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Everything posted by tomcollins

  1. Summer days Thanks for the read. Will see where it goes with notes Rock on
  2. A quick morning write. Heavy load Father time,has put his grip on me My regrets, they now ride the shotgun seat Search for words,to ease your lonely pain Days fly by , gets harder to explain It's a heavy load It's a heavy load My back is sore, I'm all alone It's a heavy load A heavy load In my reflection , it's you I've always seen Hard to believe,it's been eighteen years. It's you I long to hold Carry my guilt, that are now ball and chained Realize, there's a truth to all my shame It's a heavy load It's a heavy load My back is sore, I'm all alone It's a heavy load A heavy load I felt your tears, everytime I didn't show Your not to blame small's, you should know if I was the man I should've been i wouldn't be thinking these thoughts again It's a heavy load My back is sore, I'm all alone It's a heavy load A heavy load Father time, has put his grip on me My regrets, they now ride the shotgun seat It's a heavy load
  3. Should put old below to see the change. Not sold still on the chorus. Friends, Friends come and go. Some are distant memories Some you long to hold Friends , Friends come and go. Just rough thought.for the thought that threw the years( Lol yea I'm old) there are friends we've had you think of from time to time then others that even tho your miles away and talk rarely,when you do it's like you always have been , some friendships never end! It's the hook that's missing for me Rock on
  4. Finally came back to this, Did a few small edits. Have notes on paper so thinking of getting music with some help from a few friends. Edits where small and Think most will get worked out when notes get laid down. And see where the melody takes it Rock on and thanks all!!
  5. Patty The bridge was a rough draft. Originally didn't have one I want back and forth on it, if it needed one. And thought I fixed the typo. Last two verses I'm still kinda playing with. As they sit. Dont match first two. But I suck at rewrites lol As You can see. Thanks for your input and heading to typo. Rock on !!
  6. Hey y'all, This is something that came out at work . lol got love singing in other people's showers. Anyway it needs a bridge but that avoided me . hoping tomorrow one comes to mind It changes a bit but it sang well.kinda heard a female vocal with this doing alt verses & chorus.but that's still up in air Rock on Sometimes , Baby sometimes It's so hard for me to dream I want to close my eyes And simply drift away Somewhere, Girl somewhere Could you be laying awake Thinking of the times we shared And wishing you had stayed Let's close our eyes And drift away Dream together Like we use to do Let's close our eyes And drift away Some say , Now some say I just need to let you go And maybe I will one day It just won't be tonight , Should I , Aahh should I Take a chance And reach out to you Would you close your eyes ? Ask me to drift away with you Let's close our eyes And drift away Dream together Like we use to do Let's close our eyes And drift away (rough draft bridge) Those painted clouds are just pictures in our(your) mind The buzzing in our (your)ears is the ticking of the times Do I dare to read between the lines? Would you place your tiny hand in mine?
  7. The chorus should have a catch, hook tho yours does work it doesn't,to me make others want to sing it. Most songs (lyricaly) you know the chorus. Because they have a hook something to remember . Being new its best to learn read and crit others . go out of the box a bit. After green eyes making me blue. Dont explain why really go with that a play on colors or emotion .make it yours own it. For that saying has been used.think a country top ten song used same kinda line Rock on
  8. Ok read both . and your second is more to the point but like the first. Not sure if rap would do this well. Wordy yes but it just needs direction. Not sure if a melody is in your head. Think it would help if it was . would give it a better tempo and make things gel a bit better. I suck at rewrites but this needs one . I feel it could be pretty good as topic is relatable. But again get a melody and stick with it. Pop is where I would be . as far as wordy with a melody that would remove alot of the words Rock on
  9. Good start. Above crit is pretty good as for a cleaning house crit. Would make it much easier to read if posted in such away. Bridge may work if last line changed ,didn't like it much. Rock on
  10. Hey patty Read both your writes. Didn't comment on other , as what needed to be said , was said. I like the way you write . My biggest issue is chorus. Tho written well. It or they feel more like another verse. Even tho the green eyes are making me blue concept been done .you made it your own . So I would try to work with the hook a bit. Make it more and stand out. Not crazy about envy verse but does fit. Solid writes and look forward to seeing more of your stuff! Rock on !!!
  11. Tj Thanks for the input. Last two verses are still not done Rock on
  12. Funny thing is it works ! Looking at and giving input on other lyrics gives you a chance to explore structure meter and rhyme schemes. As mentioned .this is a bit vague at start and does need to pull ya in . you want listener reader to be wanting more. Good start but needs to be gone through and connect the feelings /thoughts so listener reader is wanting more Rock on
  13. Best thing to do is post ,looking to colab.see if us get any bites. Of not I may be able to give ya a few seggestions Rock on
  14. Tag Thanks for the input. The first wasn't always first. But felt it was strongest so slid it in there. This is still chrunning around in my head. Never thought of it being shorter. Lol would make my life easier if it was!! Rock on
  15. While doing that clean up. Take note of your hard syllable count. That helps with meter.which helps reader and when notes do come . Rock on !#
  16. Bro, I over use often , but to be honest bro I really do try not to. Caught myself saying bro to my daughter the other day. Bro that's just wrong I thought! Lyrically tho bro Hhhmmm Rock on bro
  17. Peggy Thanks took T's advice so working 3-4 to follow. Like the meaning of those two verses but weak so playing around to now match 1-2 but also make a bit stronger Rock on
  18. Hey John Thanks for the read. In still playing with this a bit Took "T's" advice on second in process of getting 3-4 to follow Rock on
  19. I like this. Had a few issues going on. First I would though commas in where needed ,easy reading. And helps with getting meter into place . the main thing is meter it reads some lines don't flow as well ,would go through it and do a hard count ,from what I got some lines need to be trimmed and some need a word or two.for it makes it easier when putting notes to it. Pretty solid ."Christ your late" made me laugh. Rock on
  20. Think that's why it's stayed. The meaning but it's also weak .ponder
  21. Still not crazy either of 4th verse but something tugs to keep it. So suggestion may help with that. Was thinking vvcvc repeat first
  22. T Lmao was playing with that this morning. Like the first two verses! Tried a few things and Think your suggestion suits it. The first verse is the better out of them all .wasn't always first.but being strongest first worked for draw in point. Gonna use suggestion Rock on !!!
  23. Agree with Peggy here. Cool idea but as it reads right now the flow is sputtering. Not sure what the chorus is . but for me "Adam was no lover, until he fell for Eve And Eden was no garden ,untill we both believe. " or something. Its a pretty cool twist . The structure seems a bit all over the place .which does make it hard to follow. Think you have the bones here ,just need to go through it with a clear structure. Rock on !
  24. Hey See "T " touched on that second line. And seen your new edit. Which is pretty good. As T also said about verse hooks. Which isn't always a bad thing .think it works pretty well here. I would keep as is in chorus edits but add "when it comes to you " at end When it comes to you - i can’t get enough nothing i wont do - just to feel your touch When it comes to you - love can be so rough Everything you do - is a bit too much When it comes to you. Might help with hook. Rock on
  25. Did a few edits ,tried to take what Gary suggested and keep inner ryhmes in verses. But it really changed the timing to melody I have playing. Had a musical bridge from start.and from start felt that would fall short. Added a rough bridge to melody in my head but thinking it fell short as well. Thoughts?