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snabbu

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snabbu last won the day on May 31

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About snabbu

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    Songsmith

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    garycyeomans

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    Australia

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    Gary Yeomans
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    Beatles
    Dylan

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  1. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    Hi Patty What I had in mind was this. Living as we do (A) Loving who we are (X) Sharing life together (x) Table for two (A) Rhyme resolution on the hook Just me and you (A) reinforce hook Table for two (A) hook repetition The reason for that choice is I sort of feel if you have two more non rhyming lines it might be too much tension, for the feel of the song. But you could try that and see how it feels. Also I couldn't think of any good sharing living loving ideas to put in there. Cheers Gary
  2. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    Hi Patty Oh yes, sorry, I forgot.I sympathise, I can I say I am sick of your president, and your parliaments. I have had them up to my neck. This constant stuff about the Russians, the constant leaking, government by twitter. I am sitting watching the news and I have lyric going round in my head and the hook is "are you going flakey on us" After more than 80 years of fighting in every conflict together, supporting every sanction etc. it's like i'm saying maybe it's time to get in bed with the Chinese and ditch the alliance cause there is some weird stuff coming out America. And it annoys me because it seems such a mistake. I like to spend three days in central park every couple of years, walk the skyline garden, see how its getting on. If my timings right go up to new England to watch the leaves change. But it kind of feels things have changed and I won't feel so at home there anymore. I think it's such a shame. And I guess you need to hear what your countries friends are saying about you and it's not good. But you need to know I guess. The last time I got cross with America was all that fuss that was made about slick willy and Monica. I'm like well embarrassing, and I hope Hilary takes to him with a hickory stick, but really the way it went on, it totally overshadowed some of the great things that man achieved. In foreign policy. And i'm looking at all your positions and doing the maths about 30 % of married men playing away and I'm thinking yea sanctimonious. Anyway enough about your big political mistake, I am sure you will find a way to solve it. Cheers Gary PS. There is always doctor google http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/common-or-garden https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/common_or_garden_variety
  3. Tell Me What You Feel

