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Hey everyone,
This is one of my first attempts at a song, any tips/improvements would be greatly appreciated,
I have alot of trouble getting any lyrics down on paper, so the more comments the better!
Cheers.
CHORUS
Her red plated lips,
Her brown oakwood eyes,
Bring them to my lips,
before the whys and the lies.
VERSE1
I could give her a bucket of love,
But I doubt that that would wow her,
A life of simmering in lemon oil,
Has turned this peach pie sour,
I could give her a diamond ring,
Made from tin and hide,
But she'd probly never wear it much,
It wouldnt make her my bride.
CHORUS
VERSE2
Perhaps a wild rose flower,
Snapped away from its home,
I bet she has a garden full,
Guarded by golden gnomes,
Give me a chance to find a gift,
I'll find the key to your heart,
Its just taking some time you see,
And you can't rush art
CHORUS
VERSE3
In the end I do admit,
No gift fit I could find,
That's right it's all you deserve,
Your far too unkind.
CHORUS
Page 1 of 1
Red Plated Lips
Folk/Country
Rate Topic:
MultiQuote
#2
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Main Musical Instrument:vocals
Posted 20 February 2010 - 04:43 AM
You have some really nice, expressive writing here. My main problem is that I don't quite see your message; what is the song trying to say? Related to this, I don't see the relationship between the chorus and the verses...the verses are all about finding the perfect gift, but I don't see how the chorus has anything to do with that. Especially the end "You're far too unkind." I see how the verses lead up to that, but the chorus is interrupting that flow.
Just some thoughts.
Just some thoughts.
#3
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Main Musical Instrument:keyboard
Posted 20 February 2010 - 02:53 PM
Definitely a strong lyric here. The first two lines of the chorus caught my attention (although "oakwood" eyes teetered a bit towards schtick...), but "before the whys and the lies" clicked me on-board.
Verse-1 starts weak: "a bucket" of love? (Not what I usually think of in a bucket.) New word here.
The second half of the verse is very strong: "a diamond ring made of tin and hide." This is an unexpected allegory that definitely (to me) belongs first in the verse because it tells me something about the singer: that he is a working-man who makes things "of tin and hide" and knows that he is neither of the means nor the social position to claim the object of his desire.
This might well be a song that needs two choruses, of the same structure but with different words, so that the story walks forward on the changing choice of words. Having spoken now of "tin" and "hide" it would be swell if each of the words ("oakwood", "plated", "tin", "hide") are all words that this singer would naturally refer to. Each time he does we are learning about him as he regards his hopeless dream.
His quest, by the end of the second verse, is a quest for the "perfect gift," which he cannot attain. This becomes a symbol for the beloved that he cannot attain. Perhaps his notions of the "gift," and likewise of the things ("golden gnomes") that preclude it, grow loftier with each verse.
(Beware of words like "gnome" which have leading silent-consonants and therefore might be mistook when spoken. "Gnome" sounds a lot like "home," and if the listener hears that more-likely word you just had a minor lyrical train-wreck. He's kicked-off the train for half a line trying to figure out what he heard ... or maybe he'll accidentally sing the wrong phrase at the Grammy Awards ceremony.
)
The line, "and you can't rush art" seems off without a prior reference that this man is an artist vs, as I had sort-of expected, maybe a leatherworker or a farrier.
The last two lines of verse #3 seem spiteful and therefore a bit out-of-character. Is there a better line that he could say? (Maybe not, indeed.)
Verse-1 starts weak: "a bucket" of love? (Not what I usually think of in a bucket.) New word here.
The second half of the verse is very strong: "a diamond ring made of tin and hide." This is an unexpected allegory that definitely (to me) belongs first in the verse because it tells me something about the singer: that he is a working-man who makes things "of tin and hide" and knows that he is neither of the means nor the social position to claim the object of his desire.
This might well be a song that needs two choruses, of the same structure but with different words, so that the story walks forward on the changing choice of words. Having spoken now of "tin" and "hide" it would be swell if each of the words ("oakwood", "plated", "tin", "hide") are all words that this singer would naturally refer to. Each time he does we are learning about him as he regards his hopeless dream.
His quest, by the end of the second verse, is a quest for the "perfect gift," which he cannot attain. This becomes a symbol for the beloved that he cannot attain. Perhaps his notions of the "gift," and likewise of the things ("golden gnomes") that preclude it, grow loftier with each verse.
(Beware of words like "gnome" which have leading silent-consonants and therefore might be mistook when spoken. "Gnome" sounds a lot like "home," and if the listener hears that more-likely word you just had a minor lyrical train-wreck. He's kicked-off the train for half a line trying to figure out what he heard ... or maybe he'll accidentally sing the wrong phrase at the Grammy Awards ceremony.
)The line, "and you can't rush art" seems off without a prior reference that this man is an artist vs, as I had sort-of expected, maybe a leatherworker or a farrier.
The last two lines of verse #3 seem spiteful and therefore a bit out-of-character. Is there a better line that he could say? (Maybe not, indeed.)
#4
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Main Musical Instrument:Vocals
Posted 20 February 2010 - 02:58 PM
I would have to agree with toujours
A way to start a song is like this:
1. Take a title: what does the title wanna say? you attract or reject people with your song title
2. Then: what do you want to say with your song? Ask the questions 'what', 'where', 'when', 'how', etc. along with the title.
For example, the titel is: driving home
Why are you driving home?
What is the reason you are away from home?
Where did you drive from?
What is back there, at home?
How did you wind up in the car that is driving you home?
And so on... Use your imagination!
