Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a "hook up" love song. Pop music is full of these songs. You know, "You're cute, let's have sex." At least that is a common modern interpretation! We want you to write something love related... not sex. This is about emotion. Sure you can include attraction, beauty etc... but it is the emotional connection that should be your focus.

 

You can use any song form, any language (formal or informal), any rhyme scheme... the only restriction is that it should be conversational first person... so imagine you are saying this to someone "I love you" not "He loved her" etc.

 

One other important consideration, is whether to tie it to a name or to keep it general. There are advantages and disadvantages to each approach. I tend to favor specific emotions, and common events framed in a specific way, but avoid using someone's name. It means that more people identify with it directly.

 

Let's try and get these in over the next 2 weeks. Please, please offer comment and critique on the contributions. It really makes a world of difference if you all take part.

 

Cheers

 

John

[Karanis]

Well, I know I can't do this one... Topic lol xD

[Timbre]

I like the idea of the chorus as vows and the audience only figuring that out when the bridge spells it out. In its current form, I felt like the chorus had too many words and they crowded out the emotion, which is central to this song challenge. So perhaps try to express more, but with fewer words? I'm trying to follow this advice as I struggle through my own submission for this challenge!!  

~T

 

 

[JH Michaels]

Hi Les.....it looks to me like the Chorus could be split into a pre-chorus and chorus....with "Til death do us part" hanging there on it's own.  just a thought.  Nice thoughts and I think emotion. 

For everyone else ( and Les..lol).....here's my love song lyrical submission from a slightly different perspective.

 

Lovin' From the Oven

copyright 2016 JH Michaels

Verse:

When we first met

I took you to the fair

I got you on the Ferris wheel

On my best friend's dare

I put my arm around you

when we stopped way up high

Thought I was so smooth

And you said "How 'bout some pie?"

Pre-chorus:

And there it was

A slice of heaven in your hand

I knew right then

I was a lucky man

Chorus:

Oh it's lovin' from the oven

Your daddy said it's true

It's lovin' from the oven

He said kissin' don't last....

But cookin' do

Verse:

Next thing I know

We're parked out in the sticks

Snuggled up together

But you were on to my tricks

I leaned in close

Lookin' for some kissin'

But you just smiled and said

How 'bout some fried chicken

Pre-chorus:

And there it was

Pure delight

I knew right then

I'd make you my wife

Chorus:

It's lovin' from the oven

Your daddy said it's true

It's lovin' from the oven

He said kissin' don't last....

But cookin do

Verse:

Now after all these years

You're my angel in the kitchen

But there's one small thing

I need to mention

I found out what it was

Your daddy really knew

When the cookin' lasts

The kissin' does too

Pre-chorus:

And here we are

As happy as can be

Just a cookin' and a kissin'

And still makin' steam

Chorus:

It's lovin' from the oven

Your daddy said it's true

It's lovin' from the oven

He said kissin' don't last....

But cookin' do

Chorus Alt:

It's loving from the oven

Your daddy knew it's true

It's lovin' from the oven

When the cookin' lasts....

The kissin' does too

Edited June 15, 2016 by JH Michaels

[john]

Hi Les

 

I agree with both Timbre and JH's comments... it needs more emotive words, including some amplifier words and/or associated concepts, and on lyrical form alone it looks like a pre-chorus and chorus may well be a good approach. if you have a melody in mind, however, it may well just stay a chorus as it is melody that really decides the matter.

 

I've a few suggestions for consideration. Not that I have any major issues with what you have, more that these are the things I would consider had I written the draft that you have. Just ideas for you to churn over and weigh up.

 

Regarding emotive, you do have "love" and words like laughter, or being invincible. I think you will imbue it with more meaning, more depth of feeling, within the verses. Within the chorus, Cherish and protect are less emotional and more conceptual.... though cherishing is at least more like an action, so more directly associated with you, the singer.... you could make "protect" more personal, more emotional as a statement in fact all of the chorus, by using the word "feel" or "feeling". Not ideal as it can be over used, then again repetition is an important factor anyway... I think that ending every line on "you" is potentially less than ideal. You have:

 

You know I love you

I don't want to live my life without you

You know I love you

Every moment of my life is about you

You know I love you

I will honour you

I will cherish you 

I will stand by you

I will protect you

Until death do us part

 

what about looking at the chorus rhyme scheme? Additionally your hook would seem to be "you know I love you", but this can be framed as both a statement and a question... and that can make the hook more durable, give it more depth. That can be made more stark by including "but" before it, or a more flippant, "but hey,". They introduce variety, and keep it fresh, whilst allowing the hook to still be dominant.