    Yes I think Tom is at heart still a naughty boy. Which is OK. This was for Toms wife so it went through a long and tortuous editing process from his original draft. It was forensic because it was important that it be right. It's quite a clear memory because i was at the beach in Queensland on my iPad going through the edits with my feet in the sand. Poor Tom was across the other side of the world dealing with this awful situation. So it was incongruous as well ($50.00 word ) ha. What Tom ended up with was I think the best the song could possibly be, and that is all anyone can ask for I think. I thought he did a great job of tuning it, it has a very honest open feel about it. Cheers Gary
  4. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    O and Patty the last one. About the music I asked because I am lazy and if you can fix this lyric as we discussed it will be as good as anything I write so I thought I might like to do some music for it as it says what I want to say, and saves me about ten hours of working out how to say it. It also gives an opportunity to demystify the music writing process ass I can take you through the steps as I do it. And you will get a grasp of exactly how much of the music is determined by your structure and stability decisions. Cheers Gary
  5. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    I like I know you By now because its like an old slippers feeling we know we are comfortable in each others presence we don't even have to talk just feel happy sitting there looking at something. $50 words. How many times in the last three months have you been chatting with the girls and used consequential in a sentence? If the answer is none, that's how many times you should use it in a song. Especially when your rhyming it. Because we are going too say that's just there to rhyme, no one other than lawyers use that word. So we will say you are either a lawyer or a fake. I'm not sure which is worse. Does (almost) every song need stability contrast between parts? (Serious question, not a challenge.) This is a good question but the answer is not simple. Well the simple answer is yes, mostly, but that really doesn't answer your question properly. Art relies on contrast. lets talk colour theory as an example that you can see. Because it's clear it's a fact. Yellow next to purple. Both the yellow and the purple appear brighter and pop when they are next to each other, brighter than they seem when they are next to any other colour. Why? because if you look at the colour wheel they are opposite each other. So green and orange is the same deal. In song writing, which is communication, there are challenges. 70% of verbal communication is NOT the words spoken. I repeat NOT. IT is tone of voice and body language. This explains huge rows with my lover by iMessage, the body language and tone of voice are missing, misinterpretation runs rife. But I digress. In songwriting your tone of voice is represented by the stability and instability of your song structure. You body language is represented by your phrasing. Now one of the easiest ways to create contrast between one part and another is to write one stable and the other unstable. I can not go into every possibility today because there are lots, but there are certain effects that happen to the feel of the lyric depending on what you choose. Its say you have a song that is an unstable suitable story line in both verse and chorus. If you choose to write the verse stable and the chorus unstable (by far the best choice) what will happen to is this. It will feel like the verses are statements of fact. It will feel like the chorus is the emotional reaction to those facts. This is why it's the best choice. I have no idea why this is so it just is. Bear in mind there are degrees of stability and instability. These are more of a subjective decision. If you are writing doubt or yearning that is far less unstable than loss or grief. Since you have Four elements you can use to create instability you use enough of each or only one, or two, to create just the amount of instability that you feel matches the story line of the lyric. The same goes for stable it can be very to only just. Now here you have a song where I do not feel there is any reason to use any instability, we are talking comfortable old slippers deep enduring love here there is not an unstable iota in that. So how are you going to create contrast between the parts of your song and keep the whole thing absolutely stable. You do see why the tone of this has to be calm and reassuring to fit with the story. Its on golden pond or whatever. But if you have no contrast. Oh my it's going g to drag and be boring and send me early to my hot chocolate and bed. So you need to be aware of this and make conscious decisions as to how are you going to achieve contrast when the biggest tool to do this is unavailable to you. Not only that it is completely unavailable because the song must be absolutely stable you can not even use a bit of less stable for contrast. So what do you do to stop me falling asleep. (1) Your stable rhyme scheme can be a different stable rhyme scheme that the other part (2) your even number of lines can be a different even number of lines than the other part. (3) Your even line lengths can be a different even line length that the other Part. Now my feeling is that because this has to be all very stable you need to throw the kitchen sink at the chorus as far as making it different is concerned. I would use all three. Note an issue of pace if we make the lines shorter much shorter in the chorus we create great contrast and we pick up the speed of the song, we don't but it sounds that way, so it adds excitement to the chorus. So the chorus different rhyme scheme but still stable and perfect or near perfect rhymes. Shorter line length that the verses. And a longer number of lines than the verse as restructured by me to remove the split statements and become 4 lines. so say six lines and it doesn't have to bring anything new to the chorus, Table for two Just me and you Table for two Addition or whatever. Just every difference you have will improve the contrast between the parts. Regards Gary
  6. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    Patty I need to do these separately in case I run out of time. I can go with All THAT implies. Can you tell me why it's better? Or, should I say, why THAT'S better? (1) My gut instinct tells me "that" will sing better than "it" (2) "That" refers it back to the noun previous line your "Heart" if you use it your heart is an it if you use that you are referring to the gift of your heart. (3) It just is a gut feel that "that" is more the natural state of the language. "I need to discuss these poor results with you and all that implies" Like i'm about to fire you, so it's how I would say that. Regards Gary
  7. Online Perfection

    Well I just looked at your we are lovers and it's the simple things that matters song. And I liked it a lot there is work to do on that but there is a lot that is right about it. Cheers Gary
  8. This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

    Hi Patty I am always scanning for what is not right. I am concerned about the $50 words in the bridge. Now lets talk about whats right I'm going to ask a question. Does every line in the verse support and add weight to the chorus idea. Now Im going to answer it. I don't need to give you diamonds and pearls Yes I know you by heart, you're not other girls yes You don't need to tell me flattering lies Yes You know me by heart, I'm not other guys Yes Note I have reset it to remove all your split statements. So is AABB four lines bog standard stable exactly right for the subject matter. Is it universal could it be about me Yes Is there a hook? yes "table for two" Is there a variation between rhyme scheme for the verse an chorus yes there is. Do I feel the chorus could be better yes I do. And it goes to tension and release and hook emphasis. You might want to think about this. Living as we do Loving who we are Sharing life together Table for two My reasons being the further apart the rhyme resolution the more tension. This is important in this song because there is no stability contrast possible between the different parts of the song. verse two edit on the fly Giving you my heart and all that implies Oh the bridge, I forgot the segue for the bridge must be right. ie Table for two in our special place by the window down next to the shore Laughing at strangers feeling so lucky to be Living as we do etc. I'n not writing your bridge for you I'm just showing you how it goes from here to there just like at the Brooklyn bridge. Here being the last line of the chorus there being the fist line of the next chorus. Table for two to living as we do Make it so and I think your done. Is there music? Because this is a good lyric with a bit of a tweak. Because there are a couple of Peggyisms which are well worth considering, however if you do that I would still line swap to delay the resolution. Cheers Gary
  9. Online Perfection

