24 replies to this topic

[jamieshears]

Wanted to work on this one a little more as I really liked bits of it...so, here goes (oh and sorry about the formatting, just copy and pasted from Word)

A Little Too Little

V1
Making love to no one in particular Gave your love to no one in particular
You wonder why they don’t try to remember you [ya] Lost my trust, for lust, he won’t remember ya
Playing games, forgetting names and breaking my heart Playing games, forgetting names and breaking my heart
Were you always this way, fooling ‘round from the start Did you always play away, fooling ‘round from the start

At first I thought you were sent down from heaven At first I thought you were sent down from heaven
An angel just for me, someone to believe in An angel just for me, someone to believe in
You say that you love me, we both know it isn’t true You say that you love me, we both know that isn’t true
You say that you’re sorry, but I don’t believe you You say that you’re sorry, but I don’t believe in you

C
It’s a little too little It’s a little too little and it’s getting kinda late
And it’s getting kinda late I’m not buying all your lying, I’m forgetting your face
I need to be working on Stop your trying, I’m not crying, not for you now more
Forgetting your face ‘coz your lines mean too little and they’re comin’ in late
And if you’re not gone before sunrise
I’m gonna tell the whole world all your lies

V2
Waking up to face the facts now seems so easy Waking up to face the facts now seems so easy
There was a time I bought every line you sold me There was a time your lines I bought from you so cheaply
“We’re just friends, all these men, don’t be paranoid” “We’re just friends, all these men, don’t be paranoid”
Wish I’d known when we met you were one to avoid Ignored the signs, and your eyes, the tricks that you employed

Perhaps I should be thanking you for this lesson Perhaps I should be thanking you for this lesson
Although love is blind I should still see the person Although love is blind I should still see the person
And maybe next time I’ll know what to look out for And maybe next time I’ll know what to look out for
And then next time I’ll be quicker out that door And then next time I’ll be quicker out that door

C C
It’s a little too little It’s a little too little and it’s getting kinda late
And it’s getting kinda late I’m not buying all your lying, I’m forgetting your face
I need to be working on Stop your trying, I’m not crying, not for you now more
Forgetting your face ‘coz your lines mean too little and they’re comin’ in late
And if you’re not gone before sunrise
I’m gonna tell the whole world all your lies

B B
Not falling for you lies again Not falling for you lies again
It’s time for you to go It’s time for you to go
Go find another sucker Go find another sucker
To pay your rent To pay your rent

C
It’s a little too little It’s a little too little and it’s getting kinda late
And it’s getting kinda late I’m not buying all your lying, I’m forgetting your face
I need to be working on Stop your trying, I’m not crying, not for you now more
Forgetting your face ‘coz your lines mean too little and they’re comin’ in late
And if you’re not gone before sunrise
I’m gonna tell the whole world all your lies

© Jamie Shearer 2012

Edited by jamieshears, 09 April 2012 - 09:05 PM.

[nowhereman88]

I enjoyed reading this. It really flowed smoothly. Although, the line "And if your're not gone before sunrise; I'm gonna tell the world all your lies" sounds a little off to me...maybe its just the way I read it in my mind.

[MariaKay]

This is so emotional and deep! A great write so far! Is it based upon real life? Also, what genre is it? It strikes me as a potential country song.

[jamieshears]

Thanks for readind and commenting nowhereman and Maria.

It really is a work in progress. I needed to get that first line out there, plus the "little too little and it's getting kinda late" was driving me insane for too long...the rest of the song I'm completely prepared to revisit and make any required changes.

It's purely fictional and I didn't really intend for it to be, but it just feels country to me too...

Thanks again for stopping by!

[jimharmon]

Another satisfying progression. A clever title and recognition of how things go.
I was wondering if that's why you moved...guess not

[McnaughtonPark]

And that first line has me a bit puzzled. After reading thru it, I get that it's the other person sleeping around, but I initially did think it began with the singer/performer being the one sleeping around.

Gonna have to take this one in sections as I post.

[McnaughtonPark]

So, I like the melody I am singing this to, but since it's probably not what you're singing, It doesn't scan well.

I actually really like the position and wording of the hook, to me it works. I'm not so sure about the last two lines of the chorus, but only because they seem to weaken the idea instead of driving it home because they are so familiar.

I heard an author say something on the radio this morning that I am going to try to do with my currnet lyric and thought I'd share it with you. Write as if you are whispering this into her ear. I can't wait to try it myself, don't know if it'll help or not.

Peace Jamie, I'll be back

MP

[JanHutchinson]

Jamie

I think you have some really good ideas here.

Something which has crossed my mind is that it could be written in the third person.

I am thinking something along similar lines to 'Bette Davis Eyes' - so that you are still telling the story about this woman - although by varying this approach you can also still say what she has done to you.

This fictional woman sounds like a real cow, by the way but because of that, to my mind at least, there is just something a bit uncomfortable when it is you telling her - it would sound less angry if you were telling someone else about it.

This is just a rough idea but you could have something like this:


She's making love to no one in particular
And wonders why they never remember her
Playing games, forgetting names, breaking my heart
Has she always been this way, fooling ‘round from the start?

At first I thought she'd been sent down from heaven
An angel sent just for me, someone to believe in
She tells me that she'll stay like I wanted her to
She says that she loves me but I know it's untrue

In this way, the listener can be 'invited into' the story and can empathise with you. When it is between you and the woman it is almost as though the listener is eavesdropping in on a conversation. Maybe that is why it just sounds a bit uncomfortable to me, although I know there are so many songs like that!


or another approach could be: (and this is more like 'Betty Davis')

She's making love to no one in particular
And wonders why they never remember her
Playing games, forgetting names, she breaks many hearts
Has she always been this way, fooling 'round from the start?

