Ballad Challenge #1

[Karanis]

Well, shoot... I can't meet the requirements on the references, but I can give out a base Idea.

 

If you could help a little, I might be able to take the idea and put it into the requirements.

 

Here:

 

(First Base Instrumental)

 

(Choir)

 

(End Choir)

 

Silent shouts in oblivion
Echoes off of obsidian
The dying child of light
Can sing of true sin

 

Here in the night, I lie
Out of a life supply
Floating eyes will wander
As I slowly choke and die

 

I can hear the gates opening
To the great all-knowing
My time has now come

 

Death is now showing
I've become numb
To the last bell tolling

 

Now in the dark, I sleep
With shadows of the deep
In my lies I surrender
To the others who will weep

 

(Second Base Instrumental)

 

(Wait, don't leave me!)
(There's nothing here to foresee!)

(I don't belong here!)
(Death, come take me!)

 

(End)

[Skin]

Hi Karanis

Ive tried but I cant turn what you have into anything with a refrain using any line in the verse!

sorry bro but I think you may need to start afresh?

good luck

Les

[john]

7 hours ago, Karanis said:

Well, shoot... I can't meet the requirements on the references, but I can give out a base Idea.

 

If you could help a little, I might be able to take the idea and put it into the requirements.

 

Here:

 

(First Base Instrumental)

 

(Choir)

 

(End Choir)

 

Silent shouts in oblivion
Echoes off of obsidian
The dying child of light
Can sing of true sin

 

Here in the night, I lie
Out of a life supply
Floating eyes will wander
As I slowly choke and die

 

I can hear the gates opening
To the great all-knowing
My time has now come

 

Death is now showing
I've become numb
To the last bell tolling

 

Now in the dark, I sleep
With shadows of the deep
In my lies I surrender
To the others who will weep

 

(Second Base Instrumental)

 

(Wait, don't leave me!)
(There's nothing here to foresee!)

(I don't belong here!)
(Death, come take me!)

 

(End)

 

Well, it's not "Can't meet the requirements" so much as "My song doesn't meet the requirements.... Yet!" Lol

 

in addition to the content requirements your song is not AABA form (or a derivative of). Did you read the 3 articles I linked to above? Remember, a big part of this is trying to meet the brief because the song briefs will take you out your comfort zone and expand your song writing.

 

First of all I would look at the structure... 3 verses (the A sections), 1 bridge section (the B section) sandwiched between 2nd and 3rd verses. This gives a section layout of AABA. This is all explained in the articles.

 

Secondly, the number of lines to a verse. 4 or 8 are a common choice. This is explained in the AABA article.

 

There is a requirement for a refrain. The song building blocks article explains how a refrain and chorus differ. In essence, a chorus could be classed as a type of refrain, but the requirement for this challenge is a refrain, not a chorus. For our purposes that is a line that is repeated in every verse (not the bridge), in the same place in each verse. Most common is the last line or two lines... But second most common would be the first line of the verse. Other lines are sometimes the refrain, but much less common. Two lines are more commonly used  in 8 line verses.

 

Often the number of lines in the verses is the number used for the bridge

 

fitting in a number and color should be easy.... As for music genre, I would think that pretty easy too... The public figure... Well if you choose a singer it could be related to the music genre requirement.

 

one other main point would be rhyme scheme. You can use whatever rhyme scheme you want, but the fact is that songs work best when the rhyme scheme is consistently used. In this case it isn't. Look at the end of line rhymes you use... And some are really pretty good, just out of place:

 

your rhyme scheme is AABC, ABCA, AaB, ABa, AABA, AABA where lower case letters are half rhymes.

 

Ideally your verses should all use the same rhyme scheme. Because of your refrain line placement, it will have an impact on the rhyme scheme (because the refrain lines remain the same. Refrain lines work pretty well when they rhyme. So you could go for ABCA, or ABCB or ABCC. Personally I think ABCB would be too bouncy for a dark song.