 

Al alternative view would be to make "You" the hook and the title. To do that, I would remove other chorus hooks... ie don't repeat other lines, only the concept of ending lines on "you"... ie don't repeat "You know I love you". Instead, amplify it with a line like "my life is you, you you" or "my heart is you, you, you." etc. That being the case you could strip some end of line "you"s and instead make the hook "You, you, you". It would make a good vocal hook. "sing it in your head and you will see what I mean. The good thing about a hook like "you" or "you, you, you" is that you can make that a half line or write in couplets. That allows you to change it around, for example

 

Ever since we met

My heart is filled with you, you, you

I feel complete

My life is filled with you, you, you

 

Or you could do it as a beginning and end:

 

You, you, you

Ever since we met my heart is for you

I feel complete

My life is filled with you, you, you

 

I am deliberately trying not to push it to far, or be too creative. I merely want to highlight possibilities and considerations... I wouldn't use either of the examples as they are uninspiring, a bit flat, cliche.

 

Another consideration would be to think of a common saying that fits your needs within the chorus. Why? When you use a common phrase it tends to help memorability (vital in any song) but every common phrase brings with it a society full of associated meanings. Some phrases are relatively local, some are quite global.

 

Some phrases stand out more than others. "I love you" is common, but, it doesn't stand out... it is a little one dimensional. In fact, it would be good if it related to a related emotion, rather than love itself... plus that gives you more choice. if you are struggling, look at some newspapers, read some magazines, watch some TV and note down the phrases. I keep a book of phrases. When i write a song I also generate a bunch more by watching TV and reading. You can also try Google. Say a search like "love quotes" or "love related phrases" etc.

 

Additionally, try tweaking or twisting meaning. You can make a negative into a positive with a tweak of words, bad into a good, hate into love, annoyance into happiness etc. Such tweaked phrases make excellent memorable fodder. They challenge the mind and make it easier to remember. they give the mind some meat on the bone.

 

Enough about the chorus. Loads of options to use, tweak or lose as you see fit

 

The bridge... the first line makes it seem a little stalker-ish, especially when combined with "you" being used so much. It is objectifying. Sometimes it can be an idea to have a person theme, such as verses about "me", a bridge about "you" and a chorus about "we". You can also do this with time in terms of past present and future, but be wary as that can quickly get confusing. Nonetheless, perhaps you could soften the "you" by using "we" and "our" within the song generally, to complement the "you" and make the target of your love a litte softer.

 

The verses.... I like them, would perhaps add one more. I think you could do more to balance the lines, make the rhyme scheme more consistant, the syllable count and syllable rhythm more consistant. More than that, pack in some more depth of feeling. Be a little more extreme. Be direct and tangential. Try being themed. For example:

 

Blood rush

Head swim

Giddy

Light headed

Dizzy

Faint

 

are all similar or related. They could crop up through the song, or you could try them as alternatives to what you have. "My blood rushes to my head".... I would drop the first "my".

 

Iike known phrases, you can also use common scenarios and imagery to imbue a depth of feeling and complexity of meaning.:

 

"That day at the beach"

"Our Christmas in front of a roaring fire"

 

or something a bit more abstract

 

"Being with you is a motorcycle ride in the summer sun"

 

Other than that, I would be a little more intense with feeling words, and thinking on ways to invest a depth of feeling by the use of more extreme, distinct verbs, adverbs, and advjectives.

 

I hope this helps.

 

there's a music meme that says effectively words give meaning, music gives feeling. There is some truth in that, but that is only the norm. Great lyrics convey loads of feeling, just as good music also conveys meaning.

 

Cheers

 

John

 

[john]

Hey JH

 

I like the tongue in cheek nature of your lyrics, thugh it does make it a little light on emotion, or at least a bit more one dimensional.

 

In the chorus for me "'Cause" breaks the flow. I'd consider removing it and maybe making the last line "but cooking sure do"

 

It'll be hard to get depth of emotion or complexity into it and maintaining the good natured, flippant feeling. Something worth exploring, purely because yo ucan always reverse course.

 

Cheers

 

John

[JH Michaels]

58 minutes ago, john said:

Hey JH

 

I like the tongue in cheek nature of your lyrics, thugh it does make it a little light on emotion, or at least a bit more one dimensional.

 

In the chorus for me "'Cause" breaks the flow. I'd consider removing it and maybe making the last line "but cooking sure do"

 

It'll be hard to get depth of emotion or complexity into it and maintaining the good natured, flippant feeling. Something worth exploring, purely because yo ucan always reverse course.

 

Cheers

 

John

I tried the lyrics with and without "cause" in them and I found that it does work better without it.  Not so rushed.  Thanks for the suggestion.  I'm giving it a think about putting more emotion in it, although, like you said it will be hard and still maintain the fun part of the song. 

[JH Michaels]

7 hours ago, Skin said:

Hi JH

This is quirky for sure but enjoyed the read and wonder what it sounds like to you?

Hard to offer much advice being the quirkiness but I think like mine there is not many emotions expressed? 

