[CRae]

Walking through Central Park
Getting ready to party
Getting ready to feel the beat
All the way to my feet
And we try to find the spark
Because now it's kinda spotty
When we stop and restart
We've got to get the start An'
Live forever ever ever

I remember we met on our first day
We walked in class in that way I knew
But they
They can't see that day
When I knew it's gonna be me and you
And this night I make my way to you
To you
Where we can stay

[guywhowrites]

I think the first chorus is all right but the second one is kinda awkward... bu still vry good for a first song!

[MikeRobinson]

Discard all but the first 4 lines and keep going. Make me feel that New York Beat in Central Park. Take me there. (I've been there.)

Give me another 12 potent lines. Dig deep. This song (as I visualize it) would not be about any amorphous "you." It would be "Me and Central Park."

[CRae]

My revised version:

Walking through Central Park
Getting ready to party
Getting ready to feel the beat
All the way to my feet
The women sing my sond with a spark
It's the way it goes
Like rain in the night
Like stars in the sky
It jumps off my chest
Like it's just all mine
Like it's Me and Central Park

Don't sing them quiet sing 'em loud
Don't just be a lonely guest
On Central Park and West
Move the party to the street
Get up off them feet with a beat
We are all on a quest
To get life, liberty
The pursuit of perfect love.

[holynapkin]

Ehh, what's this about? A party? I'm not feeling it. I don't know what genre it'd be sung in but I'd imagine some sort of pop? Keep practicing, I'm sure you'll be able to achieve something, but not with this. A decent first attempt, though. My advice would be to pick a genre you like and try to roll with it. Imagine singing the song as you write it and you'll notice what sounds awkward and what sounds good.

[lyricman321]

My thought is that this is a very good first try, better than most. The other posters have covered specifics so my
general advice is when you first start a lyric, decide what it's about, then stay on point.

It seems like this starts pretty good and promises the reader he'll receive more details about this party thing, then it meanders off into some other place before coming back to the party. So there's disappointment, confusion and disengagement rather than a building interest and engagement.


There are some other lyric tips here that might help to read before your rewrite:


http://ezinearticles...t=Bill_E_Watson

Timbo

[CRae]

Thanks everyone....


Any one else?

[CRae]

Walking through Central Park
Getting ready to party
Getting ready to feel the beat
All the way to my feet
The women sing my song with a spark
I fell into it
All around me They
They're truly alive
They are all now free to dance
Free to sing free to know
They will live forever
Don't sing them quiet sing 'em loud
Don't just be a lonely guest
On Central Park and West
Move the party to the street
Get up off them feet with a beat
We are all on a quest
To get life, liberty and
The pursuit of perfect love.

[CRae]

Just doubling checking if anyone else has more suggestions on what I can change the song...