Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up

[Ray888]

On 2016-6-18 at 4:43 AM, Timbre said:

This was tough. I kept going back and forth between an up-tempo feel and a slower (in my head anyway) story song and ended up with 2 different sets of lyrics. I won't post both so as not to monopolize the space. I'll post the up-tempo for now and perhaps post the other near the end of the challenge if there is not much traffic or else just post to the lyric critique board at some point. 

 

My initial self-critique is that the chorus may split the hook between the "Bigger than" line and the repetition of "Again and again and again" but that repetitive piece just stayed with me so I went with it. Neither felt like a title so I went with a more obscure title taken from the end of 3rd verse which is suggestive of "falling in love". This emotive thing is hard! Critique away!

 

All the Way Down

 

 

Verse 1

 

I’m tasting life 

 

For the first time

 

I savor your touch 

 

Knowing you’re mine 

 

 

 

Verse 2

 

No rented hearts 

 

No one night stands 

 

Never alone now 

 

I'm holding your hand

 

 

Chorus

 

My love is . . . 

 

Bigger than fear 

 

Stronger than pain 

 

Like waves crashing over

 

Again and again and again 

 

 

 

Can’t catch my breath

 

No need for air

 

Just breathing you over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Verse 3

 

Come take this leap

 

For the last time

 

And feel me holding you

 

All the way down

 

 

 

Chorus

 

My love is . . .

 

Bigger than fear

 

Stronger than pain

 

Like waves crashing over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Can’t catch my breath

 

No need for air

 

Just breathing you over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Bridge

 

You break me in

 

Make me bend

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Repeat Chorus

 

The song title doesn't suit this song.

 

The opening lines don't quite ring true with "I'm tasting life for the first time", "I'm tasting love for the first time" would make more sense.

 

I like the first half of the chorus but feel that the second half would benefit from a little more work.

 

I think that the weakest section is the bridge because it leans more towards a female vocal and has sexual connotations. I think that it needs a different approach.

 

Bridge

 

You break me in (as in virginity broken)

 

Make me bend (sexual position)

 

Again and again and again (Ok for the middle line if that is what you wish to say, but an impossibility if associated with the first line.

[Timbre]

Hi, Ray.

 

I didn't recognize this post at first because this lyric has undergone so many revisions off-site since I first posted it last summer! Thanks for weighing in. After some tweaks to the chorus the hook/title was changed to "Breathing You In" and the bridge was deleted altogether. Can't access the full revision right now but it fit your critique in many respects. Appreciate the read.

 

~T 

[Ray888]

8 hours ago, Timbre said:

Hi, Ray.

 

I didn't recognize this post at first because this lyric has undergone so many revisions off-site since I first posted it last summer! Thanks for weighing in. After some tweaks to the chorus the hook/title was changed to "Breathing You In" and the bridge was deleted altogether. Can't access the full revision right now but it fit your critique in many respects. Appreciate the read.

 

~T 

Hi Timbre, I realise now that I am a year too late on this Challenge lol. I thought it to be a recent challenge because I only noticed the June date and didn't notice the 2016 date. I'd love to see your completed lyric to know what you did with it in the end.

[Timbre]

Yep. I thought you might have just missed the challenge date, but its all good. The challenge vibe around here is that it's more about the challenge than the date. It just helps to stay closer to current challenge period if you want to get more feedback/discussion. We are currently on Challenge #7 for 2017 -- The Protest Song. Just a couple drafts submitted so far. Would love to get your feedback on my post there if you have time. 

 

I'll dig up that revision and repost soon. ~T

 

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 6/21/2017 at 6:58 PM, Ray888 said:

The song title doesn't suit this song.

 

The opening lines don't quite ring true with "I'm tasting life for the first time", "I'm tasting love for the first time" would make more sense.

 

I like the first half of the chorus but feel that the second half would benefit from a little more work.

 

I think that the weakest section is the bridge because it leans more towards a female vocal and has sexual connotations. I think that it needs a different approach.

 

Bridge

 

You break me in (as in virginity broken)

 

Make me bend (sexual position)

 

Again and again and again (Ok for the middle line if that is what you wish to say, but an impossibility if associated with the first line.

Ray, I think the repeated line of your chorus, "Again and Again and Again" would be an option for a title.  Granted, it doesn't seem to give any clues as to the song theme, but I'm sure there are plenty of hooks that don't.

 

I think that "I'm tasting life for the first time" gives a nice imagery.  That line instantly puts me in the emotion of someone "waking up to life" after just sort of meandering through it.

This and your second verse led me to think what woke this person up was finding/being with a person who contributed to that waking up.  I wasn't really following that it was a first-time sexual experience until I hit the bridge and even then to me it wasn't obvious as I was still in the mindset of waking up to "life".  It took your explanation below it to make it clear and that sort of took away from the exhilaration of "feeling alive" to me, mainly because it changed my mental course from it being an inner experience to being a physical one.  I took the meaning of the bridge to say that you had a weakness for this very special person and that person could affect you in a way others aren't.  Personally, I was liking the theme that was flowing through my mind, perhaps my gender plays into that.  I don't think it would take a whole lot of tweaks to change it to that theme, but I think there is so much more that could liven up a theme such as tasting life for the first time.  For example: New experiences like 1st ride on the back of a motorcycle (for ladies), a kiss, playing a contact sport in the rain, waking up to the early morning sunrise, especially on the water (Hey--just got a kayak, so hopefully will be an exhilarating new life experience for me--yay--can't wait!), but that's the idea.  Words you've used that really play into that are:  taste, savor,take this leap,  breathing, can't catch my breath.  I also think the theme would be far more marketable.

