Jump to content

Your Ad Could Be Here

Ballad Challenge #1


Recommended Posts

On ‎9‎/‎9‎/‎2016 at 6:07 PM, Karanis said:

Well, shoot... I can't meet the requirements on the references, but I can give out a base Idea.

 

If you could help a little, I might be able to take the idea and put it into the requirements.

 

Here:

 

(First Base Instrumental)
 
(Choir)
 
(End Choir)
 
Silent shouts in oblivion
Echoes off of obsidian
The dying child of light
Can sing of true sin
 
Here in the night, I lie
Out of a life supply
Floating eyes will wander
As I slowly choke and die
 
I can hear the gates opening
To the great all-knowing
My time has now come
 
Death is now showing
I've become numb
To the last bell tolling
 
Now in the dark, I sleep
With shadows of the deep
In my lies I surrender
To the others who will weep
 
(Second Base Instrumental)
 
(Wait, don't leave me!)
(There's nothing here to foresee!)
(I don't belong here!)
(Death, come take me!)
 
(End)

Hi Karanis,

You do have a lot of dark imagery here and that can make for interesting songs at times. I feel that the rhymes are not conversational and very forced in places. It reads more like a poem. Also there is so refrain line that is consistant through out the song, so it makes it seem clunky. On a song with no chorus there needs to be repetition in every verse to make it flow and have a structure that moves rather than creep along. On the first verse you have: Silent shouts in oblivion
Echoes off of obsidian, if you changed verse two to Echoes of guilt from within it makes it a little more personal and conversational.I think you need to think of one line to put in every verse and you will have a good solid song and work on it being a little more conversational rather than matchy matchy. Good work.

Link to comment
On ‎9‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 6:00 PM, JH Michaels said:

Here's my submission....I think I have the proper form and all the ingredients required ....color: crimson, black, white  publicfigure: God (why not go for the top)  music genre: opera  and number: one.  I'm still working out the final chord progression, change-ups and transitions, but here are the lyrics I'm using.  Any comments are welcome!

 

Innocent Eyes

Copyright 2016- JH Michaels (all rights reserved)

Verse: 1

We’re born into this world with innocent eyes

With no distrust and none to hate

But we learn from those we trust the most

Mothers, fathers, and pious faith

That shades our innocent eyes

Verse: 2

Some shout out that “It’s the word of God”!

But God doesn’t say these things

And He shudders at the crimson opera

Each demonic voice sings

To destroy our innocent eyes

Bridge:

We’re one and the same

Each and all

Only learning to walk

After we crawl

We’re just a blank slate

Born by fate

We often don’t realize

We have lost

Our innocent eyes

Verse: 3

Oh tell me the colors of tears or blood

When skin is white or black

The answer is deep in our soul

All we have to do is look back

Through innocent eyes

Outro: 

We’re all the same

Through innocent eyes

We’re all the same

Through innocent eyes.

Inst then fade

End

Hi JH,

You have a great idea here and you have used the innocent eyes very well through out the song. I would like to know a little why the singer felt we went astray and where it went wrong. To me that would complete the idea a little more. I loved the idea.

Amy

Link to comment
17 hours ago, JH Michaels said:

Good Goobers!  You came up with that "real quick"  ?  sheesh, nicely done.......and I like the theme.  Just a couple of nits from me.....I know mic rhymes with bike...but....mics don't blast anything so I have a hang up there....the other nit is that you should have another verse after the bridge .......so if this is what you can do real quick....I'd love to see what you add to the song.

 

17 hours ago, JH Michaels said:

Good Goobers!  You came up with that "real quick"  ?  sheesh, nicely done.......and I like the theme.  Just a couple of nits from me.....I know mic rhymes with bike...but....mics don't blast anything so I have a hang up there....the other nit is that you should have another verse after the bridge .......so if this is what you can do real quick....I'd love to see what you add to the song.

