Karanis

Fireball

4 posts in this topic

This I wrote because I couldn't sleep and was inspired by my hand (yes, literally, by my hand, of all things). The dashes signify bridge - chorus relations, if that makes sense.

 Hope it works, so here goes!

 

Open up the lie
See what's within
Go ahead and try
It's just another sin
 
Set another fire, child
Like you always did
I know they call you wild
But you better not be hid
 
The fire's getting higher
I'm coming down the wire
---
Set the whole world ablaze
An empire in a thousand days
You'll go far again
I hope I'll see you then
I know you'll stand tall
Become my little fireball
 
Draw up your plans
Draw out your sword
Slaughter all the fans
Carry progress forward
 
An enigma in a riddle
An great digital pain
The joker's playing fiddle
With the dead sheep's brain
 
The fire's getting higher
I'm coming down the wire
---
Set the whole world ablaze
An empire in a thousand days
You'll go far again
I hope I'll see you then
I know you'll stand tall
Become my little fireball
 
Carry banners higher
News is on the wire
---
Set the sky and stars ablaze
A heart sent to a thousand ways
You'll make it here again
I hope I know you then
I learned that you stood tall
Against the great firewall

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really good esp if off the top of your head. 

IMO i think a change for 2nd verse;

 

Set another fire, child
Like you always did
I know they call you wild, child
But you better not be hid

 

Neil

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Karanis,

while since I have critiqued but this said did like the structure of the verses (sick of AABB rhyme scheme lol) and it  read through nicely with some nice word play, very folky to me but probably indie in todays jargon

 

Whilst this is not necessarily my style of writing I do think the area where you let it down a little bit is changing the language structure or sense to make rhyme endings sort of tre cool but.... i.e

 

 

The joker's playing fiddle
With the dead sheep's brain

 

 

Be interested if you do have a rewrite to read

 

Regards

 

Arty

 

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Is your song theme about fame?  Fireball is a good expression of someone with ambitions of stardom.  "An empire in a thousand days" and "slaughter all the fans" seem to point there.  I do get a bit confused about what's going on in the beginning verse, even though there is some intrigue in it.  

 

"The fire's getting higher,  I'm coming down the wire" seems like a bit of an interjection on account of the "I'm".  For me just that one word seems to interrupt the flow because it changes the object of focus from "you" to "I'm" and the the next chorus is back to "you".  "You" appears to be the consistent subject otherwise.  Even "it" to me would flow better making "fire" the "it" which carries the same sort of visual as fireball.  However, if what I have interpreted the theme to be is correct, I think "headed down the wire would work better" IMO.  

 

I could be be totally wrong in my interpretation of the theme which would void my feedback.  You have lots of interest to your word pictures in the lyrics and kind of a cool word rhythm.

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