[Ray888]

11 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Ray, I think the repeated line of your chorus, "Again and Again and Again" would be an option for a title.  Granted, it doesn't seem to give any clues as to the song theme, but I'm sure there are plenty of hooks that don't.

 

I think that "I'm tasting life for the first time" gives a nice imagery.  That line instantly puts me in the emotion of someone "waking up to life" after just sort of meandering through it.

This and your second verse led me to think what woke this person up was finding/being with a person who contributed to that waking up.  I wasn't really following that it was a first-time sexual experience until I hit the bridge and even then to me it wasn't obvious as I was still in the mindset of waking up to "life".  It took your explanation below it to make it clear and that sort of took away from the exhilaration of "feeling alive" to me, mainly because it changed my mental course from it being an inner experience to being a physical one.  I took the meaning of the bridge to say that you had a weakness for this very special person and that person could affect you in a way others aren't.  Personally, I was liking the theme that was flowing through my mind, perhaps my gender plays into that.  I don't think it would take a whole lot of tweaks to change it to that theme, but I think there is so much more that could liven up a theme such as tasting life for the first time.  For example: New experiences like 1st ride on the back of a motorcycle (for ladies), a kiss, playing a contact sport in the rain, waking up to the early morning sunrise, especially on the water (Hey--just got a kayak, so hopefully will be an exhilarating new life experience for me--yay--can't wait!), but that's the idea.  Words you've used that really play into that are:  taste, savor,take this leap,  breathing, can't catch my breath.  I also think the theme would be far more marketable.

Hey Pahchisme Plaid I'm laughing because I was a year late answering this lyric post which Skin (Les) wrote. I must have been confused lol but I seem to have also confused you because you have addressed your feedback to me instead of LES. 

[Ray888]

On 2016-6-25 at 7:25 PM, EsquireDog said:

How about a version that takes a look at the far end of young, shiny, happy first hook-ups - - the more desperate, lonely vision of older folks still looking for...something.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.
Between "Come hither" 
And "Go to hell"
So hard to choose
So hard to tell.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He bought her wine
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
That self-same morn
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.

Deja blues is a great title for this storyline because of the association with Deja Vu suggesting that it is a recurring trait with both participants in their daily lives. I really like your idea and believe it to have much potential, but I think that you might consider toning down the reference to dogs and making a few small tweaks to strengthen the lyric which storyline already contains some strong lyrics already. Here are some suggestions.......... I did my best to restrain myself from suggesting further changes, Sorry but I couldn't help myself.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In her usual haze
Checking out men
Most of 'em strays.
Between "Hi cowboy" 
And "Go to hell"
She downs cheap booze
Consoles herself

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He sought her time
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
With Deja blues
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In her usual haze
Checking out men
Most of 'em strays.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

12 hours ago, Ray888 said:

Hey Pahchisme Plaid I'm laughing because I was a year late answering this lyric post which Skin (Les) wrote. I must have been confused lol but I seem to have also confused you because you have addressed your feedback to me instead of LES. 

Laughing is good!  I love to laugh!  Yes, I got all mixed up thinking you were the poster of the song and EVENTUALLY I caught on, but didn't have the chance to reply, so all the above was meant for @Skin, though I'm sure is irrelevant now due to timing, but I knew you were fairly new here, so when I thought YOU wrote the song, figured it was recent.  Doesn't take much to confuse me! lol!

[Timbre]

2 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

 

14 hours ago, Ray888 said:

Hey Pahchisme Plaid I'm laughing because I was a year late answering this lyric post which Skin (Les) wrote. I must have been confused lol but I seem to have also confused you because you have addressed your feedback to me instead of LES. 

Laughing is good!  I love to laugh!  Yes, I got all mixed up thinking you were the poster of the song and EVENTUALLY I caught on, but didn't have the chance to reply, so all the above was meant for @Skin, though I'm sure is irrelevant now due to timing, but I knew you were fairly new here, so when I thought YOU wrote the song, figured it was recent.  Doesn't take much to confuse me! lol!

 

And just to add another layer of confusion, Les didn't post the lyrics, I did! I think the glitch is that Les's critique is the first critique on the 2nd page of critiques for this challenge. Easy to miss that there's a first page to this thread with more discussion of these lyrics and others. I'd say it's a sign of a healthy critique forum when there's enough traffic to get lost in  !!

 

[Ray888]

1 hour ago, Timbre said:

And just to add another layer of confusion, Les didn't post the lyrics, I did! I think the glitch is that Les's critique is the first critique on the 2nd page of critiques for this challenge. Easy to miss that there's a first page to this thread with more discussion of these lyrics and others. I'd say it's a sign of a healthy critique forum when there's enough traffic to get lost in  !!

 

I think I should just shoot myself lol before it gets any worse. 

[Timbre]

No worries! It could just as easily have been a set of lyrics that Les and I collaborated on where both our names appear in the by lines. We've done a couple of fun collaborations for the challenges and some critiques get directed at him and some at me. It's all good. -Lisa

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Hargh!  Boy did I ever get things confused here.  Sorry Timbre.  It's all Ray's fault.  Haha!  Just kidding, Ray.  I can manage to get mixed up all on my own 😜

[john]

@Ray888