Lol, Jh I have never heard that expression before, lol. Thank you. I thought of just repeating verse one and two, does it need another verse if you repeat it? I was trying to think where to go from there. I will work on some more to get it a little more blanaced and try to come up with one more verse. Thanks for the compliments.

amy

Link to comment
9 hours ago, Skin said:

John! Good Goobers? Where the bugger does that saying come from? I like it though lol.

I am pretty much with the mic thing as well, and this lady can write real well.

 

Les

 

Hi les, Thanks for the sugestions and kind words. Glad to see you are still at it.

Amy

Link to comment
On ‎9‎/‎20‎/‎2016 at 7:15 AM, ames1212 said:

 

Lol, Jh I have never heard that expression before, lol. Thank you. I thought of just repeating verse one and two, does it need another verse if you repeat it? I was trying to think where to go from there. I will work on some more to get it a little more blanaced and try to come up with one more verse. Thanks for the compliments.

amy

Ames and Les.....you can thank my great-grandma for that one.....it's the worst language I ever heard her say.  I have no idea where she got it though.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

I made a few tweeks but this feels good to me as a final write.  Thanks to everyone for the crits and praise.  This was a good one, John!

 

Innocent Eyes

Copyright 2016- JH Michaels (all rights reserved)

Verse: 1

We’re born into this world with innocent eyes

With no distrust and none to hate

But we learn from those we trust the most

Our mothers, fathers, and zealous faith

That shades our innocent eyes

Verse: 2

Some shout out that “It’s the word of God”!

But God doesn’t say these things

And He shudders at the crimson opera

Each demonic voice sings

To destroy our innocent eyes

Bridge:

We’re one and the same

Each and all

Only learning to walk

After we crawl

We’re born by fate

With a blank slate

We often never realize

When we lost

Our innocent eyes

Verse: 3

Oh tell me the colors of tears or blood

When skin is yellow, brown, white or black

The answer lies buried deep in our soul

But all we have to do is look back

Through innocent eyes

Outro: 

We’re all the same

Through innocent eyes (x3)

Oh God let us keep

Our innocent eyes.

End

Edited by JH Michaels
Link to comment
On 19/09/2016 at 6:46 PM, ames1212 said:

Hey John,

I have not been on in a while, but glad you started the challenges back. They always push me when I get in a rut.I wrote one real quick last night, I think I got all the critea, but it eeds some tweaking.

 

 

 

A  I grew upcountry as a blue tick hound.

A Myrle Haggard was my kind of sound.

B taught southern values since I was three.

.A Then you walked in Rebellion Bound.

B And you rocked the country out of me.

A Yeah you rocked my country when you came to town.

 

 

A Wearing  ripped jeans riding on your bike.

A. Jimmy Hendrix blasting from the mic.

B Your a City boy your so different from me.

A I'm a big sucker for the bad boy type.

B  But you rocked the country out of me.

A yeah you rocked the country out of my life.

 

 

Bridge

Your the kind mama warned me about,

But it's a little late for the warning now.

Your a  Christian girls worst dream.

But you came on strong like james Dean.

And you rocked the country out of me.

Yeah you rocked the country out of me.

Repeat.

 

 

Hey Amy

 

Good to have you back posting....

 

the next challenge will will be posted on Sunday.

 

Meanwhile... the AABA is the song form, NOT the rhyme scheme.That said, there is nothing against you using the rhyme scheme that you have used. However, you are missing a verse to meet the challenge.... the "A" in question in AABA song form is a verse. The "B" is a second section, that more or less functions as a simple bridge for AABA song form (Or it's derivatives, such as AABABA)

 

if you read my answer to Karanis above or follow the links to the articles you will get the idea.

 

Meanwhile, some good entries... due to the misunderstandings over song form versus rhyme scheme I will extend the submission deadline to Sunday 25th. :)

Link to comment

A  I grew upcountry as a blue tick hound.

A Myrle Haggard was my kind of sound.

B taught southern values since I was three.

