Love Song Challenge 3 - The Break Up

john · July 15, 2016

Hi Gang

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a "break up" love song.

Long the domain of Country and Blues music, the Break Up love song is the de facto little black dress of song writing! You know, "You're my everything", "deep, deep love".

In this, our third Love Song Challenge", we want you to continue to write something about the loss of love, disaffection.... This is almost entirely all about emotion. Depth of emotion. Connection here works on two levels: within the narrative between characters, and between the writer, performer and listener.

You can use any song form, any language (formal or informal), any rhyme scheme... the only restriction is that it should be conversational second person... so imagine you are saying this to someone "I loved you" not "He loved her" etc.

Please, please offer comment and critique on the contributions. It really helps the experience and the value in participation.

Cheers

John

Nightwolf · July 17, 2016

I used to love her, but i had to kill her<< best break up song of all time

Nightwolf · July 17, 2016

Waitin' for the phone to ring

Every Day I die

just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' on a word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

I think my baby lost my number

Or she would have called by now

I think my baby lost my number

But I can't see how

For five long years now people

It was her number too

If I thought she wasn't gonna call

I don't know what I'd do

I get so lonely

Yeah, yes it's true

Waitin' for a call from you

Every Day I die just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' for word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

Not a thing

john · July 17, 2016

I like where it's going John. A bit ambiguous, but I like the feel of it. The rhythm, the rhyme... It just sits very well. Natural and comfortable.

One thing that instantly struck, title is accurate, but unadventurous. It holds very little mystery. True it poses... "Why are they waiting for the phone to wring?" But, unless it is a job interview I think 9/10 people would say it is love related, probably a one way love at that. True they might not get that it is post relationship, but still.

You have one line I think would make an excellent hook, but currently it isn't being used as a hook at all. I think it holds more mystery, more questions, but it still fits with the topic... The line, actually part of a line, is "Five Long Years".

You have a couple of competing hooks just now, "Waitin' for the phone to ring" and "I think my baby lost my number". Competing hooks can be a problem, and introducing another may make it difficult. Such songs often have two titles, you know with a "/" between the two or one hook in parentheses.

You could solve it structurally. Currently you have a refrain in the verse, that changes verse to verse.... But you can still use a chorus.... And add Five Long Years to the chorus. Just a thought for consideration. If you did that, I think the Five Long years would stand out as the prominent hook. The fact that your song has other strong hooks would make it memorable for sure.

The end of the song could do with being tidied. And the song could do with being two verses longer... But that's just my two cents.

I hope this helps

Timbre · July 17, 2016

The End of My Last Chance

Verse 1

I thought I’d have more time

To make our brand new start

But I waited too long

To take care of your heart

You tell me to move on

But I don’t see how I can

I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Verse 2

I missed all the signs

That the end was near

You didn’t make demands

And you cried no more tears

I finally crossed your line

Written in the sand

I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Chorus

What kind of man holds the world in his hands

Then lets it all go on a whim

Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime

To chase just one night of sin

And what do I see staring back in the mirror

When I get up the nerve to glance

Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Verse 3

I know that I was blind

Now you’re all that I can see

And your eyes are telling mine

You’re all but done with me

It’s finally sinking in

And it’s more than I can stand

I’m just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Chorus

What kind of man holds the world in his hands

Then lets it all go on a whim

Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime

To chase just one night of sin

And what do I see staring back in the mirror

When I get up the nerve to glance

Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Repeat Chorus

Timbre · July 17, 2016

8 hours ago, Nightwolf said:

Waitin' for the phone to ring

Every Day I die

just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' on a word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

I think my baby lost my number

Or she would have called by now

I think my baby lost my number

But I can't see how

For five long years now people

It was her number too

If I thought she wasn't gonna call

I don't know what I'd do

I get so lonely

Yeah, yes it's true

Waitin' for a call from you

Every Day I die just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' for word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

Not a thing

I really like this. Great blues feel in both topic and structure. I would actually take the hook in an even more ambiguous direction that has more applicability. What about "Waitin' on You" would add some slang which is very much the blues. That could lend itself to additional verses like John suggested. I like the idea of waiting for the phone to ring and wondering how she lost the number, but you could also add a verse about waiting for her to come home and wondering how she lost her way. The 5 long years line would work with this too.