I see "happy" and " pure delight" as emotions which is more than mine lol! 

Its all a learning curve so hopefully we can tweak our lyrics to add more emotion.

I like this one because I like quirky.

Good Luck 

Les

Thanks Les!  I hear this as standard 12 bar blues based on power chords A5, D5, E5 and around 110 - 120 beats per minute with some pauses at key points.  I wrote it as an "audience participation" song where everyone can shout out  "But cookin' do!"  At least that's what I hope it will end up as.  I'm still fiddling with the chorus melody and chords/riff though.

[john]

1 hour ago, JH Michaels said:

I tried the lyrics with and without "cause" in them and I found that it does work better without it.  Not so rushed.  Thanks for the suggestion.  I'm giving it a think about putting more emotion in it, although, like you said it will be hard and still maintain the fun part of the song. 

 

If you do, maybe try the one poignant moment ( a bridge is a great place for this) it allows you to add some depth without dragging it down... oligt and shade helps most things. Unlike Les's lyrics though don't go too extreme ("remember the tears when your mother died" eeek too dark lol), but a balance can be had. Sometimes it is a good idea to write an ambiguous line that can be taken in a dark or deep way or in a much lighter way... use ambiguity and double meanings to help... it means those who seek depth will easily find it, but those who want to keep it light, it will work for them too. Often, it depends on the mood they listen to it in. That can sometimes be the difference of longevity of a song... people talk about ambiguity all the time... over and over "they meant this" "Oh no they didn't they meant this!". A useful trick to master.

[JH Michaels]

Hey Les,

I read through your lyrics again and had a thought.  The line "You know I love you"  might work better as "I will always love you" or "I'm in love with you".  The reason why I think this  is because the whole purpose of the song is to let your person know that you love them, and I presume you are telling them this because you aren't sure in yourself they do know.  I guess the imagery to me plays out so much differently....saying "You know I love you." and patting her on the cheek as opposed to gently cupping her face in your hands and looking deeply into her eyes and saying "I will always love you." or "I am so in love with you".  Just a couple of thoughts from a total cornball.  lol

[Timbre]

This was tough. I kept going back and forth between an up-tempo feel and a slower (in my head anyway) story song and ended up with 2 different sets of lyrics. I won't post both so as not to monopolize the space. I'll post the up-tempo for now and perhaps post the other near the end of the challenge if there is not much traffic or else just post to the lyric critique board at some point. 

 

My initial self-critique is that the chorus may split the hook between the "Bigger than" line and the repetition of "Again and again and again" but that repetitive piece just stayed with me so I went with it. Neither felt like a title so I went with a more obscure title taken from the end of 3rd verse which is suggestive of "falling in love". This emotive thing is hard! Critique away!

 

All the Way Down

 

Verse 1

I’m tasting life

For the first time

I savor your touch

Knowing you’re mine

 

Verse 2

No rented hearts

No one night stands

Never alone now

I'm holding your hand

 

Chorus

My love is . . .

Bigger than fear

Stronger than pain

Like waves crashing over

Again and again and again

 

Can’t catch my breath

No need for air

Just breathing you over

Again and again and again

 

Verse 3

Come take this leap

For the last time

And feel me holding you

All the way down

 

Chorus

My love is . . .

Bigger than fear

Stronger than pain

Like waves crashing over

Again and again and again

 

Can’t catch my breath

No need for air

Just breathing you over

Again and again and again

 

Bridge

You break me in

Make me bend

Again and again and again

 

Repeat Chorus

[JH Michaels]

Hi Timbre,

 

Firstly, I like verses one and two and I think are both nice sentiments and project, to my mind, happiness and well-being at being with the right person.

The third verse.....eek!  My first thought was that both were jumping off a bridge in a mutual suicide.  I really didn't feel the falling in love aspect there and the rhyme scheme went awry, but I think I know where you were trying to go with it, so maybe try something that professes love, committment, protection, etc.

 

For the chorus, maybe the waves should caress rather than crash.....it seems to me more gentle and caring (unless you are like Joan Jett...then the waves definitely crash).  maybe scratch the word 'over' after just breathing you.

 

The bridge confuses me....I'm not sure what you are trying to say.

 

I'm thinking that 'Breathing You (Again, and Again)' would make a good hook and title.  it's in the chorus, so you hear it more than once, and maybe you could reinforce it in a verse.  All the Way Down is mentioned just once and it's in verse three...

 

Just some free thoughts....worth what you paid for them......I think the song has some very good potential and would love to see what you do with it.

[Timbre]

This is really helpful. I was in the love head space for verse 3 but good to have perspective from the outside looking in. I'll rework that. In the bridge I was trying to communicate how love changes you and makes you a more flexible person, but maybe there's a better lyric approach to that.

