Barrels

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  1. Thanks to everyone for their critique. I usually like to address all individually, but I'm swamped. It's evident that the consensus is that it is indeed cliched, so I am beginning the rewrite. A lot of helpful comments from everyone, A lot!.. I appreciate it a whole bunch. In the coming days, I'll be posting ideas
  2. Thanks for the look over and your thoughts retro, appreciated. Usually I agree that different lines should convey something new, and usually try harder to do that, but the melody kinda dictated a different approach for me. Instead of stand alone lines dictating the progression, the verses as a whole did. With the first addressing how he himself acted, reiterating in frustration his fault throughout the entire verse, and the second telling of her trying to reach him about what he was doing, and how he reacted to that. I admit it needs work, no doubt, and it didn't unfold as well as I wanted (which is why it has sat awhile on my HD, while I waited for better words to come) but I am going to a least try and keep each verse as a whole with a different aspect of what's going on, I just need to do it better. When it comes to "Bore my soul"...I gotta disagree, everything's songish if done right With the melody I have in mind it slides by like butter. Whenever I get this to music, I'll let you be the judge of that, it could be subjective possibly. As for; Wrapped up in paying the bills but not in her arms at night I myself have never heard that phrase in a song, and thought I came up with it. If it's cliched, or has been used, and I used it subconsciously, I totally missed it, and will definitely have to change it. I agree and have been contemplating a positive spin toward the end, but I don't want it too positive, the song is a pinning song with the intent being, that those who have lost their woman, can send the song as their sorry. But, intent and execution are different things. It needs a lot of work for sure, which is exactly why I posted it here. Maybe you can help me with what progress you see happening, especially between the first two verses. This is a lyric that I looked at and looked at, until I was overthinking it, and basically did nothing to it.
  3. "still wonder if it's to many "I" in such a small space. Makes it sound more about the singer then about her hearing" You may be right about that, imma thinkin on it and what maybe to do. And I think I will drop the 3rd verse also. I'll try to get to this this week, I have to finish up some other stuff for a vocalist, and I'll jump back on it. Thanks Tom!
  4. Maybe he was afraid someone would actually hear my voice...lol
  5. Thanks Tom, I appreciate the listen and the nice comment, I'm still gun shy with a mic. I must admit I don't know which one you heard, but I'm guessin it was "More Than I Can Chew". I'm just on my first cup of joe, so after the cobwebs are gone I'll get around to thinking and commenting on what ya said in "If She Heard This Song" which I got open in another tab. Peace man, see ya in the forum!
  6. Good write Tom, I like the theme and direction. Just to throw out an idea..since you know she's out there, and wonder if she will take a chance with you again, in the second verse, instead of knowing she's laying there awake thinking of times you shared, maybe you could wonder if she is...Like' Somewhere, Girl somewhere Could you be laying awake Thinking of the times we shared Wanting to drift away too It's late and something was said about a bridge. So I will read again tomorrow. This is the only idea in the lyric that came to mind, cause it's good already. I don't see anything I could offer....I'll hop in, in the morning over coffee and read again. Good stuff
  7. I like this a lot, good write. The thing that really stuck out for me, is what Tom mentioned I can’t see your heart from here Who we were has disappeared I have no prob with near rhymes, they can work well., it's just the flow seems of as a read. Now, how it's articulated in song can make this a mute concern if done right, but as a read, it does seem off a tad. Now that can be subjective, but since I think this is a very good write, I had to throw out my take on it. Maybe; "Who we were is gone I fear" or something along those lines. But, like I say, that can be a subjective thing. Very nice write regardless.
  8. I like an abstract lyric, this kept me reading and pulled me in. Hot jazz From underground The kind that sticks And burns your skin I'm not quite sure what it's conveying, but I like these lines a lot. Just something there I think once it's set to music we'll have a better feel for it as a whole, including the "Blue" you mentioned. I would be very interested in hearing the tune.
  9. This is something I wrote and it's set awhile. Thoughts and ideas appreciated. (Vs) I had to have it my way I just wouldn't compromise Everything was what I wanted I wouldn't have it otherwise (Vs) She tried her best to reach me Tried to warn me gracefully I dismissed her like a servant Now I'm a slave to misery (Ch) If she heard this song, would she come back again? If I bore my soul, would she want me then? I need her to hear, I see that I was wrong, but would she even care if she heard this song? (Vs) Wrapped up in paying the bills but not in her arms at night Drinking to much when I was stressed; purposely picking a fight (Vs) Hindsight is 20/20 and I see that I was blind This song that I've just written is all that she left behind (Bridge) I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool" Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you" (Ch) If she heard this song, would she come back again? If I bore my soul, would she want me then? I need her to hear, I see that I was wrong, but would she even care if she heard this song @ L. James Tanner
  10. Thanks Lisa!...I still don't know if I can hold a tune!..lol.. It took A LOT of takes on parts of this to get it to come out right (or close to right), but it was fun
  11. Thank ya Les, appreciate it man
  12. Thank you Fern, I appreciate the comment and listen
  13. Thank ya, I appreciate it
  14. Really like your tune, and the tone of your voice fits great with the storytelling (which I like very much), and very nice guitar work. Nice job!
  15. Thanks very much for the listen, and for the nice comment. I got lucky getting in with this bunch