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Critique of Rap Song


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  • Noob

Hey guys! 

 

I'm new here but, I do a fair bit of songwriting but, for the first time ever I wrote lyrics for a rap song. (Usually write folk, rock, pop genres) so you'll have to excise the first attempt! 

 

Let me know what you think! 

 

 

Death of a mother
Never wanted you to be any other
You had a chance to make it as another. 

 

My father left me when I was just three,
my mother worked the night as a midwife
Then stopped being a wife in her personal life
5 years in court he stuck in the knife
The damage was done, the love for me was totally gone.
Because he departed, loved us only half hearted
The wood on knuckles soon started, blood on the carpet
It made me unregarded, hardhearted
morbid affliction a sordid target.

I think there were times when you showed your humanity
but was always overshadowed by your prior insanity.
Like the time when I was just six,
You wanted to fix yourself and me a dinner,
I said no, you dragged my upstairs by my hairs like a sinner,
Beaten and kicked until I cried,then you saw me, just a six year old child
and then you smiled
Said you were sorry and made me a tea,
you tried your best to make me see,
that all of this, all of this was for me.

 

Death of a mother
Never wanted you to be any other
You had a chance to make it as another

 

All of those years I've been depressed, suppressed
infested and obsessed with this,
What I guessed is -
You saw yourself in me even when I was 3,
Didn't want me to be like you, it's now I se.
But there was a time when I couldn't find sanity,
That's why I never picked up the phone and call you at home,
instead sit on my jack jones
felt forever alone, love became something unknown,
So I kept falling on down,
past the point of ever being found.

Four years thats how it went
I didn't have you there to physically vent
So I cut as deep as the blade would go,
f*cked in the head but at least it would show
all the pain that I wanted to borrow,
reminded me I was breathing laid out on my back,
f*cking high staring at my ceiling
my hearts beating even though Im grieving
The pain is releasing the more that I'm bleeding.
And you asked me why I'm in mourning,
Its because you should have taken your fathers beating as a warning,
That his action you shouldn't have conformed too,
Because now the sick devils in his head own you.

 

Death of a mother
Never wanted you to be any other
You had a chance to make it as another

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Hi Sophiamtcarter,

 

I liked your lyrics except for the "Jack Jones".  You probably didn't but, that bit sounded like you ran outta words that rhymed at that point.  FWIW maybe "get outta my head leave me alone" or "I want you outta my head leave me alone"  I just think the Jack Jones part could be improved.

 

I would like to hear how you deliver it.  It reads angry to me.

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  • Noob

Hi Glen, 

I really appreciate your words. I actually thought myself that line didn't fit. So I'll change it! I'll have to get someone to do it for me. It's definitely angry but I was thinking for a really jazz chromatic hook and then into a trap piano rap sound. 

If i manage to get someone to do it I'll definitely post it up here! 

 

Thank you again :)

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