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Love Song Challenge 2 - Deep, Deep Love


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Hi Gang

 

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a "deep love" love song. Pop music has plenty of these songs, although eclipsed by hook up and break up songs. You know, "You're my everything", "deep, deep love". 

 

In this, our second Love Song Challenge", we want you to continue to write something love related.... This is all about emotion. Depth of emotion. Connection.

 

You can use any song form, any language (formal or informal), any rhyme scheme... the only restriction is that it should be conversational first person... so imagine you are saying this to someone "I love you" not "He loved her" etc.

 

Let's try and get these in over the next 2 weeks. Please, please offer comment and critique on the contributions. It really makes a world of difference if you all take part.

 

For writers who might not have fallen in love.... use your imagination! Take part!

 

Cheers

 

John

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Quite right to pick me up on that! Yes a mix of first and second... definitely NOT 3rd PERSON. :)

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Is Poetry invited?

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I have no problem with that, just as long as poems are marked as poems to avoid them being assessed by readers as a song... poems have little need of a chorus or a refrain for a start, though that is not an absolute. It avoids confusion :)

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What?!!! Just trying to write about regular ol' emotional love in the previous challenge was tough enough. Now its got to be "deep, deep"? (Deep breaths, deep breaths, oooohm) Ok--I'm accepting the challenge, but I'm going to need to take some creative license here. This is the second set of lyrics I wrote in response to the first challenge and I think it should qualify as a "deep, deep" love song because it's about a woman who has been DEEPLY in love with her best friend's man for a LONG time and finally makes her move after the best friend breaks up with the guy and she's given him some time to heal. I am also asking for "deep, deep" love credits, because I was channeling Rumi in the chorus. Anything related to Rumi gets you "deep, deep" love cred right? Here goes!

 

Safe Place to Fall

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

Verse 1

It’s good to see you out

On the town again

I know she broke your heart

And she was my best friend

 

Don’t hold it against me

The pain she put you through

Pain can only blind you to the truth

 

Verse 2

I never let my heart

Take one step out of line

And when she let you down

Our friendship slowly died

 

Now I’m trying to climb over

The wall she left behind

Just hear me out before you close your mind

 

Chorus

I believe that love is hoping

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

Give it one more try and then

I won’t let you break again

Here I am, a safe place to fall

 

Verse 3

I’ve caught you by surprise

But I wonder if she knew

Perhaps she let you go

Wanting more for me and you

 

If you can forgive her

And leave heartache in the past

You might see the future we could have

 

Chorus 2

I believe that love is hoping

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

Give it one more try and then

I won’t let you break again

My love is a safe place to fall

 

Chorus 3

I believe that love is hoping

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

Give it one more try and then

I won’t let you break again

I’ll always be a safe place to fall

 

 

  • Like 2
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Hobo,

 

Some really good stuff here!

 

I lost the sense of cadence and rhyme scheme at the end of the first verse but liked the sentiment. Loved the 2nd verse--the change in cadence in style compared to the 1st verse did feel more like a bridge and could be very effective. The final "believe" in that verse did not seem necessary given the nice rhyme you had with "awhile" and "smile".

 

The chorus was unconventional but I liked it. The order of the words at the start of the chorus kind of tripped me up at first, but by the time I got to the hook that just melted away. The unconventional style calls for singing directly to a particular person and comes across with a very intimate feel. Nice!

 

Seems like these lyrics would work beautifully with just acoustic guitar. Nothing else needed. You have a future in love songs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Timbre said:

What?!!! Just trying to write about regular ol' emotional love in the previous challenge was tough enough. Now its got to be "deep, deep"? (Deep breaths, deep breaths, oooohm) Ok--I'm accepting the challenge, but I'm going to need to take some creative license here. This is the second set of lyrics I wrote in response to the first challenge and I think it should qualify as a "deep, deep" love song because it's about a woman who has been DEEPLY in love with her best friend's man for a LONG time and finally makes her move after the best friend breaks up with the guy and she's given him some time to heal. I am also asking for "deep, deep" love credits, because I was channeling Rumi in the chorus. Anything related to Rumi gets you "deep, deep" love cred right? Here goes!

