Challenge #26 - What's In A Name?

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Your mission, should you choose to accept it.

 

Are your lyrics good enough?

 

Bobby "Rubber" Pants, lead singer of Zed Lepplin would like a new folk / blues fusion ballad. Luckily they contacted Songstuff, as they wanted a choice of the best lyrics around.

 

Other than genre, and the fact it has to be a ballad, Rubber's only stipulation was that the song had the title "The Crossing". Apparently the name came to Rubber in a dream. Saddly he was woken for lunch beofre he got passed the title.

 

Do you think you can deliver?

 

The winning entry (as chosen by Rubber and the Songstuff staff) will be featured in the newsletter in two weeks time. That's right, the entire membership will get your lyrics in their mailbox.

 

Your draft lyrics can be posted to the critique board.

 

Your finished lyrics should be posted to the Showcase board.

***Please add to existing thread titled "Challenge #26 Lyrical Collection - What's In A Name?"

 

 

Good luck!

 

Cheers

 

John

[goldylocks]

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34555-challlenge-entry-the-crossing/

 

The Crossing

 

Verse:

 

I'm laying down this rebel life

Finished with drugs, rock and roll strife

Won't ride no more hills and valleys

Dead- end streets or lonely alley

 

Verse:

 

Liquor shots are making me drown 

Crack's high kicks reality down

Paranoi locks my mind in a cell 

I streak like I'm a bat out of hell

 

Chorus:

 

I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

I'm at the Crossing

Truth's raising it's head

I'm changing my life

Or it's Hell when I'm dead

 

 

Verse:

 

Hard Rock beats up my sanity 

Luxury feeds on my vanity 

The Money god knows me by name

I'm tired of feel nothing but pain 

 

Bridge:

 

I hear there's a Heavenly place 

That leads to eternal splendor

Peace and love can be found

Where angelic music resounds 

 

Chorus:

 

I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

I'm at the Crossing

Truth's raising it's head

I'm changing my life

Or It's Hell when I'm dead

 

 

 

Goldy          

 

 

Edited January 27, 2014 by goldylocks

[Kel]

This was my original. I've followed the guru's destructions and the thread pertaining to the latest version is:

 

Final Version 7 Feb 2014 07:44 GMT+10

 

 http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34550-challenge-entry-the-crossing/

 

The Crossing

 

At the crossing as a child

I'd sit for a while

Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere.

I'd be counting all the cars

For no purpose I suppose

And I wondered where the mighty diesel goes.

 

At the crossing in my youth

All my friends were so uncouth

But I didn't even notice what they're doing.

As the diesel thundered by

In the clickety clack

I found peace in the mayhem at my back.

 

And in my rebel years I thought

All the freedom that I sought

Could be found within the rattle of the rails.

At the crossing late one night

I slipped aboard and travelled light

On a diesel heading north I sought my grail.

 

At the crossing up ahead

There's a boy in tattered threads

Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere.

He's counting all the trucks

For no purpose that he knows

And I see he's dreaming where the diesel goes

Edited February 6, 2014 by Kel

[Kel]

 

 1st draft, any suggestions?

 

 

The Crossing

 

Verse:

 

I'm laying down life's hard load

At the end of my weary road

Won't ride no hills and valleys

Mess with enemies or allies 

 

Verse:

 

Liquor's curse is letting me drown 

Cocaine's high ls pulling me down 

The sky is a blue whirling haze

I scurry like a mouse in a maze

 

Chorus:

 

I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

Reality is raising it's head

It's now or never

I'll change my life so I can live

Or Hell I'll take me when I'm dead

 

Verse:

 

Heavy metal steals my sanity 

Luxury feeds on my vanity 

The Money god knows me by name

I'm tired of feel nothing but pain 

 

Bridge:

 

I hear there's a narrow road

That leads to eternal splendor

Peace and love can be found

And Heaven's music resounds 

 

Chorus:

 

 I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

Reality is raising it's head

It's now or never

I'll change my life so I can live

Or Hell I'll take me when I'm dead 

 

 

Goldy    

 

Hi Goldy,

 

What I found as I read through this is that I had to keep adjusting rhythm and meter as I could find no consistency. While the syllable counts are close enough, it's where the stresses are that seems to be messing me around.

 

Example

V1L1     I'm laying down life's hard load

V2L1     Liquor's curse is letting me drown

 

If you read these two lines aloud, (stressed syllables in bold) they sound something like:

 

I'm laying down life's hard load

 

Liquor's curse is letting me drown

 

Our accents may be in different places but can you see how very different the stresses are in each line? I'll break it down word by word, though you can probably see it... 

 

Syllables per word:

V1 L1:   1 2 1 1 1 1

V2L1:    2 1 1 2 1 1

 

There is no rule to say use the same syllable word in corresponding lines of each verse. However when it is done, there is consistency in rhythm and meter, usually. The big thing is where the stresses fall, more than the syllables per word, or syllables per line, however controlling theses helps.

