Reset - critique please

[Terry Cox]

Let me feel the earth under my feet

don’t want to die on this fake marble concrete

I want to see the stars not some chandeliers

let me get there from here

 

I’ve got one more in me 

sweetheart hold me in your arms 

throw away all the painted art

I’ve still have open sky’s in my heart 

 

Falling rain feels like your tears 

Just a  graveyard for our careers

run away with me my dear 

there nothing to fear  , to fear 

 

what a waste , a Faustian carabiner to our higher class taste

Italian marble feels cold just like a downtown alleyway hold

Can I hear people complain  ? Ceremoniousness distain

What was I thinking hitching us to this train

 

it just a reset  that's what I believe

Reach out to my son , let him know how I feel .

Look at my wife again  , the way it used to be

My god let it be a reset  ,  let it be

[Priyan]

Nice poem, Terry!

Just a couple of suggestions, if I may... 

1. In the first paragraph and the fourth, the word marble repeats ('marble concrete' and 'Italian marble') Using a different word in one of the places could be a good idea. 

2. This is a grammatical error which I am sure was an oversight and you'll correct it anyway- In the second paragraph the last line reads 'I’ve still have open sky’s in my heart'. It should be 'I still have open skies in my heart'

 

Overall good feel, nice work.

Priyan

[Terry Cox]

Thanks Pryan , 

I changed the fourth it was to wordy 

 

Let me feel the earth under my feet

don’t let me die on the rich  bitch marble concrete

I want to see the stars not some bullshit Seminars

Take me away from here

 

I’ve got one more  left in me 

sweetheart hold me closely

I’ve still have open skies in my heart

throw away all that painted art

 

Falling rain feels like your tears 

Just a  graveyard for our careers

run baby  while you still can

There's nothing here but sinking sand

 

what a waste , chasing  higher class taste

Now I feel nothing  but regrets

My darling  I tried to do it all for you

Second chance , let me do over again

 

It's  just a reset  that's what I believe

Reach out to my son , let him know how I feel .

Look at my wife again  , the way it used to be

God let it be a reset ,   let it be

 

Its actually a song I wrote  , if you play guitar I can send it to you with chords 

[Terry Cox]

oops sorry priyan

[Takoda]

The first iteration feels like a lyric:  Three verses, bridge, verse.  Cool.  Yes, post the chord progression.  Thanks ...