3. Then you start making the chorus. Keep it short, easy to listen to, the chorus is an overview of the entire song, it tells you what it's all about, what you actually wanna tell.
4. In the verses you can explain some more about the chorus.
For example, the first verse could be about you leaving home, because of her. You describe why you are leaving, what happened, and where you're going to
In the 2nd verse you could explain where you'd eventually end up, while you were driving. What happend on that place (any thoughts of feelings that perhaps made you decide to return to her?)
As you are writing, make sure that you use your imagination and fantasy to make clear what you are talking/singing about.
You can say: its raining, the ground is flooded
But you can also say: the clouds are crying, creating little oceans
Another aspect that I really like is rhyming. you can rhyme like this: AABB / ABAB/ xAxA / AAxA / ABBA / and so on, and so on!
Make sure that you stay consistent. But as I can see, you already did that in your song.
So I would like to know, why do you wanna give her all these things?
Does she accept them and why does she, or why doesn't she?
Why is she 'far to unkind'?
I hope this will help you abit
~Lyrise
A way to start a song is like this:
1. Take a title: what does the title wanna say? you attract or reject people with your song title
2. Then: what do you want to say with your song? Ask the questions 'what', 'where', 'when', 'how', etc. along with the title.
For example, the titel is: driving home
Why are you driving home?
What is the reason you are away from home?
Where did you drive from?
What is back there, at home?
How did you wind up in the car that is driving you home?
And so on... Use your imagination!
3. Then you start making the chorus. Keep it short, easy to listen to, the chorus is an overview of the entire song, it tells you what it's all about, what you actually wanna tell.
4. In the verses you can explain some more about the chorus.
For example, the first verse could be about you leaving home, because of her. You describe why you are leaving, what happened, and where you're going to
In the 2nd verse you could explain where you'd eventually end up, while you were driving. What happend on that place (any thoughts of feelings that perhaps made you decide to return to her?)
As you are writing, make sure that you use your imagination and fantasy to make clear what you are talking/singing about.
You can say: its raining, the ground is flooded
But you can also say: the clouds are crying, creating little oceans
Another aspect that I really like is rhyming. you can rhyme like this: AABB / ABAB/ xAxA / AAxA / ABBA / and so on, and so on!
Make sure that you stay consistent. But as I can see, you already did that in your song.
So I would like to know, why do you wanna give her all these things?
Does she accept them and why does she, or why doesn't she?
Why is she 'far to unkind'?
I hope this will help you abit
~Lyrise
This post has been edited by Lyrise: 20 February 2010 - 03:03 PM
#5
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Main Musical Instrument:Guitar
Posted 01 March 2010 - 01:21 PM
Thank you ALL!
I read your replies a few times and looked over the lyrics again, some very helpful comments from you thanks. they've also helped me with a few other songs i've started on just recently.
I've re-worked bits and added bits, if you have time check over the new version and tell me if you think its improved at all.
CHORUS
Her red plated lips,
Her brown oakwood eyes,
Bring them to my lips,
before the whys and the lies.
VERSE1
I could give her all of my love,
But I doubt that that would wow her,
A life of simmering in lemon oil,
Has turned this peach pie sour,
I could give her a diamond ring,
Made from tin and hide,
But she'd probly never wear it much,
It wouldnt make her my bride.
CHORUS
Her silver scented hair,
Her double velvet taste
If only I could make a chair
That would suit her elegant face
VERSE2
Perhaps a wild rose flower,
Snapped away from its home,
I bet she has a garden full,
Guarded by golden gnomes,
Give me a chance to find a gift,
I'll find the key to your heart,
If only she'd give me a second glance
I'm sure i could play the part
CHORUS
Her dandy soft cream hand,
Theres nothing i despise,
I wish she'd hold my hand,
I'll never meet her eyes.
VERSE3
In the end I do admit,
No gift fit I could find,
Fit enough for the one true love,
I only watch from behind,
She'll never know the pain I felt
As she drifted past my life
Harsher than a scold from smelt
Used to plate her butter knife
CHORUS
Her red plated lips,
Her brown oakwood eyes,
I'll never taste her sweet sweet lips,
As long as I'm alive.
I read your replies a few times and looked over the lyrics again, some very helpful comments from you thanks. they've also helped me with a few other songs i've started on just recently.
I've re-worked bits and added bits, if you have time check over the new version and tell me if you think its improved at all.
CHORUS
Her red plated lips,
Her brown oakwood eyes,
Bring them to my lips,
before the whys and the lies.
VERSE1
I could give her all of my love,
But I doubt that that would wow her,
A life of simmering in lemon oil,
Has turned this peach pie sour,
I could give her a diamond ring,
Made from tin and hide,
But she'd probly never wear it much,
It wouldnt make her my bride.
CHORUS
Her silver scented hair,
Her double velvet taste
If only I could make a chair
That would suit her elegant face
VERSE2
Perhaps a wild rose flower,
Snapped away from its home,
I bet she has a garden full,
Guarded by golden gnomes,
Give me a chance to find a gift,
I'll find the key to your heart,
If only she'd give me a second glance
I'm sure i could play the part
CHORUS
Her dandy soft cream hand,
Theres nothing i despise,
I wish she'd hold my hand,
I'll never meet her eyes.
VERSE3
In the end I do admit,
No gift fit I could find,
Fit enough for the one true love,
I only watch from behind,
She'll never know the pain I felt
As she drifted past my life
Harsher than a scold from smelt
Used to plate her butter knife
CHORUS
Her red plated lips,
Her brown oakwood eyes,
I'll never taste her sweet sweet lips,
As long as I'm alive.
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