~T

Richard Tracey · July 17, 2016

Hope you don't mind me having a little shot at this. This was a song I wrote a while ago about an imaginary break-up (my wife hates when I write these kinds of lyrics, I have to keep telling her they are not about her )

Another Yesterday

You dream of tomorrow

But live for yesterday

It's a world away

Your heart is lying

Gave up on trying

A faith is dying

I know that you see it

It's not a secret

Don't try to keep it

The winds are changing

A life so fleeting

A dream repeating

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

The promise you're making

It's not for breaking

A dream awaking

What is this feeling

It has no meaning

A life you're stealing

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

this is a mainly piano based piece of music that I could never get to sound they way I imagined in my head. Hopefully the lyrics are the kind of idea you were looking for John.

cheers Richard

JH Michaels · July 18, 2016

23 hours ago, Richard Tracey said:

Hope you don't mind me having a little shot at this. This was a song I wrote a while ago about an imaginary break-up (my wife hates when I write these kinds of lyrics, I have to keep telling her they are not about her )

Another Yesterday

You dream of tomorrow

But live for yesterday

It's a world away

Your heart is lying

Gave up on trying

A faith is dying

I know that you see it

It's not a secret

Don't try to keep it

The winds are changing

A life so fleeting

A dream repeating

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

The promise you're making

It's not for breaking

A dream awaking

What is this feeling

It has no meaning

A life you're stealing

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

this is a mainly piano based piece of music that I could never get to sound they way I imagined in my head. Hopefully the lyrics are the kind of idea you were looking for John.

cheers Richard

That is so funny.....my wife does the very same thing......so here's my entry for the big breakup. I just posted a song like this so I didn't think it would be fair to use it lol.

Let Me Down Softly

Verse:

I see you walking toward me

With a look that says

Something’s on your mind

So I’m holding my breath

You say we have to talk

Well don’t it always start that way

You came to say good-bye

And you just can’t stay

Pre-Chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please……………………..

Chorus:

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

Bridge:

It’s not a surprise you found someone new

You said it started out small then changed and grew

You tried to warn me so many times, oh it’s true

That you needed more than I could give to you.

Pre-chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please………………………

Chorus

Verse:

I’m quietly dying inside

But I put on a brave show

And tell you I wish you all the best

While you sadly smile and go

And with you goes a part of me

That will forever be gone

And how can I stop loving you

When you’re all I want

Pre-chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please………………………

Chorus/end:

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

Yeah

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

Richard Tracey · July 18, 2016

2 minutes ago, JH Michaels said:

That is so funny.....my wife does the very same thing......so here's my entry for the big breakup. I just posted a song like this so I didn't think it would be fair to use it lol.

Let Me Down Softly

Copyright 2016 JH Michaels

All rights reserved

Verse:

I see you walking toward me

With a look that says

Something’s on your mind

So I’m holding my breath

You say we have to talk

Well don’t it always start that way

You came to say good-bye

And you just can’t stay

Pre-Chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please……………………..

Chorus:

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

Bridge:

It’s not a surprise you found someone new

You said it started out small then changed and grew

You tried to warn me so many times, oh it’s true

That you needed more than I could give to you.

Pre-chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please………………………

Chorus

Verse:

I’m quietly dying inside

But I put on a brave show

And tell you I wish you all the best

While you sadly smile and go

And with you goes a part of me

That will forever be gone

And how can I stop loving you

When you’re all I want

Pre-chorus:

So like golden sunlight

On an autumn day

Like falling leaves

So please………………………

Chorus/end:

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

Yeah

Let me down softly

Oh

Let me down softly

I really like these lyrics, they paint a strong image of the end of the relationship. I especially like the pre-chorus and the minimal chorus.

