The First Lyrics Challenge Is....

[john]

Hi Gang

 

It's a new group so it might take a little time to get to speed with members taking part. Please invite other members you think might enjoy a weekly lyrics writing challenge! One new challenge a week with the purpose of expanding lyrics skills and understanding.

 

The first challenge is something many songwriters struggle with. Being positive without being too cheesey!

 

The Challenge

 

The first weekly challenge is to write an upbeat song about or related to "summer".

 

Post your work as soon as possible Discussion of the lyrics is more important than the contest, but how others rate our work angainst others is a very useful feedback to songwriters so a poll will be added on submitted works in 6 days.

 

So please, write your lyrics, post them to the group discussion board and then take part in the analysis of your own and other member's lyrics.

 

Have fun!

 

Cheers

 

John

[Kel]

Summer isn't always fun down here in Oz...

 

On The Line

 

It was a hundred in the shade when the call came in

I was clearing dry leaves from my drain.

Suzie called up from the base of the ladder, said

"You're needed down the station again."

 

Thirty minutes later in the back of the truck

We were heading south down the road.

Skipper sent my crew out to cut a fast break

So the fire wouldn't threaten homes.

 

     If only he knew...

     What he was sending us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

We were working a break about half a mile or so long

Between the highway and the river bank.

We could see the smoke around three miles north,

But we still had the wind at our backs.

 

It looked like we were winning when the sun went down

We were having a rest, were on pace.

It was one of those things, ain't nobody's fault,

It had shifted now wind blew in our face!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

Bridge

It was hot as hell, I'm not ashamed to say

I was prayin' with the rest of my crew.

With a roar loud enough to deafen the Devil,

In a head-long rush it came through...

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

When the door was opened by the skip and his team,

I don't know how long I'd been out.

With a sigh of relief he helped me down from the truck,

Left me standing on the black burned out ground.

 

With a cry of despair Skip climbed in the truck,

I span 'round, someone grabbed at my shirt.

The others in the truck were not moving at all,

I dropped to my knees in the dirt!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew

     At the time.

 

     If only we knew

     What he he was sending us to.

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

[goldylocks]

Hey Kel, I really liked the story line in your lyrics, and the imagery was great. My only nit is your chorus seems weak for such powerful lyrics. Suggestion for your chorus below. It's only a suggestion to help that's all. Also this leads into your other verses.  Other than that great lyrics.

 

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

     If only he knew

     In a few more hours

     We'd be running

     Out of time

[Kel]

Hi Goldy,

Thanks for the idea. The chorus was originally an idea for a pre-chorus or rise, but I didn't want to give away what would happen further on, not that your addition would either.

Kel

[Kel]

Nice stuff... summery without the cheese...

Kel

[James Anderson]

                        last taste of   summer

 

your love was my last taste of summer

and the good times to

when darkness falls im a lone

winter calls for those for got on

only blues can carry me on 

 

bring me back the summer

i still think of you

though the spring is gone

for me theres only you

only blues can carry me on

 

just like winter

im alone with out you

the cold it drains me to

restless days and sleepless nights

all a lone i think of you

 

bring me back the summer

and the good times to

come back to me precious one

your love was my last taste of summer

summer was my last taste of loving you

 

though the days feel like autumn

in the summer im still with you

bring me back the summer

summer was my last taste

of loving you loving you loving you

[john]

 

Summer isn't always fun down here in Oz...

 

On The Line

 

It was a hundred in the shade when the call came in

I was clearing dry leaves from my drain.

Suzie called up from the base of the ladder, said

"You're needed down the station again."

 

Thirty minutes later in the back of the truck

We were heading south down the road.

Skipper sent my crew out to cut a fast break

So the fire wouldn't threaten homes.

 

     If only he knew...

     What he was sending us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

We were working a break about half a mile or so long

Between the highway and the river bank.

We could see the smoke around three miles north,

But we still had the wind at our backs.

 

It looked like we were winning when the sun went down

We were having a rest, were on pace.

It was one of those things, ain't nobody's fault,

It had shifted now wind blew in our face!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us to..

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

Bridge

It was hot as hell, I'm not ashamed to say

I was prayin' with the rest of my crew.

