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scotsman89

these are our memories

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scotsman89    335

J Morrison  (C)   December 2016    was just pondering if I could write something . with well I don't know but this is what came  out - well it was what came out but it needed a better write 

added a proper chorus may not work could be to long now ?

 

 

I cant give you forever
there's only here and now
but if we stick together
we'll  make it somehow 

 

'cause time's not elastic
but we can stretch it out
do something fantastic
that's what life's about

 


these are only dreams

so why don't we

turn all  these dreams

into memories

let's you and me

make some memories

 



running for the shelter
down in central park

moving  close together

when i'ts getting in dark

 

 

 

memories to be made

that we won't forget

splash in a fountain

getting our shoes wet

 

these are only dreams

so why don't we

turn all  these dreams

into memories

let's you and me

make some memories

 

 

life's a ticking clock

slowly winding down

one day it will stop

all we have  is now

so why don't we

make some memories

 

 

these were only dreams

but then you and me

turned those dreams

into memories

 

you and me  

made some memories

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by scotsman89
changed chorus again
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Fern carle    12

I liked the lyric but in the verse  that says a clock can only tic as long as it can tock but we cant ignore it when it starts to stop       what does that mean  

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teek    54

I know Jim can speak for himself , but i thought i would add my 2 cents worth , i think it is talking about " balance "  of life ?   

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scotsman89    335

Fern . Teek is right it is a metaphore  for life the beating of the heart   thanks for reading 

Teek . thanks for read  and spot on with balance of life

 

john

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Karanis    22

Hmm

Nice idea here

But that's a lot of ABAB and ABAC structure, think it would help to mix it a bit.

 

Karanis

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tomcollins    512

Hey,

Read this a few times.parts I like and some I don't. The chorus not so much. The big hill and sea thing don't really make alot of sense. Well it does but not that strong . also "making good memories" think just "making memories" works better. But as a hook. It don't draw me in and hold me. Don't have any suggestions right now how to strengthen this.

Some of the verses are pretty good .but I may think of making verses odd lined, maybe have the last non rhyme line set up for chorus? 

Like it but theres no tenion and release and not enough for people to grab hold of .

Rock on !!!

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scotsman89    335

Kranis thanks for read  and suggestions 

John

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scotsman89    335

Tom 

thanks for critique ,  wrote the original just to see what would come out if i tried to write something with a different rhyme pattern to my usual way .  took your advice had a look changed it a lot don't know if better but I am happier with it .   the chorus of the last write never felt strong .

 

John

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tomcollins    512

Much tighter ! Everytime I hit the chorus,dreams & memories came to mind. Not sure why lol .

Maybe because of our dreams these become our memories. Good or bad they are what became . 

Tried singing chorus a few different ways.and still didn't really make the hook . maybe why dreams & memories kept coming to mind 

But do like the rewrite more than originally

Rock on 

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scotsman89    335

thanks Tom 

looked at it and think you are on to something  so changed it  don't know if it works this way ?

 

John

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teek    54

John ,  the new version is very good , nice re-write :grindance:

 

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scotsman89    335

thanks Teek 

may still need work though

 

john

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scotsman89    335

re write  on chorus and bridge .  funny when you look again at something on a different day you see what may be wrong or right  hope this is better although most of you will not remember when it was ill   HA HA

john

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Philjo    30

Nice romantic stuff here. Good times = good memories! 

I was thinking 'turn all these dreams' could be 'turn our/crazy schemes' or similar. Or similar to drop one of the 'dreams'.

Or not if you prefer ☺

Phil.

 

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Patty Lakamp    41

 

Hi Scotsman,

 

I think you've got something here, but I think it needs better focus and a title that fits the lyric better.

 

"These are our memories" led me to think that you were going to tell us about some very special memories you had, but the gist of the lyric seems  instead to say "Let's make some memories."  At least in the beginning...And then at the end, the time switches and we've already made memories. 

 

Also, where's the title in the lyric?  It would be better if you could give us a title we'd go away singing.

 

 

On 12/11/2016 at 7:14 AM, scotsman89 said:

'cause time's not elastic
but we can stretch it out

 

This didn't make sense to me.  I think you're saying Time IS elastic, and we can stretch it out. I like the appeal of that.

 

On 12/11/2016 at 7:14 AM, scotsman89 said:

moving  close together
somewhere in the dark
running for the shelter
down in central park

 

 

This verse threw me because the first two lines are "general" and the last two are specific.  I even thought: Oh, they're in Central Park. But that didn't seem to  go anywhere, or fit the mood of the lyric, which was more philosophical rather than story-telling.  Same with the next verse.  Two specifics and then two generals.  Maybe it might be better to combine the specifics in one verse and the generals in the other. Or come up with some killer memories that make the song.

 

On 12/11/2016 at 7:14 AM, scotsman89 said:

splash in a fountain

getting our shoes wet

memories to be made

that we'll never regret

 

I think this could be a great lyric with some further thought.

 

Patty

 

 

 

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scotsman89    335

Philjo

thanks for read and suggestions 

will take on board 

john

 

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scotsman89    335

Patty  ( my sisters name )

thanks for the input have changed the two verses round hope they make more sense 

as for time not being elastic >  which it is not . but sometimes your with someone  or doing something nice and you don;t want it to stop so you stay until the very last second before you  have to go  > in effect stretching  it metephoricly   >

 

john

 

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