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snabbu last won the day on October 30 2016

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About snabbu

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    Gary Yeomans
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  1. When I read the lyric where the weak "nah uh" is What comes in to my head is not printable. But its to do with sex and travel. "so f/o" A more radio friendly solute is "So get lost" which I think sums up what you are saying in that verse. I like to encapsulate the ducks guts of the verse in two or three words and put that in the highlight spot. To me that then becomes a ancillary progressive hook. I would be keeping the high lights and loosing the interludes. I think heavy dripping sarcasm in the two opening lines would be a good set up. Arn't cha sings better than didn't cha. So all is good just fix the two lines at the head. Cheers Gary
  2. By relentless I mean excluding verse one It goes A for six lines: late, weigh,t case, interstate, case, case, then B for two lines, man, can, then release after 8 lines wit, smart. It a long time waiting for a break from the rhymes. If the song was not TIC it would just be too much. Cheers Gary
  3. Hi Look it doesn't matter if its physical or emotional abuse, let the listener imprint on it. That is not the issue here. The issue is voice, whom is talking to whom? It appears to me in the verse your talking too him, in the chorus he's talking too you, every second line your talking to him. Now before getting into the nitty gritty of the individual lines and images, the overall concept needs work. You can not have two voices in a song unless its a duet or musical theatre etc. It won't work because its confusing. The message doesn't come through. And what voice should it be? This is subjective but my feeling is you should be talking to me about him. Because (a) It's not sensible to talk to him about his Jeckyl and Hyde nature, he's just gonna get mad, and he's not going to listen. (b) there is a chance that the interplay of words and emotions in the chorus can be saved, with a he says technique, so you can tell me what he says, then what you feel. I think this is important because that idea you have has pathos, and I am going to feel for you when I hear it. And it's going to be believable. Another structural issue is the lift, the melody should be climbing towards the chorus and the lyric is "Then I feel so low, So low I could give up. You say to me" Now if you write a climbing melody to those words it's going to be a massive prosody issue. If you write a descending melody which would fit the lyric prosody wise, its not a lift. Now I just don't know how that's going to work, I am not saying it won't, it just might not. The treatment of the chorus might have to be special to make it fit. Maybe split style (where half the songs country the other half is doof doof) or something. Or the lift lyric needs to be longer so it can go down the first two lines and then climb for another two or three. Just pointing out that is going to be an issue so have a think about it. I have done an example of giving the melodist space to come back up in the lift and trying to maintain the feel of the chorus with clarity in the voicing. Then I feel so low, So low I feel, I may never get up again Then he turns around and smiles that smile and says too me You look good today and I bloody love this beautiful calm You look good today. why can't he be this nice all the time. You look good today. Suddenly the sun begins to shine, when he says You look good today. This is just a quick example to illustrate what I am getting at. The internal structure of the song the rhyme scheme contrast etc is correct so there is nothing to do there except clean up your consistency verse one has eight lines verse two nine and I don't think the rhyme scheme is consistent. There are issues of non consistent stress between the verses. Example: verse 1 Today I pray that you will be nice, 3 syllable line length I pray that you will be kind. 3 syllable line length Verse 2 Now you got me, two syllable line length does not match verse one. With your sideways look, 3 syllable line length matches verse one The naturally stressed syllables must be equal for the corresponding lines in each verse and must be substantially in the same place. That means line one verse two needs one extra stressed syllable and it needs to be the last syllable or close too, to match verse one's meter and stress. For example "Now you've got me panicked" is close enough "and Now you've got me pinned" is an exact match You don't have to be exact you just have to close. So over all I liked the concept of the song and the chorus,the structure, tension and release feels right. The voice needs thinking about for clarity, meaning and emotion. There is some cleaning up to do in the verses as too meter and stress. In addition I would be very keen to see you set up the hook in the verses. The hook is him saying "you look good today", so it would add more weight to the hook if you mentioned his voice in one line of each verse. Cheers Gary
  4. critique

    Hi Takoda Lets discuss two concepts, Nuts and Hooks. The Nut of this song is the allegory of crime, thats fine. I don't care if he didn't get the girl or not, its a story its got a beginning a middle and an end. The problems for me are you don't go on with the Nut, your first two stanzas are using allegory the third and fourth stanzas are in actuality. So its unfocussed. Now hook: The hook in the chorus has too connect with the verse It has to be something to do with crime. So currently this chorus contains no hook. for example: (illustration only) "and I’ll never let you go ‘cause we are meant to be together no, I’ll never let you go while I'm sitting here doing time." Or whatever, it just has to relate. The lack of variation in the rhyme scheme between the verse and chorus concerns me. although the lift which should be written like this or it's split statements. ("we’d hide out in a honeymoon suite in a quaint little Mexican village south of the border where we’d be safe from the nosy prying eyes") gives release of tension. So the issue will occur at the back of the chorus when you go back into the verse it's abababab, on and on. This says to me that the hook needs to be the last line of the chorus, and the hook emphasis technique would be to have it rhyme with nothing. That would fix the tension and release as well. It needs editing to fix whether your going to be actually or allegorical and make it consistent. The chorus needs a relative hook. There needs to be tension and release written in. This is a subjective opinion but I feel it should be allegorical, then you are left unsure whether he did anything bad or not. That could work as a nice under theme. Cheers Gary