With a roar loud enough to deafen the Devil,

In a head-long rush it came through...

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

When the door was opened by the skip and his team,

I don't know how long I'd been out.

With a sigh of relief he helped me down from the truck,

Left me standing on the black burned out ground.

 

With a cry of despair Skip climbed in the truck,

I span 'round, someone grabbed at my shirt.

The others in the truck were not moving at all,

I dropped to my knees in the dirt!

 

     If only he knew...

     What he had sent us into...

     If only we knew

     At the time.

 

     If only we knew

     What he he was sending us to.

     If only we knew, 

     On the Line...

 

 

Hey Kel

 

It's maybe summer based, but not the most up beat song I've seen lol When I suggested this topic the idea was to get songwriters to confront writing an upbeat song, light on the cheese, based on summer, as it is a road well travelled and traditionally not easy for songwriters to tackle.

 

All that said, I liked your lyrics. They progress well and the topic evolves quite nicely. I like your conversational style.

 

Cheers

 

John

[john]

Well wrote this yesterday twiddled with it today, fun upbeat and about summer as per the brief .

 

I'm sure it will need a few tweaks though.

 

Hope you enjoy

 

I Love Summer

 

I love summer

Wished it stay

Beautiful sunshine

Everyday

 

Pretty girls in  

Summer clothes

Looking for love

Mmm Who knows

 

Down on the beach

Out on the town

Everyone smiling

Never a frown

 

The sun is high

The sky is blue

Not a thing

I’d rather do

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

 

She walked by

Gave a smile

Big n bright

Stretched a mile

 

I said hello

She said Hi to

Carried on talking

All summer through

 

Now summers over

We’ve parted ways

Summer romance

Our sunny days

 

All behind us

Until next year

We’ll be back

For summer cheer

 

I love summer and all it brings

Surf and swim, lie on the beach

Sunshine and laughter, birds that sing

Beautiful gi----rls

Like you.

 

Excellent! You stuck to the brief well and used quite a lot of common summer images in a natural way which really helped with the flow. I'm a fan of short simple lines that convey alot and you managed that here. Good job.

[Kel]

oops

[john]

                        last taste of   summer

 

your love was my last taste of summer

and the good times to

when darkness falls im a lone

winter calls for those for got on

only blues can carry me on 

 

bring me back the summer

i still think of you

though the spring is gone

for me theres only you

only blues can carry me on

 

just like winter

im alone with out you

the cold it drains me to

restless days and sleepless nights

all a lone i think of you

 

bring me back the summer

and the good times to

come back to me precious one

your love was my last taste of summer

summer was my last taste of loving you

 

though the days feel like autumn

in the summer im still with you

bring me back the summer

summer was my last taste

of loving you loving you loving you

 

Hey Az

 

A little like Kel's lyrics your lyrics are struggling to be upbeat, but that would always be the struggle with a topic that was about the end of something good.

 

Grammar and word choice is a bit off and that makes the flow hard on reading, although it might sound ok when singing as phonetically it's close.

 

For example the first section should be:

 

Your love was my last taste of summer

and the good times too

When darkness falls im alone

Winter calls for those forgotten

Only the blues can carry me on

 

In the last line of that section I have also inserted the word "the" to be more grammatically correct, however you could get away with the existing wording.

 

There's no real hook line. If anything it would be "Loving You" as that is the commonly repeated element in the last line of some sections, or "Bring Me Back The Summer" as that is repeated in a couple of sections as the first line. For those reasons either one of those lines would probably be a stronger title.

 

Thematically it wanders a bit and is emotionally a bit confused. You want summer back but it is the blues that keeps you going, which I take to be  a blue feeling, rather than blues the music genre.

 

There's no chorus or refrain. It can work, but it's a bit like getting through a brick wall with a tooth pick. ie by not using one it makes it a far harder prospect to turn into a popular work. It can of course be done, but it is more of a slow burner in terms of lyrical appeal. It takes listeners to learn the whole song to be able to sing along.

