Fern carle

Life is a Song

19 posts in this topic

my desire for you blossoms like a flower

gently unfolds grows stronger by the hour

my love has no limits my love has no demands

when it comes down to loving me you're my superman

 

you walked into my life answered my prayers

showered me with love i've craved my whole life long

slaying my defenses you chased away the blues

turned my world around turned my life into a song

 

life is a song theres no denying

baby when you're near music starts flying

your love strikes a chord deep makes me feel whole

life is a song rock and roll soul

 

before i met you i had two left feet

i couldn't feel loves music i tripped up on the beat

now i'm kicking up my heels dancing up a storm

following loves lead life is a song

 

melody ecstasy filling me thrilling me

 

soaring on a high note to heaven above

life is a song a symphony of love

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Hello, I'm David

I kind of like it. I think it's pretty good. I'm not exactly sure where the chorus is.

It would help it you would label things. Also, a little punctuation would help too.

This line, " baby when you're near music starts flying", is a little confusing. I think

a comma between near and music would keep it from running together.

Some lines could be a little tighter, but do kind of like it.

David

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Thanks for responding.  I appreciate the imput .  the chorus is life is a song there's  no denying

Baby when you're near music starts flying

Your love strikes a chord deep makes me feel whole

Life is a song rock and roll soul

I don't use prenunciation marks because the writing is in perfect meter

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Not sure about the meter. With the structure being off and some lines would need a comma which would again throw meter off makes it hard to grasp a melody. 

Think work on structure would help and maybe rethinking a few lines .other then the ones that feel forced

Rock on 

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the lyrics are powerful and a few tweaks here and there it could be special....i'm not one to give criticism either so don't take it as that lol

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Thanks for replying to my post.  what type of tweets are you talking about.  are you a composer?  if so what type of melody do you hear.  I'm deaf when it comes to hearing music to my lyrics. what do you think of the meter and the structure?  I had someone else critique the lyric and they said the structure wasn't

good and the meter was off.  They also said some rhymes were forced.  what do you think.  do you think the lyric is strong enough to enter in a contest?

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Fern the rhyme structure in v2 is off 

On 20/11/2016 at 10:24 PM, Fern carle said:

you walked into my life answered my prayers                                  you walked into my life the answer to my prayers

showered me with love i've craved my whole life long                      showered me with love said you'd always be there

slaying my defenses you chased away the blues                             slaying my defences you chased away the blues

turned my world around turned my life into a song                           turned my life around I found new hope with you

Just a suggestion 

 

john

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On 20/11/2016 at 10:24 PM, Fern carle said:

life is a song theres no denying                                               life is a song there's no denying

baby when you're near music starts flying                              baby your music starts me flying

your love strikes a chord deep makes me feel whole             when  your love strikes the chord

life is a song rock and roll                                                        it gets deep down inside my soul

                                                                                                 your my rock and Im your roll

again just a suggestion

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Fern.

I think you should enter the , A lyrical contest.

They look at form structure. Content and playability.

Two things bother me, first your statement,perfect meter,but then your "deaf" to your lyrics. So that being said it's somewhat of an oxymoron.

Yes the syllable count is close. But that don't constitute perfect meter. You have a hard and soft count. And again Some of your lines demand a pause tho I'm a pop song you may get away with it. But it feels to me you put two lines together to keep your soft syllable count.

Being new here( you) I should of explained a bit more . 

When writting lyric it's always good If you can sing or put a beat to your lyric . it will help in alot of ways mostly for putting a melody to tho,like I said if you try to sing some of your lines the form and the connecting words almost force you for a pause. Tho the lyric don't call for it. 

See we have the job of sitting back and reading/singing your lyric , and we all come up with a melody or the words truely form the melody. And that's how we ( other members) base thier critique. So when you have two connecting lines jammed together it throws us of as a reader. Or as here makes it hard to come up with a melody. If I was putting music to this , alot of your lines would be broken down to sound more like two lines. And most times when it comes down to putting a melody to a lyrics there are always changes to the lyric some small some are whole verses.really depends .

