[heather]

Hi - this isn't finished (i pitched the 4th verse - starting over on it) haven't written in a while and interested in feedback if anyone would care to give. Thanks!



water's flowing west
I'm ankle deep my bare feet grounded
crowds teem onto the banks
a pocketful of river stones
pile up want to weigh me down
fingers choose between the smooth and the rough

fossil old and rare
then the bones around your eyes
feelers trace a hollow
luscious veins of fool's gold
pile up want to weigh me down
foolish notion let the fish swim it over

I'm restless, sifting
here's the old block's jagged chip
marking every pebble with knuckle blood
won't fit this arrowhead back into that shale
pile up want to weigh me down
make a splash, that definition sounds like glass

(4th verse pending)

(chorus)
pocketful of stones
pile up want to let me know
fingers choosing one by one
the river's going to flow

[Retrosaurus Rex]

Hi Heather...

My first impression is that it reads more like a poem than a song. I say so because it seems to invite a close analytical reading (which I haven't done...), and I think a listener would probably have to hear this several times to start "getting" it. Also, each section has the same form and rhythm, and that might be a little too much sameness musically if you don't do something to break it up. On the other hand (pesky other hand...), what you have seems like it would work with music pretty well. In fact, I'm singing the line "pile up want to weigh me down" in my head and it sounds really good. I think that would make a good refrain line. You could take the first four lines of each verse using one musical idea, then switch to a new musical idea for "pile up want to weigh me down", which could be repeated 2 or 3 times, and the last line of the verse could wrap up that idea & transition back to the first. You could also create another section with a contrasting musical &/or lyrical idea to place between verses 2 & 3 and you would have something very close to a traditional song form, altho this last bit is optional and just depends on whether you feel like it works with what you have to say and how you want to say it...

Good luck!

[MikeRobinson]

The concept implied by "a pocket full of river stones" is intriguing ... but unfortunately, the poem that attracted my attention does not deliver. Right now what we have is ... a collection of (fairly vague, actually) images.

There are some bright flecks among these river stones, however, and I would encourage you to pluck them out and work with them, without attempting to form any sort of rhyme or cadence. My picks are (in no particular order):

• water's flowing west (why west?)
• crowds teem on the banks (a long way off? are they trying to rescue me? have I narrowly escaped them? do they want to stone me?)
• fingers choose (but you haven't told me where your fingers are now)
• marking every pebble with knuckle blood (first suggestion of injury, no idea why. these river stones are not smooth?) (itself an interesting and not-expected idea that could be applied to a story-purpose!)
• fingers choosing one by one (vs.) the river's going to flow (implies a variety of ways that one might set one's will in the presence of an irresistible [natural] force)

The reason why I cautiously suggest that you should capture, pluck, and add to the list of these images and phrases -- without attempting to form them up and with utterly no concern how many you might capture -- is that we have a singer in the west-flowing river right now and she's probably got a story to tell. But, you need to know what that story is. Probably, your subconscious already has a pretty good idea. Certainly, she knows very clearly what that story is (even if in the phrases that she eventually gives to us, the listeners, are more circumspect). From among the "nuggets" that you pluck, a story will suggest itself -- or you will more deliberately concoct one. Then you can tell it, using these images. And we will happily deduce it and read into it, using these images.

"A pocketful of river stones." Hmmm...

This post has been edited by MikeRobinson: 09 February 2010 - 01:20 AM

[guywhowrites]

I would agree with these other guys/girls that this song is more of a poem than a song. I tried but i could not find a beat to go along with it. But as a poem it is still fairly good.

[guywhowrites]

Oh, and you also need to really focus on that topic, sorry i forgot to put that 2.

[Southlyric]

I agree with Mike Robinson and that's is exactly my problem too. Desribing images but missing the subject or something that captures the reader. It's very nice to read though