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snabbu last won the day on May 31

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About snabbu

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    Gary Yeomans
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  1. Is the paragraph something like. (This guy is a bit of a looser he never finishes anything and if things get sticky he runs. But this time he's trapped by .....Kama) If so the word list is Trapped ensnared entwined caught etc. Inconsistant failure 'looser unfocused etc. Too hard difficult meaningful when the rubber meats the road etc escape abandon leave run away etc Cheers Gary
  2. laundry list time! Write a brief paragraph as to what the song is about. Then write a list of words that explain that paragraph. Or you could be slack like me and write one word to describe the paragraph the go to rhyme zone and search synonyms. Then write the two lines. Onward and upward. Cheers Gary
  3. Hi TF This is not working. However, there is something there, I don't know what it is, but I am convinced it's not the beautiful voice. So I am going to try to find out what it is that is making it not work and see if you can fix it. Song idea Nut and hook. The song is unfocused. The song is about struggle and it's morbid it is not something we want to think about. The point of making it till Sunday is not explained therefor the hook and the idea fail. Understand this very clearly. People care about themselves. this is important. No one will be interested in a song about you it has to be about them. If it is not you are communicating nothing and the song will fail. This does not mean you can not write about you, it does mean that in writing about you, I can identify with what you are writing about and say oh yea I've felt like that too. It then becomes about me and I care. When I look in there I see two ideas that I like. They are: "The hardest part of battle is preparing for war" "I'll make it to Sunday " which an edit to "I'll make it Sunday" The reason being I can see a lot of expansion on the first idea. Sub ideas. The boredom waiting, the nervousness. etc. A lot of good powerful images can be worked up around that. In the second idea if I take out the to and make it "I'll make it Sunday" Then I'm half promising to meet someone on Sunday. Who? I'm not gonna say I'm going to leave it a mystery for now, so that the listener can put in their own who and that makes it """about them""" So now I am saying what is the the basic idea of the song. And I think it should be this. There is a relationship. It is not smooth and comfortable (please don't forget how hard I fought this battle) You want to continue it. (I've made it this far) You have invested a lot of emotional capital (please don't forget how hard I out this battle), (I've made it this farI think I can go on) You are not sure you have the strength (And if I can make it I'll make it Sunday ) Because there is going to be a finalisation one way or the other. (The hardest part of battleis preparing for war.) So there is now a frame work that a lot of your lines are applicable to the theme. We do not say who we are meeting, we do not obliquely say its a show down we use the battle too show that. So in conclusion of my thoughts on the song idea. It has to be about me not you, it has to be focused, the story is now in point form. We can say to maintain focus no line in the song can not refer to one of those points. Structure comments Analysis verse one for meter, rhyme, feel and pace. I've made it this far (2) X I think I can go on (2) X Don't forget me now the winter is coming (split line removed) (5) X Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle (split line removed) (5) X Key: The bold syllables are the syllables which I would naturally emphasise in conversational english. They dictate the line length. The (2) bracketed number is the syllable count. The X is the rhyme scheme. The italicised comments are notes as to correcting set out issues. The song overall is an unstable subject. The verse is an even number of lines (stable) The line lengths are even (stable) The rhyme scheme is nothing rhymes (unstable) The result is a moderately stable structure. My subjective view is this should be wistful i.e. moderately unstable. So I can say one of the issues is a prosody issue, in that the feel and the content of the lyric do not match. There is an issue of pacing in that the line length goes 2,2,5,5 this is slowing the song down. If you simply do this you fix the pace. "Don't forget me now the winter is coming Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle I've made it this far I think I can go on" It now accelerates into the pre chorus. If you do the following, you alter the line length smoothing out the acceleration, and you destabilise ever so slightly, getting the right amount of instability in there. "Don't forget me now the winter is coming (5) Please don't forget how Hard I fought this battle (5) after all I've made it this far (3) I think I can go on" (2) The verse now smoothy accelerates into the pre chorus and its slightly unstable it has uneven line length no rhymes but pulling it back is the stable even number of lines. Contrast. Contrast light and shade tension and release is essential in all art whether it be painting or songwriting. So the parts of a song should contrast. This means the pre chorus should be stable. This will contrast against the slightly