12 replies to this topic

[ellacantwrite]

This song is about a relationship I'm in, and it is meant to make me sound completely pathetic, because I feel completely pathetic.



This song is about a relationship I'm in, and it is meant to make me sound completely pathetic, because I feel completely pathetic.

VERSE 1

You're all talk and you mean what you say,

You know that I will always stay.

You know what you want and that’s what you get,

You get what you want and I'm not it,

But you like the way I look upon your shelf,

Being your trophy steals my sense of self,

I know I should go, I should run away,

But you know that I will always stay.

CHORUS

Friend, you are no friend of mine,

But I fall for your words ever time,

Everything you say, I know it's true,

But it still means nothing when it comes from you,

Friend, we both know I should run away,

But I know you know I will always stay.

VERSE 2

You know I've got nothing better to do,

You know I'm not gonna give up on you,

You give hope that's not yours to give,

You give me hope that you'll help me live,

But you just want me by your side,

For those fleeting moments I cross your mind,

Until you're distracted by something new,

You know I'm not gonna give up on you,

CHORUS

Friend, you are no friend of mine,

But I fall for your words ever time,

Everything you say, I know it's true,

But it still means nothing when it comes from you,

Friend, we both know I should give up on you,

But we know I've got nothing else to do.

BRIDGE

And I hate that you are entwined,

All through my life, my body, my mind,

You know I'll never let you go,

You know you're all I know,

CHORUS

But friend, you're no friend of mine,

But I fall for your words ever time,

Everything you say, I know it's true,

But it still means nothing when it comes from you,

Friend, you're no friend of mine,

You're no friend of mine.

I'm thinking I should maybe make both choruses the same?


I'm thinking I should maybe make both choruses the same?

Edited by ellacantwrite, 04 February 2012 - 04:30 PM.

[LilOrange]

I have nothing to add It's very good. Maybe you should only mark the verses and choruses so it's more visible.

Edited by LilOrange, 04 February 2012 - 04:11 PM.

[ellacantwrite]

ah yes! point taken! thanks LilOrange!!!

[jimharmon]

Doesn't have to be exactaly the same....call it an outro:

[tomcollins]

bridge body, soul and mind , seems to fit, very rare that I offer words to others , but....
rock on

[chez63]

I really enjoyed this Ella a really good write..but I tend to agree with David that it's a little confusing in that one little area...although I might just be missing something (wouldn't be a rare occurrence for me lol)
Apart from that ...a really good solid write.
chez

[taviraman]

Really powerful stuff and very personal too. Reads very well. Not competent enough to comment on the bridge/chorus arena but I like it and that all that matters. You write very well.

[ellacantwrite]

nah the falling for true words is intentional, the person in question always means what they say, but never comes through on it. so theyre telling the truth, but it doesnt reall mean anything sorry it is a bit confusing, i guess thats why i fall for it!

[jamieshears]

Hi Ella, you should remove the first "t" from your username.

I enjoyed reading this, however I don't think it really went anywhere. The story didn't really progress - V2 seemed an extension of V1. And the bridge, while a different structure, was still...more of the same.

The reason I enjoyed it was because there are some good lines in there. You can write. I was just expecting something more to happen after the first verse...I know this is boring, but perhaps you could make a little plan of how you want the story to develop over the course of the song. V1 could be something like how he sincerely promises the world and delivers nothing and you know you should go, but so far you haven't. Chorus could maybe go on about his good points, or the life you could/should be living. V2 could be about how you have left or whatever. The bridge could then introduce something that you haven't been able to mention in the verses or chorus.....just my 2 cents and you can ignore (don't read any of my songs, otherwise this advice would be immediately discredited! )

So, I look forward to the rewrite, or your next song!

cheers,
Jamie
P.S. I realise this is based on something that's personal and obviously sensitive - I'm just looking at it from a story-telling type perspective

[ellacantwrite]

no thats a great idea! i sort of dabbled with it, when i talk about giving hope etc... but i didnt really commit because i was angry and just wanted to badmouth him haha! but now i look at it and i agree, im on it!
thanks for that!

[TomWard]

Well done. Some really good lines. I especially liked this pair:

"You know what you want and that’s what you get,
You get what you want and I'm not it"

Suggestions would be to work on the chorus a little. The verses are lengthy and the rhyming is all in pairs. The chorus tends to be the same. I think you could make the chorus a little more punchy. Shorten the lines just a little and maybe mix up the rhyme scheme. But if the chorus rhymes work best that way then definitely do something different with the bridge to change things up.

[chez63]

Hey guess what Ella... I was coming in to say exactly what Jamie already did lol. You should call yourself ellaCANwrite...you are very good. Also what you said about words being true but meaning nothing when it comes from that person...I get it pretty clear now
chez

[allisterlouison]

great read, all i have to say is thumbs up across the board with this one