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44 posts in this topic

Hey y'all,

This is something that came out at work . lol got love singing in other people's showers.

Anyway it needs a bridge but that avoided me . hoping tomorrow one comes to mind 

It changes a bit but it sang well.kinda heard a female vocal with this doing alt verses & chorus.but that's still up in air

Rock on 

 

Sometimes ,

Baby sometimes 
It's so hard for me to dream
I want to close my eyes 
And simply drift away

 

Somewhere,

Girl somewhere
Could you be laying awake
Thinking of the times we shared
And wishing you had stayed

 

Let's close our eyes
And drift away
 Dream together
Like we use to do 
Let's close our eyes
And drift away


Some say ,

Now some say
I just need to let you go
And maybe I will one day 
 It just won't be tonight ,

 

Should I ,
Aahh should I 
Take a chance And reach out to you
Would you close your eyes ?
Ask me to drift away with you

 

Let's close our eyes
And drift away
 Dream together
Like we use to do 
Let's close our eyes
And drift away

 

(rough draft bridge)

Those painted clouds are just pictures in our(your) mind

The buzzing in our (your)ears is  the ticking of the times

Do I dare to read between the lines?

Would you place your tiny hand in mine?

 

 


 

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Hi Tom - liking the flow of this one. It shouldn't be too difficult to put music to, might need a couple of slight tweaks here and there though, but like the idea of drifting away together.

 

Remember not all songs need a lyrical bridge. If it didn't come to you as easy as the rest of the song, there might be a reason for that.

 

My only nit is with the last line of verse 2 - 'wanting to drift away too' - in my mind this seems hard to sing like that, it doesn't flow as well as the preceding lines and seems almost clunky. It might only take changing one word 'wanting to drift off too' to help it flow nicer - the 'away' word seems the sticky point.

 

Good read though. 

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Yea it's been nagging at me .but sanf pretty well. 

As far as a bridge it was more of a "anything " verse bridge something to make it progress a bit more. 

Maybe if I ever get music to it , it will come .Been a very long time that I've completely followed though

Thanks for the read 

Rock on 

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The bridge could be a simple mashup of what you have now to a different melody.

 

dream away, drift away

drift away together

ever wondering 

whether you and I 

Will drift away tonight

 

i do like the simplicity of the write, and the idea of a floating melody.  I also think your bridge will come with the music, it will float in naturally.  And if you do find a female singer it would be interesting to be there when she gets to the bridge and see where the music takes her lyrically.

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Hi Tom,

Nice write.  I think a bridge will add a little complexity to the song. Love it's easy feel, though.  Like this verse alot.

 

Some say ,

yea some say
I just need to let you go
And maybe I will one day 
 (it)just won't be tonight ,

 

:)

Peggy

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MP 

Thanks bro 

Figured it was time to get simple what I like cause well what I am 

Rock on

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Thanks peggy!!!

Rock on .

Lol see ya survived Saturday night 

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Hi

The title put's me in mind of the Dobie Gray song "Drift Away".

That would be hard to match melodically, I think.

Not sure how much that matters as there must be many songs with the same title.

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Yeah, my mind was totally hijacked by the Dobie Grey song when I first read the lyrics a couple days ago. So I had to get that out of my system and come back to it fresh!

 

I didn't feel like it needed a bridge b/c the idea was simple in a good way. But I could see repeating the choruses in a performance if the music was pretty grand (no pressure!).

 

I did struggle some to catch a rhyme scheme. Doesn't need to be pronounced given the easy style of the song, but maybe a bit more rhyme structure to give the lines somewhere to land.

 

~T

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Good write Tom, I like the theme and direction. Just to throw out an idea..since you know she's out there, and wonder if she will take a chance with you again, in the second verse, instead of knowing she's laying there awake thinking of times you shared, maybe you could wonder if she is...Like'

 

Somewhere,

Girl somewhere
Could you be laying awake
Thinking of the times we shared
Wanting to drift away too

 

It's late and something was said about a bridge. So I will read again tomorrow. This is the only idea in the lyric that came to mind, cause it's good already. I don't see anything I could offer....I'll hop in, in the morning over coffee and read again. Good stuff

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Hey T 

Thanks for the read . never thought of grey till mentioned here. 