Richard

Timbre · July 19, 2016

On 7/17/2016 at 7:07 PM, Richard Tracey said:

Another Yesterday

You dream of tomorrow

But live for yesterday

It's a world away

Your heart is lying

Gave up on trying

A faith is dying

I know that you see it

It's not a secret

Don't try to keep it

The winds are changing

A life so fleeting

A dream repeating

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

The promise you're making

It's not for breaking

A dream awaking

What is this feeling

It has no meaning

A life you're stealing

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

Richard,

Lots of good stuff going on with this both structurally and lyrically. Using triplets for the verses was a nice change from the usual. And you have some great individual lines and rhymes. For me, each triplet seemed to stand on its own rather than connect up with the others and I was wanting some resolution in cadence, maybe with couplets between each triplet. I also felt like the idea of "another yesterday" didn't invoke a breakup as strongly as it could. It makes sense that wanting to live in the past would get in the way of the relationship and lead to a breakup, but this great hook idea could have been developed more in the verses.

The chorus language was very straightforward and didn't have quite the flair of the verses, so you might consider tweaking the chorus a bit to have a similar style. For example the line "a life that was full of fun" seemed a departure from lines like "a dream awaking". Keep or sweep as you see fit.

Enjoyed it!

~T

JH Michaels · July 19, 2016

On 7/17/2016 at 4:07 PM, Richard Tracey said:

Hope you don't mind me having a little shot at this. This was a song I wrote a while ago about an imaginary break-up (my wife hates when I write these kinds of lyrics, I have to keep telling her they are not about her )

Another Yesterday

You dream of tomorrow

But live for yesterday

It's a world away

Your heart is lying

Gave up on trying

A faith is dying

I know that you see it

It's not a secret

Don't try to keep it

The winds are changing

A life so fleeting

A dream repeating

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

The promise you're making

It's not for breaking

A dream awaking

What is this feeling

It has no meaning

A life you're stealing

And all of the things we've done

A life that was full of fun

You gave it all away

To live for another yesterday

this is a mainly piano based piece of music that I could never get to sound they way I imagined in my head. Hopefully the lyrics are the kind of idea you were looking for John.

cheers Richard

Hi Richard,

I have to agree with timbre that the chorus could be stronger......to me it doesn't carry the same weight as the verses. As a suggestion maybe something like:

And all the things we've done

A life that was ours to run

You gave it all away

For a lie from yesterday

Maybe a tweak or two in the verses to tie in the "Buddy, you blew that one" theme. just my two cents and I did enjoy the read....keep them coming!

JH Michaels · July 19, 2016

On 7/17/2016 at 7:14 AM, Timbre said:

The End of My Last Chance

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

Verse 1

I thought I’d have more time

To make our brand new start

But I waited too long

To take care of your heart

You tell me to move on

But I don’t see how I can

I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Verse 2

I missed all the signs

That the end was near

You didn’t make demands

And you cried no more tears

I finally crossed your line

Written in the sand

I’m a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Chorus

What kind of man holds the world in his hands

Then lets it all go on a whim

Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime

To chase just one night of sin

And what do I see staring back in the mirror

When I get up the nerve to glance

Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Verse 3

I know that I was blind

Now you’re all that I can see

And your eyes are telling mine

You’re all but done with me

It’s finally sinking in

And it’s more than I can stand

I’m just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Chorus

What kind of man holds the world in his hands

Then lets it all go on a whim

Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime

To chase just one night of sin

And what do I see staring back in the mirror

When I get up the nerve to glance

Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Repeat Chorus

Hi Timbre,

These are very tight lyrics..nicely done. The only minor nit I have would be "What kind of man holds the world in his hands" . I would think about changing that to " How can a man who holds my world in his hands.....let it go on just a whim" To me it makes him sound more like the callous,thoughtless, selfish, b****rd he is lol. Just a thought. Loved the read.

