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Your Destination


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  • Noob

the song basically talks about how we all gonna die one day so what is the use of collecting all the wealth that we do and what makes it worse are the ways we adopt to collect this wealth

your destination even you don't know

from where you've come and where you'll go

you keep chasing mere illusions

but the greater enigma still eludes you

you've made mere origami your almighty

and no amount of it's blessings are satisfactory

you'll rob and even kill to get all you want

and when you gotta stop even you don't know

and that is where the enigma lies

no matter what you plunder it ends with life

you keep chasing mere illusions

but the greater enigma still eludes you

Edited by devashish
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  • Noob

hey guys this is just my first song so i want some critical reviews in order to improve

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  • 3 weeks later...

Um... Not getting the origami reference.

There is no way for me to do this easy.

Scratch - your destination from the first line.

Your goal is to build a story. Not start with a conclusion. Your Destination is a conclusion.

The rest of your first verse should be a chorus. A chorus is where you explain the content.

A verse is usually the setup. This is where you tell the story about where the person is going or where they've been.

This:

Your everlasting summer

You can see it fading fast

So you grab a piece of something

That you think is gonna last

You wouldn't know a diamond

If you held it in your hand

The things you think are precious

I can't understand

{steely dan- reelin in the years}

Is a verse it tells a story it give specifics. Specifics are missing from your material. It's the evidence that draws you to a conclusion. You need to provide evidence. Details otherwise all you have is vague generalities. A good song writer is a story teller. Tell the story.

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I like the last paragraph. I'm not sure that I understand the origami reference, so some explanation might help.

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