Had a difernt rhyme structure but it seemed to much

With the repeat of the first word and a rhyme on that it basically is AABAC 

Had it another way ABAB. seemed cliche

Haven't looked at this since I posted it . and thinking it really don't need a bridge.either

Thanks so much for the read 

Rock on 

 

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LG 

What's up bro ? Took a listen to your little blues ditty over on the other place. Not bad at all my friend. Was on a cheap set of buds but thought vocals could been more up front. But you sounded good bro !! Kudos! I really do Love this site as you get to see others grow in amazing ways !

Was going to comment but forgot my password. 

Any who 

Thanks for the read and comments. This is such a simple lyric and thought it needed a bridge .but leaning towards maybe not.lol on the fence .

Like the "could " adds a bit more depth to the sinplicity.

Lord knows I love simple!

Keep singing and rock on !!!

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4 hours ago, tomcollins said:

LG 

What's up bro ? Took a listen to your little blues ditty over on the other place. Not bad at all my friend. Was on a cheap set of buds but thought vocals could been more up front. But you sounded good bro !! Kudos! I really do Love this site as you get to see others grow in amazing ways !

Was going to comment but forgot my password. 

Any who 

Thanks for the read and comments. This is such a simple lyric and thought it needed a bridge .but leaning towards maybe not.lol on the fence .

Like the "could " adds a bit more depth to the sinplicity.

Lord knows I love simple!

Keep singing and rock on !!!

Thanks Tom, I appreciate the listen and the nice comment, I'm still gun shy with a mic. I must admit I don't know which one you heard, but I'm guessin it was "More Than I Can Chew". I'm just on my first cup of joe, so after the cobwebs are gone I'll get around to thinking and commenting on what ya said in "If She Heard This Song" which I got open in another tab. Peace man, see ya in the forum!

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Yea that was it . could of been the buds but... Thinking vocals could of been more forward.

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6 minutes ago, tomcollins said:

Yea that was it . could of been the buds but... Thinking vocals could of been more forward.

Maybe he was afraid someone would actually hear my voice...lol

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Lmao naw 

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What genre did you have in mind for this? Do you have a melody?

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Kind of a folk rock. But think it could fit almost anything because of its simplicity.

Most times I have a melody in my head when I write. Tho it don't always end up with that melody. Think everyone's melodies change a bit once notes are put to it

Rock on 

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sorry i didn't read all the responses...so if this been already suggested...

 

and maybe i will one day

but it won't happen tonight...

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I had trouble with the rhyming scheme on this one for a bit too. But once I figured it out I liked it a lot. I would have to hear it sung I guess but it seems just right to me.

 

For a bridge maybe a little glimpse into the reason for the separation...something simple 

 

I think you could drop the "too" in the line "wanting to drift away too" and just leave it "wanting to drift away"

 

At least I still think it would work...

 

Good write.

 

Ricky

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Ricky thanks for the read !!!

Like to get some music to it .... Will see

Rock on 

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So are you playing again?

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I always admire someone who can come up with lyrics without a guitar or piano, I'd be lost. Yeah I can definitely feel the lyrics to that song. Nice one!

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Thanks Steve

But mostly melody or a chord progression is in mind when writting. Very few times is it just words without music . 

But many do it that way and I also admire it!!

Rock on

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Posted (edited)

Hi Tom

im on my phone so it's not the best typing. 

I just want to say verse one feels right more right than any other verse. 

 I am wondering why and I have come to conclusion it's the internal rhyme in line three.

 

Sometimes ,

Baby sometimes 
It's so hard for me to dream
I want to close my eyes 
And simply drift away

 

i think that is what it is that makes this work. 