 

To help draw distinction between the A and B song sections, use a different rhyme scheme for the B section, even no rhyming. So combining the song sections and rhyme scheme you might end up with ABCA ABCA ABCD ABCA. Note, the rhyme scheme letters are reset for each section. It B in verse 1 might be an "Oooo" sound... But B in the second verse could be an "Ahhh" sound. The only thing that changes this are that the refrain line is exactly the same in each verse. So the A sound in all verses is the same. The A sound in the bridge however can be different as the bridge has no refrain.

 

You might need to read that a few times.

 

Lets say you chose "Here in the night, I lie" as your refrain...It could be improved on as a refrain, but for this discussion lets go with that. let's place it at the end of the verse. That means we need a first line of each verse to rhyme with "lie". The other lines in the verse should not rhyme.

 

To a large extent, you can just move around the lines you have and then tweak from there.

 

As a lyric these changes will make it more memorable, easier to take on board and learn and should hopefully really work well.

 

hopefully this is of help. 

[Skin]

Ok I got to admit this is a toughie! Looks easy! sounds easy! but it aint easy!

 

This is the stage I have got too thus far, I have a few various lines that relate to the posted ones.

Now the idea I have for the bridge follows the path of the religous people of the world condeming RnR with that in mind I hope the 3rd verse will flow on from the bridge once done.

Bridge not completed yet.

The other thing is in the last verse i rhyme 1st n 3rd lines but not n the previous verses.

Any thoughts people?

In The Name Of Rock n Roll 

 

V 

Forgive me father I have sinned

Now the Devil owns my soul

They tell me I will go to Hell

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

V

Blackened heart twisted mind

I've strayed outside the fold

Knows not what he does they cry

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

V

Too late now for redemption

The bell of my master tolls

I've chosen my own damnation

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

Edited September 12, 2016 by Skin

[JH Michaels]

Hi Les, so far I'm hearing Ozzy Osborne doing this..that's a good thing...for some reason I keep hearing this to "Bark At the Moon"  The only nit I have is the line " Knows not what he does they cry".  It's more like David's favorite phrase "Yoda-speak"  IMHO. Would you consider something like "Forgive me, for I have sinned" or at something else more direct?  I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of this! - John

[Skin]

Hi John

Thanks for the read and comments, I hear this rock sort of growly if you know what I mean.

The line you mention was meant to follow the religious trend of the lyric and how the religious people blame the music for me straying outside the fold, you know devils music hahahaha (evil laugh) but yes there possibly could be a better line and using sinned again to me would not be a big issue.

im. Having some trouble getting the bridge right, and ive still got to slot a number in there the obvious being 666 not sure yet which version of what i have i will finish.

 

Thanks for the read

 

Les

[JH Michaels]

Here's my submission....I think I have the proper form and all the ingredients required ....color: crimson, black, white  publicfigure: God (why not go for the top)  music genre: opera  and number: one.  I'm still working out the final chord progression, change-ups and transitions, but here are the lyrics I'm using.  Any comments are welcome!

 

Innocent Eyes

Copyright 2016- JH Michaels (all rights reserved)

Verse: 1

We’re born into this world with innocent eyes

With no distrust and none to hate

But we learn from those we trust the most

Mothers, fathers, and pious faith

That shades our innocent eyes

Verse: 2

Some shout out that “It’s the word of God”!

But God doesn’t say these things

And He shudders at the crimson opera

Each demonic voice sings

To destroy our innocent eyes

Bridge:

We’re one and the same

Each and all

Only learning to walk

After we crawl

We’re just a blank slate

Born by fate

We often don’t realize

We have lost

Our innocent eyes

Verse: 3

Oh tell me the colors of tears or blood

When skin is white or black

The answer is deep in our soul

All we have to do is look back

Through innocent eyes

Outro: 

We’re all the same

Through innocent eyes

We’re all the same

Through innocent eyes.

Inst then fade

End

[Skin]

Hi John

Using God too me is fine im using Devil!

May slip  a God in there somewhere lol.

At.work.on my.phone so.will have a.proper read.later but like what you have

Les

[JH Michaels]

On ‎9‎/‎9‎/‎2016 at 3:07 PM, Karanis said:

Well, shoot... I can't meet the requirements on the references, but I can give out a base Idea.