    Hi Patty I always try to speak the truth, and most of the time there is something wrong, or not as good as it should be, and I have too say so. In this work that is not the case so I have too say that too. I think that's wrong about the tense in this case, because it's unfolding. Think about this lets say you have a song idea. And your development strategy is to talk about the same subject in each verse in a different tense. Like past present future verses with a tense neutral chorus. A little knowledge is dangerous and a lot of people will parrot what they have heard not understanding that there are exceptions and degrees of things. People will utter inanities like under written and over produced, and if you don't know that's a trite statement you might believe it. It's just something they heard and think it is cool to say, and not helpful. Like show me the underwriting. Anyway I could say that about a lot of Paul McCartney's music. However he's making a product which is a combination of writing and production and he's very good at it. So you need to make your decisions and if you have a good and valid reason for that decision and the comment you get goes against that, and you give it genuine consideration and still decide to stick with your original decision, that is perfectly OK in your case , because your judgement is pretty sound. If I make a mistake in a lyric or it's not as good as it should be I know as soon as I read a comment that it's a good point and needs addressing. But 50 % of the time I don't agree with the comment and it's ok to say so and state your reasons why as well. Cheers Gary
  10. Tell Me What You Feel

    As in Bog standard nothing clever or fancy just plain old fashioned common or garden salt standard. Like grandma use to make or whatever the expression is in your part of the woods. Can you go and listen to Toms song "How do you say goodbye to an Angel" the links in his reply to me in his thread for his current lyric and see what you think. I am too close to it to know if the effect it has on me is my knowledge of the backstory or if its the writing. Cheers Gary
  11. I'm not perfect but my love is

    Well Tom I just listened. I started to cry after verse one because I knew what was coming, and then by the time it became obvious what was going on my throat hurt from the lump and my vision became bleary. How much of this is due to my familiarity with the story behind the song or the beautifully understated way the story is told, or the feel of the music I do not know because I am too close. As it came to a close I am thinking it's like the taj Mahal a beautiful memorial to a lover who is no longer with us. It's like Leonard going to see Suzanne as she was dying, and telling her he would be following her soon. After they had been estranged for so many years. An act of beauty amongst what could be seen as only ugliness. It is for me making a positive out of adversity. I found it very uplifting. In that way. Cheers Gary
  12. I'm not perfect but my love is

    I will go and have a listen now, I remember this, I was in Queensland it was our winter so June or July and I had taken my rv north as it was too cold here and I sat on the beach and wrote the lyric of "There will be Better days" for you. Such a tough time it was. Cheers Gary
  13. I'm not perfect but my love is

    Aha Tom. Well go to the newsagent and get a small note book and a pen. Do not go anywhere without it. Your in a bar you here someone say it's a "tough season" You write it down. You see a sign "pensioners half price" you write it down. Then when you need to write a song you expand on the theme with your laundry list. So Tough season: Footballer verse Farmer verse Chorus they all think they do it so tough Bridge: These guys in Somalia or where ever really know what tough is Chorus and you think you have it so tough. Etc. And Tom me old mate, it's so much easier to write the chorus first. Then when you are writing the bridge your segue will be perfect and when you write the verses every image will support the chorus. You can't support something that don't exist yet. The other thing is if I have to write a song and have it ready by next Monday then it always is. If like now there is no pressure it isn't I'm off playing CIV 5 when I should be writing. There was this girl on rec music makers song writers called Sheryl and she used to do these posts called "Loose Hooks" And she would just post hooks and you could write to it if you wanted. I think I wrote about six songs to her hooks and got lazy about the hook book in the process. "I never thought he'd live to see this day" "Fallen trees" "Bed and breakfast" I think all those were Sheryl, now she was a gem. Hook BOOK Tom HOOK BOOK hey that rhymes Cheers Gary
  14. Online Perfection

    I didn't mind the first tense what was your reason for editing that? I am looking at this lyric and I can see the stage setting the audience, the two actors in a split stage set up being their computers and dancing around the room that have their computers in. This is musical theatre lyric writing. It is very good and of a professional standard. Great work. Cheers Gary
  15. Tell Me What You Feel

    You can be a bit unstable in the verses but only a bit use one element of instability not several. Just enough to feel insecurity and doubt are we on or not. And we probably are or is that jus me thinking that because I want too. Just enough for that no more. The last line of verse two needs to be I think I love you. The hopeful image not a done deal. The seeming repetition is real good in the chorus. The chorus must be stable and uplifting even line lengths even number of lines and a recognisable rhyme scheme. This is not right it's just quick example of a bog stable chorus structure I would rather eat broken glass than put "eyes meet mine" in a song but to give you an idea of what I'm on about. Tell me what you feel Tell me what you need Tell me what you see When you your eyes meet mine Do you feel like me Do you need like me Do you see in me Someone for all time So that's stable as. Cheers Gary
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