[Venus]

All criticism welcome.

http://soundclick.co...?songid=8718908

John likes us to post lyrics too:

Speak

Making excuses for the lack of courage within
This text is useless, I can't tell anything
About the way you feel, Pick up the telephone
And show me you're for real

And speak, say something

Maybe grass is greener
And all the waters clearer
I'd like to hear the latest on your thoughts
Words could not be better
Digitized in letters
Your voice is has a way into my heart

So speak, say something
Speak, give me this one thing

Open your lips and move your tongue to a beat
Your mouth will taste this it's oh so sweet
Just tell me tell me, Pick up the telephone
And show me how you feel

And speak, say something

Maybe we could talk about
The guitars that you play aloud
Someday we might scream while lost in bed
Tomorrow we could justify
Kissing quiet thru the night
But it won't be until you try to breath

And speak, say something
Just speak, give me oh this one thing

Open your lips, open your mouth and speak to me

[McnaughtonPark]

When the song began, I thought you were trying to imitate someone, someone who's voice and style was popular. I can't think of who, or why you would do that. It wasn't long into it, perhaps the first chorus, I lost that feeling and was really drawn in. This would benefit from a full accompaniment greatly. All the same, very nice Dena.

Love the lyric, poignant reminder of the impersonal nature of today's techno gadgetry. There is mystery, longing, desire, and hope and written and sung beautifully.

MP

[john]

hey

Nice. Lyrically it works well, and I'm liking the melody.

Only points I'd make are about the guitar, rhythm wise I think a more intense rhythm later would have been nice, and perhaps a slow arpeggiation from the word breath on the line "But it won't be until you try to breath"


Recording wise I think a less bright tone on the guitar would help, and a de-esser on the vocals.

That's about it!

Hope this helps.

Cheers

John

[tunesmithth]

As usual for you Dena....very nicely done! I listened a couple of times.....trying to come with a couple comments different from Tom's or John"s. The song seems to fit right in that same vein with artists like Michelle Branch & Anna Nalick. In fact, something about the way you treated & positioned the hook in this reminds me of how it was handled in "Breath 2AM". As far as I'm concerned, that's a really good model.....for my money, it works well in both songs.
I did wonder a little about your choice to utilize the slower tempo for that first 17 seconds (the intro)? I can't decide if it's a plus or minus. On the one hand, it sound OK, but on the other hand it's a little decieving, creating the immediate impression that it's going to be a much slower feeling song & then switching just 17 seconds into it? I'm wondering if the misleading intro hurts it or helps it........don't know? Anyway, thought I'd goa ahead & mention it.

Do you plan to keep the arrangement simple, like it is. or try to expand it into something more grand? I think it probably OK either way....just curious. Nice tune!