 

Won't ride no hills and valleys

Mess with enemies or allies.

 

This rhyme doesn't work... you are mixing ees and eyes!

 

Maybe something like

 

Won't ride no hills and valleys

No city streets and alleys...

 

I understand your content and see what you are saying though, so just some small adjustments can have it looking (and reading) good in my view.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Thanks Kel, I'm sorry I don't understand stressed syllables, it was hard enough for me to write the lyrics with matching line syllables. I changed it to what rhyme you suggested. I changed it a lot since the first draft. Again thanks for taking the time to look at it. I'm on the way out the door. When I come back I will comment on your lyric. What I read of it is really good!

 

 

Goldy     

[Asaphstable]

Kel, I LOVE the full-circle approach of your lyric. It took me back in time, and I could "hear" Roger Miller or Johnny Cash singing this. I'd say you've got a winner with this guy. I'll try to give you a run for your money, but what you've got is doggone GOOD.

[Asaphstable]

Goldy, I would agree with some of the suggestions Kel gave you, but you DID paint a bright, vivid picture. Definitely emotes well, delves into the soul of the character you built. I saw streaks of consistency here and there with your mitre, but sometimes it slipped a bit. Not a biggie, easy to fix. I was a little confused by the line "Or Hell I'll take me when I'm dead." From my personal perspective, seems to be a bit of an unyielding oxymoron. What about making it "Or hell WILL take me when I'm dead?" Keeps the flow of helplessness in tact and gives a sense of closure to your thought. Just a suggestion; perhaps you have something specific in mind with the way you phrased it that you could explain.

[Asaphstable]

An idea came to me for this when I awoke this morning, will make my initial draft contribution when I return from out-of-town. (I'm a trucker, I hit the road for 2 days at a time...)

[goldylocks]

 

The Crossing

 

At the crossing as a child

I'd sit for a while

Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere.

I'd be counting all the cars

For no purpose I suppose

And I wondered where the mighty diesel goes.

 

At the crossing in my youth

All my friends were so uncouth

But I didn't even notice what they're doing.

As the diesel thundered by

In the clickety clack

I found peace in the mayhem at my back.

 

And in my rebel years I thought

All the freedom that I sought

Could be found within the rhythm of the rails.

At the crossing late one night

I slipped aboard and travelled light

On a diesel heading north I sought my grail.

 

At the crossing up ahead

There's a boy in tattered threads

Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere.

He's counting all the trucks

For no purpose that he knows

And I see he's dreaming where the diesel goes.

 

Kel, I have to agree with Asaphstable, you've written many songs, but I think this is one of your best. I think this one definitely will be Bobby Rubber Pants's pick of The Crossing. Unless another contender tries to steal your thunder.They'd have to climb Mount Olympus and bribe Zeus! Lol!  IT'S THAT GOOD!! Reads like a true blues ballad! I hear a harmonica playing when I read the lyrics.

 

Goldy         

Edited January 26, 2014 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Goldy, I would agree with some of the suggestions Kel gave you, but you DID paint a bright, vivid picture. Definitely emotes well, delves into the soul of the character you built. I saw streaks of consistency here and there with your mitre, but sometimes it slipped a bit. Not a biggie, easy to fix. I was a little confused by the line "Or Hell I'll take me when I'm dead." From my personal perspective, seems to be a bit of an unyielding oxymoron. What about making it "Or hell WILL take me when I'm dead?" Keeps the flow of helplessness in tact and gives a sense of closure to your thought. Just a suggestion; perhaps you have something specific in mind with the way you phrased it that you could explain.

Thanks for having a look at my song, and your encouraging comments. I changed it to Or Hell will, I think I'll was my brain going faster than my fingers typing. I hope you saw a picture of my character as a used up famous Hard Rocker, coming to the crossing of his life looking for spiritual solace. Looking forward to reading your lyric.

 

Goldy    

 

 . 

Edited January 26, 2014 by goldylocks

[jamestoffee]

Hi All,

 

I'm back from holidays in the US....jet lag and all that jazz..... It looks like we're back to posting songs and comments in one long thread, so here is mine for now:

 

fixed......Here is a link to my draft

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34549-challenge-26-the-crossing-the-ballad-of-judas/

Edited January 26, 2014 by jamestoffee

[john]

Hi All,

 

I'm back from holidays in the US....jet lag and all that jazz..... It looks like we're back to posting songs and comments in one long thread, so here is mine for now:

 

In my first post I did suggest that draft lyrics be posted to the lyrics critique board and finished lyrics should be posted to the showcase board.

I would go further to suggest, as before, that links to these topics be posted to this thread.

[Kel]

John, please note WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, READ THE DESTRUCTIONS!

 

obviously, all else hasn't failed yet!