 

Just some thoughts

[john]

oops

 

That's okay Kel. It's an challenge for you. Not a demand from me Songwriters regularly put off writing lyrics that are harder for them to write... which does little to expand their skills. I'm hoping that the challenge aspect will be a useful way to help writers push their boundaries in a situation they can get candid and frank feedback they can directly make use off. Just now I'm posting simple overview comments, in the hope that everyone involved will start inspecting the posted works and start discussing their merits. A challenge. A workshop. A contest. All in one

[Kel]

Never let it be said, I don't rise to a challenge...

 

Those Summer Songs

 

I open my eyes

It's just gone five

And I'm ready to roll.

My mate's got his lead

He's waitin' for me

By the back door....

 

I'm dressed for show

it's gone eight so

Better be makin' tracks.

My last day's on

Then I'll be gone

Won't be lookin' back...

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

 

At the office and

The boss goes mad

As the day drags on.

I can't believe

I still got three

hours doing this... 

 

but then...

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

 

Beach Boys,

Jan and Dean

Martha and the Muffins...

California Girls

Surf City

Echo Beach, when the sun goes down.....

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

Hot and heated, livin' those summer songs...

Hot and heated, lovin' those summer songs...

[goldylocks]

Played with Guitar


Well I re posted my lyrics, thought I would give a shot. Thanks John for the encouragement to stick around.

Revised version:

Oh Summertime Sings to You
Verse:

Top down cruising the beach
Sunlight beams down from the sky
Wind blows wildly through your hair
As you watch seagulls fly by

Verse:

Children laughing and splashing
Frolicking in blue water tide
Pretty girls wearing bikinis
Take surf boards out for a ride

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you
Oh Summer time sings to you
There's music through the air
An orchestra of joy
Is playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you
Oh Summer time sings to you
Charming everyone around
Making hearts beat faster
With a romantic sound

Verse:

You hear waves crashing
Lying with your girl on the sand
Kissing her in the moonlight
Lovers walk by hand in hand

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you
Oh Summer time sings to you
There's music through the air
An orchestra of joy
Is playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you
Oh Summer time sings to you
Charming everyone around
Making hearts beat faster
With a romantic sound

Ending Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you
Oh Summer time sings to you
Makes you burst into a smile
Hearing a Summer melody
If only for a little while

 

 

Edited November 1, 2013 by goldylocks

[James Anderson]

hi john  i wasnt sure should i have put a  lone as one word or  two i think one word is better   for got  ton  i think i should have put it as one  i didnt spell it the proper way ie as forgotten   i like to write my lyrics spelt the way i want them to sound rather than follow proper english because i think lyrics carry more information   i didnt put the word  the  because i was doing a complicated thing with the listener i was having two conversations at once i was talking about  blues music  and being blue which fead my blues guitar playing  which would be the guitar solo as the music hook  the lyric hook of the song  i tried to keep ambiguous i did hint at it in the title  ie  last taste of summer  and did play around with it ie   your love was my last taste of summer summer was my last taste of loving you  when i talk about ie bring me back the summer  what i am saying is im not interested in getting summer back at all its just saying i want the women back it just happened to be a summer romance  a bit like 10cc song im not in love thanks for criticing the song    

[Lisa Gates]

I had really wanted to shelf this one until I came up with a melody and/or bridge but a challenge is a challenge so here is:

 

Summertime Breeze by Lisa M. Guzda

 

I love the cry of the seagulls

And the sound of the waves

Feel the sand between my toes

And thoughts of you on my brain

 

Meditate and find my peace

Centering my very soul

Feeling the constant wind

I am content, and feel whole

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

 

A certain smell of salty air

Puts a big smile upon my face

Letting me know I’m awfully close

To a very special place

 

The ocean begs and it pleads

Asking me to never leave

Who am I to disappoint

It’s my time for a reprieve

 

Summertime Breeze

Take me away

Smell the rum and suntan lotion

Summertime breeze

Oh please don’t stop

Make believe I’m at the ocean

Edited June 14, 2013 by lguzda

[Lisa Gates]

 

Played with Guitar 

 

 

Well I re posted my lyrics, thought I would give a shot. Thanks John for the encouragement to stick around. 

