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Foxfire

Blank Notebooks

11 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Edit of second verse:

In spite of my voiceless thoughts

I can never manage, though I know I ought,

To show you all the feelings you have never seen

All the unwritten melodies lingering between the...

 

Not sure if this is any better than the original? The first line now matches the syllables of verse one but the rest is much the same.

 

Verse One:

My mind's bouncing with ideas,

I've got inspiration coming out my ears,

But I can't catch these words with this paper or this pen,

I always find myself beginning again with...

 

Chorus:

Blank notebooks-

Crossed and scribbled out all my

Deep confessions

That I'd kill to shout,

I'd love to tell you I love you

Tell you all the time,

But I've got blank notebooks so

I'll start another line.

 

Verse Two:

Quiet moments full of voiceless thought

Are all I can manage though I know I ought

To show you all the feelings you have never seen,

All the unwritten melodies lingering between the...

 

Chorus:

Blank notebooks-

Crossed and scribbled out all my

Deep confessions

That I'd kill to shout,

I'd love to tell you I love you

Tell you all the time,

But I've got blank notebooks so

I'll start another line.

 

Middle Eight:

Half finished-

Half thought of-

Half made up songs in my head.

Not nearly-

Not really-

Not quite what I wish I had said in...

 

Chorus:

Blank notebooks-

Crossed and scribbled out all my

Deep confessions

That I'd kill to shout,

I'd love to tell you I love you

Tell you all the time,

But I've got blank notebooks so

I'll start another line.

Edited by Foxfire

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Cool idea for a song...and so true! There is a bit of a difference in the syllables between v1 and v2. They should match up or be pretty close in.  At the least the stressed syllables should be in the same place with the same number in the corresponding lyric lines. 

 

Verse One:

 -       -         /       -       -   -   /      (7 syllables)

My mind's bouncing with ideas,   

   -    -    -    -  /  -      -     -     -    -     /       (11 syllables)

I've got inspiration coming out my ears,

 -    -    /       /          -       -         -      -    /  -      -     -    /     (13  syllables)

But I can't catch these words with this paper or this pen,

-  -     -     /      -     -    -  /     -     -   /     -        (12  syllables)

I always find myself beginning again with...

 

Verse Two:

 /    -    /      -       -   -     /       -      -            (9)

Quiet moments full of voiceless thought

  -     /  -   -     /     -           -     -   /     -     /      (11) this line is ok

Are all I can manage though I know I ought 

 -     -        -    -    -     /    -       -       -     -   -      /      (12)

To show you all the feelings you have never seen,

 -     -    /   -    -      /   -    -    -    -   -     -    /       -      (14)

All the unwritten melodies lingering between the..  (this line is difficult to say, imo....)

 

- also, how can something unwritten be between blank notebooks?

- the chorus states that you have written and crossed out lines so the notebooks aren't really blank, right?

 

Just some observations, keep or sweep.  I do like the idea you have going. Keep it up!

Tony

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Posted (edited)

The notebooks aren't meant to be literally blank in the sense that nothing's ever been written in them, but blank in the sense that nothing's really being said. I guess I feel like if you cross it out completely then there's still nothing actually on the page so the notebook is still blank?

With the line unwritten melodies between the notebooks it's supposed to mean they're somewhere out in the ether - the potential ideas that just never got finished/started. So it's like the ideas around the page that never seem to make it onto the page. 

 

Edited by Foxfire
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syllables dont always have to be perfect,i think it goes well and i certainly felt the flow of it.awesome song title and thought for a song!!

well done my man well done

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Love this! I think your original version of the second verse is better than your edited version, despite the syllable difference.  The original first line evokes a clearer feeling than the edited line. The edited line is just a statement in a way.

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Hi

 

I like this. Especially the first verse which really starts off running. 

 

I'm thinking maybe " I can't catch these thoughts"  instead of "I can't catch these words" as in the first lines you are talking about thoughts.

 

Or maybe even " I can't make them words".

 

Anyway, just a suggestion.

 

I like the way the verses lead into the chorus with the extra word after the rhyme.

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Nice. I like these lyrics I think they're quite original.:clapping:

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Very nice. Instead of starting a new thread, I think that you should have continued the old one so that we could see your progress.

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On 16/01/2017 at 3:28 PM, John C Sargent said:

Very nice. Instead of starting a new thread, I think that you should have continued the old one so that we could see your progress.

??? I don't think this was meant for me, this is the only thread I've started.

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I believe you're correct.

If you'd like, I can hide these last 3 comments?

It's up to you.

 

Tom

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On 1/8/2017 at 5:40 AM, Foxfire said:

Chorus:

Blank notebooks-

Crossed and scribbled out all my

Deep confessions

That I'd kill to shout,

I'd love to tell you I love you

Tell you all the time,

But I've got blank notebooks so

I'll start another line.

 

I enjoy this chorus. It feels like a good centerpiece to this song. Your "middle eight" is interesting as well. 

 

Another direction you could have taken the verses could be quotes of the apparent love thoughts with the final line being something like "now I'll start a new line in my..." 

 

The descriptions of the things is also good, but from reading it a couple of times it left me wondering what is written in the notebooks. Maybe an outro verse could be added with that? Just a possibility I suppose. 

 

Thanks for sharing :) 

 

 

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