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This is one of the few more romantic songs I wrote. As you may have guessed I wrote it for a girl and she loved it but sadly we are not together at this moment cause the circumstances don't allow it :( But oh well I still think it's beautiful lyrics and hope you will agree.

 

This will be the last one I post today and I know I've been doing a whole lot of posting and not so much critiquing but I just wanted to get most of my stuff out there first. I did a really nice long and thorough critique for "TheRevenant" but the author hasn't seen it yet I think. Right now I'm starving and friends are coming over so I will be busy but hold on people I promise I'll be back and critique all your amazing lyrics :) Oh and when I find time I'll write up an introduction about myself too so you may learn more than what you might have already picked up from my lyrics. Peace to you all stay chill ^ ^

 

Anyway here's the song:

 

 

You know what, here's the deal
It's a stupid rap about how I feel
I just wanna tell you something real
These rhymes are stronger than steel


I never say the things I should
Sometimes I really wish I would


If some things weren't so hard to say
I would tell you every single day
That I think you're amazing in every way
Instead of leaving I wish you'll stay
I really suck at this so maybe I'll pray
For you to be smiling when I say what I say


I liked you before you even talked to me
Opinion based on what the eye can see
I've learned more about you now
And all I can say is wow


You're beautiful, smart and funny
And your lips taste like honey


I hope you know there's more to me 
Wanna be who I want to be
I'm not just somebody's ex
Or a guy looking for sex


Might be weird for you to read
My thoughts suddenly being freed
But I don't even care if it all goes wrong
And everything explodes in my face like a bomb


Cause in the end there are no regrets
Nothing to lose from making these bets
Some things just need to be said
Not kept forever inside of my head


Now I'm gonna stop this stupid rap
Cause I'm tired and feeling like crap
At least now you know I like you for a fact
All I can hope for is that you like me back

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Yeah I suppose you're right. I definitely don't want that kind of reputation for myself. Could you elaborate on what you mean by "someone like yourself" though?

 

I didn't think about the board hog thing at all before but yep I see where you're coming from. Well I guess the least I could do to make up for this is do a lot of good critiques? This is and has been my plan since the beginning I do want to learn to analyze and critique better. I've only had time to do one so far though but it was quite thorough in my own opinion. I won't have much time to critique tonight like I said but I will do em I promise, probably tomorrow. 

 

Anyway thanks for letting me know about this issue and I hope we can figure it out.

 

Soul

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

And you did follow through with some more critiques.  Good on you.

 

I like this structure and flow of the lyric better than some of the others.  Its a simple structure that allowed you to change ideas more often.  Each verse should bring new ideas to the lyric, and when they are too long it seems to just go on and on repeating the same thought.

 

Have you seen the lyric challenge thread?  It may be interesting to try those challenges.  Its a great way to learn more about the craft.  John does a good job setting up each challenge, and there is reference e material available to the participant right here on SS.

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Glad you liked this structure better. I'll try to keep my future lyrics in a similar structure and make sure each verse brings something new to the song.

 

Hm no I don't think I've seen the lyric challenge yet. I'll check it out when I have more time.

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