 

Safe Place to Fall

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

 

 

Verse 1

 

It’s good to see you out

 

On the town again

 

I know she broke your heart

 

And she was my best friend

 

 

 

Don’t hold it against me

 

The pain she put you through

 

Pain can only blind you to the truth

 

 

 

Verse 2

 

I never let my heart

 

Take one step out of line

 

And when she let you down

 

Our friendship slowly died

 

 

 

Now I’m trying to climb over

 

The wall she left behind

 

Just hear me out before you close your mind

 

 

 

Chorus

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

Here I am, a safe place to fall

 

 

 

Verse 3

 

I’ve caught you by surprise

 

But I wonder if she knew

 

Perhaps she let you go

 

Wanting more for me and you

 

 

 

If you can forgive her

 

And leave heartache in the past

 

You might see the future we could have

 

 

 

Chorus 2

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

My love is a safe place to fall

 

 

 

Chorus 3

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

I’ll always be a safe place to fall

 

 

 

Brill is my only comment! Would love to hear this as you do so please record it, NOW lol!

Oh and post.

Les

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Well, also impossible for me. f*ck. 

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8 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Thanks, Tmibre.  Glad you like it.  The "believe" rhymes with "me," and in the actual song, it needs to be there. :)  I'm curious, what do you mean when you say that the second verse "feels like a bridge" and that the chorus is "unconventional"?

Gotcha on the rhyme sequence. It would probably click for me more if I heard it sung. In my own head awhile/smile are such spot on rhymes and they have a bigger sound when spoken or sung that they overshadowed the me/believe.

 

For the second verse, several things made it feel different to me. The repetition of the 4 lines ending in "now" gave the verse an immediacy and insistence that the v1 didn't have. "Come here now" added more of a sense of the physical space between the singer and the person he's singing to that you don't get in v1.  It also struck me as more flirty/playful, while v1 was a bit more serious. 

 

In the chorus, i liked your use of imperative (i.e.,demand) phrases in lines 1 and 3 where there's an unspoken but understood subject or pronoun. 

 

"believe that you're extraordinary" rather than "you should believe . . ." 
"feel like . . ." rather than "you should feel . . . " 

 

Some might read it and say, you need to add pronouns to these lines to make them clearer, but in the performance sense, use of the imperative form is far more compelling, which is the point of an imperative phrase. You want her to believe and you stated that in the form of a gentle demand. I don't know if it was intentional or just instinctive, but in my opinion, it was very effective. ~T 
 

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Thanks for the thorough read.

 

13 hours ago, HoboSage said:

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open  As is, I don't think this makes sense.  Hearts get broken because they are open - to love - and to being hurt.  I think this line would be better as "And a broken heart's a heart's that open."

Here's where I'm channeling the Rumi saying--"You Have to keep breaking your heart until it opens".  I interpret this to mean that there's a lesson in heartbreak and we keep feeling the pain and rejection until we are open to learning the lesson. I imagine there are as many interpretations of this as there are people in the world, but bringing it back to this chorus, the singer is trying to encourage him to be open to the idea that he was loving the wrong person and she is the right person for him. 

 

14 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Here I am, a safe place to fall  If you won't let him break/be hurt again, then why is he going to need "a safe place to fall"?  I think your hook is a good one, but not for this song as this song currently is.  I think it's also a non sequitur in the song as the song is.  To make it work, in my opinion you need to first expressly establish that he's in the process of falling (maybe falling out of love) - that's a needed setup for this hook, imo - and I don't think you have that setup.

Hmm. I see the direction you're going in, but I'm aiming in the other direction :) The singer is trying to convince him that its safe for him to fall in love again. More along the lines of "Jump! I'll catch you!"  . . . You've given me some things to think about. Thanks again. ~T

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  • Noob

Dance 4ever

 

Verse 1

Hands on hips
Shoulder to wrists
Lips to lips 
I can't get
Past a night like this
it's perfect 
So f*ckin worth it
I would like the chance
To ask for a dance 
Where you don't twerk it
But you still work it 
Cause we deserve it 
I got a new job and tonight in workin
On bein your man
So take my hand 
So we can 
Dance in circles to this slow jam
f*ck your old mans
Cause he don't give a damn
And can't treat you like I can
I'm a man with a plan
To take these couple dollars in my hand
And turn them to a couple grand
With a house built in the country 
of a different country
Two little puppies 
And you there to say you love me
Just so I can say it back
I feel you in my chest like a heart attack
But its really Cupid who attacked my heart
So lets not let this love fall apart 

 