 

So im thinking of edits like this 

 

Somewhere,

Maybe somewhere

Is it hard to take laying awake
Thinking of the times we shared
Wanting to drift away 

 

Globally I think it should be some some, some. So sometime somewhere somehow. 

 

The chorus is a sandwich I am wondering if the filling is right 

"dream together 

like we used too"

i mean it's story telling the like we used too. 

I would rather there only be a reflection of the verse story in the chorus like 

dream together 

dream forever

or what not. 

 

I think the form should be 

V V C VCBC 

And you can either amp up the drifting away as macnaughten suggests or you can put in there the stuff you have in verse 3 and 4 that doesn't fit the pattern of somehow

or you could go for four verses and have something.

basicaly  you got a pattern, stick to it, and use seeming repetition to glue it all together.

 

cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by snabbu

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Thanks Gary

Had internal rhymes in all verses at one point.opted out cause it seemed to much.kinda like a Dylan throw back.

To much of one thing is to much . but I'd thought about doing it ,wasn't sure.

Not folowing you on chorus

Rock on

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Posted (edited)

In the chorus, the lyrics are giving me a "Bedtime Story" (Madonna song written by Bjork) vibe... I don't know if that's the kind of musical style you want to go along with the lyrics.

 

Compare the chorus:

Let's close are eyes
And drift away
 Dream together
Like we use to do 
Let's close our eyes
And drift away

 

To the chorus of Bedtime Story (which it stylistically reminds me of):

Let's get unconscious honey
Let's get unconscious

Let's get unconscious honey

Let's get unconscious

 

So, when I picture the music going along with the lyrics for the chorus, I'm thinking a kind of electronic-ambient-trip hop kind of vibe

 

However, when I see verses like this, I don't get that vibe - rather, I imagine the lyrics being played to more of a folksy/acoustic-rock backing:

 

Somewhere,

Girl somewhere
Could you be laying awake
Thinking of the times we shared
Wanting to drift away too

 

 

And then (lol) this verse gives me a Florence+the Machine (cover of Candi Stanton song) "You've Got the Love" vibe, so I'm thinking euphoric disco/soul music-esque:

 

Sometimes ,

Baby sometimes 
It's so hard for me to dream
I want to close my eyes 
And simply drift away

 

Compare to the opening of "You've Got the Love":

 

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need
To see me through

 

 

So, I am curious... which of the three "vibes" was right? Trippy ambient-pop, folksy/singer-songwriter or euphoric disco/house/soul music?

 

I enjoyed the lyrics, so would be interested in hearing the music :)

 

Edited by AndreaCarlo

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Lmao ,thanks for the read !

If I could put all those together and make it sound good,short of genius.

I'm mostly a kinda folk rock type but don't stay in the box.

Thinking play with a few tweaks mentioned and see about putting the music down. And that changes as it grows so hard to say where it will end up. Hopefully not on a bookshelf

Thanks 

Rock on !!!

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Did a few edits ,tried to take what Gary suggested and keep inner ryhmes in verses. But it really changed the timing to melody I have playing. Had a musical bridge from start.and from start felt that would fall short. Added a rough bridge to melody in my head but thinking it fell short as well. 

Thoughts?

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Hey, Tom.

 

I've thought about this one off and on over the last few weeks and I think I know what's been tickling my brain! I like the internal rhymes but what would finish it off for me is to connect up the final lines of V1 and V2 with the same rhyme scheme and the same for V3 and V4. See a couple ideas below. ~T

 

Sometimes ,

Baby sometimes 
It's so hard for me to dream
I want to close my eyes 
And simply drift away

 

Somewhere,

Girl somewhere
Could you be laying awake
Thinking of the times we shared
And wishing you had stayed

 

_________________________________

Some say ,

Now some say
I just need to let you go
And maybe I will one day 
 It just won't be tonight ,

 

Should I ,
Aahh should I 
Take a chance And reach out to you
Would you close your eyes ?
And drift away by my side [I like the rhyme here that does double-duty by connecting up with "tonight" but also "eyes"]

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