At first you'll think she's been sent down from heaven
An angel sent just for you, someone to believe in
She'll tell you that she'll stay like you wanted her to
She'll say she loves you when she knows it's untrue



Just a few thoughts I had, Jamie, I apologise if this is completely on the wrong track!

Good luck with this one

Jan

Edited by JanHutchinson, 28 March 2012 - 07:19 AM.

[jamieshears]

I heard an author say something on the radio this morning that I am going to try to do with my currnet lyric and thought I'd share it with you. Write as if you are whispering this into her ear. I can't wait to try it myself, don't know if it'll help or not.

Nice, MP - will try it too! Thanks for the feedback. This really is an early version of this one - just needed to get it out there to get the ball rolling.

Thanks Jan - I like what you've suggested. I'm looking forward to trying MP's point above, but will also try your suggestion too. I like your comment about eavesdropping - it makes sense and especially for something so personal (fictionally speaking, of course!).

David, thanks for the tipoff - I have heard of PB, but not that song. I'll certainly check it out. And here I was thinking I was the first to come up with "a little too little"!!! Oh no! I just read the lyrics - they're pretty close. Her's are: "It's a little too little / It's a little too late" and I assume it's probably just about an identical melody. I'll listen to the song tonight, but I'll be sending in the lawyers if it's too close (she obviously has a time machine and somehow landed in my living room on Sunday night and stolen these from me!)....

[JanHutchinson]

Nice, MP - will try it too! Thanks for the feedback. This really is an early version of this one - just needed to get it out there to get the ball rolling.

Thanks Jan - I like what you've suggested. I'm looking forward to trying MP's point above, but will also try your suggestion too. I like your comment about eavesdropping - it makes sense and especially for something so personal (fictionally speaking, of course!).

David, thanks for the tipoff - I have heard of PB, but not that song. I'll certainly check it out. And here I was thinking I was the first to come up with "a little too little"!!! Oh no! I just read the lyrics - they're pretty close. Her's are: "It's a little too little / It's a little too late" and I assume it's probably just about an identical melody. I'll listen to the song tonight, but I'll be sending in the lawyers if it's too close (she obviously has a time machine and somehow landed in my living room on Sunday night and stolen these from me!)....

Jamie

I am sorry, I don't mean to trash your song

There is nothing wrong with the way you have written it - it was just ideas.

Good luck!

Jan

[SamDavison]

This def. flowed really well! It was one of those songs, that reminded me what good song writing is, what I really liked about it is that you had a way of holding your own style, it doesn't remind me of something someone has already written which is awesome.

[jamieshears]

Jan - absolutely no need to apologise - you didn't trash my lyrics. I really liked your suggestion and at the weekend I'll sit down and start the rewrites and seriously consider your idea. Unfortunately (unfortunate because now I have two opposing and really useful suggestions!), MP put the idea into my head about whispering it into "her" ear and I'd really like to try that. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

Thank you for the feedback Sam, it's much appreciated.

David, I've listened to Ms Benatar's song now and she can rest easy. I've told my legal team to stand down. The melody for those two lines (in my head) is different enough I think. She has a definite break between the two whereas mine flow more like one line. Probably hard to describe without actually singing, but as you know that would just ruin it completely! I imagine it sung in a Johnny Cash type voice - especially the "late"...like I said, hard to describe, but I know what I mean!

Edited by jamieshears, 29 March 2012 - 07:57 AM.

[AndrewReich]

I enjoy the song, the individual lines are great in themselves, but I think it could be a little better. The chorus could be a little stronger, and there could be a little more imagery, but other than that you have a great song here good sir!

[Alyricman]

It's a great work! I enjoyed reading this, there're a lot of great ideas. It's very emotional and sad. The title is great and very catchy...


"And if you’re not gone before sunrise
I’m gonna tell the whole world all your lies" - a good way to end the story.

Good job! I really like this one!

[jamieshears]

Thanks for stopping by and commenting Andrew and Alyricman. I'm going to take all the feedback onboard over the weekend with a round or two or rewrites.

Thanks again guys!

[jamieshears]

bump for rewrite....cheers

[McnaughtonPark]

Waking up to face the facts now seems so easy
There was a time your lines I bought from you so cheaply
“We’re just friends, all these men, don’t be paranoid”
Ignored the signs, and your eyes, the tricks that you employed

I always have a hard time with something in quotes without a "you said", or "she said", before or after it. Maybe it's just me, but when this is sung, will the listener understand it's her saying it?

[JanHutchinson]

Jamie

It's great to see your re-working of this one.

It's looking really good, I think the only thought I had was for the final line, I think I might have slightly changed and said 'they've come too late'

Good luck with this one

Jan

[tomcollins]

GOOD WRITE , I agree with tom tho one that one part ,I had to read it twice , but then sang it and it came easier, for me , the bridge and last line of the chorus , just didnt work ! also with it in a better format might make it easier for me , you know us ol' guys are set in our reading habits !! lol, like the write ,or re write , just the bridge it didnt fit well with me , mostly , the other stuff was really minor !!!!
good write !!!!or re write !!
ROCK ON !!!!

[tomcollins]

Oh yea was reading the older posts , you guys ever try the ear and whisper thing ,lol, kinda funny and I will never admit i did it , but may try !!lol
rock on