Hook

I want to ask you a simple question 
Will you take this dance into forever
All I want is you to dance with me
I promise this won't be over quickly (2x)

 

Verse 2

Come on it's just us two
In the living room
With no one around
to make a sound 
As we spin around 
And I dip you almost to the ground 
Then give you a twirl
So you can take a whirl 
At being my girl
If I could change the world
Like Eric Clapton 
Then i would make it happen
But I know I can change your mind
by the end of this slow grind
I could give you my all my down time
So its like you do you 
I do me
But at the end if the day we do we 
Perfect 
Like 123
123
Never missing a beat
But always missing feet 
But won't be discret
You can make me a happy man 
By helping make this couple grand
on top of the world is where we stand
hand in hand
Man oh man
You're perfect for a slow jam
So let's keep spinning like blade fans 
And not stop til the am
Like the last track I'm finished playin

 

Hook

I want to ask you a simple question 
Will you take this dance into forever
All I want is you to dance with me
I promise this won't be over quickly (2x)

 

Edited by CashiousDray
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Welcome to the site!

 

So, I critiqued this based on the terms of the "deep, deep love challenge" and then more generally. In terms of deep, deep love it fell short for me. The first section was the club atmosphere and wanting that first dance, all the plans he was making in his head, and then ended with not letting the love fall apart. I kept re-reading, looking for where the love happened, and I couldn't find it. It was just suddenly there at the end with a mention of Cupid and love. So building in more emotion would help to get that across: breaking me/taking me/deep into the heart of me.

 

Looking at the lyrics more generally speaking, there's some interesting elements. The double meaning of "couple grand" made me smile. In my opinion that would be a better title for this and you could then rework the lyric around the idea of trying to build a couple grand into a big life in both money and love. The strongest critique I have to the downside is that there were a lot of filler lines that rhymed but didn't add substance. Another way of saying that is--Welcome to the Club! If you check out critiques in the various forums you will see that all of us who post have been guilty of "rhyme without reason" at one time or another. Sometimes we're just blind to it and need our fellow critiquers to point it out, or we're just so relieved to have found something that rhymed that we didn't stop to ask if it really adds anything! Examples of this for me were the "man oh man" line, the line about fan blades, and "perfect like 123". Your message will get lost among the filler lines. You need every line to be on-message.

 

Again, welcome aboard.  ~T

 

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  • Noob

This song is apart of a concept valentine's day ep. This song comes after a song detailing a date. So this is a song comencing the night if you catch my dirft. I wish the beat started with the hook, because the question I'm asking is to start a family. "Will you take this dance with me into forever". So when the song mentions the "dance" its in the present. Detailing the act of sex, but in a way its not all in you face. No pun intended ;).  There are more double meanings and word play than the couple grand, but it is highlighted to mean "I want you to build with me. That we can grow old together the way we'd like to". Its separated because something like that takes time. I'd suggest another read with a broader perspective then face value. Its quite delightful and a pretty good example of where my writing style started. 

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Ok, here we go....I feel like I'm stepping into the heavy weight ring with David and timbre...lol.  Here's my deep deep love song....It's one I wrote a while ago for my wife trying to let her know what she's meant to me over the years.  Thanks for reading and any comments.

That’s Where The Love Is

Copyright 2016 JH Michaels

Verse:

I was called away

To some strange foreign land

For endless nights and fearful days

God, I needed to hold your hand

At last  the time finally came

And my tour was done

I would never be the same

But the hurt eases with your love

Chorus:

That’s where the love is

No matter where I go

That’s where the love is

Right there at home

Verse:

Even now I have to fly

To some town I don’t even know

I’m not out with the other guys

I’m in my room all alone

The first thing I need to do

Is to call you on the phone

Hearing your voice, I see you

And feel the love I’ve always known

Chorus:

That’s where the love is

No matter where I go

That’s where the love is

Right there at home

Bridge:

Even after so many miles

I keep holding your smiles

And it pulls me through

Just thinking of you

There at home

With a heart so warm

Chorus x 2:

That’s where the love is

No matter where I go

That’s where the love is

Right there at home

End

 

  • Like 1
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Blimey my brain hurts lol!

Well I've tried again, and still working on the other one.

I hope I'm on the right track for this one although it might not seem so without an idea of the story for this.

Still young but thought I would post, chorus not all together there yet but I will work on it. Nor the bridge.

Im away for a couple of days but will have my iPad and will try to comment on other posts ASAP.

