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Guest Message by DevFuse

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Song For My Friends Father Who Just Passed Away


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6 replies to this topic

#1 DJB

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 07:50 AM

Hi everyone. One of my really close friends fathers passed away this past weekend and I have been really upset about it. So I decided to write a song. So far I have been getting some decent rhyme schemes down but am having trouble.

The intended instrument is the piano, but I have thought about making it a rap song with singing in it. I was thinking about possibly putting it to some beat, but Im not sure what beat yet, and then adding synthesizers for the "Celebrate this life" part...


Here is what I have so far.


The song is called:

"Forever With Us" (In Memory of Chuckie Tartaglia)


Singing:

I want you to know
that I will remember you forever
remember you forever

your laugh-and your smile
really make life worth its while

look in----to the light---
these emotions---that I fight---
Im really---missing you---
but I know what I have to do---

Faster (Rapped?):

This everlasting love that I will always embrace
for these feelings from the heart that no-one can erase

Ill remember the good times that we have had
and forget all the memories that make me sad

So I wipe away my tears
and look at all the photographs that make me laugh
as I remember all the years
I think...

Theres no reason to say goodbye
I will only say see you later
Theres no reason to cry
because you will always be here!

Singing (Height of song so far):

Celebrate this life
celebrate it (spoken)

Celebrate his smile
celebrate-it (spoken)

Rapped:
Lets celebrate a life, forget the grief
there isnt a need

Singing:

Celebrate this life
Celebrate (spoken)

Celebrate a while
Celebrate. Celebrate. (spoken)



And thats all I have so far... please let me know what you all think and If you have any suggestions for the next step in the song?

#2 Alyricman

Posted 21 November 2009 - 04:38 PM

This song is full of emotions... maybe because you have a big inspiration. This is so sad...

#3 DJB

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Posted 25 November 2009 - 12:23 PM

Yes, a big inspiration....

does anyone else have any feedback for the lyrics?

Thanks,
D.

#4 john

Posted 25 November 2009 - 01:03 PM

hey

Deeply personal songs are always harder to measure or critique not least because of the feelings of the writer, but also because of the song's purpose. Writers aren't usually trying to write a hit song (in their mind) as so much expressing something they want to say, offer a goodbye or a tribute. That is probably why you aren't getting many comments..

If the song says what you want it to say, then I am sure it is just perfect. The only simple thing I'd raise that you might want to tweak is the rapped section... the meter (rhythm) of the lines is different at points, which makes getting into a groove that bit harder. You might want to tweak the words to get equal syllable counts to make the rap easier.

Cheers

John

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#5 DJB

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Posted 25 November 2009 - 08:56 PM

Thanks for the input!

#6 john

Posted 28 November 2009 - 06:46 PM

post up any updates, It's cool to see songs develop :)

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#7 Mattech

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Posted 02 December 2009 - 07:28 AM

I like this song, the lyrics are deep and come with meaning. The first and last part of the song seem to flow reasonable well. But I have to agree with John the rap section seems hard to rap because of the syllables, it hard to make it line up. I tried to rap it myself (i am not a very good rapper) and found it hard to get it to flow.

Just an example\suggestion with the 1st 2 lines of the rap section.

This everlasting love that I will always embrace
for these feelings from the heart that no-one can erase

This seems to roll off the tongue a little better.

This everlasting love that I'll eternally embrace
for these feelings from the heart that no-one can erase

As I said just a suggestion, I feel with rap the more the syllables line up, which also helps the rhymes line up, will make the rap flow more fluently.

Good luck with the next step of your song man it really coming along fine. Nice work.




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