  5. Hi Patty The rewrite: Most of it feels fine to me. The rhyme scheme is pretty relentless, but on balance, because it's a tongue in cheek song, that's ok in this instance. Normally it wouldn't be, so this is an exception. The only thing in there that set off the cheese meter was "To grab your coat and hat-etude" With the exception of that it's pitched with the right amount of tongue in your cheek. Cheers Gary
  6. Hi I'm not familiar with the style reference. So take my comments in that context. Unless you are twisting a cliche like Jim Steinman (You took the words right out of my mouth must have been while you were kissing me.) it is better to steer clear of them, because they sound old and tired. If you look at the opening "What comes around goes around" "You reap what you sow" This at the head of the song is a problem I can feel my eyes glaze over and I've lost interest after two lines. When I look at the structure of the lyric it is very good, except for one spot where I have reservations. The structure is a very stable verse rhyming couplets AA rhyme scheme, perfect rhymes. Given the instability of the subject matter when this is sung contrasted agains the unstable chorus. The verses should come across as a statement of facts, the chorus as the emotional result of those facts. This acts as additional glue stitching verse and chorus together. The reservation I have : You have created a highlight in the verse, by setting up an expectation then dashing it. This happens at line six of each verse. We are led to expect two even lines ending in a perfect rhyme. In the third couplet you add a tag line. The fact that it is there is good technique, that it rhymes with nothing is also good, its all about contrast. My issue is Having set up this massive point of emphasis you use it to say "Didn'tcha!!" and "Nuh uh!!" and I feel they are not strong statements, what is needed there is a word that sums up what the verse is saying. Its going to draw heavy attention and you need to be saying something strong there. So technique all fine but what's there in that spot is leaning on it's shovel. The bridge is fine it adds to the story. It's interesting how you have used a variation to the chorus after it, and I think that works. The extro (outro) is an economical edit of the chorus so that all flows along well. Overall it's OK and shows good technique. The only two issues being cliches and wasting the highlight spot. Cheers Gary
  7. Thanks for having a look and I agree with everything you have said. The thing is it is being constrained and writing a decent song. So the concentration is on the alliteration and the rhyme scheme plus meter so if you can hang your hat on a chorus to tie two things together and it fits the brief, it is a thing where you say my head hurts and I'm lazy so that'll do. Cheers Gary
  8. I started out wanting to write nonsense just play with the word sounds but I chickened out and put some sense in there. Its quite a thing not to end up with a tongue twister. Time to Bring the Curtain Down You are old so very old So very old and tired I see you stand with a stapler in your hand With nothing to clip together Journalist Journeyman I do believe your behind the times Writing in a paper nobody is reading No-one wants to hear the facts If the facts sound wrong I think it’s over You know its over it’s over and out and it’s time to bring the curtain down Mining coal black black coal So very black and dirty I see you stand with a pick in your hand But you know you can’t dig forever Freezing on the freeway In a subway submarine Catching all the catcalls yelling out the window More retail lost their jobs this month Than there are miners in your mines I think it’s over You know its over it’s over and out and it’s time to bring the curtain down
  9. Hi "Uproots the trunk or bends the bough gathers winds up in her arms pulls you in with hypnotic charm The seduction of the temptress" My question is is it the best images it can be? So i'm going to a technique to use if your not sure. That is to do a short paragraph about what you are trying to convey. I think it's this. " The wind is a metaphor for an irresistible woman each verse could be a based on a different force that wind places on us, as a allegory for the different forces love and lust place on us." The tempest/temptress join these together and are the glue. So this verse is about being drawn in. She has gathered wind up in her arms to draw us in, she must spin create a vortex like a cyclone. So then list some words. Anything related just list don't second guess. Hurricane Low pressure Swirling whirling Sucking Drawing in etc. So far I am keen on hurricane But the list is not extensive its just to demonstrate the idea. And a line out of verse two belongs with hurricane. A spinning careless wind, she is Gathers winds up in her arms And draws you in like a hurricane The seduction of the temptress Or some such, but sticking to the vortex spinning sucking in idea. So the next question is what is it the wind can do that love can do. It can blind you blowing dust in your eyes or making them water It can bowl you over. It can spin you round and make you dizzy etc. So it's a thing of choosing an effect and writing the verse about that aspect. Then because its rhyme scarce the double seeming repletion line of temptress/ tempest will be more emphasised and should pop as a tension release. When you write down in simple form what the song idea is, what the nut of the song is, you know where you are going so its less likely to become unfocused. And it may be that what I am saying about the song plan and meaning is not what you intend, it doesn't matter its just an example. If that is the case write down what it is saying in then write to that. Cheers Gary