unstable verse and chorus. Because we have no rhymes in the verse we should rhyme the pre heavily. Even number of lines even line length. We have to work with: The hardest part of battle is preparing for warThe hardest part of battle is finding something to live for. The first line is focused the second is not and doesn't fit the story. Analysis of line one The hardest part of battle is preparing for war (4) You can see that is a four length and the stressed syllables are even spread. This is the template for stability plus. Now what you need is three more lines. Each line must be a 4 with if possible the stressed syllables in the same place. There must be rhymes and if possible perfect rhymes. Because its a pre chorus the rhyme scheme must not be AABB. Because that will create a pace issue of forward motion stop after line two. So preferably it should be ABAB so pace wise we are marking time, without pausing. The content of the lines must reinforce line one, be about the waiting the boredom the fear, etc. So it can be stuff like: "The hardest part of battle is preparing for war The endless denial of feelings suppressed The hardest part of battle curled up on the floor Nerves jangle stealing breath from your chest " This is an example only of rhyme scheme, meter, stress, and focus, you can write your own pre chorus. I don't want to be rewriting your lines. On the other hand if you like any feel free to use them. The chorus I'll make it someday (2) A I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it (2) a internal X I'll make it Sunday (2) X The pace of the chorus is much faster than the pre as the line lengths are half (2) rather than (4) the forward motion is marking time as all line lengths are even. The chorus is stable, which is the same as the pre. So we have two issues with the chorus. And one plus. No contrast for stability with the pre chorus and no forward motion or pausing of forward motion. The plus the pick up in pace. What we might want to do here is bring the song to a pause at the end of the chorus before we go into the bridge. The reason being to provide some space for the hook to sink in. "i'll make it Sunday". I don't want to mess with the chorus at all because it has a lot going for it. It's simple, it has seeming repetition an internal external rhyme, so it's pretty neat. so if I alter the way it's written to this. I'll make it someday (2) A I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it I'll make it Sunday (4) A or we could have this I'll make it someday (2) A And if I can make it (2) X internal if I can make it I'll make it Sunday (4) A I feel this is probably the best solution. Its slightly less stable, and the song slows down at line three which emphasises the hook. The bridge. Content: This should either now reveal what is actually going on here. If you want to you can tell the listener exactly whats occurring. This is the reveal style bridge. Or you can allude to what's going on and add more mystery if you want. You just must add something to the story. The bridge for contrast should be either very stable or very unstable because the chorus is moderately stable, so you need contrast. This is important just like a physical bridge, it goes from somewhere to some where else. The somewhere in this case is the last line of the chorus. "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday" The somewhere else is this "I'll make it someday" So the opening line of the bridge must flow from "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday" Like for example. I'l make it if I can "if I can make it I'll make it Sunday I'l make it if I can" (bridge lyric) Makes sense together. The same at the back end. although I can make no promises I promise (bridge lyric ) "I'll make it someday" So It's been a bit of time here and that's way enough to be going on with, so you might want to consider and work through some of this. But before you attack the piano again after editing for these issues there is still more to do planing wise before you do the melody. Cheers Gary
  4. Hey Patty Buy yourself a green pen and cross out every non stressed syllable that is not absolutely necessary. Remember "good grammar doth not a pop song make." "have something to say and say it economically" Pencil tapping is fine, its equivalent to a loop. However if you use loops that have drums base and a chord sequence, you can get a feel of melodic direction as well. But that is multitasking and it takes a bit of practice. Cheers Gary
  5. Hi Sreyashi If there are issues within the song that make de rhyming an issue the other things that increase instability are. Rhyme type: Perfect rhymes are most stable so you can reduce the stability by replacing perfect rhymes with subtractive rhymes ( crying/die) all the way down to consonant only rhymes which is more of a sonic connection or alliteration than a rhyme (crying/cat). Having an uneven number of lines is unstable. Having uneven line lengths is unstable. In addition there is setting of the lyric in the melody. If you set one of the sadder lines "back heavy" that will increase the emotional impact. That is instead of the first naturally stressed syllable appearing on the first beat of the bar ( front heavy) you have it on the third beat of the bar. This works with contrast as some lines are front heavy some are back heavy. Example 1 2 3 3.5 4 4.5 1 2 How I’d dreamed of us to geth er 3 4 1 2 3 Turns out I couldn't be more wrong The bold words