.A Then you walked in Rebellion Bound.

B And you rocked the country out of me.

A Yeah you rocked my country when you came to town.

 

 

A Wearing  ripped jeans riding on your bike.

A. Jimmy Hendrix blasting from the mic.

B Your a City boy your so different from me.

A I'm a big sucker for the bad boy type.

B  But you rocked the country out of me.

A yeah you rocked the country out of my life.

 

 

Bridge

Your the kind mama warned me about,

But it's a little late for the warning now.

Your a  Christian girls worst dream.

But you came on strong like james Dean.

And you rocked the country out of me.

Yeah you rocked the country out of me.

 

 

My sister said I was very different.

needed to be baptized by the holy spirit.

Because I've become a rock N roll queen.

The Baptist are whispering I can hear it.

Because you rocked the country out of me.

You rocked my country through all of this.

 

 

 

 

I will tweak it later, there is my last verse.

 

Link to comment

Hi John,

Glad I saw this today.  I've been wanting to try a Songstuff challenge so decided to jump in.   Going to check out everyone's works now that I have something to submit. 

 



Copyright 09/22/2016 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

I Took A Trip  

-------- V 1 -------
I took a trip far off the open highway
Electric blues and thunder fills the air
Lightening strikes but I can't tell the distance
White fog and mist around me everywhere

-------- V 2 --------
I took a trip to breathe and do it my way
Waiting for a raindance to join in
Finding love is nothing that is lasting
It's time to go away or back again

--------- B 1 -------
I can't stay long and I can't stay alone
Too many places I want to call home
Standing here drenched there's something I know
I took a trip that works for me

--------- V 3 --------
I took a trip along the narrow skyway
Newton's 3 are weighing on my mind
Knowing that I'm causing a reaction
My heart and soul is always left behind

--------- B 2 -------
I can't stay long and I can't stay alone
Too many places I want to call home
Standing entrenched there's something I know
I took a trip that works for me

 

 

 

Edited by Peggy
Link to comment

Hi Amy,

 

Enjoyed the read. Nice add on the third verse. Waiting to see your tweeks :)

 

The mic kinda stuck out to me too but haven't come up with a suggestion. 

 

Peggy

Link to comment
7 hours ago, JTG said:

Hi John, is this challenge over now or is the deadline the end of today USA time? Also, to submit, do I just send it like this, as in a reply to the topic?

thanks, Jean

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Jean

 

Yesterday I extended submission until Sunday midnight EST. To submit simply post your finished work in repky to this topic. Please mention that it is the finished work in the reply. :)

 

 

For all:

 

If your work is selected to be featured, I would recommend to all of you to update your "About Me" page in your board profile and add a lyrics collection thread to the lyrics showcase board (to post to that board you will need to have made a minimum of 10 posts). I then recommend that among any other profile links you have, that you link to your lyrics collection. I will also be looking for a photo,or logo... though it isn't compulsory. If you work is selected I will also be asking some interview style questions for our newsletter :)

 

Cheers

 

John

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

  I grew upcountry as a blue tick hound.

A Myrle Haggard was my kind of sound.

B taught southern values since I was three.

.A Then you walked in Rebellion Bound.

B And you rocked the country out of me.

A Yeah you rocked my country when you came to town.

 

 

A Wearing  ripped jeans riding on your bike.

A. Jimmy Hendrix blasting all night.

B Your a City boy , so different from me.

A always been a sucker for the bad boy type.

B  But you rocked the country out of me.

A yeah you rocked the country out of my life.

 

 

Bridge

Your the kind mama warned me about,

But it's a little late for the warning now.

Your a  Christian girls worst dream.

But you came on strong like james Dean.

And you rocked the country out of me.

Yeah you rocked the country out of me.

 

 

My sister said I was acting different.

needed to be baptized by the holy spirit.

Because I've become a rock N roll queen.

The Baptist are whispering I can hear it.

Because you rocked the country out of me.

