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Hey, your sonnets are definitely getting better! I think you probably know that last line doesn't measure up, though, don't you? (Really, rhyming "God" with "cherry on top".... Plus it doesn't sound all that contrite.) Try this for the closing couplet: "I've sworn by all the angels in heaven/ I beg you, please, may I be forgiven?" Also line 4 is a little clunky, so you might want to play with that one a bit. Minor punctuation points: Put a comma also before "love" in the 3rd line, and take out the comma before "walks on the beach" in the 3rd verse. You might want to change "to say you're sorry" to "to say I'm sorry." Otherwise it's really great. Keep up the good work!

Hey guys... here is another sonnet... Hope you guys like it!

This burden of guilt is the price I pay

Gave you my word, then stabbed you in the back

Please forgive me love, I've made a mistake

One worthwhile to add to all my bad acts

We've played this game like we've put on our shirts

The gap between us wilts 'till we can't breathe

Thrown words like knives, in the end we're both hurt

There's no easy way to say you're sorry

It's not much to say that girl meant nothing

All I have is the truth, although it's weak

A wicked pleasure, that was not loving

Doesn't compare, to those walks on the beach

I've sworn by all the angels of our God

I beg you please, with a cherry on top

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Thanks for the advice, that new couplet is way better! :)

I edited line 4. I'm not super happy with what it is now, but it's at least better than it was.

I'm glad you liked it!

~TIMOTHY~

Edited by Mazrocon
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey guys... here is another sonnet... Hope you guys like it!

This burden of guilt is the price I pay

Gave you my word, then stabbed you in the back

Please forgive me ,love, I've made a mistake

One huge enough to turn my heart pitch black

It's not much to say that girl meant nothing

All I have is the truth, although it's weak

A wicked pleasure, that was not loving

Doesn't compare to those walks on the beach

I've sworn by all the angels in heaven

I beg you, please, may I be forgiven?

Hey Timothy

You're gettin the message loud and clear,It just needs some titbits here and there

Just a suggestion on your line 4 (Huge enough to last my days)

Last line (I beg you please if I may be forgiven)

And instead of "girl", it would be more personal to write "you"

Again, I love your sonnet! I'm not a pro either....

Nick

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Hey 67Nick, Thanks for the advice!

On line 4 I've been having the most trouble. I like your suggestion, but it you read it all the way through it kinda throws off the flow. Sonnets are tricky to write because they are so strict about syllables (each line having the same 10 syllable count).

About line 9 I'm not actually talking about "you" (first person). I'm talking about someone else. "That girl". I was trying to imply that the guy was cheating on her and now he's begging her for forgiveness...

Anyways, I'm glad you liked it and thanks for taking the time to read and review, much appreciated!

~TIMOTHY~

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