 

Kel

[jamestoffee]

Hi John,

 

In my first post I did suggest that draft lyrics be posted to the lyrics critique board and finished lyrics should be posted to the showcase board.

I would go further to suggest, as before, that links to these topics be posted to this thread.

 

Ok.  I think I got it right for now.

 

.....so that means we should also comment on writer's posts in the lyrics critique board, not here.  Yes?

[john]

Hi John,

 

 

Ok.  I think I got it right for now.

 

.....so that means we should also comment on writer's posts in the lyrics critique board, not here.  Yes?

Yep. I won't say don't post here, don't comment here, but there are several benefits to posting to the critique and other boards that make it attractive and the better thing to do.

[Lloyd Clarke]

Not sure this fits. We live, we learn said Alanis M. Had to have a crak anyhow.

 

 

The Crossing

 

Verse 1

 

Demon on my left

Angel on the right

Which one will over come me.

I stumble in the dark

Running to the light

My innocence is guilty.

 

Pre Chorus

 

I can clearly see

What it means to be

To have it not or have it all.

 

Chorus

 

At the crossing, twixt heaven and hell

Where winners lose and losers grin

the crossing, you know you can tell

feel it now, feel it well.

At the crossing it's right or wrong

I really don't belong, yet I go on and on

To the Crossing.

 

Verse 2

 

Footsteps in my head

Colours, vivid red.

A panic so consumes me.

There must be something right

To clarify this night

The higher power assumes me.

 

Pre Chorus

 

Chrous x 2

Edited January 27, 2014 by Lloyd Clarke

[Kel]

Hi Lloyd,

 

Nice job. Not thrilled with the last line though. If you read your two last lines out loud:

 

 

My innocence is guilty.

The higher power assumes me.

 

While there is only one more syllable in the second verse line, the phrasing, or natural accents are completely different, and that leaves me feeling uncomfortable as a reader/listener.

 

My innocence is guilty.

 

The higher power assumes me.

 

The natural stresses (well for a NSW born Qlder anyway) as indicated in bold are quite different.

My suggestion would be to come up with a way to align them, by adjusting either line to match the other.

As they are the final lines of the verses, I feel it is very important to set up the lead into the chorus without any disruption to the rhythm and meter of the lyrics.

 

The only other point for consideration is "twixt". Our esteemed mentor speaks often of conversational lyrics. I don't know when if ever I have heard "twixt" in any conversation.

 

I'd be more comfortable with something akin to:

 

At the crossing, where heaven meets hell

 

Purely an example and I'm sure you can put some conversation in there...

 

Cheers,

 

Kel

[Lloyd Clarke]

Geez thanks Kel.

 

Re Writes below.

 

 

The Crossing

 

Verse 1

 

Demon on my left

Angel on the right

Which one will over come me.

I stumble in the dark

Running to the light

Am I innocent or guilty.

 

Pre Chorus

 

I can clearly see

What it means to be

To have it not or have it all.

 

Chorus

 

At the crossing between heaven and hell

Where winners lose and losers grin

the crossing, you know you can tell

feel it now, feel it well.

At the crossing it's right or wrong

I really don't belong, yet I go on and on

To the Crossing.

 

Verse 2

 

Footsteps in my head

Colours, vivid red.

A panic so consumes me.

There must be something right

To clarify this night

Just a citizen so faulty.

 

Pre Chorus

 

Chrous x 2

[jamestoffee]

Hi Lloyd,

 

I like the changes.  "Just a citizen so faulty." could use a bit more tweaking......citizen of where? why is the singer "faulty"?

 

Suggestion: consider writing out the lyrics main idea and feeling in one sentence and check that every line contributes to that idea.

 

There might be a similar story of feeling between two choices in the parable "The Wolf You Feed" http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/06/13/741986/-The-Wolf-You-Feed

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[Lloyd Clarke]

Hi Lloyd,

 

I like the changes.  "Just a citizen so faulty." could use a bit more tweaking......citizen of where? why is the singer "faulty"?

 

Suggestion: consider writing out the lyrics main idea and feeling in one sentence and check that every line contributes to that idea.

 

There might be a similar story of feeling between two choices in the parable "The Wolf You Feed" http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/06/13/741986/-The-Wolf-You-Feed

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

Thanks James...

 

Considered..

 

The Crossing

 

Verse 1

 

Demon on my left

Angel on the right

Which one will over come me.

I stumble in the dark

Running to the light

Am I innocent or guilty.

 

Pre Chorus

 

I can clearly see

What it means to be

To have it not or have it all.

 

Chorus

 

At the crossing between heaven and hell

Where winners lose and losers grin

the crossing, you know you can tell

feel it now, feel it well.

At the crossing it's right or wrong

I really don't belong, yet I go on and on

To the Crossing.

 

Verse 2

 

Footsteps in my head

Colours, vivid red.

A panic so consumes me.

There must be something right

To clarify this night

I am reticent of feeling.

 

Pre Chorus

 

Chrous x