are the naturally stressed syllables each line is a 3 length. The numbers above are the beat in the bar the word falls on. "How" is on beat 1 (front heavy)"Turns" in line two falls on beat 3 (back heavy). The final thing you can do is weak bar phrase the entire song. That is start the vocal melody on an even bar number. So the intro will be typically 3 or 5 bars long. This adds a wistful sad feeling to the entire song. As an example of this if you look at a John Lennon song " Hey you've got to hide your love away" You will see the verse goes 2,2,3 2,2,3 (line lengths) and the rhyme scheme is AAB CCB. The rhyme types are all perfect. In other words even line length even rhyme pattern and perfect rhymes. All massively stable, since the song is sad this should cause a prosody issue and yet it doesn't. If you listen too it, it feels like someone sitting on the end of his bed singing sadly too himself. Why? because it's weak bar phrased the guitar is strummed for three bars before the vocal melody begins on bar four. If the melody had begun on bar 5 it would have sounded completely wrong with a disconnect between the music and the lyric. It is an important comment that you knew something was not right but not what. There is a misconception that if you are conscious of all these techniques and effects you can do with lyrical structure, that it will inhibit your writing, because your all bound up in all these rules. This is wrong, because you just write, then you say that's not quite sounding how it is in my head. You ask why, and if you know these techniques you can quickly say aha that's probably the problem very quickly. You can then apply fixes, starting from the easiest. Which in your case would be to weak bar phrase the whole song and that may fix it just like that. Cheers Gary
  6. I'm not convinced by the opening it's half john Lennon and so the story goes. It needs to be caustic acerbic cutting. Like Lennon's " your teeth are clean but your mind is capped and you leave your smell like an alley cat" so more nasty please. Cheers Gary
  7. Hi I was thinking that at this pace man it's going to take a long time to get to the chorus and your going to loose me. But the arrangement saved the day a bit because at verse two there are some extra parts that come in. I feel if that were exaggerated it would improve the song, I am wondering if its one of those that should start with only one or two incumbents and keep building till you get to the chorus. The melody is sophisticated and moves nicely. Its a really nice pice of work well written Cheers Gary
  8. Hi Other than that the drums sound busy too me, (I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that.) For me its perfect. I really enjoyed it. Cheers Gary
  9. Hey John Wonderful, and so prompt, that now works as a compliment to her very well. I do like a quick fix. Cheers Gary
  10. hi Sreyashi Im kind of thinking this is way too stable a structure for such a sad story. I have a feeling that less stable chorus would feel better. "How I dreamed of us together As it turns out I couldn't be more wrong No I couldn't have been more wrong if I had tried" The de rhyming and uneven number of lines, and uneven line lengths will give it a sad unstable feel. Cheers Gary
  11. Hi There are some good things in here, but for me it lacks focus. Verse one sets up an expectation of circles and it doesn't happen. This is exacerbated by the setting up of another circle in the first four lines of verse three but then it goes somewhere else. I don't really get who anybody is in this. I think you should have three different circles and then it will work. And what it would mean would be up to the listeners interpretation. You have the circle of growth completely written in verse one. You have half the circle of night and day written in verse three. So you need one more circle concept death and new life or whatever or whatever circle you can come up with. Then I think you will have a song. Cheers Gary
  12. Hi John A couple of things if your going to say " whenever I'm here with you my glass is always half full" Should you nor be saying in another verse "whenever I'm not with you my glass is always half empty" Otherwise the half full thing is not kind of working for me because its only half full, which ain't full. If you know what I mean. Good write Cheers Gary
  13. Hi Its got a beginning and a middle and the end is in the modified last chorus. Its well structured I do have one structure thought. Both sections have an odd number of lines and I keep wanting to tag the chorus. like " I could see but didn't looknow I see I'm loosing youis there anything I can doto make you change your mind I'm loosing you" I think its pretty good. Cheers Gary
  14. Hi Michael There are technical issues with this. Its long so there is fair bit of time needs to go into fixing it. There is a good story there and some good images. So it is worthwhile doing. I am quite happy to help with the processes, but I don't want to spend a lot of time going into all of that unless you are going to fix it. Other than to say it has issues of prosody, pace, conectivity of the last verse with the chorus. Function of parts of a song. Theres a bit too do Cheers Gary
  15. Ha Oedipus You can't go past country music writers for opening lines. They call it the set up I think. Where they set a whole scene up in only two lines. Some of them are pretty good at it. Me and Bobby Magee, The Gambler. Cheers Gary