The story is of a man in a coma and his wife/partner is with him 24/7 he can feel her he can hear her but cannot show it, then he wakes up. Does it make sense?

 

Here goes and I hope you enjoy the read.

 

You Alone

 

V
Holding my hand
I felt your love
Though I couldn't tell you
V
Your gentle kiss 
Stirred my soul
I so wanted too hold you
 
C
I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive
 
V
Your soothing voice
Gave me peace
In my darkest moments
 
V
When your tears
Touched my cheek
I cried deep down inside
 
C
I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive
 
B. This needs work and I will adjust it soon as I can.
When I opened my eyes 
You were there
My vision was blurred
But I knew it was you
 

I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive
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JH,

 

If you've already sung it to your wife, I think that's an automatic win! Well done, you!!

 

But since you've submitted if for critique, I had a few observations. The title/hook is good. I was wanting more in the verses to reinforce the idea that no matter how far away you go, home will draw you back because that's where the love is. V1 is very strong but if the 2nd half could pivot toward home more directly that would set you up nicely for the chorus. See idea below for doing that in last line of v1 and with a stronger rhyme.

 

At last  the time finally came

And my tour was done

I would never be the same

But the hurt eases with your love  nothing heals like home

 

I like the repetition of the hook in lines 2 and 4 of the chorus. The final line could be more emotional by changing it from "right there at home" to something like "It'll always bring me home."

In v2, same goes for the final line to give it a better set up for the chorus. One possibility:

And feel the love I’ve always known of home

Having shared my 2 cents, I'm sure your wife loved the original version :) ~T

 

  • Like 1
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On 6/29/2016 at 11:32 AM, HoboSage said:

I had no clue who Rumi is pre-Google just now, and I'm half Persian - my ignorant half. ;)  But, I stand by my rumination that with this saying, Rumi doesn't make sense. :)  As for the hook - I'm an IDIOT!  l should have picked up on that right away.  My bad.  Sheesh. 

 

P.S.  Do I get any points because at least I had heard of Omar Khayyam?  <heh-heh>

Funny! Yes--Omar Khayyam is worth quite a few points in the poetry sweepstakes. Hmm. . . maybe another good source of lyric inspiration. Stay tuned!

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On 6/30/2016 at 7:26 PM, Skin said:

Blimey my brain hurts lol!

Well I've tried again, and still working on the other one.

I hope I'm on the right track for this one although it might not seem so without an idea of the story for this.

Still young but thought I would post, chorus not all together there yet but I will work on it. Nor the bridge.

Im away for a couple of days but will have my iPad and will try to comment on other posts ASAP.

The story is of a man in a coma and his wife/partner is with him 24/7 he can feel her he can hear her but cannot show it, then he wakes up. Does it make sense?

 

Here goes and I hope you enjoy the read.

 

You Alone

 

V
Holding my hand
I felt your love
Though I couldn't tell you
V
Your gentle kiss 
Stirred my soul
I so wanted too hold you
 
C
I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive
 
V
Your soothing voice
Gave me peace
In my darkest moments
 
V
When your tears
Touched my cheek
I cried deep down inside
 
C
I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive
 
B. This needs work and I will adjust it soon as I can.
When I opened my eyes 
You were there
My vision was blurred
But I knew it was you
 

I could feel your presence everyday
I don't know how long I've been away
There's one thing I have to say
You alone-pulled me through
You alone-kept me alive
You gave me the will to survive

 Love the idea behind the song. Definitely goes deep. I kept wanting to combine the 2 sections of verse before the chorus and the 2 sections of verse after the chorus. Are they separate for a reason? Maybe there's music between them? If you combine the first 2 sections they fit well in an xxAxxA structure with the 3rd and 6th lines rhyming. The second 2 sections of verse had good emotionality but I couldn't find a pattern that echoed the first 2 sections, so you might take another look at that if you think combining is worth considering.

 

The hook is good but got buried a bit for me. Not trying to be a stickler for hook placement, but "you alone" has such a soft sound to it, rather than more hard consonants, so you may need a more traditional placement to make the hook more prominent. 

 

I think a bridge will work well in this story line. As I've said in previous posts, I am a sucker for a double meaning and I wondered if you might rework the bridge so he is telling her: I had to come back because I didn't want to leave "you alone".

 

Enjoyed it. I'd really like to see how this develops. ~T

 

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