 

Oh Summertime Sings to You

Verse:

Riding on the beach in a convertible

Sunlight beams down from the sky

Wind blows wildly through your hair

As you watch seagulls fly by 

Verse:

Children laugh and splash

Frolicking in blue water tide

Pretty girls wearing tiny bikinis

Take surf boards out for a ride

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you 

Oh Summer time sings to you 

There's music flowing in the air

An orchestra of Summer joy

Playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you 

Oh Summer time sings to you

Enchanting everyone around

Making hearts beat faster

With a romantic sound

Verse:

Listening to waves on the shore

You lie with your girl on the sand

Kissing her softly, holding her tight

As lovers walk by hand in hand

Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you 

Oh Summer time sings to you

There's music flowing in the air

An orchestra of Summer joy

Playing everywhere

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

Enchanting everyone around

Making hearts beat faster

With a romantic sound

Ending Chorus:

Oh Summer time sings to you

Oh Summer time sings to you

Making you burst into a smile

Hearing a Summer melody

If only for a while 

•  

 

 

Hi GL,

I was hoping you'd give it another try. This is fun and such a great learning process all the time! The things I've learned here in just six months is amazing!

I was wondering about the count in the first lines of each verse they seem to change from 5 syllables to 8 to 11. I think that makes it hard to put a melody to but you paint such a good picture with them it's hard to say!

Enjoyed your lyrics very much!

All the best, Lisa

[Lisa Gates]

Never let it be said, I don't rise to a challenge...

 

Those Summer Songs

 

I open my eyes

It's just gone five

And I'm ready to roll.

My mate's got his lead

He's waitin' for me

By the back door....

 

I'm dressed for show

it's gone eight so

Better be makin' tracks.

My last day's on

Then I'll be gone

Won't be lookin' back...

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

 

At the office and

The boss goes mad

As the day drags on.

I can't believe

I still got three

hours doing this... 

 

but then...

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

 

Beach Boys,

Jan and Dean

Martha and the Muffins...

California Girls

Surf City

Echo Beach, when the sun goes down.....

 

Radio's playing all those summer songs

Birds are singin' sweeter as the day goes on

There's something in the air

There's something in the water

There's something goin' on

And I know it's gonna

Be hot and heated, livin' those summer songs.

 

Hot and heated, livin' those summer songs...

Hot and heated, lovin' those summer songs...

Kel, I know you can't help it but I love the Aussie flavor in this one. I can just hear the accent! The song really seems to build at the end. I suppose you already have music for this...lucky devil!

[Kel]

Aussie flavour? With all those American song references? As for music, bits and pieces is all, so far lol

 

K

[Kel]

Hi Kel

Thanks for the comment, your 1st song is quite moving and sounds almost like it was a personal experience for you. I remember reading/hearing on the news about some guys that got caught out as your song describes and perished in their truck, I feel sad for them.

Skin

 

Hi mate, not a personal experience for me touch wood, but yes, there are quite a few who have perished for the many. One such tragedy happened much like this, though there were no survivors. I believe they died from the smoke, not the fire, thankfully.

 

For you Americans, I'm sure you'll appreciate this... Every summer various state governments hire water dumping helos from your forrestry outfits, specifically to keep your crews trained and to help during our fire danger peak. During one such fire a few years ago, one ground team was surrounded by fire when it came up all around them, and they had humped in, so no truck to take refuge in. One of your helos saw their situation while enroute to dump on a break somewhere and dumped his whole load right down on them. Cleared a safe zone around them and saved their lives in the process. Four firefighters went home at the end of that fire due to your helo... who incidentally, bears a rather famous name... Elvis and his crew are all hailed as heroes in Australia!

[goldylocks]

Hi GL,

I was hoping you'd give it another try. This is fun and such a great learning process all the time! The things I've learned here in just six months is amazing!

I was wondering about the count in the first lines of each verse they seem to change from 5 syllables to 8 to 11. I think that makes it hard to put a melody to but you paint such a good picture with them it's hard to say!

Enjoyed your lyrics very much!

All the best, Lisa

 

Lisa I changed the verses, to where the syllables are 1 or 2 apart, thank you , I'm new at writing lyrics and I thought if it rhymed it was good to go. It sounded like it flowed well, so I thought it was okay. Again thank you for your review and help.

 

Goldy      

Edited June 14, 2013 by goldylocks