Jokes

[john]

Hey

Nothing that breaks the board guidelines please

Cheers

John

[john]

Golfer in Pain

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman ran over to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me to", she told him.

''Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[john]

Hey

Found this in my email, thought you might enjoy...

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV &Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava fromBulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when DarylGibson comes inside of him'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovelyhorse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn'tthat nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox ofthe Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) isplaying so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out hisballs and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time TeamLive' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to havesnowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where'sthat eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing sohard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much bettertoday after a 69 yesterday'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night likethis.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'StephenHendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a maleastronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'Theyseem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come inhis shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes touse Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Cheers

John

[john]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You've got Male!'

[Lazz]

'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time,' asked a husband of his wife.

'Sure thing,' she said …'You have a larger penis than any of your friends.'

[thelevellers]

http://portermason.com/bassistwanted/2008/09/17/out-of-tune/

:D :D

Edited November 1, 2008 by thelevellers

[neoism]

[Rudi]

Whats the difference between a frog?

ANS: One leg is both the same.

[Mazrocon]

01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Hehehehe

~TIMOTHY~

[Rudi]

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you

'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is

sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

love it !

[Alistair]

What do a plum and a goat have in common?

Neither of them can drive a tractor

[Nick]

A tourist walks into a bar in Ireland and asks for a Guinness.

"That would be a SLOW Guinness you'd be wanting then, sor?" says the barman

"What's a slow Guinness?" asks the man

" Ah, well, that would be the way a Guinness should be poured. With love and beauty and care to bring out the full flavour of the beer and the delicate balance between the dark of the body and correct consistency of the white, creamy head. We lavish time and care to deliver this in perfect condition and it can't be rushed - even the tilt of the glass in the initial pour at an angle of 46 degrees is crucial to the process. If you have the time it's worth the wait"

"I'll have a SLOW Guinness then" says the man

"And would you be wanting a quick Guinness while you're waiting?" asked the barman

[Steve]

Contagious

A teacher at a school in Glasgow asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland", says the teacher." “Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie", says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Shaunie jumps up and says in a broad Glasgow accent, "Oor next door neighbour’s painting his hoose wi’ a two-inch brush and ma’ Dah says it’ll take the contagious".

[Rudi]

A wife accuses her husband of being unromantic.

A friend advises the husband to place a notice in the local paper to publicly express his feelings. Saying "that will really please her, women love that kind of thing."

He phones in a message. He is told he can have 10 words for £10. The message he dictates is this:

‘James Broughton likes his wife very much.’

Thats fine sir, but you have used only 7 words. You can have 3 more if you wish!

Eventually the message appears in the Evening News.

‘James Broughton likes his wife very much. - Shed for sale.’

[Steve]

Hangover

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas

Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,

his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple

of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,

a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of

drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and

all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting

gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good

sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little

hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in

the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's

snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't

hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,

steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the

table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and

got that black eye when you ran into the door.. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,

I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[Rudi]

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

I'll try that tonight.

[Lazz]

The Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote Welsh pasture when a BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and answers: "All right"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook, connects it to his mobile, surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a minute, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right says the shepherd. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,"

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the guy. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, on a subject you know f*ck all about.

"Now give me back my dog."

[Steve]

A young dyslexic boy runs up to his mother and asks if he can have a McDonald's? His mother looks down lovingly and says, 'If you can spell McDonald's, you can have one!'

The boy concentrates for several minutes with a look of grim determination on his little face. He then sighs in resignation, looks up to his mother and says, 'F*ck it! I'll have a KCF instead!'

[Nick]

A man goes for a job as a blacksmith.

"Have you shoed many horses?" asks the blacksmith

"No" says the man "but I once told a donkey to piss off"

[Donna]

Whaddaya call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese.