Love Song Challenge 2 - Deep, Deep Love

[JH Michaels]

On 6/30/2016 at 8:32 PM, Timbre said:

JH,

 

If you've already sung it to your wife, I think that's an automatic win! Well done, you!!

 

But since you've submitted if for critique, I had a few observations. The title/hook is good. I was wanting more in the verses to reinforce the idea that no matter how far away you go, home will draw you back because that's where the love is. V1 is very strong but if the 2nd half could pivot toward home more directly that would set you up nicely for the chorus. See idea below for doing that in last line of v1 and with a stronger rhyme.

 

At last  the time finally came

And my tour was done

I would never be the same

But the hurt eases with your love  nothing heals like home

 

I like the repetition of the hook in lines 2 and 4 of the chorus. The final line could be more emotional by changing it from "right there at home" to something like "It'll always bring me home."

In v2, same goes for the final line to give it a better set up for the chorus. One possibility:

And feel the love I’ve always known of home

Having shared my 2 cents, I'm sure your wife loved the original version  ~T

 

thanks for the read Timbre.....you are right she gets the original version whenever she's there to listen.  And I do have her gracious permission to change some things if necessary for general consumption.  I see what you are getting at with focusing on home and how powerful that really is ....I'll try it that way and see how it feels.  It's always nice to get another perspective with songs because others see or hear things one becomes deaf to hearing or glosses over as the lyrics are read for the thousandth time. 

[JH Michaels]

On 6/28/2016 at 5:08 PM, HoboSage said:

Well, I didn't write this for this "challenge," but it was a challenge for me to write (I'm not a love song kind of guy), and I've never really had the lyric critiqued . . . and I wanna play!

 

Because You Are
Copyright © 2016 by HoboSage. All Rights Reserved.

 

VERSE

there's no one else like you
you're unique
a one-of-a-kind mind
a soul so deep
special
wonderful
amazing

 

CHORUS

believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved 
because you are

 

VERSE

you're free now
in the  clear now
you're with me now
come here now
I'll hold you for awhile
please, do a little something for me
smile
believe

 

CHORUSV2

believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved 
because you are

 

BRIDGE

you are all I need
all I want is you to believe . . .

 

FINAL CHORUS

believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved 
because you are

 

because you are

After hearing some of your work (the not-so-love songs), I see where this fits with your style.  The only nits I have in the lyrics are all the "now's" in V2 and V1 and V2 feel so different in construction and meter as I read them.  Not having heard the actual song, I can't readily see how they work together.  To me, imho, it feels more natural to drop the now in the first four lines of  v2.  I like the chorus and bridge, they work very well for me........ Ok so I googled it......and listened to how it's put together and I still feel the same about the lyrics....I do like how v2 transitions to the chorus there and think that would have worked really well for v1 as well.  just my 2 cents.  it's still a very good song.

[JH Michaels]

On 6/28/2016 at 4:15 PM, Timbre said:

What?!!! Just trying to write about regular ol' emotional love in the previous challenge was tough enough. Now its got to be "deep, deep"? (Deep breaths, deep breaths, oooohm) Ok--I'm accepting the challenge, but I'm going to need to take some creative license here. This is the second set of lyrics I wrote in response to the first challenge and I think it should qualify as a "deep, deep" love song because it's about a woman who has been DEEPLY in love with her best friend's man for a LONG time and finally makes her move after the best friend breaks up with the guy and she's given him some time to heal. I am also asking for "deep, deep" love credits, because I was channeling Rumi in the chorus. Anything related to Rumi gets you "deep, deep" love cred right? Here goes!

 

Safe Place to Fall

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

 

 

Verse 1

 

It’s good to see you out

 

On the town again

 

I know she broke your heart

 

And she was my best friend

 

 

 

Don’t hold it against me

 

The pain she put you through

 

Pain can only blind you to the truth

 

 

 

Verse 2

 

I never let my heart

 

Take one step out of line

 

And when she let you down

 

Our friendship slowly died

 

 

 

Now I’m trying to climb over

 

The wall she left behind

 

Just hear me out before you close your mind

 

 

 

Chorus

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

Here I am, a safe place to fall

 

 

 

Verse 3

 

I’ve caught you by surprise

 

But I wonder if she knew

 

Perhaps she let you go

 

Wanting more for me and you

 

 

 

If you can forgive her

 

And leave heartache in the past

 

You might see the future we could have

 

 

 

Chorus 2

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

My love is a safe place to fall

 

 

 

Chorus 3

 

I believe that love is hoping

 

And hearts keep breaking ‘til they open

 

Give it one more try and then

 

I won’t let you break again

 

I’ll always be a safe place to fall

 

 

 

This is a very good write, Timbre....(I didn't read the previous comments since I'm so behind in responding so I hope I don't pile on)  The first spot is V2 third and fourth lines.....it should be more clear who's friendship died.....just a bit confusing there.  I really like "trying to climb over the wall she left behind"  It gives me a good visual and a sense of frustration.  In v3 I'm not sure that forgive is the right path to take....something that might lead him to move on, maybe he will never be able to forgive, but will be able to move on if that makes any sense.  I like the chorus line "and hearts keep breaking 'til they open"  I was so proud of myself because I got it on the first go 'round.  sometimes it takes one heck of a lot breaking to open a closed heart....it fits in with the hook and title imo.  overall I think this is a very good song.

[Timbre]

Thanks for the feedback. Every read helps!

[JH Michaels]

On 6/30/2016 at 4:26 PM, Skin said:

Blimey my brain hurts lol!

Well I've tried again, and still working on the other one.

I hope I'm on the right track for this one although it might not seem so without an idea of the story for this.

Still young but thought I would post, chorus not all together there yet but I will work on it. Nor the bridge.

Im away for a couple of days but will have my iPad and will try to comment on other posts ASAP.

The story is of a man in a coma and his wife/partner is with him 24/7 he can feel her he can hear her but cannot show it, then he wakes up. Does it make sense?

 

Here goes and I hope you enjoy the read.

 

You Alone

 

V

Holding my hand

I felt your love

Though I couldn't tell you

V

Your gentle kiss 

Stirred my soul

I so wanted too hold you

 

C

I could feel your presence everyday

I don't know how long I've been away

There's one thing I have to say

You alone-pulled me through

You alone-kept me alive

You gave me the will to survive

 

V

Your soothing voice

Gave me peace

In my darkest moments

 

V

When your tears

Touched my cheek

I cried deep down inside

 

C

I could feel your presence everyday

I don't know how long I've been away

There's one thing I have to say

You alone-pulled me through

You alone-kept me alive

You gave me the will to survive

 

B. This needs work and I will adjust it soon as I can.

When I opened my eyes 

You were there

My vision was blurred

But I knew it was you

 

C 

I could feel your presence everyday

I don't know how long I've been away

There's one thing I have to say

You alone-pulled me through

You alone-kept me alive

You gave me the will to survive

After I read the back-story I understand how it all ties together......but for those that don't have that leg-up...a reference to a hospital or a crash, some terrible event that caused the whole situation would help.  Here's a twist...(true story as far as I know).  a soldier was blown into a wall by a mortar blast....he was in a coma for 2 weeks.  his wife never left the hospital for the entire time and she was there when he woke up.  He was blind from the damage but knew instantly it was her that was there..  the happy ending in that story is that eventually his eye sight returned after a few months.  so I guess what I'm trying to say is that it should be a hugely powerful moment at the awakening with a set up prior to the bridge and I think you are close.   Overall.....I really like the write and the idea, Les.  

[Skin]

Hi JH 

thanks for your comments and I have been mulling over Timbre and Hobo's as well.

Im getting ideas from all the comments and making the story a little more identifiable as too what the situation is of the character but struggling a little to not make it sound corny!

 

one thought was a a pre chorus as David suggested referencing to doctors?

 

I felt your presence every day

I heard all the doctors had to say

I also heard you pray

 

something in that vein but not sure I like it?

i really want to keep a deep personal connection between the characters and that's making it harder to come up with something as David said artistic and not corny by mentioning all the hospital stuff, a toughie for me but all your ideas are noted.

 

cheers and I'm like you need to catch up on commenting but sometimes I don't have the right words to say so I don't say anything.

 

Les

 

[Skin]

Hi T

thanks again for your ideas and thoughts, with verses They could be combined and yes I also thought that last 2 should ryhme but haven't found the right words yet.

I like your idea of he came back for her not wanting to leave her alone, wondered if I could incorporate that some how but keep some of the original idea of the chorus? I will work on it. 

Lets see where it goes and I will post any new stuff.

 

Cheers

Les

[Skin]

Hi David

Thanks for the read and comments and I like the idea of the pre chorus works for me. I agree it is a little vague so I will try as you and JH have mentioned of getting the story line in there. 

Sounds simple some of this but to get it reasonable even is not that easy don't you agree?

Bloody John and his challenges! Love it thanks John lol!

 

Cheers

 

Les 

[JH Michaels]

2 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Nice love song, JH.  Without knowing the music, I can't say it could work, but as a general proposition I think the chorus would be stronger if it ended with the hook.  If it could work with the music, or with a tweak to the chorus music, I think a four-line chorus with a repeat of the hook as a fifth tag line - something like this - could be a stronger chorus for this.

 

that's where the love is

and no matter where I roam

I feel you and feel at home

your smile, your touch, your kiss . . .

that's where the love is 

 

You might also think about cutting "the" from the hook and make it "that's where love is."  

 

Just my $0.02.

 

Thanks David....who said you can't write love songs....lol That's a nice chorus...It would change the music quite a bit, however, but it's not like it's written in stone.  There's always room for a little changer here and there.