  10. Hi Peggy Its full of water, so that's a good thing, There is a good contrast between the structure of the chorus and verse. The chorus is just ever so slightly unstable which to me is perfect for the, Nothing is fixed kind of message. I wonder why the pre is missing from both later choruses. The bridge I feel is not quite right. It doesn't take me from one chorus to the next. "ride it on out, show me and I'l tell you" " any of it, coming to the surface." I am not getting connectivity between the statements. Thinking about the function of the bridge to bring something new, or to reveal, I guess its adding to the drifting so its probably ok content wise. When I read the song I misread the chorus as "Ride it on in ride it on out" which on reflection I thought was descriptive of "going with the flow". Which should probably be the opening and closing lines of the bridge perhaps to connect it to the choruses and a nice fluid image. So overall I really liked it, it is only the bridge that is not quite right for me. I think its important to note the level of instability you chose to write the chorus in. This is a subjective decision but to me it's just right. Its like how much chile you put in a dish, just enough to make it sing. Cheers Gary
  11. It is very interesting what you can do with line length as far as movement in a song is concerned. And it's about contrast. If you do super short lines with perfect rhymes and double time it set against another part which has very long lines and less solid rhymes you can actually reverse the effect and make the perfect rhyme part pick up the pace. A great example of writing pace and motion is a Paul Simon song called "50 ways to leave your lover" this shows how the contrast works so well. Cheers Gary
  12. Hi the opening verse which also closes the song, book ending it is very good. The reason being is that every line supports the idea of the wind theme. The supportive lines drop drop off as you do your story telling although each verse contains at least one wind statement. story wise it has a beginning a middle and an end, it's well paced. On a technical level i am I am questioning the choice of rhyme scheme and type. The internal structure of the verses. its a stable AABB scheme with for the most part perfect rhymes. The issue here is twofold (1) it's a very stable structure, the story is of loss an unstable emotion. This gives you an issue of prosody. (2) A story song like this needs to be probably a slow tempo ballad. The movement of aabb iss AA stop BB stop. In other words the forward motion in your song comes to a full halt every two lines, the perfect rhymes accentuate this effect. So if this is put to music it will drag like a slow dirge and sound far slower than it is, if it's speeded up to compensate the story will get lost. In addition because of point 1 the prosody issue it's going to sound not believable or convincing. my instinct tells me the bookend verse should remain the same as it is, even though the issues pointed out above exist in this. On reflection I understand why my gut tells me that. It is great technique to create an expectation then dash it. It draws attention to the point where that happens. So in the beginning what you have creates an impression that this will be a nice feel good love song with nice images. Which is not what happens. May the end of the song if it remains as it is it is going to create a sub text in the listeners head, that even though all this tragedy has happened he has in some way come to terms with it. Manipulating the punters emotions is where it's at. to achieve that, all that is in the middle of those bookends needs to be written unstable. That is an odd number of lines odd line lengths less rhymes less stable rhyme types try to minimise perfect rhymes. what is then going to happen is there will be a melody variation between the opening and closing and middle and even though the song is a constant beat it will appear to start slow speed up then slow down at the end. Which adds contrast, tension is created by the middle section and is released in the last stable verse. So it will feel complete. If anything I've said is confusing you please ask because there is a lot to know. Maybe there is an article about stable unstable on here somewhere. John may know. It's about tone of voice the level of the stability sets the the tone of voice for the song. Cheers Gary
  13. Hi I think this is pretty good. I like the brevity of the chorus and the way it rhymes with the refrain. When tuning it there is the option of repeating that line if it works for the chorus. There are some good wind images in there. I did notice a couple of off message images like magnetism, and I did think you could be pulled in by wind related forces such as a vortex, the other one was laser. cheers Gary
  14. This is an A B song about you know who I chose fire cause of his hair😮 Fire head A section Fire head, what will you do What your fans expect you too Your fans expect so much of you Oh fire head what will you do Fire head you changed the rules Decree by tweet for all to see Decree by tweet for all to see Oh Fire head you changed the rules B section Promises you made went up in a puff of smoke you came along to change the status quo Oh fire head will you make me great again A section Fire head you seem so sure They were waiting just for you They were waiting just for you Oh fire head you seemed so sure Fire head your running hot The bright lights are burning just for you The bright lights are burning just for you Fire head your running hot B section Will the ashes of economy ignite again Will just hot air stir the flames Oh fire head will you make me rich once more extro Your fans expect so much of you Fire head The bright lights are burning just for you Fire head
  15. Hi Les i am not convinced as to the idea to me the sports metaphor feels cliche, however that is subjective. What is not subjective is if your doing metaphor you should stick on message and hammer it to death. So if your second progressive chorus had stuff like " the gun went off I Went for gold and medaled on the sand" or whatever. So it's like write down a list of everything Olympics then see what you can put in there. The clown, fishes in the sea lines are cliches. I feel you should get rid of those and get some on message ie sport stuff in their place. As far as the brief is concerned I think you did a pretty good job. Cheers Gary