 

Love the idea for abbreviating the "Breathing you" line and the title/subtitle suggestion. "Breathing you" feels more primal than "breathing you in". Much appreciated.~T

[Timbre]

Les-- Thanks for weighing in on V3. I'm reworking that based on the several critiques I've gotten. Great suggestion for the "breathing you" line. Having the partial rhyme with again amps up the final line a bit more, and gives the second chorus a subtle but definite build, which I think is the main point of switching up the chorus--to amp things up a bit. Ah the bridge!-- I think it is mainly raw material leftover from my brainstorming session about what love feels like. I think the idea rings true--that love softens you up and makes you more willing to bend--but the growing consensus is that it doesn't quite fit. I'm cool with that.

 

Hobo--In response to the challenge, I was trying to stay in the first person, focusing on what the singer is feeling in the first 2 verses and asking the other person to take a chance on that love in V3.  In keeping with the first-person requirement, I didn't go with "Love is" in the chorus but I could see that as being effective for more of  love anthem rather than a personal love song. My natural inclination was to back away from the first person, so this was a great challenge for keeping me as close to the lyrics as possible. Thanks for the read and the ideas. 

 

~T

[EsquireDog]

How about a version that takes a look at the far end of young, shiny, happy first hook-ups - - the more desperate, lonely vision of older folks still looking for...something.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.
Between "Come hither" 
And "Go to hell"
So hard to choose
So hard to tell.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He bought her wine
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
That self-same morn
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.

[Timbre]

Les,

 

For me this was more emotional than the previous submission so feels like you're going in the right direction. I did struggle to reconcile the verses with the chorus. The verses were about the personal connection but then the chorus pivots  to loving someone in spite of the naysayers. I think the verses just need more of a lead-in to the powerful idea that you are trying to convey in the chorus. The idea--clinging to love in the face of outside resistance or even hate-- is a great conceptual hook; but imho needs a stronger lead-in from the verses and a lyrical hook in the chorus that will lend itself to a title.

 

One idea to link the verses to the chorus more strongly is to make a case for why each kind of personal connection is more important than the resistance or disapproval from folks outside of the relationship. So a smile is like sunshine but also makes you see the world in a whole new light, a laugh brings you peace that the world could use more of, etc, etc. --just enough to make the connection both personal and tender but also strong enough to take on the outside world. ~T

[AJ Green]

Hi I'm entering the challenge with this song please feel free to share your thoughts

 

V1]

I find myself sleeping in your arms

You hold me tight but it's alright

And if life has brought us close

We should let the story go it's course

Cause in warm embrace of your love

There is nothing i should be afraid of

Afraid of

 

[C]

You're the reason i can't say goodbye

You have something i have never seen

You have it all and give it all to me

You give all the love, all the love i need

 

[V2]

I hardly believe that this is real

Cause i have never felt what i feel

But sometimes i just have to trust myself

That you are the one and no one else

And you must know my heart belongs to you

No matter what we have to go through

Have to go through

 

[C]

You're the reason i can't say goodbye

You have something i have never seen

You have it all and give it all to me

You give all the love, all the love i need

 

[bridge]

Oh some people never find what they're looking for

So think how lucky we are

Cause there are times when love must close its door

But not when i have your heart

 

[Chorus 2x]

[JH Michaels]

Hi Les, I finally read through your new version and I like where you are going with it.  I particularly like the bridge....right on!  I feel like I need a sense of history in the lyrics, like how you met...what circumstance led you to get together?  Was it a moment when you locked eyes that was only a second but stretched to eternity.....or a moment when you had courage and stepped in to help when no one else cared or was hostile.  Or simply she was the neighbor girl that you weren't supposed to know because she was "one of them"  It's obvious in the lyrics that there are some strong emotions there....but for me, I want a story Uncle Les!  lol.  And I think it would give the song more direction. 

[JH Michaels]

Hi AJ

I think it could be a good tune but for me it's a tad to wordy.  I have to agree with Les that some editing would help.  Try to make your lines more dynamic.  when you start a line with something soft like "cause" ( I'm guilty of that too) , "but", or something wordy like "you must know my heart ....." it seems to detract from the message.  Say what you feel....like "My heart belongs to you."  it's simple, much more powerful, and gets the point across without much mucking about in excess verbiage.  Maybe think of it this way...you are trying to tell someone what is inside you and not what they may or may not know.  Just some thoughts. 

[JH Michaels]

On 6/25/2016 at 11:25 AM, EsquireDog said:

How about a version that takes a look at the far end of young, shiny, happy first hook-ups - - the more desperate, lonely vision of older folks still looking for...something.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.
Between "Come hither" 
And "Go to hell"
So hard to choose
So hard to tell.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He bought her wine
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
That self-same morn
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.

Esquire,  

Interesting take on the pick-up....In my head I'm hearing a gritty blues tune....but there ain't no lovin' here in a love song challenge.