14 replies to this topic

[TomWard]

First post here so I think I'll keep it a little safe. This is one I've had for awhile. Pretty standard format.

(modified to include the changed chorus discussed below)

Why Don’t We Go

Lying here beside you, watching shadows in the hall
Moonlight through the window casting bars up on my wall
Another day is waiting for the next one to begin
I don’t think I can do this all again

There’s a world outside worth chasing
Full of happiness and heartbreak
Fortunes to be made
Chances we can take
A world out there that’s waiting
While we wait for something new
This much I know
Why don’t we go

Oh I could keep on working, here in town at the mill
Bringing home a paycheck, that barely pays the bills
We could follow the same cycle, our parents did before
Or tear it up and look for something more

There’s a world outside worth chasing
Full of happiness and heartbreak
Fortunes to be made
Chances we can take
A world out there that’s waiting
While we wait for something new
This much I know
Why don’t we go

Put my arms around you
Feel that new life gently kicking
My emotions just a mix
Of joy and concern
Tomorrow weighing on my mind
Like a clock that keeps on ticking
A clock that keeps on ticking
A clock that keeps on ticking

There’s a world outside worth chasing
Full of happiness and heartbreak
Fortunes to be made
Chances we can take
A world out there that’s waiting
While we wait for something new
This much I know
Why don’t we go

Edited by TomWard, 04 February 2012 - 05:51 PM.

[musicbybruce]

Now you see I feelit reads just fine if you sing it to a tune don't jsut read things David try putting them to a tune in your head my friend and I think you will see.

David good idea but , I lose the flow as I sing along with your way .
I think is a good write.

[calskin]

Hey Tom,

I like this.

I really like how you repeat the clock that keeps on ticking. I think those lines with a pile of emotion and disdain would be great in a spoken word piece.

I agree with David about the chorus, but other than that, it's a great piece.

Cal

[Danka]

What can I say you did a good job and the story is there as well. Very nice.

Edited by Danka, 03 February 2012 - 08:01 AM.

[jamieshears]

funny how something so simple such as repeating the ticking clock line can be so effective - well done on that and the rest of the song.

So, this was your first one (posted here) and you kept it safe...does that mean you've got some crazy stuff to follow?

[TomWard]

jamieshears, on 03 February 2012 - 09:20 AM, said:

funny how something so simple such as repeating the ticking clock line can be so effective - well done on that and the rest of the song.

So, this was your first one (posted here) and you kept it safe...does that mean you've got some crazy stuff to follow?

Well yes. But mainly I write regular ol' songs. But we can go death row, or picking up Satan hitchhiking if you like....

[TomWard]

Thanks for taking a look and making some comments. I will give Dave's idea some thought. I have had people get caught up on that chorus, but I'm concerned that the repeat in the middle breaks the flow.

Maybe shorten it up by dropping the "There" the second time around? Something like this (also assuming you really don't like 'outside'.


There’s a world out there that’s calling
Full of happiness and heartbreak
Fortunes to be made
Chances we can take
A world out there that’s waiting
While we wait for something new
This much I know
Why don’t we go

[TomWard]

HoboSage, on 03 February 2012 - 04:05 PM, said:

I think that works. If you wanted to more avoid a repeat, you could also keep "There's a world out there that's waiting" as the fifth line for the connection to "Why don't we go," but use the life concept you had before for the first line: There's a new life out there/somewhere calling."

Oh I like that. Reusing "new life" in a slightly different, more universal way. What do you think about using "world out there" first chorus and "new life" the second time after introducing the exanding family?

[PhilJ]

I liked the verses but the chorus left me a bit confused.

The feeling in the verses was one of frustration and wanting to leave for a better life - as i saw it. But the chorus has the line - 'Full of happiness and heartbreak' which suggests that the grass may not be greener on the other side after all. It doesn't give a clear indication of anything better than the existing feeling - 'Of joy and concern'. They seem to describe similar situations.

Maybe a change to the chorus as suggested above.

Nice one.

[TomWard]

PhilJ, on 03 February 2012 - 10:02 PM, said:

I liked the verses but the chorus left me a bit confused.

The feeling in the verses was one of frustration and wanting to leave for a better life - as i saw it. But the chorus has the line - 'Full of happiness and heartbreak' which suggests that the grass may not be greener on the other side after all. It doesn't give a clear indication of anything better than the existing feeling - 'Of joy and concern'. They seem to describe similar situations.

Maybe a change to the chorus as suggested above.

Nice one.

What I was going for there is that there's no guarantees. There's the chance for happiness or heartbreak, fortunes or chances (good or bad), but that they weren't going to have a shot at either sitting around repeating their parents lives.

Of course eaiser for me to understand, I made it up!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[McnaughtonPark]

Does this begin with the main character in jail? I'm missing the shadows of bars on the wall bit.

[TomWard]

McnaughtonPark, on 03 February 2012 - 10:11 PM, said:

Does this begin with the main character in jail? I'm missing the shadows of bars on the wall bit.

Sorry if it confused. Thought it was obvious that the moonlight through the window panes was casting shadows on the wall that looked like bars. Which fits with the character feeling trapped.

[chez63]

Hi Tom
I really liked this. I thought it was about a fella who's in a bit of a rut and he has a beautiful wife and a baby on the way and he's saying "let's go out into the world and leave this behind...take some chances...we might find it hard or we might find it wonderful but at least we'll be living not just sitting around waiting for something better to happen." He wants a better life for himself and his family and he knows it's not going to come knocking on their door...they have to go and take it...make it or break it.
That's just what I saw and I love this story because there wouldn't be many who hadn't thought along those lines once in their life. Very easy to relate to and very easy to read.
chez

[taviraman]

Welcome Tom. Like you I am new to the site. I really like what you have here. It is a lovely read. I too liked the ticking clock idea. It work really well in my mind. Good luck

[TomWard]

Thanks everyone for checking it out. Chez, you seem to have gotten right to the core of what I'm trying to say.

Now back to Dave's comments on the chorus. How do you like this version. Trying to keep the flow going but still somewhat repeat the one idea. And we'll split the difference on "out there", "outside".

There’s a world outside worth chasing
Full of happiness and heartbreak
Fortunes to be made
Chances we can take
A world out there that’s waiting
While we wait for something new
This much I know
Why don’t we go

Edited by TomWard, 04 February 2012 - 05:51 PM.