 

If you could help a little, I might be able to take the idea and put it into the requirements.

 

Here:

 

(First Base Instrumental)

 

(Choir)

 

(End Choir)

 

Silent shouts in oblivion
Echoes off of obsidian
The dying child of light
Can sing of true sin

 

Here in the night, I lie
Out of a life supply
Floating eyes will wander
As I slowly choke and die

 

I can hear the gates opening
To the great all-knowing
My time has now come

 

Death is now showing
I've become numb
To the last bell tolling

 

Now in the dark, I sleep
With shadows of the deep
In my lies I surrender
To the others who will weep

 

(Second Base Instrumental)

 

(Wait, don't leave me!)
(There's nothing here to foresee!)

(I don't belong here!)
(Death, come take me!)

 

(End)

I couldn't find anything in there to use as a refrain either, that being said, I think that you could come up with one pretty easily given the subject matter.  I see the public figure, Death, and obsidian could be construed as a color in this context.  I'm not seeing the reference to music genre (personally, I'd love to see a reference to polka..lol), or a number or a bridge that would follow the ballad form.  I think you have some good material to comb through and massage into the proper format.  I'd like to see what you do with it. 

[Skin]

Heres a complete version, still unsure of it as a whole and have been twiddling with  the bridge for ages then this came out.

Hope you enjoy the read

Grunty rock genre!

 

In The Name Of Rock n Roll ...copyright LGS2017

V

Forgive me father I have sinned

Now the Devil owns my soul

They tell me I will go to Hell

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

V

Blackened heart twisted mind

I've strayed outside the fold

He knows not what he does (they cry)

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

I had an idea to swap these lines? 

added to the end of the originals.

B

I don't need the false salvation

Of men with lack of vision

Bring on the four horsemen...If this is the Devils music

If this is the Devils music........Bring on the four horsemen

replace "Then"  with "And"

Then I will ride with them

 

V

Too late now for redemption

The bell of my master tolls

I've chosen my own damnation

In the name of Rock n Roll

Edited September 17, 2016 by Skin
After thoughts

[Skin]

John

Theres not much I can offer on your lyric other than a few tweaks.

I did think the 3rd verse did not have the same flow to the melody i had for the other verses? This line makes me want to add words lol.

Each demonic voice sings to Of each demonic voice that sings?

 

Otherwise a good solid write that has a stong message and ticks all the boxes for the challenge.

 

Les

Edited September 17, 2016 by Skin

[Karanis]

On ‎9‎/‎10‎/‎2016 at 0:23 AM, john said:

 

Well, it's not "Can't meet the requirements" so much as "My song doesn't meet the requirements.... Yet!" Lol

 

in addition to the content requirements your song is not AABA form (or a derivative of). Did you read the 3 articles I linked to above? Remember, a big part of this is trying to meet the brief because the song briefs will take you out your comfort zone and expand your song writing.

 

First of all I would look at the structure... 3 verses (the A sections), 1 bridge section (the B section) sandwiched between 2nd and 3rd verses. This gives a section layout of AABA. This is all explained in the articles.

 

Secondly, the number of lines to a verse. 4 or 8 are a common choice. This is explained in the AABA article.

 

There is a requirement for a refrain. The song building blocks article explains how a refrain and chorus differ. In essence, a chorus could be classed as a type of refrain, but the requirement for this challenge is a refrain, not a chorus. For our purposes that is a line that is repeated in every verse (not the bridge), in the same place in each verse. Most common is the last line or two lines... But second most common would be the first line of the verse. Other lines are sometimes the refrain, but much less common. Two lines are more commonly used  in 8 line verses.

 

Often the number of lines in the verses is the number used for the bridge

 

fitting in a number and color should be easy.... As for music genre, I would think that pretty easy too... The public figure... Well if you choose a singer it could be related to the music genre requirement.

 

one other main point would be rhyme scheme. You can use whatever rhyme scheme you want, but the fact is that songs work best when the rhyme scheme is consistently used. In this case it isn't. Look at the end of line rhymes you use... And some are really pretty good, just out of place:

 

your rhyme scheme is AABC, ABCA, AaB, ABa, AABA, AABA where lower case letters are half rhymes.

