Poetry that might be rap

[deathbymac]

I need some criticism for this piece. It's not completely solid, yet. I hope it doesn't sound too cheesy. I wrote this about an hour ago. It's about 3:40 am right now.

 

sorry I'm not spoiled like you
sorry I don't get paid every time i do the dishes like you
sorry people like you, more than me
sorry you opened your heart for me, but I said run free
sorry I declined your kickback, you gave me a panic attack, I'm not even lying about that
go f*cking wild in your head and write text posts about me
you know damn well I'm just that insane, that I'll be doing the same
sorry I'd rather hurt myself than hurt the person standing right in front of me
don't you see, I'm f*cking imploding
But it's all good cause you got all your friends ready for my exposing 
Just cause you got more numbers doesn't mean you're better than me
this all just feels like a waiting game
all these relationships in the end are all the same
this is just a long list of bottled emotions
I'm not trying to start any commotion

 

[UndefinedLyrics]

I dig it man. Certainly sounds like a piece from your heart aka something you've experienced. I would personally swap the last two lines to emphasize that after all you've said, it's your "bottled up emotions" that are most important rather than you're "not trying to start a commotion." When I read the last line I feel like you're getting ready to say something else.

 

Other than that I like it because it's very literal. I often find myself going to far the other way using analogies and metaphors but I like the straight talk.