You rocked my country, yes you did it...

 

 

Outro

Yeah you rocked the country, yeah you rocked the country, you rocked the country out of me.

 

 

 

Edited by ames1212
Link to comment
3 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Amy,

 

A couple of suggestions ..How about?

"Then you rode in rebellion bound"

"Jimmy  Hendrix blasting down/up the turnpike".  ? 

 

Peggy :)

Hi peggy,

good to see you! That was a good suggestion, but it felt a little log, so I went a different direction.Thanks for the insight though.

Amy

Link to comment
21 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Amy,

 

Enjoyed the read. Nice add on the third verse. Waiting to see your tweeks :)

 

The mic kinda stuck out to me too but haven't come up with a suggestion. 

 

Peggy

 

Hi , Amy and Peggy , 

 

I noticed the word "mic" also but did not dare to suggest a change , ( i thought doesn't the music come out of the speakers ? ) 

 

how about

 

Wearing  ripped jeans riding your Silver Arrow

Jimmy Hendrix blasting from the Radio 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Hi Teek,

I like that too. Although I would have to change my rhyme scheme on the others lines, butt hat is a great line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Hi everyone!  Here's my final... :)

 

Copyright 09/22/2016 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

I Took A Trip 

-------- V 1 -------
I took a trip far off the open highway
Electric blues and thunder fill the air
Lightening strikes but I can't tell the distance
White fog and mist around me everywhere

-------- V 2 --------
I took a trip intent to do it my way
Surrender all and dancing with the rain
Finding love is nothing that is lasting
It's time to go away or back again

--------- B 1 -------
I can't stay long and I can't stay alone
Too many places I want to call home
Standing here drenched there's something I know
I took a trip that was good for me

--------- V 3 --------
I took a trip along the narrow skyway
But Newton's 3 are weighing on my mind
Knowing that I'm causing a reaction
My heart and soul again are left behind

--------- B 2 -------
I can't stay long and I can't stay alone
Too many places I want to call home
Standing entrenched there's something I know
I took a trip that was good for me

 

--------- V 4 --------
I took a trip and found a quiet pathway
Reflecting time and feelings that we share
Finding love can also be fantastic
My heart and soul will always know you're there

 

 

 

Edited by Peggy
Final
  • Like 1
Link to comment
On ‎9‎/‎23‎/‎2016 at 1:14 PM, ames1212 said:

  I grew upcountry as a blue tick hound.

A Myrle Haggard was my kind of sound.

B taught southern values since I was three.

.A Then you walked in Rebellion Bound.

B And you rocked the country out of me.

A Yeah you rocked my country when you came to town.

 

 

A Wearing  ripped jeans riding on your bike.

A. Jimmy Hendrix blasting all night.

B Your a City boy , so different from me.

A always been a sucker for sucker for the bad boy type.

B  But you rocked the country out of me.

A yeah you rocked the country out of my life.

 

 

Bridge

Your the kind mama warned me about,

But it's a little late for the warning now.

Your a  Christian girls worst dream.

But you came on strong like james Dean.

And you rocked the country out of me.

Yeah you rocked the country out of me.

 

 

My sister said I was acting different.

needed to be baptized by the holy spirit.

Because I've become a rock N roll queen.

The Baptist are whispering I can hear it.

Because you rocked the country out of me.

You rocked my country, yes you did it...

 

 

Nicely done Ames....these are some good, solid lyrics.  I don't know what you had in mind for music, but I had some fun with it in a 12 bar blues in A. 

Link to comment

Hi jean,

lets co write on it, I  only do lyrics. I was thinking country, but a bluesy feel would sound cool too. I would love to hear what you come up with. All my finished songs are country, so it would be cool to have a bluesy one.

Amy

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By continuing to use our site you indicate acceptance of our Terms Of Service: Terms of Use, our Privacy Policy: Privacy Policy, our Community Guidelines: Guidelines and our use of Cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.