JH Michaels · July 19, 2016

On 7/16/2016 at 10:15 PM, Nightwolf said:

Waitin' for the phone to ring

Every Day I die

just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' on a word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

I think my baby lost my number

Or she would have called by now

I think my baby lost my number

But I can't see how

For five long years now people

It was her number too

If I thought she wasn't gonna call

I don't know what I'd do

I get so lonely

Yeah, yes it's true

Waitin' for a call from you

Every Day I die just a little

Just waitin' for the phone to ring

Waitin' for word from my baby

And I still haven't heard a thing

Not a thing

Hey John,

I really hear this with some serious blues......I think it needs more content as well. a bridge, more chorus...another verse....lot's of stuff to choose from. I'd love to hear some music with this.

Richard Tracey · July 19, 2016

Hi Timbre / JH Michaels, thanks for your comments.

I'm glad you liked the idea of the triplets in the verses as I was going for something a bit different for a change and you are correct about the chorus being the weakest part. I was never too happy with the lyrics in the chorus, especially the word 'fun' and I really should revisit this.

These lyrics literally took about 10 minutes and came quite quickly as I was composing a piano piece of music. As the piano piece gave a kind of sad feeling, I didn't want the lyrics to be the usual 'I hate you, we need to break up' affair, but was just a partner trying to tell the other partner that yearning for a relationship from the past isn't always the best and it was in the past for a reason (the grass isn't always greener kind of thing). I wanted the lyrics to be simple and get away from the standard storytelling, as this is something I am guilty of in most of my lyrics.

This is one of the reasons I joined this group, was to get critique and hopefully get a better understanding of writing lyrics / structure / content etc.

I have to say, I am kind of tied to the 'another yesterday' title and line in the chorus and liked the simplicity of it, but I will definately have another go at the wording of the rest of the chorus.

Thanks for your input, much appreciated.

Cheers Richard

Okay, had a quick rethink of the chorus, trying to keep in mind the structure of the piano piece. How does this sound:

After all of the things we've done

You tell me that I'm not the one

So you'll throw your life away

To live for another yesterday

Edited July 19, 2016 by Richard Tracey

Timbre · July 19, 2016

I agree that "another yesterday" is a keeper; just needs verses and chorus to back it up some more. This tweak in the chorus does make it stronger, but could use more tie-in with the title/hook. You might do this with contrasting yesterday with today like this, for example:

So you'll throw away today

To live another yesterday

~T

Richard Tracey · July 19, 2016

Thanks Timbre, I like that line and will now take another look at this track. It has been sitting on my hard drive since the day I composed it and have not revisited it since then.

That was about 3 years ago!!!

Edited July 19, 2016 by Richard Tracey

Nightwolf · July 19, 2016

On ‎7‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 7:14 AM, Timbre said:

The End of My Last Chance

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

Chorus

What kind of man holds the world in his hands

Then lets it all go on a whim

Who turns his back on the love of a lifetime

To chase just one night of sin

And what do I see staring back in the mirror

When I get up the nerve to glance

Just a fool who missed the end of my last chance

Big fan of the chorus, very evocative. I can see a guy standing at a full length mirror with his head down with something broken in his hands.

Would it make sense to make it past tense?

Timbre · July 20, 2016

That could work. I settled on trying to capture his current realization of what a mess he'd made of things to fit the challenge requirement that the lyrics be conversational as if talking to someone. So the verses reflect him talking to his ex and the chorus is him talking to himself. Both both could definitely be tweaked to past tense as if he's telling his story to an audience. Thanks for the read!