 

Ideally your verses should all use the same rhyme scheme. Because of your refrain line placement, it will have an impact on the rhyme scheme (because the refrain lines remain the same. Refrain lines work pretty well when they rhyme. So you could go for ABCA, or ABCB or ABCC. Personally I think ABCB would be too bouncy for a dark song.

 

To help draw distinction between the A and B song sections, use a different rhyme scheme for the B section, even no rhyming. So combining the song sections and rhyme scheme you might end up with ABCA ABCA ABCD ABCA. Note, the rhyme scheme letters are reset for each section. It B in verse 1 might be an "Oooo" sound... But B in the second verse could be an "Ahhh" sound. The only thing that changes this are that the refrain line is exactly the same in each verse. So the A sound in all verses is the same. The A sound in the bridge however can be different as the bridge has no refrain.

 

You might need to read that a few times.

 

Lets say you chose "Here in the night, I lie" as your refrain...It could be improved on as a refrain, but for this discussion lets go with that. let's place it at the end of the verse. That means we need a first line of each verse to rhyme with "lie". The other lines in the verse should not rhyme.

 

To a large extent, you can just move around the lines you have and then tweak from there.

 

As a lyric these changes will make it more memorable, easier to take on board and learn and should hopefully really work well.

 

hopefully this is of help. 

Thank you for the information John... I think I just happened to miss the links for some reason. I thought it was purely the rhyme xD. that might explain the structural failure of the song.

[JH Michaels]

On ‎9‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 6:04 PM, Skin said:

Heres a complete version, still unsure of it as a whole and have been twiddling with  the bridge for ages then this came out.

Hope you enjoy the read

Grunty rock genre!

 

In The Name Of Rock n Roll ...copyright LGS2017

V

Forgive me father I have sinned

Now the Devil owns my soul

They tell me I will go to Hell

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

V

Blackened heart twisted mind

I've strayed outside the fold

He knows not what he does (they cry)

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

I had an idea to swap these lines? 

added to the end of the originals.

B

I don't need the false salvation

Of men with lack of vision

Bring on the four horsemen...If this is the Devils music

If this is the Devils music........Bring on the four horsemen

replace "Then"  with "And"

Then I will ride with them

 

V

Too late now for redemption

The bell of my master tolls

I've chosen my own damnation

In the name of Rock n Roll

Nice write Les!  Personally, I like "If this is the Devil's music, bring on the four horsemen"  FWIW, though, the bridge feels a bit short and stuttery (is that even a word?) at the last.  maybe changing "music" to "anthem" to rhyme better with horsemen? maybe adding two mores line for a little more depth maybe with the hook again on the last line (eg.  won't get no parole......while I ride to Rock n Roll") ?  .  Just some thoughts to consider. - John

[JH Michaels]

On ‎9‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 6:09 PM, Skin said:

Theres not much I can offer on your lyric other than a few tweaks.

I did think the 3rd verse did not have the same flow to the melody i had for the other verses? This line makes me want to add words lol.

Each demonic voice sings to Of each demonic voice that sings?

 

Otherwise a good solid write that has a stong message and ticks all the boxes for the challenge

Thanks for the kind words my friend.....I've been thinking about it this weekend and I think I agree that the transition from Opera to "Each demonic voice...." needs just a little something to make it smoother.  Musically, I've been lengthening some syllables to make it work in the 3rd verse....I might try adding a word or two to make it more consistant with verses 1 and 2 though.  Good points!  - john

[ames1212]

Hey John,

I have not been on in a while, but glad you started the challenges back. They always push me when I get in a rut.I wrote one real quick last night, I think I got all the critea, but it eeds some tweaking.

 

 

 

A  I grew upcountry as a blue tick hound.

A Myrle Haggard was my kind of sound.

B taught southern values since I was three.

.A Then you walked in Rebellion Bound.

B And you rocked the country out of me.

A Yeah you rocked my country when you came to town.