So don't get me wrong . we have to critique and what comes to our heads. And alot of times when a lyric gets put to music it sounds great . even tho the crits may not have seemed it would. So again alot of it is dictated by melody.

Not that this is a bad write but it does have some fundamental issues. And again enter a contest enter many of them . two reasons firstly you may win but more importantly they critique your work ( most do) 

Hell I been working on lyrics for a few years now and still suck in my opinion. But love writting and need the most work in that area. So please know I wasn't putting you down or your lyric. I was throwing out there what i seen. As you did post it for critique.

Rock on 

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Thanks for your feedback.  I'm not sure what you're talking about when your talking about soft and hard count. I also dont understand what you mean when you said alot of my lines were jammed together.  I know I have to learn song structure. input would be appreciated . 

A little poem to brighten your day

 

2 over easy

 

2 over easy pleased me 

the yellow gold unfolded on my plate 

and trickled slick against the white 

gliding on a buttered spread past a wicked bite 

deep in the hole of a soul 

drowning in the juice of desire 

gasping for air 

For gastric relief 

As it was hit on the head by a slab of beef 

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16 hours ago, RikGrimesIsDead said:

Hi guys and gals,this one here is a stab at my ex again..... haha,but in a superhero way of how she used her kryptonite against me.

 

KRYPTONITE

 

 

(CHORUS)

 

I see those big green eyes sparkling bright

My kryptonite

And those superpowers that you use against me

I try to fight… 

Your kryptonite,your kryptonite

 

 

(V1)

 

You use your words just like a sword

Cuts down deep within

Using that green disguise

To drop down my guard and let you in

I told you about what happened before with her

And didnt expect you to use that AGAIN against me

I didnt expect that text to be there…..was my

 

MY KRYPTONITE,MY KRYPTONITE

 

(CHORUS)

 

I see those big green eyes sparkling bright

My kryptonite

And those superpowers that you use against me

I try to fight… 

Your kryptonite,your kryptonite

 

You cut me deep deep down (x2)

 

Till i hit the ground

 

MY KRYPTONITE

 

(V2)

 

Every time i think im winning

You swoop down and send me spinning

I cannot fight you with powers or with words i speak

Your kryptonite making me weak

These boots and cape are all a con

Im nothing when i take you on

 

KILLING ME WITH YOUR KRYPTONITE

 

(CHORUS)

 

I see those big green eyes sparkling bright

My kryptonite

And those superpowers that you use against me

I try to fight… 

Your kryptonite,your kryptonite

 

(V3)

 

After the battle was lost i decided to turn

The dark side appealed to me

No more mr nice guy,its time that i was free

Loose from these green shackles of pain

 

 

You cut me deep deep down (x2)

 

But i got up off the ground

 

NO MORE KRYPTONITE….NO MORE KRYPTONITE

 

 

written by david smith

 

 

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I love the lyric  do you have it composed  if so where can I hear it

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Fern you need to critique  at the bottom of post same as you do here to let someone know what you think .rik won't see what you think if it is in your post .

john

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Hello, I'm no expert at anything. I just like to write. It's hard to critique others work because it's personal and the critique comes from a subjective viewpoint, but I will tell you how I would write these 2 lines differently.

You wrote:

your love strikes a chord deep makes me feel whole

life is a song rock and roll soul

I would write:

Your love strikes a chord making me whole

Life is a song that rocks my soul

Then you eliminate the necessary pause between DEEP and MAKE

because the way you wrote that line, it demands a pause which to

me throws the meter off.

David

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if you think in yourself its good enough then go right ahead and do it...what type of contest is it? i think it is a very strong piece of work x

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The contest s  the great American song contest.  I don't think I'll  enter this lyric though.  too much criticism

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Fern 

Don't let that stop you!!!!

Enter it is a great way to grow. This is strong but a few tweaks .but again contests if they critique is another avanue to grow . never ever think you or your lyrics arnt good enough for someone or something!!!

Like a painter , I've seen some horrific paintings that sold for millions . lyric writting is an art .it comes from our souls we are connected to them. Go have fun and grow .!!! 

Rock on !!!!

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I feel foolish for being so thin skinned. of course it's only constructive  criticism   please continue to give your input.

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