~T

CashiousDray · July 23, 2016

Hericant

Verse 1

There wasn't a forecast it didn't look like rain
But as soon as I got home the downpour came
I thought being inside would of kept me dry
Be we all are about to see that that's a lie
The wind started throwin shit around
So I go with the instinct to hit the ground
Damn dawg this so f*cked up
Everything is hitting the walls and tearing the house up
Glass is just shattered
But that doesn't even matter
All you can hear the wind howling
And this inning is now an outing
The door is off its hinges
Carpet peeled like oranges
And branches stuck in the walls like syringes
And a car stopped inches
Away from me
This storm crazy g

why is this happening to me

Cause I have the only house destroyed on this street because

Bridge

She's a hurricane
Around she came again
She thought I was cheating
So she gave the house a beating
When she became
A mutha f*ckin hurricane
If this is her we shouldn't be together
The aftermath doesn't seem too much better

So I'm stuck askin myself

Chorus

What am I doing here

I ask myself what and i doin here (x4)

Verse 2

Look at this mess I should get a maid
I wasn't worried about the wind or phased by the rain
Cause all I can think about is the pain (pane)
Yea insurance can buy a new frame
But it can't replace the memories that were made
In the portrait
That portaried bliss
Between us through a kiss
Yea I miss those lips
And reminess
On their softness
But the attitude is what's hard
To deal with like a bad alignment on a car
Umm we ain't gettin too far
And I only got her to blame

Bridge

Cause She's a hurricane
Around she came again
She thought I was cheating
So she gave the house a beating
When she became
A mutha f*ckin hurricane
If this is her we shouldn't be together
The aftermath doesn't seem too much better

So im asking myself

Chorus

What am I doing here

I ask myself what and i doin here (x4)

That's a good question to be asking myself
Actually this is better is this good for my health
Idk oh well
Now I'm calling for help
I'm sure never seen her
When she thinks she found herself a cheatha
And when she does her name is Katrina
But since its in my house it looks a whole lot meaner
So I'm now got my slate and headed to the cleaners
Because if this is how she gets then I don't even need her
Cause there's always a chick that will treat me better
And never bring me home to this shitty weather
Cause I don't need this again
Seeing clear skies outside the door frame
And its horrible inside because

She's a hurricane

Pragati · July 23, 2016

Broken homes, cold lands

Distant looks, empty hands

See, then unsee

Give and take back

Never thought you'd be good at that

Darken the room, after shining the lights

Kiss me to death, after you make me come alive

Try, then lie

Give and take back

Never thought you'd be good at that

------

But leaves turn yellow leaving behind their color

The air becomes cold, forgetting every trace of summer

What do you do with the memories you remember?

You bury them deep, under the snow of December.

Blood runs warm, in the cold, raging weather

Tears flow, walls grow beneath all the outer covers

What do you do if you don't want to turn back ever

You leave your miseries behind, in the snow of December

------

Tell me your story, then twist the tale

Start the chapter, then tear the page

be, then change

Give and take back

Never thought you'd be good at that

Build the ladder, to break the steps

Show me your world, to leave me at your doorstep

begin, then burn

Give and take back

Never thought you'd be good at that

-----

But leaves turn yellow leaving behind their color

The air becomes cold, forgetting every trace of summer

What do you do with the memories you remember?

You bury them deep, under the snow of December.

Blood runs warm, in the cold, raging weather

Tears flow, walls grow beneath all the outer covers

What do you do if you don't want to turn back ever

You leave your miseries behind, in the snow of December

-----

Memories make, Memories break

All day, all night

Your thoughts have kept me awake

I have been going back

Looking for my mistake

Was it loving you when you loved me?

Was it being with you when you were with me?

It's hard to take in, You'll never be there ever

You are poison, I am withering with each letter

I'll end this pain, I'll end it this December

Love, then let go

Learn and live on

Never thought I'd be good at that

-----

'Caz leaves turn yellow leaving behind their color

The air becomes cold, forgetting every trace of summer

But what do you do with the memories you remember?

You bury them deep, under the snow of December.

Blood runs warm, in the cold, raging weather

Tears flow, walls grow beneath all the outer covers

What do you do if you don't want to turn back ever

You leave your miseries behind, in the snow of December

You walk a different direction, towards the next summer

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Love Song Challenge 3 - The Break Up

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