 

 

A Wearing  ripped jeans riding on your bike.

A. Jimmy Hendrix blasting from the mic.

B Your a City boy your so different from me.

A I'm a big sucker for the bad boy type.

B  But you rocked the country out of me.

A yeah you rocked the country out of my life.

 

 

Bridge

Your the kind mama warned me about,

But it's a little late for the warning now.

Your a  Christian girls worst dream.

But you came on strong like james Dean.

And you rocked the country out of me.

Yeah you rocked the country out of me.

Repeat.

[JH Michaels]

Good Goobers!  You came up with that "real quick"  ?  sheesh, nicely done.......and I like the theme.  Just a couple of nits from me.....I know mic rhymes with bike...but....mics don't blast anything so I have a hang up there....the other nit is that you should have another verse after the bridge .......so if this is what you can do real quick....I'd love to see what you add to the song.

[Skin]

John! Good Goobers? Where the bugger does that saying come from? I like it though lol.

I am pretty much with the mic thing as well, and this lady can write real well.

 

Les

 

[Skin]

12 hours ago, JH Michaels said:

Nice write Les!  Personally, I like "If this is the Devil's music, bring on the four horsemen"  FWIW, though, the bridge feels a bit short and stuttery (is that even a word?) at the last.  maybe changing "music" to "anthem" to rhyme better with horsemen? maybe adding two mores line for a little more depth maybe with the hook again on the last line (eg.  won't get no parole......while I ride to Rock n Roll") ?  .  Just some thoughts to consider. - John

The bridge has been the bain of my life for ths one, I have toyed with many ideas and none seem too truely fit!

I did have a longer version of the bridge and quite like the " riding to RnR" line but would may be use "with" instead of to.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and sorry I could not give you a more indepth critique.

 

Cheers

Les

[ames1212]

On ‎9‎/‎6‎/‎2016 at 8:23 PM, teek said:

Declan MacManus

 

V.1.

A given name of Declan , no political ambition

A punk with a metaphor , he's just a musician

Does the hard yards , on the road

Always lives by , the musicians code

 

V.2.

Been to number one , but the jobs not done

He's been in Vogue , and the cover of Rolling Stone

Wears a stylish suit , white  fedora on top

What happened to Veronica , swimming in pop

 

 

Bridge

A punk with a metaphor

Just a little left of centre

Has the blues in his soul

Listening taste is classical

Plays in the mainstream

He's just so discographical

 

V.3.

He may be last years model , but is still current today

A social listener , that never went away

Just a little left of centre , anti establishment

A snappy dresser , looks the proper gent

 

 

 

 

I like the idea of this and you have some really good images in the song but it needs a few tweaks.When you have this style of song without a chorus, you have to have one line in every verse which is exactly the same to tie it all in and give it the flow it needs. You do not have a consistant tag line in every verse,  One thing I would look at also is the 1st line of your bridge being the same as line two of the verse. The bridge is the place to say something different that has not been used before in the song, unless it is the tag line. it can be done, but it takes away fro the impact of that line in the verse. If you were to reuse that line I would use it in the verses instead of the bridge. You have some cool images going on in the song but you need a tag line that is exactly the same in each verse. Good job with the creative imagery.

Amy

[ames1212]

On ‎9‎/‎7‎/‎2016 at 5:09 AM, Skin said:

I'm doing a teek here and posting a part of and idea for this challenge and I have a question for anyone.

Does it make any sense? 

 

V1

Forgive me father for I have sinned

And the Devil has my soul

They tell me I will go to Hell

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

V2

Blackened heart and twisted mind

I have strayed outside the fold

Know not what he does they cry

In the name of Rock n Roll

 

It could be that by me asking this question I have already answered it?

I think I need some sleep lol!

 

Cheers

Les

Les I like where you are going with this. You set up a nice imagery and it is painting a great picture so far. I love the tag line and the story of someone going off path in the name of rock N roll. I would come up with a bridge that explained how and when he got off track, what was he like before and it will tie in real nice with what you have so far. This start is really good. look forward to seeing where it goes.

Amy